Adoptees- would it have made a difference if your adoption was open?

Question

I've learned A LOT from this forum on some of the feelings associated with being adopted, and I've read that some adoptees feel abandoned, angry, like they don't 'fit in' with their adoptive family etc. I know that everyone has their own individual experiences with this, but I'm curious about your thoughts on whether you would have felt differently if your adoption had been open?

We're hoping to adopt some day soon, and I'd like to better understand some of the feelings that our future child might feel. We are also hoping for an open agreement so I'm wondering if this will have a more positvie impact on our child?

Thanks for all your imput!

Answer 1

I try not to rant and have found that if you just close your eyes and jump....the water is warm, the sun is shineing, and you land right on a great big float.

Answer 2

Yes, of course it would have made a difference.   I would not be approaching middle age and still wondering who I am and where I came from.

Secrets and lies are not helpful

Answer 3

I would have loved to have openness in my adoption.  Any times secrets and lies are a part of something, it's not good.  It would have helped a lot of things make more sense to me, and I wouldn't have been filled with questions and false assumption.

Answer 4

I wish I had been allowed to know all of my family - right from the beginning - and no secrets and lies were ever held.

It would have made it more normal - rather than spending so many hours daydreaming about what could have been.

I think I would have acted weirdly also if I'd suddenly had contact in my teens years - after nothing - those are heavy years for anyone - but often even worse for an adoptee. Questions are so often asked during this time - and if you have an open relationship with the first family (from the start) - answers can be received then and their - no speculations - just straight from the 'horses' mouth - so to speak.

If you are open and honest - you will one day help your children act in the same manner.

Another plus for openness - is that it can be more healing for the first parents - rather than just shoving away those feelings - and not dealing with the inevitable grief. My first mother is a mess - emotionally - as she was forced to give me away - then told to never talk about it - for 38 years. That will do in anyone's head!!

Sure - it can be hard to live with (open adoption) for both sets of parents - I've read many blogs of mums in open adoptions - and it's no easy feat - BUT - most of the blogs I read are from first mothers that were not supported in their pregnancies - and many coercive tactics - even subtle ones - were used to acquire the baby for adoption from the adoption 'professionals'.

If adoption is done openly and with honestly - and ethically - then it can all work better for all involved - especially the child.

Answer 5

god, i hate being adopted.

i adore my parents, but adoption sucks.

i think it would have been a zillion times better if it were open.  i don't think i would have been as all-consumed with my other mother.  i was obsessed.

open adoption that actually STAYS open?  absolutely.  if adoption is necessary, then it would be nothing less than stupid to not have it open.  and KEEP it open.

Answer 6

I honestly don't know.  However, since my first mom and I had some very specific interests in common, I imagine now how it would have been if she and I could have done those things together as I was growing up, and I think that would have been so awesome.  

I can't really give advice on open adoption, though, since mine was closed that's all I know.  It would definitely have been easier knowing that I would meet her some day for sure, without having to search.  If I had known from day one that at 18 or whatever age, that I would meet her, that would have helped a lot.

Answer 7

For the adoptee - open is best.  How open will depend on what the parties want.  But like custody issues in a divorce, success will depend on the people involved.  All sides need to understand it's for the best interests of the CHILD.

Understand also that as the child grows up things will change.  If the first mother is young and unmarried, she will likely get married (maybe even to the baby's father) and may have other children.

Try to think of every situation and how you will deal with it.  If it needs to be part of a binding agreement then make sure it's in there.  Most people designate guardians in their wills, usually a family member.  Will the first mother have "right of first refusal" to be that guardian?  If not, will the open adoption agreement be honored by whoever is the guardian?

That's just an extreme example.

More likely, you will be setting up the rules.  Does the first mother have a right to visitation? Unsupervised visitation?  Weekends away?  Longer trips?  At what age?

Will she be invited to routine family events, such as the child's birthday parties?  Or just milestone events?

What if the child doesn't want to see her?

Open adoption (except within families) was unheard of until recently - you won't find many adoptees past the age of 10 who have an open adoption.

Your heart is definitely in the right place - but you will have to chart your own course for the most part.  Very few people have done it before - try to learn from their experiences on what is working and what isn't.

Good luck!