Adopting 14 year old cousin?

Question

Ok here is the situation. My husbands little 14 year old cousin came over last night to stay with us. She was scared to go home because her mother had slapped her in the face. We then find out that her moms boyfriend has smacked her around as well. We are considering having her come live with us, but we aren't sure. We have a 4 and 7 year old daughter and we are doing ok financially. We don't have TONS of money, but I think if we forgo a few luxouries we will be fine. My only other concern is how suddenly throwing a teenager in the mix may change our family dynamics. We are serously considering this and don't know how to approach her mom about this.

Any suggestions?

Answer 1

You sound very nice and that is very nice of you to do that.

It might change a little bit of how your family runs right now but if you thow a teenager in the mix, things might change. but once she gets settled in, things might just turn out normal like it used to be.

Answer 2

I am involved in a somewhat similar type of situation. First let me applaud you for considering this because it is a huge thing to do and obviously will have an enormous impact on your lives. You need to be able to make a decision that comes from a rational place and not just one that knows that this child needs help. Clearly that is of the utmost concern right now and perhaps you can offer some temporary place for her to stay while you think about what's best and/or possible in the long term. Your lives will change tremendously and this is an enormous undertaking. You don't mention if this girl is troubled or not and how far away she lives and if she would have to change schools or not and where her father is in her life and what your relationship is like with her right now and what her mom's reaction and assumptions are likely to be. To be sure, you would need to handle this legally and that way you will have rights to her -- but, of course, that would involve the mother agreeing or a court ordering her rights to be terminated. I would say without doing this legally, you are in for a lot of turmoil with who is in charge and how you handle what the mother wants and who gets to determine what. And how does the child herself feel about living with you? Don't assume, at all, that her feelings will stay the same even if she is initially grateful to you -- teenagers are notoriously volatile and she may very well be used to dramatizing her life. I think personally that the first thing you really need to do is find a really good therapist and let her know all the details and talk openly with her and your husband about what you could or should or want to do. Find someone who you feel comfortable with but who will also challenge you to come to terms with what's really going on. This is big stuff and you should not make any decisions without help, I think. My husband's cousins daughter has been living with us for 3 years and will do so permanently. She is now 12 years old. We are her permanent legal guardians. Her mother is ill and has no rights to her. She is the same age as my son and we have an older daughter as well. She fits in the family fine but, there's no question that it is difficult to have her at times and I do not feel the same way toward as my own children and that creates difficulty in the family and particularly for me. I am learning a lot from working with an excellent therapist and know that we made the right decision to bring her into our family but, it is definitely difficult.

Answer 3

Well, you explain what the 14 year old said and get to the bottom of the situation--14 year olds tend to stretch the truth to get what they want. If you feel there's seriously something going on, the only thing you can do is contact social services and let them know that you'd love to take her if they find anything wrong with the home situation.