Adopting VS conceiveing?

Question

Why are couples that are adopting or trying to adopt teated so differently than couples that are pregnant or trying to conceive, we are all EXPECTING!!

My husband and I are trying to adopt because we can not conceive I am havening a hard time with the fact that we are not being treated like we are expecting a child. I just want to be normal. My whole life I have wanted children we are young and have been married for 3 years IT IS TIME TO COMPLETE OUR FAMILY we just need to be supported in this it that so hard?

Answer 1

People will probably act differently once you have a referral for a child. It sounds to me like you are still going through the stages of being approved, etc- people don't know what to say, no more than they know what to say about people who are TTC.

I am sure that once you have a picture to show people, they will start to get excited for you, and be able to treat you like you're expecting- because then you will be!

Good luck.

Answer 2

I have to say while I am not adopting a child I was adopted and I can tell you that you will be Mommy and Daddy and once your precious little package arrives nobody is going to know the difference but you.  It's really too bad people are treating you differently now.  I agree with the idea of a shower, it will be nice to have other people acknowledge the fact that you are indeed expecting.  Good luck and Congratulations.

Answer 3

It isn't the same... and when you get your special little one it still won't ever be the same as what you expected.  It may seem like you want to be treated like everyone else right now... but your situation is going to be very different.  And instead of working against it... go with it.  Enjoy your unique journey!

I too am a foster to adopt... and my family and friends are wonderful to our little girls.  They threw us a huge "welcome babies" shower for us when we got them.  And they treat them like they belong to our family.

That said... the challenges you face on the roller coaster called foster to adopt are unlike ANYBODY else's challenges.  You will explain as much as you can to everyone over and over... and it just isn't the same.  Email me if you would like a listening ear... I can relate.

Good luck... congrats are coming soon for you too!

Answer 4

although i understand what you wrote, i have to agree with jm1970:  you are ANTICIPATING...not expecting.

and adoption and pregnancy are VERY, VERY, VERY different.   it's more than just the outcome of a child; pregnancy is a physical and medical experience that can't (nor should) be co-opted.

answer me this: during your "expecting" have you

-had a barrage of exams?

-experienced nausea so bad that you had to be hospitalized and placed on meds?

-developed hemorroids?

-get stretch marks?

-had to sleep with about 100 pillows?

-had to visit a chiropractor or acupuncturist due to the baby's feet constantly being in your ribs or pressing against nerves?

-been tested for gestational diabetes?

-had constant anxiety over labor and delivery?

-experienced constant fatigue?

-had permanent body changes that can only be corrected by cosmetic surgery?

-experienced urinary incontence?

-constipation?

-inability to eat?

(add more if you'd like, ladies...)

i empathize with you need for support; yet, as a woman who is "currently expecting", it's a bit disconcerting when people attempt to marginalize the experience.  

in other words, the knife cuts both ways...

i wish you well as you attempt to complete your family...but your experience is NOT PREGNANCY. it's adoption...and comes with its own unique experiences that are intrinsically different from prengnacy

ETA: i replied to your email.  we can continue our discussion off-line.

jm1970: thank you for your kind thoughts... but i really think that the point to be made is that adoption and pregnancy ARE TOTALLY DIFFERENT.  they both have a great deal of pain attached to them, and i really think that the two should never be compared--at the risk of marginalizing the experience. although i'm not considering adoption with this pregnancy, i went through the same thing with my son...and the abuse i received when i decided to change my mind really left a horrible taste in my mouth. imagine going through all of that and being told that your pain  was NOTHING compared to that of a woman who couldn't have a baby. pregnant women can't complain without judgement or being told, "at least you can get pregnant" and i think that's unfair.  pregnancy is not always easy. and like i wrote to the OP in an email, "pregnancy is not simply big bellies and baby showers." there is a whole side of it that is very difficult and EXTREMELY PAINFUL.  yet, for some reason, fertile women are treated as if we can not complain... especially fmoms.

and i see that happening far too often in adoption. so my visceral response is to defend pregnant women...especially when pregnancy experiences are co-opted or marginalized. (eg. "adoption is the new pregnant", "post-partum depression in amoms", "relinquishment periods considered 'labor', "paper pregnant"...et al). i think we should --as mothers-- accept that our routes to mothering were different.

but seriously, thanks once more for the support...tonight has been  especially rough....

and i really don't think that you'd find fecal incontence appealing.... really i don't.:-)

be well.

Answer 5

im with you i dont understand! some people are very closed minded. but i wish you the best with your baby!!

Answer 6

Oh boy sweetie, RUN from this board...trust me......

First off some will tell you  that you have no right to feel "entitled" to someone's baby....like you are just in the wings waiting to snatch up some poor defenseless girls' child.

The fact is adoption and pregnancy ARE NOT THE SAME THING.  You aren't expecting a child.  You're not pregnant.  I don't mean to be unkind, I've been infertile...I know how hard it is.

That said, you can be supported, people can and should be excited for you, but it isn't the same thing so the support and the excitement will not be the same.

It is like a couple dating wanting to be treated like they are getting married when they are not engaged....or me wanting to be treated as expecting when I'm not.

You aren't expecting, your anticipating, hoping, praying, waiting, but you aren't expecting.

It may be that people are not going all out yet because you don't have an identified child yet...once there is one, I hope your friends and family do support you....I once went to a shower for a 4 year old child (first child).

(Sometimes the people we love feel they are protecting us from getting hurt..like not talking about a pregnancy until 3 months along!)

Adoption and conception are not the same thing.

People trying to conceive are not expecting either.

Trust me, I know personally and professionally how hard this can be, but you need to keep in mind, adoption is NOT about the parents and wanting to complete their family, it is about CHILDREN who need a family.

That said....seriously...run from this board!

The focus isn't on you, it is on the child...even with pregnant women, people only fuss over them because there's a baby there...it isn't about them.

ETA: To the poster who suggested she pray....

Do you have any idea how hurtful that is? Of course she's prayed...

I prayed, begged, cried pleaded with God every month for 2 years....I work foster care and I saw women who couldn't care less popping out babies while my beautiful nursery was empty....My son kept asking "Why is there only one kid in our family."  "I wish God would give us a baby."

It was horrible.........

All I can say is when I finally conceived and had my baby, I could say "God makes everything beautiful in His time."  But while I was going through it.......He and I agreed to disagree.

Tish:  I feel your pain, honey!  I'm sorry it has been so rough for you, but as a woman who went through infertility I can tell you she would go through EVERYTHING you are gladly for the chance to be pregnant!

Answer 7

have you spoken to any of your friends or family about how you're feeling??  if so, maybe throwing a "baby-shower" would show them how much this means to you.

Answer 8

Have you asked God for help having a baby? You should try. How about IVF or fertility?