Adopting a Child with only one parent (moral question)?

Question

I've always thought about adopting. My mother and her sister (my aunt) were both adopted my my Grandma seperately. I am very close with my family and I am familiar with adoption and the various emotional levels and issues that go with it.

I am now 29 years old and I havent been with my current BF for too long. But I am at the point in my life where I now might someday want kids. And I am the kind of person that needs time to be able to process a solid relationship, etc, before ever considering getting married, let alone having kids with them.

Something in me tells me that even though I adopt, it may not be fair to raise a child at least with the intention of having a male role model - or even a different/additional role model than just myself. But the other argument I have is that there are all these children with not even one parent... I know that most adoption places may not even consider placing a child with a single parent. But Im a good person with a good income...

Answer 1

Even allowing for the sake of argument that the 2 parent household is the "ideal" child rearing situation, it does not follow that anything falling short of that ideal shouldn't be done. Plenty of well-adjusted adults come from single parent families.

Answer 2

If you're asking from a moral standpoint, we all have different morals.  I say go for it.  But be very aware that the attachment you have with your future child could end up a bit more shaky than it would be otherwise, if there are men in and out of your life (I'm not saying there WILL be men in and out, but IF you and your bf don't stay together, and IF you date again, this could affect your child's ability to attach).  Personally, I don't think single parenthood has anything to do with moral issues.  Then again, I'm a goddess-worshiping hippie, so take that for what it's worth.  :-D

Answer 3

Follow your heart. What would be unfair to a waiting child, is not ever having a home and family. Even if it were a 2 parent home, Who knows if it would stay that way forever. There's a whole lot of single mothers raising children that are less qualified than you are. I have raised 5 children. 2 by birth, I step daughter and 2 adopted. It doesn't matter how we became a family. We just thank God that we are. All my children are grown now and they have given me 9 beautiful grand babies. If that is whats in your heart. Go for it!

Answer 4

1 parent better than none loving parent better than foster care

Answer 5

It is not morally wrong for you to adopt a child as a single woman. There are more children out there than there are willing parents. It might be somewhat difficult if you're only interested in adopting a newborn, but if you're willing to adopt an older child or a child from a foreign country you probably won't have any problem.

But I think that you should try to keep some male role model in your child's life. It doesn't have to be someone you see every day, it could just be your father or your brother or someone like that. It's best for children to have both female and male role models, and if your child ends up being a boy it would be nice for him to have someone he'll be comfortable talking about boy things with.

Answer 6

I don't think it is morally wrong at all... As you say, there are 120,000 children waiting in foster care for someone to adopt them and nearly 17,000 age out every year with No One to call on Christmas day...

Many of these children actually need to be in homes with certain things missing or added... For example many of our children have been sexually abused and may do better in a home with one gender of a parent, offering time for that child to heal and not in an environment where they start off feeling threatened...

Many times children in foster care are asked, "What would you want in your growing up family?"

Our daughter was five when she was asked, and her answer to the caseworker was, "A mom, a dad, a big sister, a cat and a swing set."

Before we were even permitted to meet her we were asked to supply a swing set and I won't ever forget my husband looking for one in December, and having to build it in the middle of 3 feet of snow!

The children who are old enough do often get a say so, and many may want only a mom or only a dad...

Morally there isn't a problem adopting a child when you are single...but, just as I mentioned many of the waiting children had been seriously hurt--this is also a danger for the future.

Not only for the child--but, for the men that you might date. For our little girl it would be terrible... We didn't know what to expect when she joined our family but, it didn't take too long for any man at our house between the age of 3-80 to express THEIR uncomfortable feelings around her...

There were behaviors she had learned that Frankly I didn't even pick up on because I wasn't a man... But, my husband and adult son sure did...quick.

This led to there needing to be certain protections and they were not for her--as much as they were for the men in our lives... The risk was real that her bahaviors could cause very serious problems. False Alegations--and many other horrors that can come with a child who has issues you never knew when you met them...

My oldest daughter is getting married soon and my youngest daughter (the one adopted) was so excited she was bouncing off walls with glee... It turned out that the thing she most looks forward to is watching the kiss each other...

I can also so that her sensitivity has made our own marriage relationship change--we can't be flirtaious around her...there can't be the pat on the butt in the kitchen or the romantic inuedous that most married people can enjoy and watch go right over their child's head--because it doesn't go over her head....

If you had adopted our daughter it would be very hurtful for her to see you date... it would be hurtful because it would trigger her Knowledge and make any kiss at the door a 2-week episode of inappropriate behaviors...

By the sensitivity of your question I can image that parenting my daughter would be very stressful unless you just gave up the idea of a husband for 15 or so years... and the fact that even before meeting your child you recognize a point that you feel weak--would mean that you would carry some questions and possibly guilt for whatever moral reason you have it...

Many ask me why I advocate for the foster children so much and then give advice or answers that appear to discourage?

It's because I am doing this first hand... We didn't request a child that was sexually abused--in fact it was one of the issues we most wanted to aviod due to the young adults that are part of our family... We didn't say we wanted to adopt a child with Reactive Attachment Disorder--in fact, it was one of the special needs we feared more than most and we made it clear we could parent a Drug Effected baby much better than an Alcohol Exposed baby...

....in the end and after we fell head over heals in love with her these three issues are exactly the issues that we have had to come to accept five years later.

Money won't buy us what she needs most because we believed going into this that our finacial security could pay for anything our children needed... The problem is that someone needs to have the answer for sale before we could pay for it.... and so far we haven't been able to even find an answer to buy...trust me we would pay a million dollars if it made her life perfect...

Answer 7

A child greatly benefets with both parents, however adoption is a very positve thing no matter what! Who knows you may adopt a child and a few years later a male (father figure) may come into you and your childs life

Either way good luck, stay strong and do what your heart desires

Answer 8

adopt. there are a lot of single parents out there that give thir children love security good morals and the true basis of family. if you have it to give, there is a child out there that needs and wants it.

Answer 9

At the age of 30 I was not married and decided I wanted to become a mother. I weighed all my options and researched adoption - domestic and foreign. Deciding there were enough children in America that needed homes I settled for US kids. I started with one - I asked for a 3 or 4 year old girl - got a 5 day old boy - couldn't refuse a newborn - went back a couple of years later for another but was told there weren't enough newborns to go around so I turned to foster care. Over the next eight years I adopted four of my foster children, 3 girls and another boy. I never married but my children never wanted for male role models, grandparents, aunts, uncles,  cousins and lots of love. I reaped the benefits and joys that come with a large family and continue to do so - they are grown, happy, productive and now I am a NANA many times over.  If you want to have a child or two or more go for it - you will not be sorry. Good luck and God Bless!

Answer 10

I don’t think there is anything wrong with it a lot of children need a loving home, and parent(s). There are countless single parents in this world sometimes it’s by choice sometimes it just happens to them. I think it’s better for a child to at least have 1 parent and a true home, then to have to be in the foster care system.  As said nothing guaranteed that if an adopted child goes to a 2 parent home or a biological child in a 2 parent home, that it will always be that way, divorces happen, a parent could die etc.

If you did adopt you would want to be carefully of who you picked as a prospective husband. That you weren’t brining men in and out of their lives, like on some soap opera.  As said a male role model could be a close male friend or a male relative.

Answer 11

adopt

Answer 12

Hunny, one is better than none! If you can support them, and love them, and you think it's right, go for it. It's wonderful that you want to adopt, and even more wonderful that you saw this problem right away and thought about it.

It shows that you'll make a wonderful mommy some day, and the kid will be lucky to have you. :D

Answer 13

As a general question, it is not unfair at all. I do foster parent adoptions and most of my adoptions are single parent.

A child is better off with one forever parent than a stream of foster parent sets. That said, most of my foster parents are single too.  Most of them use a brother, father, friend, pastor as a male role model.

Morally, there is no problem at all.

As a specific question to you...I don't know.  Only you can decide if single parenthood is right for you.

Without putting on the pressure, the mere fact that you are thinking about it so carefully tells me you have a lot of strengths to offer...that along with good person, close family, good income.....just saying!

I've worked for 3 different agencies...all placed with single parents.  I'd say over 60% of my placements in 10 years have been single.

Answer 14

sure. go for it.

Answer 15

Is this a wind up ? it has to be...

I mean you wrote

Quote

And I am the kind of person that needs time to be able to process a solid relationship, etc, before ever considering getting married, let alone having kids with them.

Unquote

Then how the h**l do you except to have a solid relationship with a child ? what are you going to see them on a regular basis to build up to a solid one ?

And you didnt actually ask a question just made a statement so its pretty hard to give you a answer

But if you were asking should you then my answer would be NO , not until you can commit to something else before testing that out on children

Answer 16

I say go for it, there are lots of kids who need loving homes.

Answer 17

Of course a single person can be a good parent!! It wont be easy though. You should be in a stable place though not just financially. If you "might someday" want kids you should wait until you are sure. Adopting a child is just like giving birth in that it is a committment fort he rest of your life and that child will become the most important thing in your world.

Answer 18

if you feel you have a stable environment for a child to live, then definately adopt. although im only 18 now, i want to adopt all my kids. i feel that if i dont get married, i can still adopt althoguh my parents dont think so. whats better? a child with out any parents living in slums and abuse or one parent who loves them. 2 parents are ideal, but that doesnt mean a single parent can also be a great mom! Good Luck!!

Answer 19

I am totally for single parent adoptions and I know many county agencies at are ok with it too.  They would rather a child have one loving parent and a good safe home than to be in a filled foster home or facility waiting for a couple that may never come.  Given your age and your experience with adoption and willingness to accept an adopted child like they were born to you makes you a great choice to be an adoptive parent.  If you are financially and emotionally and mentally ready then great, I am sure there are children out there that would welcome your love and acceptance.  I was actually in a class for foster-to-adopt parents and there were 3 woman there that were wanting to adopt and they were single and they actually after finishing everything adopted within a year with no problem.