Adopting a child of a specific race...

Question

Is it wrong to want to adopt only children who are a certain race? For instance white, black, or asian. When I scan the adoption pics, I only look for girls who are inter racial, black and whatever. I dont look at boys or single race children. Is it okay to have a preference without appearing shallow? Also, how do you feel when it comes to adopting one or two of a group? I ran across a group of five and only wanted to look into the 8 and 5 year old girls, not the three boys. And I also have no interest in disabled children. The only disability I am willing to accept is deafness, because its easier to deal with and I am fluent in Sign Language.

I am asking because I want more children, but had my tubes tied and dont know if the tubal reversal is going to work for me. I am exploring all of my options, but I am finding that with adoption I am being extremely picky even though I know that there is a chance i could get pregnant and have a disabled son. I dont know, any help would be appreciated.

Answer 1

Short answer: You seem to be regarding children as accessories you can order to your liking, not human beings in need of care. That's a serious problem, and I think you need to resolve that before you consider adoption.

Long answer: I don't think it's necessarily wrong to have preferences. Dealing with major special needs takes a lot of energy, dedication, and education, and some families just don't have the ability to handle it. Some families may not feel prepared to deal with the questions of ethnic identity and lack of genetic mirroring involved in parenting trans-racially adopted children, and may not feel they are able to provide the best home for those children.

But these preferences are based on the parents' knowledge of their limitations in caring for a child. They honestly do not believe it would be in the particular children's best interests to bring them into the family. While I may or may not agree with their reasoning, I can't fault the heart behind it.

Where I do think the preferences become a problem is when they're based on what the parent wants from their "ideal" child, not any concern about their own ability to provide for the child's welfare. These are the families who pick children because they consider them more attractive, more fulfilling, or easier to manage. They consider some children "better" than others. I think those preferences, based on the parents' needs rather than the child's, are pretty damaging and problematic.

I'll be blunt with you; your preferences seem more like they're based on finding a "better" child. Your preferences do seem pretty shallow.

I can't think of any actual practical reason a person could parent a girl and not a boy. We all have images in our mind of our ideal family, but having an image that's so inflexible that you won't even consider a child who isn't the gender you're imagining isn't really healthy or realistic-- whether in adoption or conceiving biological children. Life just isn't that tidy; a parent has to be prepared to be a little flexible. Girls are not inherently better than boys.

You also don't say why you are only open to a certain race, but you don't mention concerns about helping your children understand and appreciate their ethnic identity. It seems like when you scan the pictures, you're seeking out a certain look-- choosing the children who are more attractive to you. It's like you're picking children like furniture out of a catalogue, and that doesn't sit well with me.

The disability issue is also a bit of a red flag. What if a child who wasn't visibly disabled was later diagnosed with autism, an attachment disorder, or learning disabilities? What if your healthy child was in an accident or got sick, and became physically or mentally disabled? I understand not feeling able to accept major special needs right off the bat, but your unwillingness to consider even minor ones except the single one you consider "easier" makes me worry about what will happen if everything doesn't turn out to be perfect with your adopted child. Will you learn to deal with it, or will the child end up back in foster care?

As for splitting a sibling group... no. Never ever. Can you image somebody breaking you apart from the people you love, simply because some of you were unwanted? Can you imagine being left behind? Can you imagine living with someone who rejected your siblings, especially knowing those siblings are still being yanked around by the foster care system? Seriously... imagine it was you.

The fact that you haven't done that already is hugely worrisome to me. You realize the children in the photographs you're looking at are people, right? People who feel things, and love their siblings, and don't exist just to fill your desires.

I think before you consider adopting, you really need to work on having some empathy for the children whose pictures you're looking at. They're human beings with feelings, not accessories to be purchased in colours and sets to match your home. Sorry to be harsh with you, but you really do need to make your focus be not just on yourself and your own wants if you are serious about adoption.

Answer 2

I think it is a lot easier on the children ( except for Brad and Angie) to adopt within your own race. I'm not a racist, but I just think it would be easier on everyone involved.  And please adopt from within your own country.  I don't understand these people who go to another country to adopt children, when we have plenty of children in the USA that need homes.

Like the Pitt-Jolie family, they are trying to appear a certain way to the media when they only end up looking stupid.

Answer 3

Well, you certainly sound picky.

It would be awful of you to adopt two sisters, and remove them from their brothers! I cant even believe that.

You sound like someone who is going car shopping, these are children! Any adoptive child is giong to have issues of some sort (that is a fact) so dont think you are doing anything noble with your criteria.

Answer 4

well, if i have a child, i'd want them to be girls, black, intelligent, not disabled, etc.

I think everyone has an image of what they want in a child.  however, many people who have biological children don't get what they want and (hopefully) deal with it.  

while i WOULD NOT separate a family, i don't think it's a problem for you to want a child of your race, etc.  When i adopt, i'll be looking for a child of my race around 4 years old (or older) because i want them to know they're adopted.  everyone has their preferences.

However, if someone left a child on my doorstep that was a different race or whatever, i wouldn't turn them away.  

Answer 5

okay well you dont want to take 2 out of the 5. Thats wrong and just imagine how they will feel. Look for one or two kids that dont have siblings. and you can choose what you want. But dont take them away from there siblings. Becasue thats what happened to me!  

Answer 6

It's never bad unless you want just white.

Answer 7

i dont lthink bad. Go ahead.

Answer 8

of course you are picky! you are picking children and you want to pick one that will make both of you happiest! If you want a girl than you would be happier with that girl. I dont think this means that you would be any less of a parent to a white boy, you are just looking for a inter racial girl...theres nothing wrong with that. I like that you are willing to get more than one, but please dont separate siblings, that always breaks my heart, just look for sisters instead of separating girls from boys.  

Answer 9

You don't want to appear "shallow"?  Too late.

I think you ought to go to the pound, and pick yourself out a pup.  No one will care that you want the orange one with the cute ears.

Answer 10

I think you should be greatful to get a child...no matter what the skin looks like.

Answer 11

It's perfectly fine for you to want to adopt children of different races; or of your same race.  

To me, seperating siblings is horrible, though.  If you want to adopt two related children, look for a sibling group of only two.

Answer 12

I don't see anything wrong with adoptive parents having some requirements set for adoption.  APs need to take a long look at themselves, their family and their situation and decide what is best.  

For anyone who questions that, why haven't YOU adopted the RAD/FAS teenager with a history of violence and sexual acting out?  Even the people who post here regularly that are adopting from foster care, are adopting young children.  Not teenagers.   Why not, if an AP setting preferences is so wrong?

Of course, I don't believe in splitting up sibling groups, but you didn't say you wanted to do that.  

I don't have a problem with race selection, particularly for the reasons you stated.

I do think that selecting gender is questionable, ethically speaking.  It was something that we wrestled with before not selecting a gender preference.  We adopted a brother-sister sibling group.  

Best of luck to you.

Answer 13

idk im only 18 sorry im no help but best of luck to you and your child!!!!!!

  answer mine plz!!!!!!

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?...

plz this is a real question

Answer 14

no i dont think its wrong nor shallow.i mean youd want your kid to be pretty to your eyes.but im not sure about adopting a kid in a group,i think they would be hard to be delt with because of missing their siblings and inc.

Answer 15

Hi Moni Mon,

Sibling groups should stay together.  All or none.

Adoption should be about finding the perfect family for the child and NOT finding the perfect child for the family.

If 5 children are too many look for a smaller sibling group.  I do think its wrong to rule out any child(ren) because of superficial reasons.  Try looking at adoption from the child's point of view.  Good for you for looking at adopting older children and sibling groups, Good Luck.