Adopting from foster care?

Question

If you've adopted from foster care, what was the transition like? My hubby and I are reserved about being foster parent's because both of us have seen how difficult that can be for the children, but we would like to adopt from the foster care system. I know that there are similar problems, as well as problems that come from adopting older children. What difficulties did you have with the children, with them adjusting to you, you adjusting to them etc? What worked out better than you expected it to?

Answer 1

i was adopted from an abusive foster home, after being born 2 an abusive family. i was not the worst case in there, but i had it pretty bad. before being adopted, as i was adopted @ the old age of 4 1/2, i went to my new family's home, met their family, and did things with them. that made it much easier. of course, be prepared for a frightened child, and a rough couple of first months, as i had no clue what was going on, but it really isnt that bad.

Answer 2

The transition period was very difficult for both us and the 3 year old and 18 month children that came into our home. At the same time as they came to us, their loss was two-fold: they lost their foster family and they ended their weekly visits with their mom. The grief for my son was intense and took over every aspect of our lives. My son had an eating disorder and would scream for food, he would p**p and pee on anything if he were angry, he would scream for hours a day and night, he would hurt the cats, he would also destroy anything that he thought I loved. He would harm himself in rage and he would physically attack me when I tried to show him affection. He refused to look in a mirror and his self esteem was non existent. I made up a poem for the both of us to get thru this and would say it to him everyday. It goes like this:

I love you when your angry

I love you when your happy

I love you when you hurt my cats

I love you when you hurt me

I love you when you miss your mommy

I love you when you scream

I love you when you whistle

I love you when you eat icecream

I love you when you break my stuff

I love you when you play

I love you no matter what you do

each and everyday.

He was diagnosed with Reactive attachment Disorder.  This was hard and all consuming. He had 11 out of the 15 main symptoms.

Now it has been two years since he's been with us and he only has two of the symptoms. He has learned empathy and how to talk about his mom and how he feels about her without just acting out. My daughter has caught up and surpassed her age group in development.

All I did was guide and they have really done all the hard work. They deserve all the credit.

By the way, it is very hard for a parent to attach to a child such as my son and there were times I thought that I was just going to implode. I went on anti-anxiety meds the first year just to get thru. My husband took 9 months off work to help heal our new family.

All I want for them is to be healthy and to find some happiness amongst all their grief. I pray and hope that is possible.

It has been a long journey.

The one thing that worked out better than I expected was my son's eating disorder.He would gorge himself til he threw up, and lost a lot of weight just before he arrived in our home. I would sit him on my knee after every meal, as he would scream for more food and rock him back and forth. I would try to explain that perhaps he wasn't hungry, but instead sad or lonely. Then I would rub his head and tell him that I loved him and would say our poem. His eating issues were gone with in the first month. He just needed his feelings to be recognized for what they were: grief.

I hope this helps.

Answer 3

i have had 4 foster children for 3 years. 9, 8, 6 and 3. the good thing about foster care is that you have the children before you adopt. what we did was. we stated we wanted PERMAMENT placement. they have kids they know are going home and some that have a great chance or are not going home. we first started with 5 of the siblings. i hate to say this but as much as i loved the one boy we had to send him to another foster home. he was mentally and physically abusive to the 4 we have. so its kind of trial and error with foster care. the children we have wanted a home so it was easy for us. with foster care you can see if the bonding is there and thats a good thing for all involved. then adoption is easy if they have been in your home for more than 6 months. i am in calif. and for us anyway we will get help until the kids are 18. financially, medically and otherwise. that is good to know. i love the foster care system ver/straight out adopting only because you are not obligated per se to keep them if the bonding is not there. i dont want to sound like they are merchandise but we are talking about lives here and if the bonding is not there maybe someone else is a better fit.

Answer 4

I would actually speak with a social worker about this. You can call any child protected services & ask if you can talk to someone about what they see & happens to their clients.

Answer 5

Children are children....at 2- they go through a rebellious phase, and again at 13-18.....

These children are different in that they may have psychological/emotional issues from repeated moves, and their history. A younger child may be less apt to remember much of his past, but that doesn't mean it will necessarily be an easier transition. An older child may be so happy to have a stable home that they thrive in the environment.....or they may have a completely different experience. The 'great' thing about foster care is that you get to meet with the child prior to placement. For older children, the transition period could be weeks or months. You are given their background and medical prior to meeting the child.....you are given several meetings with the child....supervised and unsupervised. This is 'great' because it gives you a good idea of who you are bringing into your home and the child gets an idea of who is going to be taking care of them. It will always be a bit difficult at first--new people, new location, new circumstances--but it does get better in most cases. As the child comes to trust you and know you, he knows that he can rely on you and your support for him. Adoption means a new family, but never forget that it also means the loss of a first family....hopefully not permenantly. You must be capable and dilligent in helping a child deal with and work through this loss. It is not a 'one talk' type of issue...it is ongoing and will always be a part of him. As with all relationships, communication and trust are key....an adoptive child is created by 2 people....those two people deserve your respect. Never, ever, ever negatively discuss the first parents with or around your child. He is a part of them.....so criticizing them is also attacking part of him. Take care!

<<adoptive mommy through foster care.

Answer 6

Well, in my state you must become a foster parent to even think about adopting.  You can then receive children.  Not all of them are going to be up for adoption asap.  Most will still go back to their biological parents.  If the parents rights are terminated, then you have the first option for adopting.  My husband and I are certified foster parents, but have not ever taken any in because our child and soon to be children are so young.  It is something we want to do in the future.

Answer 7

Um, I just wanted to say that the above poster Sophiakat is amazing.

I love your poem and your understanding.  You get it.

Bless you.

Answer 8

Journey Through Care or something like that gives good suggestions....

the transition will depend on the agency, foste parents, you, age and needs of the kids, location...

usually is it best to know the kids, do respite for them, have nice foster parents happy the kids are coming to live with you, visiting the kids in both their home and yours....

many suggest doing real family things from the beginning and not turning it into "weekend with dad" or a vaction.... as older kids tend to transition better if it is real, and not full of special activities... do with them at first what you would do with your kids on a regular basis.... you can go on vaction 6 months or a year later with them after you have a relationship...

there are many books on the subject and a lot of message boards like Happymomanna.com for more specific questions