Adopting question For ADOTPEE's ONLY?

Question

I want to know something before I can make up my mind. I love children . My heart has so much love I want a huge family. I want both biological and adopted children. I will not treat either child diffrently whatsoever. A mother is one who love and cares for you and kisses the boo boo's and takes care of you. not one who nessicarily births you. I need to know how you felt about learning you were adopted . when were you told? Was it a good time? I was planning on telling them when they turned 18 and explain I love then and never loved them any less because they were adopted. I need to kno how to handle that it scares me about them not talking to me because they are upset.

Answer 1

can you email me please...

Answer 2

arg, sorry but you are obviously know little about adoption.

you should tell your child as soon as you can, talk about it before he or she can even talk herself while he or she is cradled in your arms. Telling your child later will make them angry and they may never ever trust you again, they will resent you for the rest of their lives.

Also, even though you mean well by saying you will treat your birth and adopted children the same, they are NOT the same.  Adopted children are separated from their natural mother, and it is now known that the bond starts from within the womb, so no matter how early and how well done a separation is it is still at least slightly traumatic for the child (and birth mother). Your child will very likely love you and trust you and every day thank you for everything you have given them but it's likely that you won't have that strong bond.

Go for an open adoption where the child can access their history and information about their birth parents, this will be a huge help.

Talk openly about their adoption because an adopted child may not ask you if they are scared, make it obvious to them that they are welcome to talk about it and it's not something to be ashamed of. If they come to you, ask you questions and are upset, don't become defensive either, I used to often go to my adoptive mum about issues and she would become defensive and say "but we love you, we have given you everything, we have spent so much money on you etc etc" that makes no difference, the trauma you go through as a child is a real loss and as an adoptive parent you need to listen openly to your child about any issues they have.

Finally, honesty is the biggest thing, always tell the truth. My parents lied and hid so many things from me that I just cant trust them any more and I am always paranoid that they are still hiding things.

Just do a bit more research before you adopt and listen to stories from all sides (adoptees, adoptive parents and birth parents). I am sure you will make a great parent with more knowledge and understanding, so good luck for the future.

P.S never tell them they were chosen, are special gift or a gift from god.

Answer 3

A couple of things here.  Firstly, I have two mothers and two fathers.  I have a first mother and father and and adoptive mother and father.  They are all mothers and fathers to me and I refer to them all as such.

Secondly, if you don't raise your child knowing s/he is adopted, you are asking for huge problems.  I can't remember a time that I didn't know.  I grew up knowing I was adopted.  I knew I was adopted before I truly knew what "adopted" meant.  It's absolutely vital that an adopted person know from the start.  I have yet to see a good outcome to a parent waiting to tell.  

Here's a link to a Website specifically for what are called Late Discovery Adoptees.  The site gives information and support to them.  "Late" pretty much means anyone who didn't always know.  http://latediscovery.org/

Adoption doesn't occur without the loss of a child's first family occurring.  This is a loss that should be acknowledged.  Most adoptions nowadays are open adoptions.  It is healthier for the child to know as much of his/her truth growing up.  This includes knowing who his/her first family is.

Adoption isn't about what the adults want or what they feel they have to offer.  It's about the child's needs.  Those needs include the need for the truth and the acknowledgment of loss, as lots of adopted people do feel that sense of loss.  Not all do feel it, but it's best to be prepared for however your adopted child experiences that loss.  

Even though there was no such thing as open adoption back when I was adopted in the 1960's,  my adoptive mom was always upfront with me about my adoption and she was very aware of the loss involved.  She, herself, told me that she had a feeling of that loss every year on my birthday when she thought about my first family, even though we didn't know them.  I'm glad she understood that.

Answer 4

You have a lot of learning to do, especially if you think you're going to tell them at 18

"Was it a good time?"

Are you kidding?

Here's a kid who found out when he was 13. Does this look like a good time to you?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bBA43VEWz...

Answer 5

I know this says for adoptees only, but my mother was adopted, And it's effected me in a way with my grandparents and "birth grandparents".

My mother was basically told from the start she was adopted.

Pretty much as soon as they could, it didn't effect her at all, I mean she had a very loving home and those were her parents, even though they didn't conceive her, or give birth to her.  I would not recommend waiting until they're 18, or they'll feel betrayed, and as well they wont look like you - so they'll most likely figure something along the lines.

I would tell them once they become an age mature enough to understand what adoption is, and tell them you chose them, and reassure them how special they are.

I consider my mothers adoptive parents my grandparents, and think nothing of my biological grandparents, as they disowned my mother and I could care less about it - You would be the mother - no doubt. As long as you're fine they may want to get to know their 'real' parents.

It takes a strong person to adopt, and someone who REALLY wants and loves children.

But, sadly it does take a long time now adays to adopt.

Answer 6

I was told at 3 and it clicked in my brain when I was 7 and my parents were trying to adopt another child.  I tend to be introspective and it affected me.  I always felt like a piece was missing.  

My parents did not tell my sister she was adopted.  I have no idea why.  I mentioned it to her when Dad died and she was 20.  

I think that she was more emotionally secure growing up than I was.

Finding out at 20, her reaction was that she was grateful that she was not genetically connected to the cousins and family we grew up with because she always felt smarter.

I think it's something that you tell a child when they question the differences.

Sometimes "too much information" is "too much" "too young.

Answer 7

Okay... I am not an adoptee and I am NOT going to try to "speak for them" but i feel compelled to give you a bit of encouragement.

as someone who came here unwittingly announcing my intention to adopt.. some of these people can be HARSH.. try to not get discouraged.. adoption is NOT evil, when done right and when their is honesty..

But they are right about not waiting till 18.. I'm sure it IS much better for the child to always know, since before they can even understand fully what it means.. I understand you mean no harm, you just didn't "know".. don't let anyone make you feel bad for saying the wrong thing.. they are experts at that here.. you didn't know...that's why you came here to ask..

Answer 8

it is never to soon to talk about adoption with your child, but 18 is far too late.

Do you want your child to resent you for having lied to her for 18 years?  Talk about the adoption early and often.

Answer 9

First, you do not know that you will love an adopted child the same as your own child.    That's impossible, and idealistic in a way that could create major disappointment in yours and the adopted child's life.

You believe that the custodial mother is the REAL mother?  I don't.  I was adopted at birth, and found my natural mother at 22.  Emotionally, she is my mother.  She 'gets' me in a way that my adoptive mother never could.  We're like oranges and apples. My natural mother is hard-wired to understand me.

Adopted kids get upset.  More than bio kids, usually.  they have more to get upset about.  Unlike divorced families who lose cohesiveness, adopted kids lose EVERYTHING.  That's a lot to process for anyone.  I'm 43, and I'm still processing it.

There is no magic time to tell a kid they're adopted.  I suppose younger is better, more time to accept reality.

Here are some sites & articles you should visit to decide if you really want to adopt:

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

http://www.origins-usa.org

http://www.babyscoopera.com

A study of adoption:

http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~adoption/to...

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

Answer 10

Your impulse to adopt is good, but your thinking is askew on the subject of "telling the child". You can't spring this news on a fully grown person at 18. You have to make it part of their identity, part of the positive story of their life, from before they even know the meaning of the words you're saying. Telling someone they are not who they think they are at 18 is so disruptive to one's self-concept that it is hard to imagine a loving parent would do that. Your child would be upset if you waited till 18, but the scenario you've described tells me you are thinking of how it would affect YOU, and that's putting yourself at center of world. That orientation will change after you actually become a parent. The child's upset upset would not be about YOU. It would be about him/herself, and the death of who they assumed they were for their whole life. If you work with an agency your counselor will help you with how to introduce the subject at the earliest age and make it postive thing for both the child and the parents.

Answer 11

i think adoption was devistating.

Answer 12

As an adoptee who always knew (I was adopted from a bad situation as an older child), I can say that if I'd been adopted as an infant and not "told" until 18, I would be more affected than if I'd grown up with knowing that I was adopted.

I have a 7 year old daughter, sho has known from the very beginning that she is adopted.  This is the way to go, and to be honest, this is an area that I think has caused more problems for adoptees . . . not being told.

Answer 13

I think its great u r willing to adopt and also put yourself out there and get advice. shows u really care about the feelings and u r willing to show your own perspective even if others don't agree. I was adopted and was told right from as young as I can remember. For me I think this was the best. It was a part of who I was but also accepted that I was special because I was chosen and my birth mom loved me and had to make a sacrifice to give me up because she wasn't able to care for me...too young. I don't think I would have dealt with it too well finding out later in life. especially as delicate as those teen years can be. I will share this part of my testimony also. there was one secret kept from me and that was my adopted parents really did know who my birth mom was...she was actually a family memeber....my adopted moms niece. I found out from a nieghbourhood friend who heard it from her own family. things do get out and it's better to come from u. also if u explain when they are young it really does make it easier to accept and learn to be proud of who they are. it helps a child to define what a parent really is....someone that loves and cares for u. if your kids find out later it will make them feel like an outsider...especially if u have biological children also. they also may find out on their own. or even worse..what if God forbid something happens to you...then they find out after your gone without answers. I know for a fact it would have been devastating to find out later...in fact...the part that was kept from me did and I felt like I was betrayed for a while. hope this helps u get some clearity on what to do. I think if you wait too long then what u r saying is there is something to be ashamed of or we are protecting your feelings cause you can't handle the truth or even we are ashamed because we really are not your parents. you have to make it a positive thing..something to embrace and teach your child there isn't anything to shame in this, we love you, to us u are our own and define what a parent really is...someone that is there and wants to be one...someone that love unconditionally...someone willing to deal with all the questions and please do not let them feel you are uncomfortable talking about anything...including the birth parents. let your child feel you are secure with the love they have for you also..even if they get curious. I always felt I could talk to my mom about everything meaning the adoption but then when I got a bit older I could sense that she was insecure about me knowing about my birth parents. I didn't want her to hurt so I  kept it in a lot.

Answer 14

I was adopted as an infant and I also adopted 2 children when they were born- I love it that you desire to be a mom and give both your biological children and adopted children a good home- but I must asked you , no I will actually beg you not to wait until they are 18 to tell them. I was very early- even before I really understood what adopted means, and we told our 2 children before they new the meaning either.  If I had been told when I was older- I would have always thought it was "second best"- even if my mom and dad had told me they did not love me any less-  Put yourself in their shoes-  if your parents had adopted you, and decided not to tell you until you were 18 wouldn't you think that something was wrong with that?  Honestly, knowing I was adopted from a very early stage made it much easier , I believe, because it was not "hidden" from me, until they thought I might understand it all. Please don't wait, if you decide to bring a child into your home by adoption share that immediately with them. remember that if you have older biological children, they are going to know they were adopted and some day they may mention it, and then your adopted children will feel different.

Answer 15

I am very close with my birthmom, but she will never be my mother, nor will she ever compare to my mom, the one who raised me. I was adpoted in my family by my great aunt and uncle, and my birthmom told me that she was my mother when I was 12...I had known I was adopted for as long as I can remember and my mom (adoptive) never tried to hide it from me...when I found out who my mom really was, I was a little upset, but more weirded out...I had a lot of questions, but didnt ask at the time...I was a little hurt because she had another child (my little sister) and she kept her...anyways, I have never been ashamed to have been adopted...I think it was the greatest thing to have happened to me...I was raised in a stable, loving environment and if I could go back, I would not have changed it for anything...my best advice is to not hide it from your children and answer any questions they may have honestly...do not wait until they are 18, as it may cause some hard feelings, do it as soon as they are old enough to understand!

Answer 16

First, your adopted child, if you adopt, may not agree with your definition of "mother."  For me, my mother gave birth to me.  And my other mother raised me (for a time, anyway).  They are both my mothers.  

I was told at a very young age that I was adopted.  And then it was never discussed again.  I love my adoptive parents.  I also missed my first mom quite a bit.  I have always felt her absence.  I've always wondered about her.  And it wasn't something I felt comfortable talking to my adoptive parents about.  

I had a good life.  But I would not describe being adopted as "a good time."

Answer 17

my name is noah and i was adopted. i was told around the age of 3, which really is young to know that. but i took it well and i never ever told my mom 'your not even my real mother!' when i ever got mad. i think it was a good time to tell me thoguh because if my mother told me at 18 i would have flipped out, and really i am proud of being adopted it makes me feel even more special.

         i dont think you should wait till theyre 18 to tell them because they have a right to know (in my opinion) and they might feel the way i do about being adopted (proud) and thats really cool because its really a nice thing to do and a good deed giving a child a home to live in with love and welcome and making them happy and all.

          just explain to them how it really is to be adopted and that its not like they were from an orphanage because some kids thought that way about me when i was younger but i explained that the mother had reasons and couldnt take care of me properly so another family who really wanted to take care of me and cared about me a lot adopted me as their own and that i am theirs and i am not that mothers daughter i am her birth daughter.

Answer 18

I was adopted and have always known ( althought I dont know my birthparents) I dont think telling at kid at 18 would be so traumatic and devistateing to a person so please dont do that. Tell them as a child, they may not fully understand but will ask questions when necesary. That way they dont ever feel lied to about the situation. I never was upset by it I was always very happy and had a great childhood.

Answer 19

I'm an adoptee (I see there are still people who were not adopted attempting to tell you how it feels to be adopted LOL!)

My parents have always treated me the same as their two bio kids - always equally loved and always fairly treated.

However I did not FEEL the same, through no fault of theirs; I felt like a piece of a jigsaw puzzle that had been put away in the wrong box.    I didn't quite fit in despite them loving me the same and despite them treating me the same.    

Differences need to be acknowledged and never dismissedand ignored.   The biggest myth in adoption is that it is no different than having a bio child - whilst this may feel true for the adopters and the adoptive family, it is not always the adoptee's truth

'Telling' is not a one-time event.  Start to tell as early as possible and talk talk and talk somemore as the child's cognitive skills increase.  Never ever ever leave it until they are 18!  that will not work and they will think their whole life has been a lie

If you tell early and talk about it througout life, your relationship can only grow stronger in trust.

Secrets and lies never work and only lead to heartache in the end.

Answer 20

i think that adopting is not good. giving birth is better cuz you feel better because you know that you did it and that its not someone elses. and that its yours.

Answer 21

i take it you dont have either at the moment. i have a bio  child and have just finished all the appraisals to adopt , i adore children also , but to be honest , if i could have had more bio kids , i wouldnt need to adopt , this doesnt mean to say we would never adopt , but in the uk the prosess is so hard and invasive and distressing that alot of people give up at the first hurdle. have your kids first and see how you feel .

Answer 22

I was told from the day I was brought home at 3 days old. Children's books are a HUGE way to break it easy.There are lots of gentle children's books that deal with adoption in happy ways. These books made me feel special, and they always emphasized that I was *wanted* and not abandoned.

Later, when I was about 5-13, I hit a rough patch and was resentful. I said some things to by adoptive parents I shouldn't have. But then, every child that age does too.

After puberty I grew a deep admiration for my parents in the way they went about raising me as a non-biological child.

I would strongly recommend letting the child know from the begining, on your own terms. This way, it is ingrained in their identities in a *positive* way, and will ultimately strengthen your bond.