Adoption, give the positives a chance!?

Question

My adoption wasn't good, but I'm not going take out my misery and anger at someone else who actually didn't have a bad experience. Why do people give people thumbs down just because they happened to have a GOOD experience with adoption? Okay, it's okay if they are ignorant or provide a stupid or insulting answer, but I have read many interesting positive answers who have as many as ten thumbs down. You cannot disagree with someone's experience that's impossible, they lived it, they experienced it, you can't tell them actually no the way you lived was incorrect! I know there are also, including myself, people who have had to deal with a lot of pain with adoption but I think we should give credit to those who have positive experiences. I mean arent we promoting positive adoptions rather than stamping them down?

Answer 1

im one of the lucky ones and was adopted by two wonderful people(my grandparents).some people do have bad adoptions and too them im sorry.

i do agree with you about the people that give the thumbs down when its a good and happy ending,alot of people are very ignorant towards the stories of adoptees and its very upsetting,its not our fault that we were adopted,people need to open there eyes start to understand people in this situation as there giving the thumbs down for something they dont understand,all were doing is telling our side of things when people need advice,i suppose now i will get alot of thumbs down for speaking my mind,but thats the truth.

Answer 2

Adoption is a serious issue.  It involves two lives.  The life of the person/child adopted is at stake.  Once adopted, I feel good tht your attitude is positive and you continue to discharge your responsibility towards the child.  It is some-times difficult but you have to understand the complexity as it is a entirely seperate entity. Do not worry about thumbs-down. Continue you job sincerely, don't worry about others, dont ask others. GOOD LUCK,

Answer 3

You're worried about the thumbs.

I'm worried about the children.

You've already seen and commented on the lack of education (in adoption issues) of many of the posters here.

Personally - I think that is because too many have been forced to be quiet for too long.

If there is to be any change - voices need to be heard.

If it upsets someone while they are eating their breakfast - I don't apologise.

Maybe my words will stop just one mother from listening to the Adoption Agency hype of giving away her child.

That one child will be spared from having adoption pain.

And that is a good thing.

I have too many very very dear friends that live with adoption pain on a daily, weekly, monthly, yearly basis. It's different for all - but all have a hard time because of the adoption trauma.

Yep - it's great that their are those that have had a good adoption experience.

I wouldn't wish this pain on ANYONE.

My only hesitance in believing adoptees that say adoption is completely wonderful - is that I was once one of those adoptees.

But now I've come out of the fog.

American society basically believe that it is OK to hurt thousand and thousands of mothers and children every year - so that those that can't have children of their own - can have a baby.

(adoption statistics in the US are simply disgusting - over 120,000 babies per year)

It should NOT be OK for women to relinquish their children unless they have VERY VERY good reasons.

Both mother and child receive deep, life altering, psychological scaring from relinquishment - that stays - sometimes buried - for life.

And THEN salt is rubbed into their wounds when they are told - 'get over it' - 'be grateful' - 'it was for all for the best'.

Who was it 'best' for  - mostly the adoptive parent.

Meanwhile adoptees are then told that they should be happy that they have those scars - because it means that they were loved!!!

That's some sick and twisted stuff going on.

Yes - I will admit - that some children do need adoption - but if those children are then denied contact and information from their first family - more trauma is laid upon the child.

I disagree strongly with those that support separation of mother and child.

I just have to.

Answer 4

Of course we should be celebrating and giving credit to adoptions that work out well.  Unfortunately, too many don't.  Mine did.  My dad married a German National while in the US Air Force.  He died in a training accident when I was one. Mom wanted to go back to Germany but grandparents talked her into leaving me here in US for better education.  My uncle and aunt adopted me.  All my life they were and always will be those I call my parents.  My dad (uncle) was in the Air Force too.  When we got stationed in Germany the first thing he did was to make sure I met and knew my real mother.  Loved her till the day she died for leaving me in the US.  Now, all my parents and grandparents are gone but my fondest thoughts and memories are of my mom and dad (aunt and uncle).  I got pretty lucky and I am proud to say it.  So, if I get a thumbs down, oh well, that's the voters problem not mine.  If they can't be happy for me then I doubt they are happy for themselves.

Sorry you had a bad experience but it's what you do now that matters.  Keep dwelling on the bad and you'll never move forward.  Find the good in your life (I'll bet there is a lot more than you currently realize) focus on that and use it to grow.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Maybe the thumb downers find the answers simple and sounding like adoption agency propaganda?

I am not sure, I am happy when someone sincerely has a good experience being adopted, it is a very complex issue, I certainly hope there is the possbility of well, not exactly being happy but content with one's situation, and perhaps believing it really was the best course for their particular life.

I would advise not caring so much about the thumbs though, who knows why people thumb the way they do as there is no explanation, like I would like to thumb wrey down for misuse of the expression, "please excuse my French"  that is only applicable with the f--k word, followed by the very trite expression about opinions and aholes, but I didn't because I am so very tired.

Answer 6

Freedom?  We are those children's voices--can't you see that?

I used to live in NYC in the 80's.  I remember parades of angry g**s chanting (and I'll never forget it)

"We're here, we're q***r, get used to it!"

And I thought, gee, why are they so ANGRY?

Maybe because they had to live a lie?  No one wanted to listen to them?  Everyone told them to 'get over it'.  No one acknowledged their TRUTH.

I don't care what ANYONE says, I have never met an adopted person who isn't screwed up from their adoption.  Never.  And in my 43 years I have paid A LOT closer attention to adoptees and adoption issues than most of you new-on-the-scene adoption is butterflies and rainbows people.

Yes, there are bio kids in bio families who have bad childhoods/bad experiences.  They are 98% of the population--how could they not?  Adoptive families are 2% of the American population.  We are far overrepresented in psychological treatment centers.  Did you know that an adopted male is 16 times more likely to be a serial killer?!  This social experiment that y'all are so excited about does screwy thing to people's heads.  It's just not healthy.

So if you had a perfect adoption, rock on.  If you think it's okay to submerge your innate curiosity about how you arrived on planet Earth, that's cool.

Just stop trying to get me to put my muzzle back on, cause I ain't evah goin' back in the closet!

Answer 7

Somebody's gotta be born into the abusive families, to the moms who don't want them, somebody's gotta end up in foster care or adopted...it's all a great big luck of the draw.

At the end of the day, just thank God you're alive, you could be in Darfur right now and you'd look at your woes here as trivial.

Answer 8

I drank the adoption koolaid but my adoptive mom would not let me any longer.  She wanted me to search.  Yep I have a mom that gets it.  Really gets it now.  

Like Possum so wisely suggested. I too am worried about the children.  I worry about my own children being gobled by the industry.  Adoption is the dealing with human lives yet the industry treats us all as commodities.  In the United States we are treated as second class people who can't handle knowing our heritage.  Many people hear have said that adoptees should be grateful for what they do have.  Well I for one want my truth.  I want all adoptees to have the choice to search.  If they search so be it.  If they don't search so be it.  Natural mothers are the excuse many use who need privacy.  97% of mothers don't want it.  That speaks volumes.  I hate to say this.  I will get flamed for this.  Adoptive parents want that privacy.  Adoption agencies and attorneys want that privacy.  Many times it is to cover their misdeeds.  These people actually fear what adoptees, natural parents, and adoptive parents might do if they learned the truth.

Answer 9

I don't thumb down everyone I don't agree with.  Just the ones who I find demeaning or offensive.

I have reported people for making lists of so called "adoption haters" to ban and trying to chase those who disagree with them away from the boards.  And I have reported people who unethically solicit expectant mothers for their babies while claiming to be a source of information.  

Other than that, I mind my own business and let people share their experiences.

And the thumbing down happens to everyone.  Thumbs are fun but they are also kind of silly.

Answer 10

I can't say this enough:  I had a good adoption.  My adoptive parents are great people, and I love them very much.  I am very tired of the notion that saying adoption made life more difficult for me means I somehow had a bad adoption.

Adoption has been inherently painful for me, despite the efforts of those who love me to mitigate my pain.  That's my truth, and I'm sticking with it.  If someone wants to thumb me up or down for that, it changes nothing about me or my experience, and I don't much care.  

And why are "we" supposed to be in the business of "promoting positive adoptions"?  If that's in the YahooAnswers mission statement somewhere, I missed it.

Answer 11

I wish there was a way to check neutral. I also don't normally thumb someone down unless I disagree with them, the information they provide is false or I find what they said offensive. When I am neutral, not really agreeing but not really disagreeing either, I just don't thumb at all.

For example if you said "I had a very happy life and I'm very happy and grateful I was adopted" I wouldn't give you a thumbs up because I hate all that grateful c**p, but I wouldn't give you a thumbs down because I can't disagree that you feel that way. But, if you said "I had a very happy life, I'm glad I was adopted and any adoptee who doesn't agree with me is miserable and is an evil adoption hater" then I would disagree and give you a big thumbs down.

Try to think of the thumbs more of an agree or disagree, not as a personal attack. I've gotten thumbed down for all sorts of stuff, like saying children come from a uterus, that I think changes should be made in the way adoption works, or that I think a young woman should try to keep her child. I don't get it, but not everyone has to agree with me. To each their own.

Answer 12

Thank You, I agree with you but be careful someone the other day posted a note on here talking about how we all want what is best for the kids and how it was nice to see everyone getting along and all of those "adoption-hater" had him reported within 10 minutes, I tried to see this certain groups point of view and undersand their pain but I am beginning to think they are like a plague and nothing good can come from their being here.. Sorry but all I see is a few people set out to destroy those whon desire to adopt ot have had a good adoption and all the while doing nothing to make like better for the children who are needing voices..

Answer 13

i fell asleep...whats the question?

Answer 14

I wasn't adopted, but all I can say is god bless anyone who has the heart to adopt and raise the child in a happy healthy way. You are right, it's ignorant to give someone thumbs down for sharing their own experience. It's no different for giving someone a thumbs down for talking about a bad experience with their biological parents.

Answer 15

pardon my french but opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one.  giving a thumbs down is an annonymous way of sharing an opinion even if it doesnt make sense.  You are entirely right, sharing your experience truthfully is frustrating when you receive thumbs down for sharing it.  

It's also frustrating when you are sharing the best information possible and someone comes along and gives a thumbs down just because they feel like it.

added: see my two thumbs down? My point exactly!

Answer 16

Its naive of anyone to believe that all adoptions work out really well, just as its naive to believe that all biological parenting works out really well or that all marriages work out well.

At the same time, there are excellent adoptions, excellent biological parents, and excellent marriages.  Not acknowledging that those exist is just misguided.

There's also a whole range of adoptions, parents, and marriages that fall somewhere along the scale between horrible to excellent.

In other words, I agree with you.