Adoption 'ruining' your life?

Question

What if you're an adoptee, who doesn't feel that adoption has ruined your life? What if you don't hold on to anger and hatred, and don't blame people with no bearing on the situation for your pain?

See, it's kind of confusing, because I heard this rumour that all adoptees were supposed to be able to speak thier truth, validate their feelings, and be open and honest about what it means to be adopted.

But if you don't have huge hang ups (even though you can respect other's opinions and issues), you're wrong.

What do you do?

Answer 1

Your quote:

" I do however think adoption is a necessary choice for some people"  

Very, very few.

I have a happy life NOW in spite of adoption, not because of it.  But I sure woudn't wish it on anyone.

Sounds like you did well in the lottery.  I'm glad.  Truly.

Answer 2

Adoption didn't ruin my life.  

I have a nice life.  Very nice in fact.

I have a lot of family that loves me, biological and adopted, two beautiful children and wonderful loving husband.

And I am also fortunate enough to live in the most beautiful area in the entire country.

I am and always have been a very happy, fortunate, well liked person.

None of that changes the fact that my firstmother was coerced into relinquishing me.

None of that changes the fact that I believe all adoptees should have access to their birth certificates and medical histories.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. It is very easy to slap a label on a person (anti, n**i, bitter, angry) so that you don't have to listen to them anymore.

And honestly,I am getting pretty tired of having to defend my adoptive parents and my childhood simply because I think there are parts of the adoption industry that need some serious fixing.

Answer 3

My life is not ruined, and you have the same free speech rights as anyone else.  If confronting opinions on adoption that differ from your own feels threatening to you, that's not my problem.

Answer 4

Good for you.    I am the mother of six, five adopted from birth and one pregnancy at age 44.

The best time of my life was being a mother to my six children.

There was always laughter and love in our house, and all have grown up with wonderful attitudes and love for their own children.

Over the years I have studied the reaction of adoptees when they become adults and this is what I have found.

If a child was adopted and felt, different, wasn't loved, abused or brought up in a family that wasn't a happy group, they start to think about "where they came from".  

If an adopted child is loved from the first minute. treated as one of a family, and not treated as Different, they grow up with love for their parents and a happy and contented life as adults.

Example.  I used to hear parents say "This is my adopted child and this is my own."   This made my stomach heave, and I knew, from that point on that adopted child would not feel good about themselves.

I would introduce my children as "These are my children".

Words are as important as actions, and words can tear a childs life apart.   I never mentioned to anyone, that my children were adopted, which in itself was rather funny.

Why?  My two oldest boys were born 27 days apart, one was black and the other caucasian.  I had a twin buggy and had them both in it, pushing them around when people would approach me.   Are they yours?   Are they twins?  I always had an answer for them.  Yes they are mine and yes they are twins, it happens you know, one can be born black and the other white.  Then I would walk away and hysterically have to sit down so that I could compose my laughter.  I look back and wish I could do it all over again.   My children have never enquired about who "they were",

where they came from"  because they were completely happy with a loving mother and father, that they knew adored them.

Answer 5

I don't quite get what your point is with this question.  I am probably one of those angry ones.  When adoptees rights are violated.  When natural parents rights are violated.  Even when adoptive parents rights are violated.  I get quite a bit peeved.

As long as people like you are making adoption nice nice, we are not going to reform adoption.  My adoptive mother  is a gem but even she thinks adoption itself needs to be reformed massively.  She is the one that pushed me into searching.  She is the woman behind this monster of anger.  She believes in all of us having access to the documents that record our births.  She loves me passionately but wants for me  to have my information.

When you have people trolling for babes on Yahoo answers, myspace and every else, things need to change.  Adoption is supposed to about children.  Why is it about entitled adopters now?

Answer 6

I have never thumbs-downed an adoptee who simply spoke their truth, even if that truth is hard for me to hear--that they are 100% happy they were adopted.

However, I DO and WILL thumbs-down adoptees who include in their answers any of the following: stereotypes of natural moms; inaccurate information; demeaning comments about adoptees who DO feel some loss and hurt about their adoptions; or mischaracterizations of people who are less than 100% happy about adoption.

For example: If your question were an answer, I would give it a thumbs down, NOT because you say you are happy to have been adopted, but because you imply that adoptees who talk about the "dark side" are blaming, have hatred, and have stereotyped them as "angry."

My point? You want to tell someone that adoption has been the best thing to happen FOR YOU, or that YOU are happy to be adopted, or that YOU have no desire to meet your bio parents, or that YOU THINK in YOUR EXPERIENCE that adoption is wonderful, fine. Go for it--I won't thumb you down, promise. But if you make generalizations--"adoption is wonderful!"--I'm going to thumb you down--because it is NOT wonderful for everyone--that's inaccurate. If you call adoptees who have some hurt about their adoptions "anti-adoption" or say they are "just blaming everything on adoption" or any other nonsense, I'm going to thumbs you down, because again--it's inaccurate, and it's demeaning. If you say something like "Adoption is a blessing because it provides a home for a child who couldn't be raised by its biological parents," I'm going to thumb you down, because that stereotypes us natural moms--some of us WERE capable of raising our children.

BTW, all the above are just examples, I'm not saying you've ever said those things... except for the pieces from this particular question. Just trying to explain WHY you might be getting thumbs down for some answers. At least that is my reasoning for giving a thumbs down.

Answer 7

I think PhilM..has expressed what i wanted to say. Most of us do speak about how we feel...but when we do we are labeld as n**i's which i find kinda of insulting. Most of us are respectful in answering questions we do not name call, but we get lumped with the rest of the ones that are rude. Do, i have issues? Yes, but not towards my adoptive parents. I have issues that have to do with the fear of rejection because i had always felt that my birth mother rejected me. I have been in the process of working through those feelings. I have been in the process of forgiving her. I do feel that adoption is good, there is a need for homes for children. what i feel is necessary ia adoption reforms, so that all involved are protected.

Answer 8

(Repeated answer)

I am tired of the constant baiting.

It would be nice if the Adoption section on Y!A could get back to sincere questions and sincere answers, and eliminate those "questions" and "answers" - like this one - which are designed solely to inflame some kind of "war."

I think we could do without the name-calling, ridiculous assumptions, and insinuations. Let's ignore all these and get back to sincere, helping information and true education.

Adoption is supposed to be for the benefit of children in need of permanent, emotionally healthy homes. Could we please focus on that?

I have spent the past 10+ years researching and learning about the underlying causes and results of infant/maternal separation, abusive/bad parenting, infant & child trauma, etc. I have a lot of knowledge to share. But, if these inflammatory Q & As continue, Y!A will not longer be a benefactor of this knowledge.

Petty personal issues and unresolved anger on the part of certain people are preventing desperately needed evolution in responsible child rearing & care.

Answer 9

To say that my pain and loss ruined my life is rediculous. It is completely irrelivent. No matter how much support you get, you have to survive. You get on with life. Sometimes you cry, you get mad, you feel useless and abandoned and lost. But you get on with life, you have some friends, you have some family, you go to school or work. You have what you could call a life. Maybe it's effected by adoption, but as an adoptee I have not blamed my whole life on adoption. Adoption is a trauma, not a lifestyle.

I myself have never really blamed anyone, I felt anger at people, but deep down I have not really blamed anyone, it was really more displaced anger.

You are not wrong. Just some people's pain and hurt are so strong that they find it hard to not imagine having that pain. Try to understand this and realise that for feeling a different way from them is completely okay.

Answer 10

I think you live life and speak your truth.  You've described me until the second last sentence.  Adoption hasn't ruined my life.  I don't hold on to anger and hatred.  I don't blame people with no bearing on my situation.  I don't call people "n***s" or "smart ***es."  I do have some hang-ups, though people who don't aren't wrong.

Yet, despite that, despite that all I have ever done since I've been on this site is talk about my experiences, and not called others names for talking about theirs, I've been blocked from people's questions, given thumbs down, and baited with questions that seem designed to bring out the worst in people.  

What I do, is try to keep doing what is best for my own mental health, which is trying to make sense of things, and share what little I've learned in my life about my experiences with adoption.  

What I try not to do, is antagonize people over and over again.

What you do is up to you.  But given your stated interest in a truce, might I suggest that you hang up the words "n**i" and "smart ***" and not ask this kind of question in the future?  It seems to bring out the very conflict you want to avoid.  However, it's your choice.  I won't call you names over your decision to do it.

Answer 11

i think it does ruin your life

especially when your parents do not tell u right away that you are adopted

Answer 12

I'm not sure really how adoption could possibly ruin your life?  Obviously, some people have absolutely terrible adoption experiences, just as some people unfortuanately have terrible experiences with the family they are born into.  Really though, something can only ruin your life it you let it, regardless of the impact it makes on you, you are the only one who can choose how bitter or accepting you are.

You're absolutely right, how can anybody tell someone else how they should feel about something?  Everybody has such unique experiences and thoughts, that personal feelings like that are all valid.

Answer 13

wow....things sure haven't changed around here. Same fingers pointing at the same people, with the same accusations, and the same replies.

My question is...how come nobody has read the answers? surely that would prevent the necessity of asking the same questions over and over again?

( looks left and right with suspicious smiley face )

If you're an adoptee who doesn't feel that adoption has "ruined" your life, then come on over and kick it with us, because the majority of adoptees I know don't feel its ruined their life either.

If you don't hold anger and hatred and don't blame people with no bearing on the situation for your pain then you'll fit right in with most of the adoptees I know at AAAFC because they feel the SAME WAY.

I tend to have a sliver of anger in me that I direct twords those who deserve it, the industry. And I utilize that anger to actively fight legislation in my state and country.

Acknowledging pain and injustices done to you beyond your control isn't the same as what you have mentioned above. Adoption is complex, as I'm sure you've felt and known throughout your life. Just the process of searching is hard, congrats on your reunion :) If some experience anger thats okay too. Just as you want recognition for your feelings, and validation in your truth, others want it to. Wherever ANY of us are in the path to healing from any damage loss of our families and lack of validation to the trauma in adoption has done to us, is just fine. We all can be heard, validated and given a place to heal.

To the person who was throwing around n**i remarks the last time I was here a few weeks ago, don't you throw those accusations my direction, i'm not responsible for brutally murdering millions of people. You'd better be very careful on who you call a n**i when speaking to me.

blessings to the rest of you.

aloha

Answer 14

My life is far from ruined. I am successful in my career, educated, well read, articulate,spiritual, honest, loving, strong willed, driven etc. etc. etc.

I am also, attachment disordered, anorexic, borderline personality diagnosed, angry, depressed, medicated, manic, smoking and toking, caffeinated, perfection bound etc. etc. etc.

All of these things stem, in some way, from my experiences as an adoptee and natural mother. My entire world has been shaped by two choice  choices that were not choices at all. The first on July 31, 1977 and the second on September 17, 1997. Twenty years apart and two different women with the result being the same. A child lost to coercion.

Would I have it any other way? NOT ON YOUR LIFE! The events that transpired on those fateful days have given me a story to tell and have driven me to find a voice to tell them. I love who I am. It took 30 years to see it but by the Goddess's light I have prevailed and I will tell my story. One of abandonment and abandoners, of infertility and the desire to "help" a child, of love and loss and love found again.

Simply put, had I not been adopted or placed my son I would not be who I am, and who I am is pretty darned special!!

Answer 15

Ruined?  My life isn't ruined.

Where else but adoption could you find such a cruel statement mocking people's very real pain

Would you say to a woman traumatized by rape or someone grieving the death of a loved one "hey what if you don't hold on to that, why not just let it go"

Answer 16

I wonder what exactly the definition of a "ruined life" is?

I like to think that everyone who is still alive even if in a difficult situation, still holds possibility and potential.

I am glad you don't feel ruined, I don't see any need to, and if you are hearing rumors like this, you may want to re-evaluate your sources of information.

I have not heard of any planned crucifixtions, I wouldn't put too much thought into it.

I have noticed that you seem like a very angry person, who likes to insult people with different points of view, to the extent that you create ruses, and some pretty convoluted name-calling.

I wonder how this serves you?

Good luck, I wish you peace and well-being.

P.S I didn't answer your question!  Here is advice on what to do from here, enjoy your life, consider yourself blessed, be kind to others, volunteer in your community if you are feeling lost, find a cause you feel strongly about and help promote it, plant a garden, listen to music, call an old friend, make a new friend, try a new recipe, clean out the closet, sew curtains, lots and lots of things you can do, no reason to dispair.

p.p.s.

It is okay, really.  No one wants to harm you  there is no reason to feel threatened, honestly.

Answer 17

This is just ridiculous. Earlier you posted that you wanted a truce and for everyone to get along, then pick another best answer that trashes us and you say you didn't really mean it, you just wanted to see if us "n***s" could be respectful (uhm, where was I disrespectful to you ever?). Now you  post this saying we hold on to our anger and hatred, blame others for our pain, don't let others speak their truth, have huge hang ups and are smart a**es. What the heck?! I've -never- name called to any of you and you guys say all of this horribly mean stuff, pretend to want a truce then laugh and call us more names? I hope everyone else can see exactly who is being rude and who is being respectful here. Would you allow people to speak to your adopted children like this? Show me where I have EVER been rude to you or anyone else here.

And to answer your question, not that you will hear it, not that you'll listen no matter how much thought and time I put into giving you an honest heartfelt answer, no matter the fact you'll pick a best answer that calls us all idiots and jerks and say you didn't really care you just wanted to see what the n***s would say, I had a great life and I'm perfectly happy in spite of the pain and loss I feel surrounding losing my mother and my siblings. I have no issue whatsoever with happy adoptees speaking their truths as long as they don't stomp all over my right to speak mine (and call me a n**i anti adoption zealot for not also being in the 'adoption is always wonderful' camp). Which of us is spouting anger and hatred? I never called anyone a n**i, an anti adoption zealot, said anyone should be sterilized at birth, or any of the things said about us, never. Only twice have I ever given a snarky answer instead of the absolute best answer I could, and I even said in the answer that I was having a really bad day that day (one got chosen as best answer by the asker too). Go through my answers, show me where I've been any of the things we're accused of being. Show me. Go to http://www.informedadoptions.com and show me where I've done anything but try to help people.

Now ignore everything I just said and choose someone saying "oh they're all a bunch of whacko idiots who are sick in the head, don't listen to them, they're n**i ******* anyways" and pretend none of us answered you.

Answer 18

I was 50% adopted. My mom cheated on her husband, and he adopted me as his own.

Trouble was, he was a different ethnicity. Moreover, they didn't tell me until I was 23.

It confused me, because I thought I was half-White all my life, while I don't look half-White. I got frustrated because I saw all the Asian kids with White friends, but I didn't have any, and I thought that being half-White should mean that I have more White friends.

I'm glad I found out that I'm full-Asian. At least racism makes sense now. I'm full-Asian, and am a target of racism. Simple as that. I don't have the money other Asians do to buy friendship, so I remain the way I am, and the anger builds to unreal proportions. I could swear that when I get angry, I can lift almost 400 pounds.