Adoption Haters ?

Question

I have only been reading some questions for about 5 minutes, and i am simply appalled. There are so many people in here who just wish adoption was illegal or something. Thinking that nothing good could come of adoption.

I don't see how providing a child with a loving environment and opportunity to succeed could be such a negative thing. Some even say that they wish they weren't adopted and that their birth parents kept them. Sure the parents might be ok now, but what about when you were an infant or a toddler, could they have taken better care of you than your A-parents did? I doubt it since they CHOSE to have other people nurture you and give you a chance at life.

Then there are those who only want people to adopt from the U.S. How selfish can you be? There are millions of children around the world who deserve love and compassion just as much as those that are here in the U.S. The children in the orphanages are in conditions that are WAY better than you will ever find in places like India and China. Besides, the foster care system and legal issues involved with birth mothers turn parents off.

How can anyone thing adoption is wrong?

Answer 1

Ok, I just now logged on the the adoption page of YA, so I don't know what others are saying. I, however, am adopted so here's my two cents on the matter: I understand the emotional pain experienced by those who were adopted and wish that they had been kept by their biological parents.  There are times that, as much as I love my adoptive parents, that I wish for the same thing and feel more than a little bit discarded and hurt. To those who think adoption is cruel because it can cause emotional damage to the child, you would be right in my case as I have a mild form of what's called "attachment disorder".  All that being said, however, I believe that when the choice is between adoption and abortion, I vote for adoption each and every single time. Don't fool yourselves into thinking that this wasn't the type of choice being made in your case, just talk to some extreme pro-abortion people and you'll find out that you're and "unwanted child", etc. As adults, we have the choice of whether we want to live our lives or not. As infants, others make this decision for us. Support adoption, and you will support the right of the infant to decide whether his/her life is worth living.  On the flip side, I don't think that either the birth mothers or adoptive parents should be under the impression that the child will have no residual effects from the adoption experience. That would be a lie, and it's a lie that can serve to do further damage to the child as they get older. Whew, that was a long post... Great question!

Edit: I agree, closed records should be abolished, and open adoptions should be more common than closed. Children from minority groups, heck all ethnic groups, should be taught as much as possible about their culture, pride in their past, etc.

Answer 2

Well, i think people who are adopted need to come to the cold hard fact that if their biological parents kept them they wouldn't have had the best upbringing.  To be raised by resentful parent(s) is much worse then being raised by people who actually chose you.  Look at all the messed up people in the world raised by people who didn't want them.  

We are a culture that loves to whine.  So if you hate adoption then i assume you would have preferred to be aborted?  A young scared mother doesn't have options.  My mother chose to give up my brother.  No money, poverty and she could barely feed me.  She chose two doctors who desperately wanted a baby.  She lives with this guilt everyday but she either was going to go the adoption route or the abortion route.  

Answer 3

Yeah, you just stumbled in here with your pointed question...yawn.

Anyway, I think you're asking the wrong generation of adoptees your stereotyped questions.  Most of our mothers had no choice, times were different in the 50s, 60s, 70s.

The majority of women give their children UP because they lack resources.  For my mother it was a wedding band, for the Indian mothers you speak of it's cash.

"How selfish can you be?" you ask?

How low can you go?  Babies are not houses in foreclosure.  How can you LIVE with yourself for taking a child away from his mother for yourself?

Turn your high powered lens on yourself, dear.

Answer 4

I'll have to let my kept sibs know they missed out.

Too bad mom didn't love them enough to give them enough to CHOSE adoption.

  

Answer 5

Of course I wish I wasn't adopted. It's not that my life wasn't good,it was,my adopted mother is a saint.My adopted father is a piece of **** so 50/50. It's not that I wish my actual birth parents had kept me-what would it be like to be raised by the kind of woman who could abandon her own child?probably not so good!-I instead wish I had been born to my mom so I could have never felt the pain of knowing that I wasn't worth the trouble.I am a single mother and I'm poor but I could never give up my girl. I love her and will do what I have too to make her life good. As long as selfish and unfit people keep reproducing adoption will be the only option.  

Answer 6

Hats off to you for voicing what I have felt for so long abt the people's opinions on adoption; I just never say too much. Without our son's birthmother we'd never be parents. We owe her so much. She knew she couldn't parent a child and chose adoption over abortion. To me that is love!

Answer 7

I'll take the cue to discuss the issue of sealed records, a practice that discriminates against adopted citizens.

This is an issue of an entire group of citizens, adopted adults, being barred from a right non-adopted citizens have. Unequal treatment under the law is discrimination by the state holding the records. This discrimination turns access to one's own birth record from a right to a privilege, based solely on the adoptive status of a person, a condition over which the adopted person had no say or control. No other citizens but adopted adults are expected to grovel before a judge or ask someone else’s permission in order to obtain access to their own birth records. This places adopted citizens in a position of being considered suspect and placed in a secondary class compared to non-adopted citizens.

At one point in history, no one was denied the right to his or her own birth record, adopted or not adopted. The sealing of these records began in the 1930's to hide the shame of out-of-wedlock pregnancy and infertility. Sealing records was also a means allowing adoptive parents privacy from birth parents. Some states did not seal records until much later, while some states, Alaska and Kansas, never sealed records.

For anyone who believes records are sealed in order to protect the anonymity of the natural parents, consider the actual law.

*It is highly notable that records only seal upon the finalization of an adoption. They only stay sealed if an adoption remains intact. They do not seal upon relinquishment, are not sealed while the child is in foster care and are not sealed while the child is in an adoptive placement that is not yet finalized by the court. How does this protect a natural parent's anonymity?

  

*If an adoption fails, i.e. the adoptive parents "return" the child, the original birth record with the natural parents' names on it, is unsealed and re-established as the child's only legal birth certificate. How does this protect the natural parents' anonymity? Incidentally, I'm sad to say that there have been stories in the papers lately about failed adoptions occurring.

  

*Adult adopted citizens in states with sealed records can gain access to their birth records as long as they petition the court and get a court order. How does this protect a natural parent's anonymity?

    

*No one has ever been able to bring forth a relinquishment document that promises anonymity. Even the greatest opponents of open records, such as the National Council For Adoption, has ever been unable to produce such a document.

*In some states with sealed records, it is the prerogative of the adoptive parents or the adoptee (if old enough to state a desire) as to whether or not the original birth certificate is sealed. The natural parents have no say. How does this protect a natural parent's anonymity?

Hence, there is no guarantee of anonymity or confidentiality, nor can such be promised under the law as written. Oddly enough, however, I have met natural parents who asked if and when they could contact their relinquished children. They were told that upon reaching 18 years of age, the adopted person could retrieve his or her original birth certificate containing the natural parents' names. Upon reuniting many years later, these natural parents were surprised to find that what they were told didn't pan out because no one had told them that the records were retroactively sealed, despite the information they were given.

Although this is not truly an issue about reunion, the topic always brings with it discussion of reunion. Therefore, I shall briefly cover this issue. Reunions happen all the time under sealed records laws. Several states that allow all adopted adults to obtain their original birth records also have contact preference forms. This is a form that natural parents can fill out stating whether or not they wish to be contacted. The preference can be changed at any time. It is filed with the original birth certificate. A copy of it is given to the adopted person if and when s/he obtains the original birth certificate. Because the adopted person knows right away that the natural parent does not want to be contacted, this greatly, greatly decreases the risk of unwanted contact. In states that do not grant access, natural parents and adopted people will continue to find one another, but there will be no information available as to the preference for contact. Like other citizens, adopted persons and natural parents are capable of handling their own relationships, without state interference. They do not need others speaking for them or deciding what is best for them as though they were children incapable of doing so themselves. This is an infringement of the free association enjoyed by other citizens in our society.

Sealed records are also an infringement of an adopted citizens' right to privacy under the Constitution. The right to privacy in the Constitution refers to privacy from govern

Answer 8

I agree with you.  People are entitled to their own opinions though.  Even if they are a little nutty.  The adoption section upsets me so much that I've learned to steer clear of there.  Too much drama, drama, drama.  I get tired of the argument about what people involved with adoption should be referred as.  Some think "birth mother" is offensive or something like that.  I don't know.  Its all crazy if you ask me.  Adoption is a wonderful thing, its as simple as that.  All the other stuff is just personal choices/opinions.

**It sometimes seems like all the people with negative adoption experiences are the ones you hear from the most.  I've been surrounded by adoption and foster care my entire life.  Although its far from perfect, I've had nothing but positive experiences.

Answer 9

"How can anyone think that adoption is wrong?"

Easy.

When my mother tries to talk to me in Mandarin through the microphone, I think it's wrong that things had to be this way. When my mother tried to "replace" my absence by giving birth to my sister, it conveyed the message that children can be substituted - that's also wrong.

When I was taken away from my parents, my culture and my language, that was ethically wrong as well.

Would YOU give up your own flesh-and-blood child to strangers?

Because I'm pretty sure the next door neighbours wouldn't want to do that. Nor would the mother across the street with her two adolescent boys. Neither would my mom's friend who had two children "of her own."

Everyone seems to think adoption is so wonderful - until you ask them, "Well, why don't you do it, then? Why don't you give up YOUR child?"

Answer 10

As an adoptee, I have earned the right to hate adoption, I earned it with my life.

Answer 11

Honestly, you're assuming that every adoptive parent that comes along is going to be loving and wonderful, when that's not necessarily true. They're not perfect, they're like every other parent, and some are better than others. And please, don't equate "opportunity to succeed" with financial status. What an insult. I come from a humble - adoptive - family, every penny in my house got stretched as far as it would go, and I got a scholarship to one of the best schools in the country.

My first parents didn't CHOOSE anything. They died. I don't know if they would have raised me better than my now-parents did, but honestly, I don't appreciate YOU telling me they wouldn't have. It's beyond arrogant, not to mention unnecessary and out of place.

By the way - you should STFU about the foster care system. CLEARLY you have no f*cking idea what you're talking about. There are over 100,000 children that need homes in the US, why the h**l would parents choose NOT to adopt from their OWN countries? So they can take a child from another country, one that more likely than not is going to end up feeling misplaced in the future?

Give me a break. The selfish ones are the ones who pay $15,000+ to get a blank-slate baby from another country because they're so cute awww and they don't want to deal with children from foster care, who might (gasp!) have emotional issues. It sort of makes me wonder how they react when their children grow up and aren't perfect and do have issues and do get angry.

Answer 12

Adoption is a very complex issue with a lot of emotions.  It's simplistic to say that it is either "all good" or "all bad".  The decision to adopt and the decision on which avenue of adoption to pursue is a completely personal one.  The purpose of adoption is to provide a home for a child who needs one and as long as that is done, I don't care if the child was adopted through foster care, international adoption or domestic infant adoption.  

As a side note, most orphanages in Africa do not have running water.  

Answer 13

i don't think adoption is wrong.  I think it depends totally on the needs of the child.

If the natural parent is really able to take them out of foster care that is probably best.  Otherwise they are very lucky to be adopted in my opinion.

Answer 14

Actually, my real parents could have taken care of me just as well as my adoptive parents.

They got married 6 months after I was born and went on to have my full brother.

The only problem was the fact that they weren't married BEFORE I was born...were you around back in the early 70's?  Single parenthood was not as widely accepted as it is today.  

Have you ever lost your mother?  Have you lost a family, a culture, been shipped off to live with strangers?  

Have you stopped to realize that for ANY child to become adopted, he or she must first LOSE their families.  Do you think that is an easy thing for any child?  Do you think being adopted by a great white American family will make that loss go away?  Do you think a Wii can replace a mother's love?

You're d**n right I wish my real family had kept me.  Losing them was painful, it cut to the core, it is a hardship I have dealt with my entire life.  Getting a "new" family does not ever negate the fact that I LOST my real one.

The ONLY adoption I will ever support is foster-adoption.  Kids who have already been removed from their homes, whose parents' rights have already been terminated.  THESE are the kids who need it.  

As for international adoption, how about supporting programs to actually help them STAY in their own countries?  To help their parents KEEP their children instead of having to choose between their babies and food?  

Why should a parent be forced to abandon her baby in this day and age?  Why aren't we, the most powerful country in the world, doing more to help these impoverished countries, so that these women do not have to abandon their babies in the FIRST PLACE?

Ever think of that?  Do you think all kids want to be dragged half way around the planet, to an entirely new culture, where people look different, sound different, the customs are different, the food is different, where NOTHING is familiar, and they are forced to assimilate?  Do you think it is FUN for these kids?  

Have you ever talked to grown International Adoptees?  Do you know how they feel about losing their culture?  Their language?  Not being able to communicate, or have any hope in finding their families because of the distance and language barrier?

I suppose not, because all you see are the rainbows and butterflies, the happy smappy adotpers getting their dream baby.

THINK a little more about the CHILD and the child's RIGHTS, and how they are TRAMPLED in adoption.

I won't even START on sealed records, maybe someone else will clue you in on that.

Answer 15

I know. I soo don't understand some people. My brother is a foster child and if you ask me, foster homes are criticized way too much. Yes, there are bad foster parents. But not all of them. I think that foster-adoption needs to be fixed. Kicking your child out once they turn 18 isn't exactly the best birthday present in the world.

Oversees adoption is a beautiful thing, and I applaud anyone who's done it. For example: China. They are only allowed to have one children. So say they have two children? What happens to the other one? People from other countries should be allowed to adopt kids from around the world. The only thing wrong with it is the fact that not all people that adopt oversees have good intentions.

Adoption is a complicated matter, and people are entitled to their own opinions. But i'm pretty happy that it's available in the world we live in.

Answer 16

Isn't it interesting how so many adopters luuuurve them some adoption and yet, there are all these adoptees who say they hate being adopted?

What's up with that?

There seems to be a definite disconnect here.

But who cares what some silly old adoptees think anyway right.  We obviously don't know that adoption was supposed to make our lives better.

We must have missed that memo.

Or we all must just really be angry.

Or maybe there's more to adoption that what they show us on t.v.

And the mention of those orphans in China and India, you know most of them are not orphans, right?

See there's this silly one child law in China...

So what's better, trying to help them retain their culture and homeland and language or taking them away from everything they know and buying them a stuffed animal panda as a consolation prize?

And what about all those American adopters who DO adopt from those countries only to find they now have a child with severe attachment disorders from being housed in institutions since birth.  What exactly does one do with a kid like that?

Well these days, many adopters are trying to return those kids.  See, adoption isn't what they saw on t.v.  It's a little darker than that sometimes especially when your little adoptling won't hug you or look you in the eye and keeps trying to kill the dog.

Do you think they think adoption is wonderful?

Yes.  Yes.  Adoption is great until you're living it.

Answer 17

"The children in the orphanages are in conditions that are WAY better than you will ever find in places like India and China"

i think thats pretty much a slap in the face for foster kids.

Answer 18

As an adult who was adopted 55 years ago, I feel I have earned the right to say that adoption sucks.  In addition to my own personal experience, I have both run and participated in adult adoptee message boards since 2001.  I have heard from literally thousands of adult adoptees and hundreds, probably thousands of natural moms.  It's Official:  Adoption sucks.

Oh... of course if you ask adopters you will hear a different tune.  But then, adoption is supposed to be for the adoptee - not the adoptive parent(s).  Maybe someone could remind the adoption industry, please?

Answer 19

Child Protective Services in the United States destroys innocent families with lies and hearsay and puts them in foster care to collect federal $$$$ and adopts them out to collect federal $$$$$$.

Check it out.

http://www.topix.com/forum/state/il/T52N...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3dOdi8DtW...

www.kidjacked.com

http://fightcps.com/2008/01/01/fightcps-...

http://www.connecticutdcfwatch.com/8x11....

The more I read about governments abducting children from families the more I am totally convinced that Illinois DCF$ is an evil more sinister than communism or criminal street gangs.

All real Americans who love the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution of the United States will resist DCF$ and work to destroy DCF$.

Men and women in the armed forces risk their lives every day to give us the freedom to raise our families in peace, protected by by the laws, not attacked by the laws.

Illinois DCF$ pissed in the blood shed by our soldiers and craps on their sacrifice.

Illinois DCF$ IS GOVERNMENT AT WAR WITH FAMILIES.

http://prairieguy.wordpress.com/2007/09/...

http://www.senatornancyschaefer.com/arti...

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/AFRA_TalkL...

http://www.rescuemykids.com/

http://reliableanswers.com/annette/favor...

Illinois DCF$ is a corrupt, incompetent, renegade bureaucracy with a communist philosophy that uses Gestapo tactics under a veil of secrecy to operate above the law and outside the moral norms of society to harm children and destroy innocent families.

The last thing we need is more government psycho-psychiatrists, psycho-psychologists, psycho-therapists, psycho-counselors and psycho-caseworkers who would be out of work were it not for Illinois abducting children based on HEARSAY AND LIES, and HOLDING THESE CHILDREN HOSTAGE until the parents consent to be treated like laboratory rats undergoing psychological experimentation based on JUNK SCIENCE and VOODOO PSYCHOLOGY.

The state has granted the worst kind of people power far in excess of their intellectual capacity and moral integrity, and has created a bureaucracy that attracts the worse kind of sick sadists who perpetrate a fraud on the juvenile courts of Illinois with their lies and misrepresentation of families and conspire to defraud the federal government by holding children in foster care far beyond any reasonable need.

Illinois DCF$ is Government at war with families.

We need laws with teeth to put any DCFS agent, enabler, cooperator or collaborator in PRISON for any abuse of power especially the seizure of children whose life is not in danger.

The HARM child protective services does to children with its wacko procedures and policies is well documented by intelligent researchers, but the political hacks and child traffickers are not going to give up all those $$$$$$$$$$ just because they are harming children.

Don't think the lazy, stupid caseworkers do anything in the best interests of the child. All they care about is their own comfort and convenience and all their falsified reports to make them look like heroes.

DCF$ makes me want to vomit.

The only thing I want to hear out of McKewen's mouth is how sorry he is for all the harm this agency has done, and apologize to all the innocent parents and children that they have victimized.

I want all those DCFS attorneys fired and DCFS to GET OUT OF DENIAL about what a bunch of lying rabid weasels they are and CONFESS and PROVIDE a forum to all the parents they have wrongly accused.

We need to investigate how CASA acts as a propaganda arm for foster care profiteers, and how they deliberately collaborate to destroy families. We need to have their secret reports professionally audited by someone completely independent and compensated by how many CASE volunteers they send to prison for LYING AND HARMING CHILDREN.

I curse DCF$- MAY GOD d**n DCF$ TO H3 LL.  

Answer 20

i was adopted from foster care! i consider u just slapped me in the face! So, by your question u are saying i don't deserve to be adopted? I;m not aganist adoption, i think better reforms are needed because adoption agencies take advantage of adoptive parents and birth parents. Especially international adoption, the cost is so high! i mean people shouldn't have to pay such huge fees. but anyway back to your question... ALL kids deserve to be raised in a loving home, either it be biological or adoptive.

Answer 21

I agree with Vegetarian Chick. I think you just slapped the US foster care system in the face.  Have you been in foster care?  I have for almost my entire childhood.  It is not wonderful and some foster homes can be as bad or worse than foreign orphanges, because sexual abuse and physical abuse occur routinely..  Additionally, the average foster parent receives $10-$20 a day to care for the child.  If the parents don't add their own money, the child gets ****.

I do not think it is a fair comparison to compare other countries who might be 3rd world countries who have less money to the US.  It is just not possible.  Living standards are different.  

What you expect as a living standard in the US is very different than what people living in India/China/Africa/ etc expect.  It is not unheard of NOT to have running water in a "normal house" in Africa.  So, it would not be uncommon in an orphange.

Besides that...the truth is that ALL FOSTER and ORPHAN situations are horrendus, no matter what country.  

And ALL those children deserve loving caring families.

Answer 22

I agree with everything you said.  People just don't understand how we feel.  Just because they had bad adoptive parents doesn't mean that everyone will have bad adoptive parents.  

I know of someone who has 3 children of his own and then he and his wife adopted 3 kids from China.  That is one huge but very HAPPY family.  

So adoptive people out there...it IS possible to be adopted into a nice loving family.  You unfortunately didn't have a loving family and for that we are sorry, but just because you had a bad experience doesn't mean that everyone else will.

Answer 23

People who think adoption is wrong are heartless and stupid.

Answer 24

The "adoption haters" you talk about may be doing other adoptees a disservice by characterizing their life as ruined because of adoption.  I suspect that for some, adoption may seem like the reason for their unhappy or confused or unfulfilled life, but in actuality, it may not be.  Some people just choose to point to their something -- adoption, their health, their parents, their race, their s*x, their looks, their intellect, their height, etc., as the reason for all their ills. But in fact it is not usually the case.  Our attitude has more bearing on the satisfaction we have with our lives than anything.  That's not to say that some of us don't have many more challenges than others.  But the happiest among us are fulfilled because we choose to be.  We accept the things we cannot change, change the things we can, and learn to know the difference.  

Answer 25

So, if I understand you, you think it's a good thing that children lose their parents, their family, their heritage, and their identity?  

How nice for you.  Do you celebrate murder and abuse, too?