Adoption.. I have noticed this on this Y/A answer section. Why?

Question

I have noticed that when someone asks a question for example. "Have you ever felt discriminated against for being adopted?" ( this was posted 1st) This was an experince posted by an adoptee. There was nothing mean about the question. Then I see another question posted "For Adoptive Parents Only: Have you ever felt discriminated against for adopting your child(ren)?" (this was posted 2nd) Do people do this to mock the experinces of adoptees? I believe that there is two sides of every story and mocking someone that had a bad experince is not nice. I mean the 1st question was not being mean. Anyway thoughts??? Please be respectful!

thanks

Answer 1

For me personally one question evokes another.  Sometimes i read something and then i think of the other side of it then ask that question. It is not to mock but just covering the bases

Take for example a few months ago i asked a question about did you ever feel cheated if you had older parents like i do.  Then a few moments later someone asked do you feel cheated if you were born to a teen parent.  Two sides of the same coin.  The second question was not mean it even comented on my question as the inspriation. The person asking was a teen mom and my question evoked thought about her situation.

Answer 2

Yeah - I'm confused by this behavior also.

Perhaps it's like those bully's at school - that put down the weak - to make themselves appear more powerful - to make them appear more 'right'.

Karma will get them - I'm sure!

It makes me sad for other adoptees. Especially when their parents can't even grasp the enormity of what an adoptee has to go through in life.

Perhaps it's all about helping them sleep better at night.

Sad really.

Answer 3

I doubt think it was meant mockingly, no.  Perhaps the first question just made someone really think and that prompted the second question.  The asker of the first question should be proud that they posted such a thought provoking question.  Happy Holidays!

Answer 4

I don't believe that the mocking is done against adoptees in particular.  I think the mocking here happens to everyone.  I had the same thing happen to me when I asked a question to adoptive parents about whether or not they considered their adoption a miracle.  The very next posted question was the same thing but addressed to adoptees.  I had posted my question to try to get a better understanding for the nasty emails I was receiving about using "miracle" and adoption in the same sentence and wanted another opinion from adoptive parents.  I believe someone took my question and felt that it would not portray the entire side of things and reposted it for "adoptees only" so that they could express their point of view also.  Because things like this happen all the time in this group, I think people have now just decided to be on the "offensive" all the time and try to get both sides of the story out there, rather than using Y!A for what it was meant for - a question & answer section - not a place to try and declare your stance on adoption.  Sides are being taken here and if you look at a lot of the questions, questions are posted many times just to try and express a viewpoint.  It's sad that this category has become a political soapbox rather than a true question & answer category for people looking for info on adoption.

Thank you for caring!

EDIT:  For clarification, my original question was posed only to adoptive parents not because I was trying to disregard adoptees' feelings.  Rather, I was trying to get a viewpoint from an adoptive parents' stand as to how they felt.  I had received feedback personally from adoptees asking me to "rethink" my views, and in fairness, I was asking for feedback from the adoptive parents also.  I just don't want anyone thinking that I was blatantly disregarding adoptees - that was not the case.

Answer 5

I thought that the person or people who asked those questions was trying to let the forum do their homework.

Answer 6

t*t for tat. I guess people want their 'side' heard.

The APs want their opinions known, as if theirs isn't already the politically correct view anyway...it never seems to be enough.  They're desperate to have their motivations be proven 'miracles'.  

I think they're so naive.

It's like this--you're going to Italy as an tourist; you're offered guidance by an American who's daughter lived there for 7 years or someone who was born in Italy 45 years ago, and has always lived there...

Who would give a more accurate tour?

Answer 7

Dear Healing=Hello=Lilalu (whomever you are passing yourself off as now), I hab too...me wandah why dat iz? Poowah, widdle us. People be nod nise to me an mean, tooooo. me kwhy,  lak u.

I said nothing to or about Isabel, although I take it she's a L*****n and that's just not my cup of tea, thank you.

I know that adoptive & foster parents along with happy adopted people are being discriminated against in here.

I've had this happen to me many times and I haven't whined and complained. Why shouldn't adoptive & foster (sorry, didn't mean to leave you out) parents have the right to answer the same sort of question? I feel like all sides ought to be given a chance to voice their opinions. Anyhow, you guys have your own site elsewhere besides here. Now, what, the rest of us are not allowed to ask questions in here now? That's pretty one sided, imo.

Everyone who got voted down, your answers are awesome and I have gladly given you my thumbs up.

Kit-E-Kat: I'm sorry and please feel free to answer my questions anytime. Of course you have a voice on this forum, as anywhere else.

Andrayno, you probably blew chow because of your bulimia or else you ate the take out that expired over a month ago! Better read those labels and dates. I guess that's the difference between an unfit and fit mother!

Answer 8

Some people can NOT accept that anyone else has an opinion on anything. If you asked a question geared towards an area she is not part of or partial to then she has to "one up" you and ask the same question. Only in her question she has to gear it towards only what she knows. I guess we all do this to some extent, I mean I'm not here asking how to obtain a child or what adoption route is fastest and easiest. I am here to have my own questions answered and answer other people's questions that I have knowledge about. But I hear you on the snarky tone used in the questions you are talking about. It is almost as if some people have to constantly defend, dramatize and push their personal choices and have no desire to learn from or show empathy towards others .

My issues isn't in what questions are asked but in the abusive and hostile way a select few choose to answer them. Often answering questions that they have ZERO knowledge about...

Did I mention that I had noodles for dinner, well Payton did, for some reason the very thought of eating such a vile food made me throw up in my mouth a little.

Answer 9

I usually don't answer those types of questions and I don't think it's mocking.

This category is for all aspects of adoption. Not just the point of view of the adoptee. So it seems to be a tactic done by all sides of adoption to get their own point of view or experience across.

Answer 10

What profoundly amazes me is that they're are mad that we as adoptees aren't happy. they just see us as ungreatful but they never truely take the time to try to figure out why. there can't be that many unhappy people for no reason. i guess they have forgotten that these HAPPY kids grow up. darn what are they gonna do now?

Answer 11

I won't speak for anyone else, and since I haven't done this, I can't be certain why someone has done it...  But here's why I've been tempted...

Coming to the adoption section, I see people presenting adoption as a wonderful, unproblematic event.  As though nothing awful has preceded the event.  As though no one every experiences anything negative about adoption.  This is the message I have seen in society my entire life.  No one has ever talked about adoption having a negative side. The positive side is all over.  It is THE ONE AND ONLY message about adoption in society.  The positive side of adoption is well-known (and, in my opinion, overblown).

On this site, where people are coming to find out about adoption, to have only that side represented is frustrating for adoptees.  Some people, though, don't want to hear any negatives about adoption.  How many people on this site have been called anti-adoption?  Ten?  Twenty?  More?  How many of those people are anti-adoption?  Maybe one?  So why are so many people called anti-adoption?  Because we've said something negative about adoption.  

Adoptees are minimized.  When we are children, we are the fulfilled wish of some couple who MUST have a child in order to be complete.  When we are older, if we are not spokespersons for how wonderful adoption is, we are disloyal to our parents, we are ungrateful, and we are anti-adoption.  (We have also become, apparently, national socialists, but I don't understand that one at all.)

Even the other example mentioned in this thread is misleading.  The thread that was started on Adoption as Miracle excluded adoptees and their viewpoints.  By its very nature it minimizes our experiences, even while everyone still defends adoption as "for the children."  

We ARE those children, "all growed-up."  We ARE adoption.  But our voices are minimized and ignored.  Unless we are willing to say how rosy adoption is.  We are told we are bad, hateful, hurtful, mean, etc. if we don't toe the line.  

I have dealt with my voice being silenced for thirty-six years.  And then I come here, where adoption is the topic, where I would hope people are really interested in adoption, and I'm told my voice doesn't matter.  

Do I feel for adoptive parents and first families?  Yes, of course.  I have both in my life and love them dearly.  Do I know that (at least some) adoptive parents and first families try to do their best?  Yes, because mine did try.

Do I need to be reminded of that over and over again as I'm told that I should be grateful and keep my "pathological anger" to myself?  No.  In part because I'm not angry about adoption.  I'm angry about how adoptees continue to be ignored and marginalized by people who praise adoption itself.  But none of that explains the complexity I feel about adoption.

I don't come on this site to attack people.  I come on this site because I think my voice is underrepresented in society as a whole, and in talking about adoption issues in particular.  I think the voice of adoptees is the most important voice in discussing about adoption.  And I won't apologize for that view.

Answer 12

Don't worry about it Healing.  Someone is just mad because my avatar is so pretty.  Who can blame anyone for being jealous really.  I'm gorgeous!

And anyway, imitation is a form of flattery.

I think someone has a crush on me!

Answer 13

I haven't read either question to be honest (I don't come on this forum very much), but to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, perhaps they are looking at the same issue from a different point of view, and are wondering about the same question from their own position.

An adopted person and an adoptive parent represent two very different angles of adoption, and perhaps the question strikes a chord with them, and makes them wonder if they've also experienced the same problem in a slightly different way?

I really don't know, I'm actually a foster parent, but there's no 'Fostering' category on here, lol, so I'm sort of stuck in the middle!

Take care and Merry Christmas :=)

Answer 14

I personally have not read either of these posts and my answer comes from your question and my opinions of race.

That being said lets get to my answer.

Question #1,  and adopted child feels discriminated against?  By whom?  The adopted parents? Himself/Herself?  I can understand a child when for the first time finding out that they are adpoted can feel a sense of being lost, a "who am I" type of feeling.  Are they going to be discriminated against because they are adopted? NO NO NO,  they might feel lost, when they tell their friends or classmates they might get teased or picked on but not discriminated against.  There will not be an all of the sudden case of " you are adopted so you cannot use this drinking fountain" senario running around.

Now for the Parents Question #2:  If you are a couple and you adopt a child of a different race, i.e. White couple with a black child or a Black couple with a white child, you need to come to the realization that people are going to stare.  You are asking for it.  Now a days discimination is all but gone,  the only people I see playing the race card (and yes I know I am going to get hate mail for this, so I say bring it on) are Black Men and Women who aren't getting their way for one reason or anothe and then they immdiately without thinking twice play the "I am only being treated this way because I am Black" excuse.  I by no means am saying that ALL Black People act this way,  do not confuse this that way.  There are however the ignorant people in every race that want to blame their misfortunes and problems on everyone and everything else, and not own up to them causing their own problems, and YES RACE is the first thing they turn to.  Why?  I have no idea but it makes me just want to knock them around and say I am hitting you because you are acting like an idiot not because you are black.

Answer 15

Sometimes the back-and-forth questions are obviously a "slap back."  Sometimes I think they may be a case of one person's thinking having sparked another person's thinking with no malice involved.

In the case you mention I couldn't judge, as I can't view the second question....