Adoption IS more than black and white?

Question

Why can't we look at adoption as something that IS very complex, instead of something that is "wonderful" and "beautiful", while forgetting that there is a very real loss involved for the people at the center of it all?

In order for a child to become adoptable, that child has to lose his parents, his family, sometimes his entire culture and heritage. Why do so many people overlook or just plain ignore the very real losses that adopted children have to go through in order to complete somebody else's family?

Answer 1

I think many who are regulars on this forum would be surprised.....no....SHOCKED....when I say that I do understand the sense of loss and the INTENSE need to know and the questions that adoptees have regarding your biological parents.  

When my daughter got older and started to understand adoption on a deeper level, she wanted to know: Who do I look like, What does SHE look like, Does she have curly hair, Do I walk like her, talk like her, where did my vivid imagination from and was she a drama queen like me, etc.  Her desire deepened during her junior high years when kids are typically trying to figure out who they are and the kind of person they want to be.  It was particularly difficult for her when we went to family reunions and she was the only hispanic person in our family.  Our family, of course, love and accept her as part of the family like every other member but SHE FELT different.  She's since figured out "who she is" now and is comfortable as a valuable member of our (extended, too) family but she still would like to know--just not as intensely as before.  

I have many happy memories of her son's (my grandson's) birth, but two stand out.  The first, was holding her son in her arms for the first time, with tears in her eyes, saying to me, "Now, I understand unconditional love--why you loved me no matter what".  The other memory was later when she was moved to a room and again, holding our precious boy, said, "Now, I know someone who is biologically related to me."  Both made me happy and proud because it brought HER so much JOY.  It just so happens that my grandson looks like his daddy but has the spittin' image of his mother's personality.

I am not against adoptees, as some may think.  One of my most loved persons in the world, someone for whom I have enough love to overflow the oceans, was adopted.  

That being said,as you know, I also have strong feelings of birthparents rights.  And of course, as an adoptive parent, I understand the issures that adoptive parents experience, too.

Adoption is a very complex issue and everyone experiences it differently.  One adoptee experiences it differently than another, birthparents experience it differently, and so do adoptive parents.  If there were 100 adoptive stories in the room, there would be 100 different stories.

Love to ALL,

School Nurse

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Answer 2

Addressed to lilpurple: I don't believe you. I do not believe the ONLY reason you did not give your child up is because you did not want the knock on the door. I'm having a hard time visualizing any parent saying " Ahh c**p if she's just going to come knocking on my door 20 years from now anyway, I might as well keep her"

You need to stay here in Y/A and get in touch with your true feelings. You love your daughter, admit it. Your feeling guilty and selfish because someone told you you were being selfish and should feel guilty. So what if she didn't get a pony or a shinny new bike. You saved her from some real heart ache and yourself too. You will never know how much, but if you stick around here you will start to get a good idea.

THAT BEING SAID: I still stand by my decision 35 years ago. My daughter got a good home, and adoption for the right reasons, what is best for the child, can be a good thing. It is complicated, painful for everyone involved, (that includes AP's) and has a long way to go before it is even remotely close to perfection.

Why do people ignore the loss involved? Because they were told babies don't remember, and bio parents move on having the faintest memory of that ever happening.  It makes it easier to relinquish that way, and society as a whole thinks everything is good and proper and as it should be. Thus Black and White. No muss, no fuss.

Answer 3

I am sorry you feel that way.  Maybe because so many people want to feel so imposed upon, it would have been better for the mom to have had an abortion?

I am not saying this to be mean, but when I was a pregnant teen the whole reason I did not give my child up for adoption was the whole "right" to hunt me down after I had given up a child and got on with my life.

Answer 4

Adoption is GOOD For Orphans and Those children in Danger

And that is ALL that its good for.

It is not good for birth control !

In this day and age people shouldnt be having unwanted pregnancies *Clears throat* which are CHILDREN (when not aborted) with the amount of birth control and education out there.

In this day and age its all about the ME ME ME Generation and I want it NOW so im gonna have s*x without a condom its not going to happen to me and then BOOHOO Im pregnant ..oh c**p cant abort it , I know I'll adopt it plenty of infertile couples out there hanging for someone like me to give them a baby...

AND Plenty of misfits out there who dont know how to raise a child taking on adoptions too and turning that childs life into a tragedy.

I was adopted I was lucky I got the BEST parents, but others were not so lucky..

But even though I did get the BEST parents I am very sad because I missed out on a HUMONGOUS family of all people that look, talk and act like me..

You have no idea what its like to look at someone who looks like you when you've been living with people who are nothing like you for 20 30 40 odd years ........

People take their Hereditary for granted. People take their Genes for Granted , people take their looking like the rest of the family for granted and until you have experienced that loss you will never understand .

Said to all those people who think adoption is the bees knees !!!!

Answer 5

Lillie- I agree that not all adoptions are wonderful. But I can tell you not all biological families are either- my husband was raised by his biological family , and there are scars that have stayed with him- and he is in his 50's.

Ok, I am adopted and have 2 adopted children, which by now you already know so I am speaking for myself;

1- I don't feel that I lost my parents, I gained parents through adoption

2- I have a family now=

3- I have never felt that I gave up anything so that I could complete someone else's family- I feel that my adopted family is the family that God intended for me.

That said, I am very sorry if you and others have not had a good adoption experience, but why is that those of us who have, are discriminated against?

WOW, not even a minute and I already got a thumbs down- I would never give thumbs down to someone, just because they do not agree with me-  that is proof we are discriminated against.

Answer 6

The loss is bad, but the adoption is good...  that's the difference.  Since adoption happens AFTER the loss, they're not technically the same thing.  Once a child is surrendered, reliquished, put up (whatever you call it) then what would happen to the child if it was NOT adopted?  Would it just be left out to die of exposure?  

Adoption is a good thing...  it's unfortunate that not all children are conceived by parents who are ready and willing to take care of them, but that conception happens long before adoption takes place.  It's the conception out of time and place that causes the loss - adoption is a gift.

Answer 7

You are right but I think you are misunderstanding the point. There absolutely is a very real loss at the center of it all. In an ideal world, no one would have to experience this kind of loss. The reason why adoption is definitely a good and beautiful and wonderful thing is clear if you look at it from the vulnerable child's point of view. The child does not have a choice and is not being asked whether he wants to lose his family or give up his culture. He in many cases is having his life saved by the laws of the country or by the society that is trying to protect him from a life on the streets or a life of abuse or neglect or starvation. I would love it if everyone who gives birth to a baby could afford to raise the baby -- feed the child, cloth the child, have time to care for the child. In China, babies are left to die in the woods because families see no alternative. These babies (the ones who don't die) sometimes end up in orphanages and thenin American families. Most of the families do not end up with these babies because they are tryiing to save them -- they end up with them because they are available and the families want a baby to raise. This is a win/win situation considering the alternatives involve possible death for the child and a childless family for the woman who can't get pregnant. Ideally, the child should stay in China with her/his birth family and be fed and nurtured and immersed in Chinese culture. And, ideally, the childless couple should conceive and give birth to a healthy baby. But it doesn't work that way!! Adoptions were created to serve the baby in need and the parents who want desperately to fill the need in themselves to become parents. Adopted children do not go through the loss they do go through in order to complete somebody elses family. They go through that loss in order to stay alive!! And their adoptive family is willing to create a family in this way to enxure that they themselves have a family. It works out pretty d**n well especially when both parties are clear and honest with each other and themselves. I think children who are adopted need to be able to experience the loss they have endured -- but, they did not endure the loss in order that somebody else could complete a family!! Please try and understand.

Answer 8

Hi lillie, I am sure i answerd a question similar to this before, but I dont mind doing it again!

I know by fact, that everyone has had a different adoption, and not everyone feels loss. I personally have never felt loss, and some adoptees that I have helped havnt either. I am not saying that everyone feels like that though. I have also supported adoptees who have been negatively effected by their adoption too.

I think its right to say that everyone is individual and has their own opinons on the subject.

I think its wrong to assume that every adoptee feels a loss aswell.

Adoption IS definatly a complex thing and is never black and white. Its would make things alot easier if it was, but thats not the case.

thanks for the question

Answer 9

As a rule of thumb, zealots with an agenda tend to "overlook or just plain ignore" a lot of things that would otherwise make (what they see as) a black and white issue more gray.  The older and wiser I get, the more I see that most things in this world have some shade of gray to them.

Answer 10

Did you consider what would happen to the child if the birth mother kept it but didnt do a good job of it? Maybe the child would be abused or neglected? Maybe it would be killed when the Mother could not control herself or her boyfriend got mad at the child.

Sometimes adoption is the only answer.

Is adoption perfect? NO -  in a perfect world every child would be wanted and cared for.

Answer 11

Because they child won't realize its lost these things. Someday it might, but if the child had a good life, that should outweight some of the loss. I'd rather be adopted out of my culture than be raised unwanted, unloved, underfed, or ignored. You also don't take into account that there are adoptive families out there that put effort into introducting the child to its culture. Overall, adoption is a good thing because the adoptive parents WANT to be parents. You can't always say that about the bio parents.

Answer 12

I think most people on this site (with the exception of a few who intentionally stir things up) recognize that adoption is very complex.  We all view the subject from the vantage point of our own experiences and feelings.  Most people seem to see this and are open to trying to understand views that may not be comfortable.  There are many conversations that go on outside of the website (e-mail) where individuals try and understand the complexities of each other's views.

The problem seems to be when people try to categorize others as "happy"  or "mad"  or "pro" or "anti".  All of us react strongly to having our feelings and experiences simplified into a convenient catagory.  When you are labeled it makes you feel like your viewpoint is dismissed. It is also frustrating when some try and speak for "all" adoptees rather than just for themselves.  

I think most people respect the fact that adoption presents an ongoing source of loss for some people.  But, those of us who do not feel this get frustrated by being labeled in black and white ways.   Why is  viewing  adoption as a "healthy" thing in my life any less valid than viewing it as a loss?  To say that I am grateful to be adopted does not mean that my feelings are not complex or that being adopted has not greatly impacted my life.  I feel that, for me, what I gained from adoption far outweighs what I lost.   That does not mean that I can't understand how other people respond differently to adoption than I do.

I respect that, for many, adoption presents a profound and ongoing sense of loss.   But by the same token, I would hope that my experiences are not invalidated, or simplified merely  because I have had different experiences.

Answer 13

It's human nature to want things to be easy and comfortable.  Most people don't want to think--then they might feel guilty or lazy for not doing anything about what they now know and can't ignore.

That's why so many happy adoptees and adoptive parents flee this site and others where thinking adoptees speak out loud.  They don't want those revelations getting embedded in their brains.

Can you imagine someone saying real estate foreclosure is 'beautiful' or 'wonderful'?  Of course not.  A family losing a house is a tragedy, losing a child is a 'miracle'.

Answer 14

As an adopted child, I can say, yes I wish that I would have known more about my biological family in school, but on the other hand, my mother was an alcoholic and my father couldn't take care of 6 children by himself. My adoptive mother did and will do anything for me and she raised me well. I am very proud of her and love her with all of my heart, she really is the best thing to ever happen to me, and if i would have stayed with my biological parents, I would not have been treated well and it just so happens they both died when I was 16, so that wouldn't have turned out well either way.