Adoption - Is it OK to have previous family members involved?

Question

If you were to adopt a child from your local area and the current grandparents want to be involved, is it a good idea. Why or why not, and what types of issues do the adopting parents need to be concerned about? Does there need to be a clause in visitation that the dates should be agreeable to the adoptive parents or should just a schedule be made out? Legally, what legal rights do biological grandparents have (We live in North Carolina). Not looking for criticism, just good advice. Thank You.

Answer 1

Most importantly, it is what is best for the child.  I personally don't think it is fair to keep someone who wants to love the child away.  Why not have 3 sets of grandparents?  It happens all the time with divorces and remarriages.  

The couple that adopted my son have welcomed my parents into his life with open arms.  I know it is different for everyone.  But it hasn't caused a problem in my family.

Answer 2

This isn't uncommon at all.

Many families adopting children from the foster care system understand that often there were loving family members that were not able to provide for a relative's child. Sometimes they may have even tried to step-up, but due to one reason or another are not able to keep a family member.

This is often the grandparents--and in some cases an aunt and uncle or great aunt and uncle...  These families in many cases have been living with the circumstances the caused the baby or child to be in a situation of needing foster care. They have in most cases loved the child's parent(s) and been around long before the baby or child entered the picture.

They had certain rights along the way to provide for the child. And in most cases they still have and always will have a relationship with the parent(s) of the child. In many cases these extended family members make the decision to lose a child--just for the best welfare of that child....

Imagine that...?  It is possibly one of the most horrible positions that family might ever have to face. I have known families that have had to allow a baby or child to leave the family--so they can have a better life. Many of these relatives would have rather Never had to face this situation--but, how do you protect a child from Your own child if you have been dealing with the Truth of why that child is in foster care for Lord only knows how long?

Not only do the extended family members suffer grief, shame and loss due to the situation with the member of their family--sometimes their own child---but, they deal with the loss knowing that the child is going to have a better life....WOW... not a place I would ever--ever want to be.

When a grandparent--aunt--uncle--or someone from the biological family that actually has the right to keep the child...stands there knowing that Adoption is the best chance for someone they love to have a good life--then that must be the most emotionally devasting moment in time.

As a part of some Foster Child adoption many adoptive parents enter "mediated agreements" with extended family members. When adoptive parents have been trained well--it is also understood and known that our adopted children do very well with More Information rather than Less....

The fact is that a child cannot have too many loving adults in their lives...and adoptive parents wanting to insure their children feel safe to talk about their adoption feelings would also want the child to understand their biological roots...  

Face it--most kids don't sit down and make lists of how everyone is directly related to them until that are 11 or 12 and actually start understanding How this stuff all really works. In society today most kids have at least a few sets of grandparents...and even more due to divorce and remarriage of their grandparents--their parents and whatever else....

I did and it took me until the age of 12 before I realized that at our family Christmas Eve party my grandmothers first husband (mom's dad) was there with his second wife...and grandma's second husband and the father of my uncle who was younger then me--was there with his current wife...and Grandma was a divorced mom of my uncle who was younger then me....and I just called them all Grandpa This and Grandma That...until one day it all made sense to me....

I didn't care how all the old people were related to me.... I even had a grandfather and grandmother (grandma's second husband and his wife) who were NOT even related to me at all.... so what....I just knew there were lots of grandparents making my life sweet!

Kids don't care why people are realted or how until they decide to think about it. If an adopted child is constantly told we are going to have dinner with your "biological grandparents" ohhhhh--and then see you stress out--or act fake or make it hard for any reason...then It is going to be a big deal for the kids--and something they think about WHY?

As the parents--even as the adoptive parents---You get to decided who will have contact with your children. Most families that enter a mediated agreement with extended family members--sets the details of what this means. The adoptive parents can set things up to be in complete charge.

Many adoptive parents are happy to agree to Updates and pictures... They just get a PO Box and use that for communication. Some agree to email letters and photo's... Some agree to visits...and the visits can be defined. One family I know invites biological family to her son's Family Birthday party at Chuck-E-Cheese.... funny thing is that the boys she adopted came from different families so they have different biological relatives....

I know another family that is currently planning a huge vacation at Disneyland which will include Three different adoptive families of a total of 8 children born to the same biological mother.... in addition the Grandparents of all 8 children is attending!

It's all up to the parents.... We might decide our own family isn't good aroung our child--we may decide that someone has a bad attitude about adoption...or children adopted older....or children with special need....and we may have to cut our own mother off....

This is true if we decide to make as healthy of a life for a child we raise. The biological family members may or maynot create issues later...they may back out and stop even participating...they may become an important link for a child to their biological history--we should all be able to take pride in our roots... knowing people who are positive in a child's life can't ever hurt them.

Treating this as the true facts they are and making it just part of the child's life is far more positive then having the child imagine that their parents came from the same thing--therefore they are doomed to be bad parents as well.... giving our children a chance to know that NOT everyone in their history was pissy enough to lose thier child....could mean a lot to that child later....

The bottom line however is that once you have adopted a child you get to make the calls... If the relationship with relatives is positive it is positive for the child it only requires us to understand that eventually our children grow up--ask questions and during their 20's decide how many different ways we messed them up....  having a lot of family is never a bad thing....and knowing more about why you are adopted is helpful...leaves a lot of missing blanks less likely to be filled in with the wrong information....

It isn't just our right to make the best decisions for our child--but, it is our obligation to help them grow up without too much baggage and be ready to be sucessful instead of searching for answers as a young adult....

*

Answer 3

There is not much along the lines of grandparent's rights.   The parenting of a child is up to the parents (whether adoptive or birth).  There is no legal requirement of allowing the grandparents to be involved in the child's life.  It comes down to how comfortable you are with the parents knowing the whereabouts of their child.  Your best bet would be to set up a schedule through the agency you are working with to have supervised visitation by the grandparents.

Answer 4

It depends on the openness you feel comfortable with.  My personal opinion is that a child can never have too much love.  If the grandparents are a good influence and love on your child than you should make an effort to let them see the baby once or twice a year (or whatever you are comfortable with).  You can have them over to birthdays, etc.  Once an adoption is finalized, the rights are terminated completely on the biological end, so it is up to you as the adoptive parent to do what you believe is best for the child.  If the grandparents don't seem to be a good influence, you are under no obligation to them.  You may want to have this similar to a partially open adoption, where you meet with them at a non identifying place (such as a mall, etc.) with your social worker.  If things go well, you may allow an unchaperoned visit, but it's up to you.  If it were me I wouldn't let them know where I live unless I was very comfortable with it and I definitely wouldn't let them have the child alone.  I would have a picnic at the park in the summer or ice skating during Christmas or something, where they can see the child and there are no strings.  Also, you can set up an online blog with picts and updates so the birth parents/grand parents can keep updated in a way that's noninvasive.

Answer 5

In this day of open adoptions, whatever you feel comfortable with.  It would be nice if there was a way for contact to be available so biological family history could be maintained somewhat.  Especially if there are any health related issue that arise.  

Legally biologicial grandparents don't have many rights at all if any.  I have not had to deal with that issue.  

It could get complicated in biological mom has problems adjusting to not being mom to your child.   As long as everyone understands and they give you space to bond there shouldn't be problem.  

Everyone is diffrent and not knowing everyone involved it's hard to really give you a concrete answer other than follow your heart.

Answer 6

It is always best to have some level of open-ness in adoption, for the child's sake.  If the grandparents aren't harmful (abusive, etc.), then the child should have as much access to them as his adoptive grandparents.  Keep the child's safety in mind, of course, but adopting a child is kind of like marriage...you get a whole new extended family out of the deal.  :-)

Answer 7

You might want to add a paragraph to an open adoption that any persons who appear intoxicated, addicted, not capable of holding the child, or an endangerment to the baby for any reason will forever preclude them from seeing the child.

Answer 8

If it's agreeable to all sides, I would see nothing wrong with grandparents being involved in an open adoption.  I always recommend (And get thumbs down for it) that everything be laid out in black and white, with good boundaries exercised between all parties and all parties being very clear on what they are comfortable with and what they are not comfortable with.

Legally, there isn't much in the way of grandparent rights at all, but assuming that the grandparents are not toxic individuals and having contact would be harmful to the child, I see nothing wrong with it.

Answer 9

My adoptive parents lived in the same town where my biological grandparents lived.  This family adopted my brother and I.  I was 13 and my brother was 11.   They totally blocked my grandparents from seeing us, which really hurt the both of us. I resent my adoptive family for not letting them see us.   My brother had a great bond with my grandfather, pretty much the only male he ever bonded with, and after not being able to see our grandparents my brother seemed to develop more emotional problems.  I think if the grandparents are good grandparents they should have some type of visitation.  My grandparents were not trying to involve our biological mother, they just wanted to be grandparents to their only grandchildren.  But they did not have any legal rights, its pretty much the decision of the adoptive parents.

Answer 10

Legally grandparents have no rights adopted child or not (they did away with that law), and after adoption bio family's have no rights as they are not their familys in the eyes of the law anymore. However this has to be a decision made by you. When I was little my dad would take me down so that grams and gramps could see me but they had no contact. That wasn't because they were bad people it was because my bio father could not be trusted. Then in my high school years when I was more able to make decisions for myself I met them and formed a great relationship with them. So first thing you have to be concerned with is if the bio parent would be a threat if you allowed a relationship to exist. Then you have to consider the childs age and if it would be too confusing for the child. That was also part of my partents decision of whether contact could be made. At the time I met mine I was in high school, completly understood the adoption and why it had took place.  Also at that age I was more able to help myself if any problems would arise, such as him trying to kidnap me which he had tried to do on many occasions. He had also moved out of state when I finally met them.  If you do decide to let them have visitation rights then you must develop a schedule that you feel is fair. As far as the adoption itself you don't have to put any clause in there concerning this. Things change and so do the circumstances of who should be allowed around a child.. It is totally up to the parents who may and may not have contact with their child. Regardless of what you decide please be honest with your child by telling them they are adopted at an appropriate age of course.

Answer 11

Depends on the age. If the child is 5, then I think it may be in the child's best interests to maintain a relationship with the current grandparents.   You can't make a blanket yes or no.  It truly depends on what the situation is. Some girls give up their child because their family is unsupportive and toxic. It is not in the child's best interests then, because it often indicates manipulative behavior. In other cases, the parents are absent and the grandparents simply are not in a positive to raise a child (health may be an issue).

Legally, grandparents have no rights once the adoption is finalized unless there is a codicil by the judge.

Answer 12

In the USA,,,Grandparents do have rights and can get them through court if they can prove capably.....but you should just take care of that part during the adoption process ! Its what you feel comfortable with .

Answer 13

I think it only benefits the child if the grandparents can be in their life, as long as they are emotionally healthy with no manipulation etc.  It is good for a child to know their roots.  Yes the schedule always has to work for adoptive parents, and getting things in writing is a good way for all to be understanding.  

If my kids had grandparents that were emotionally healthy I woudl have tried everything possible to maintain contact; however, that is not the case.