Adoption: Loss or Gain?

Question

I have seen several comments the last few days that while adoptees do lose their first family, they gain a new family.

Does the gain make up for the loss?

Or to put the question another way, what do you say to an adoptee who only seems to feel the loss?

Answer 1

Funny you should mention this. My daughter & I were just talking about it. See its perfectly normal and understandable that a person has a connection to their birth parent. But that connection isn't love. That connection is a biological fact that happens just as fight or flight happens. Love is different. Love is what occurs as the child and parent progress, spend time together, learn about each other. Love is what happens when a relationship is formed between them.

I've seen lots of people who never formed a "relationship" with their parents yet were not abused in any way.

I guess some people feel that they have experienced a loss because they didn't stay in the same home, or didn't have a good bio-family. Maybe they feel cheated.  But I can't see how they can feel that way when they were given a new family who loved and cared.

I guess what I'm aiming at is this: Life is a box of chocolates - you never know what your going to get. And Forrest was right. You may get a new family, but that's a gain. What you make of it is a gain.

I couldn't imagine our lives without all of our kids, the bio & the adopted.

Answer 2

From my understanding of things, adoption Is a loss.  A loss is a loss.  I don't think you ever fully recover from a loss.

Nothing will make it better, erase the pain, or make up for the loss. The loss might be easier to deal with in time, but it will never go away.

To adoptees who feel loss, I'm so sorry for your pain.  (((hugs)))

****what helps me relate to this loss, is the death of our first daughter.  All losses are the same, they hurt forever but time does make it easier to deal with.  At times someone can say something ignorant to reopen the wound and all that pain will come flooding back in.  So please be thoughtful and respectful to those who feel loss thru adoption.  Maybe not all adoptees feel loss but for those that do, i can assure you that their pain is very real and it would be nice if we all could be respectful of that.

Answer 3

yes the gain makesup for the loss  Totally no question about it

i have a great life. wouldnt want the other life.  THANKS BIRTHMOTHER FOR THE LIFE YOU  GAVE ME!  Thanks for giving me a life that doesn't suck.

Answer 4

I think that it depends on a lot of factors.  It depends on the reason the child lost his first family, the quality of life he receives in the adoptive family, and his nature in general.

There is no question that adoption always involves some degree of loss.   The question is, does it also involve a gain?  I think that it can, under certain circumstances.   If the child came from a situation in which he was abused and neglected, and was placed in a loving and nurturing adoptive family, he may always feel some degree of loss, but there was certainly a gain in this instance as well.

As far as the nature of the child is concerned, there are some people (adoptees and otherwise) who see the glass as half empty, and others who see it as half full.  There are plenty of adoptees out there who are content in their adoptive families, who couldn't care less about searching, and who do not feel the need to look back.  There are others who will always feel a sense of loss and desolation.  But is this due only to the adoption?  Or is it at least partly due to their pessimistic nature?  Hard to say.

Answer 5

I'm adopted...have been since I was about a month old; my adoptive parents told me from the beginning that I was adopted, but they also said this: "All those other babies that were born into families had no choice. We did! We choose you...we didn't "get stuck" with you."

That always popped in my mind when some stupid kids would say something like, "You don't have a real family, you're adopted." A couple of years after my adoptive parents died (I always considered them my "real" parents), I was contacted by my biological mother...even though she was very rich, I always thought her very odd and mentally abusive...I miss my parents...my adoptive ones...

Answer 6

I have a wonderful adoptive family and i would do anything for them. BUT does that mean that i didn't feel the loss of my bop-family? NO! I felt it very acutely at times, it didn't mean i loved my a-parents less, it just meant that i still wondered about my b-family. Especially considering i wasn't offically adopted until the age of 4, that loss was profund. Today, i have a relationship with my b-grandma, you know i have enough love for both families. I refuse to choose one over the other, and in am no way disloyal to my a-parents,like some like to throw around here, just because us adoptees may have relationships with our b-families.

Answer 7

Adoption = loss. It doesn't equal gain for me. I don't know why people give "adoption" the credit for helping out a child who REALLY needs a home, that would be GOOD PEOPLE who are opening up their homes, NOT adoption.

Its very possible to help children in the way that they need it, without adoption and without the loss of adoption. No amount of anything "makes up" for what we lose when we lose our parents, identities, heritage, people, language, race etc.

I have a real good idea of what people say to the adoptee who feels a profound loss such as ME. They say, you got so much, your parents love you, be glad you weren't aborted, your BIRTHparents did the right thing, they're heros, be happy, you have NO REASON to be hurting you have everthing you need now. You were "chosen" ( nevermind the fact that the SEPARATION happened first )

i like to compare this death, a friend of mine's mother died when she was very very young. We stuggled with many of the same issues, but one that we didn't specifically "share" was the fact that she was encouraged to grieve her loss, and celebrate her mother, I was encouraged to stop speaking about it and be happy I lost her and my father.

Pfffft

Answer 8

I think adoption is both a loss and (hopefully) also a gain.  Does that mean the gain "makes up" for the loss?  No.  The loss must be grieved as loss, independent of the gain.  

I think, in the comments you're referring to, some people just don't feel comfortable letting loss, sadness, anger, etc. be expressed.  They feel defensive and so they must point out the gain.  It's unfair.  I'm not an adoptee, but I'm guessing that's why adoptee only online communities are so important for adoptees.  When people are expressing loss, others understand and empathize.  They know it doesn't mean they are ungrateful, bitter people.  I think we all need to just keep in mind everyone (adoptees, first parents, adoptive parents, prospective adoptive parents, random people who don't have a clue about adoption, etc.) are here and everyone wants to be heard.

Answer 9

Not all families are good families. I guess it depends on the situation. Children who have been neglected, abused, gone hungry, didnt live in sanitary conditions and had parents who were never around suffer everyday. Some are never lucky enough or have an opportunity for a better situation. The only thing that really classifies a person as a biological parent is genetics. Sperm and an Egg. Any real parent, adoptive or biological will probably tell you thats the most insignificant part of parenthood.Being a parent is about love and knowing you would do anything for that child. We all grow up with friends that we consider family and its because you share love that blood cant compare to.

It stings a little bit to think that there are people in this world that care about you so much, so why doesnt my real family? You eventually realize on your own how lucky you are to have people that care no matter who they are.

Answer 10

By being adopted I lost more than just my parents.  I lost a family history, a heritage, a sense of belonging within a family.  I lost those intangible things that make a person feel secure and whole and a part of something.

My adoptive parents did all the right things, they fed, clothed and loved me just like a family should, but they couldn't replace what I lost.   That's not their fault, it's just a fact.  Nothing can make up for what I originally lost.

Answer 11

As an adoptee, I would say my gain more than made up for my loss. I think it depends on the person and the situation.

Answer 12

This is a good question.  Loss for a chid is a terrible thing.  Growing up many (not all) but many feel their own personal loss.  Others do feel the gains make up for the loss, it is just crappy the loss had to happen in the first place.

We have our adopted children now, and although I love them already, what I woudl have given to have saved them their pain and suffering, but I, as a mom will do everything I can to help overcome those losses with good structured parenting, lots of love, and that is all I can do.  If my children only feel the loss, then I just let them feel it, it is their feelings.

Eventually though with all losses, eventually you, well you don't get over it, but the loss does lessen with time.  A grieving widow who remarries, does she feel the loss of her husband, surely, but over time the loss is ingrained as part of her past, and she moves on, soemtimes wtih another partner.  She may love the new partner but of course if she had to choose she woudl have chosen not to lose the first one.

Answer 13

I think it depends on the adoption circumstances and whether or not there is a healthy ongoing relationship with the first family.

In any adoption there is a loss of not being parented by the nmom/family.  Especially in a closed adoption where there is a complete lack of origins. Add the  a circumstance of abuse or neglect and the loss is more profound.

I'm not an adoptee, my daughter is, and I recognize her initial loss. But now that she's approaching that adolescent age she has a real life understanding of how unplanned pregnancies can happen. We have discussions about this from time to time and I know she's discussed the nfather with her nmom.

My daughter loves all of her family. So I think the loss is always there but in the case of open adoption and open communication the loss can be less hurtful and not feel like such a burden for an entire lifetime.

The key to ease the pain and anger is simple. Truth and honesty.

Now that I'm done I'm not sure if I answered your question, but I hope I did.

Answer 14

Yesterday someone suggested that if a persons legs were chopped off would prosthetic legs be a blessing (or something to that effect).

Well, it so happens when my son was 9 years old his left leg was Severed and after multiple surgeries....implanted fake pieces--five titanium pins and 3 years of therapy I can ASSURE everyone that my now 24 year old son does in fact find his partly fake--doesn't feel anything below the knee and will require several more surgeries Leg is much better then No leg at all....

In fact not long ago we had a talk about if it would have actually been easier and better to have had his leg amputated and been able to use the New Prosthetics... His feeling is that It may very well have been--after all he would have recovered from one major surgery and then needed to deal with therapy to use his High-Tech leg which might have caused him to be a Track Star or spared him the need for a Hip Replacement in few years....

Even today the option of cutting his bad leg off is still something he is considering--as the lack of feeling and the different lengths of his legs caused great pain and difficulty... He is currently investigating which would offer him the best future? Amputation of his dead leg filled with pins...or continuing life with infections, pain and problems.....

Answer 15

The gain only happens BECAUSE of the loss.

I lost a very close friend a few days ago.  If someone introduced me to a new "friend", that wouldn't make it all better.  I still lost my friend.  Besides, how long is it going to take for me to get to know this new friend?  How do I know s/he is "friend" material?  And by the way, why didn't I get a say in who MY friends are?

I don't expect that my presence in our childrens' lives will "make up for" the family they lost.  In fact, my hope is that their original family will be able to be a part of their lives, (working around safety concerns, of course).  Regardless, there will still be a loss.  Granted, there is a gain, too (I mean, come on folks, I'm COOL!  LOL, just kidding!), but the gain of a new family doesn't affect the loss of the original family.

ETA:  Oops, forgot one.  "what do you say to an adoptee who only seems to feel the loss?"  I honestly don't know.  But I give great hugs.  Nothing I say can take away the pain.

Answer 16

Does the gain make up for the loss ?

From my perspective NO it does not. Whilst I have had a truly blessed childhood and wonderful adoptive parents and without being adopted I would not have come to Australia, later on met my husband married and had MY two beautiful children..

But does that wipe the loss out ? and make a clean slate ?

No it doesnt because I have lost an entire family and traditions, my mother and a sister..I have lost the very essence of who I am , the core of me deep within ......I have been molded because of society into someone else but still having the real me deep within and ended up being a dual personality...without the *mental issues* side of it..

So whilst I may have *gained* in some sense I have certainly lost a lot more.

To an adoptee I can only say " I understand and I feel your loss" and "I'm Sorry you're hurting"

ETA  How the h**l do you doing the thumbs down justify it on My response ?

Answer 17

Does the gain make up for the loss?

I also think it depends on the situation as all situations are different. For my situation I feel my gain did make up for my “loss”.  I personnel wouldn’t compare this to a friend or spouse who has died. For the simple fact if this happened to me I would have know the person. I never knew my natural family, other then living in bm for 8months. And to me 8month out of nearly 25 years is minuscule.

what do you say to an adoptee who only seems to feel the loss?

I would simple say I’m sorry, that’s all I could say.

Answer 18

it depends on the situation I think

sometimes gaining DOES make up for the loss.. MORE than make up for it.... what do you say to a child that has "lost" an abusive parent but "gained" a loving stable family through adoption??

it depends on the situation. There's no "across the board" correct yes or no answer to either of your questions..

I'd never tell anyone they SHOULDN'T "feel the loss"  nor would I tell anyone they SHOULDN'T feel that adoption was the best thing for THEM (as an adoptee).. what they feel is what they feel.. they are entitled to their feelings.

Answer 19

Do gains make up for the losses?  It truly is dependent on the situation - as with anything in life.  Some people may feel that the gain of an adoptive family makes up for a loss they experienced (if due to neglect or abuse, etc.).  While others may feel that they can never replace what they lost - and they have every right to feel that way.  

Anytime that we lose someone in our life - whether it be a family member, friend, etc. - our lives are never the same.  But whether that loss is a positive or negative thing is really dependent on the person and the situation.  A wife who is widowed would say the loss could never be replaced.  A wife who is divorced may feel differently.  It truly is an individual thing based on the individuals involved.

As for what to say to an adoptee who only seems to feel loss?  I'm not sure.  I guess I would just try to "listen" and be there for them, rather than say anything.

Answer 20

No they are two very different and separate things. The loss of a child is not erased by the birth of another. As for what would I say to an adoptee who only seems to feel the loss, that they are missing out on a possibly wonderful gain that has nothing to do with their loss. I would suggest to anyone who only feels one side of the adoptee coin, that they see a professional. Adoptee's should feel a loss for the loss of their first family and as well as joy for finding their second family. Anyone who feels only one is in denial and needs help. A truly healthy adoptee has dealt with their loss and accepted the blessing of their new family. This however has nothing to do with abusive Aparents, that is a different story. This answer is for adoptee's whose Afamily loves them and tried their best.

Answer 21

1.) Adoption: Loss or Gain?

It's a loss of so many things: heritage, family history, genetic identity, security, my list could go on forever.

2.) Does the gain make up for the loss?

No the gain doesn't make up for it. An understanding,  emotionally secure, educated and empathetic adoptive parent can be supportive, but I don't believe they can ever make up for it.

3.) What do you say to an adoptee who only seems to feel the loss?

"I'm sorry, that sucks" always works for me

Answer 22

Nothing makes up for loss.  Ask a person who remarries after losing a spouse.  They never get over the loss.  The new spouse does not replace the old one.  But they learn that they can find joy in spite of the loss.  

In spite of my loss as an adoptee,  I have been given so much that is good.  No, the gains don't make up for the loss, but they certainly make the loss tremendously easier to handle.   And any pain I have felt as a result of adoption does not drown out my appreciation for the good things I have been given.

To an adoptee who only feels pain I would say "I am truly sorry for your pain."  My sister is one of these adoptees.  My heart breaks for her. All I wish for her is happiness.

Answer 23

Destroying one family to create another is not an even trade off. The loss can not be made up for. No matter how much gain there is the loss will still be there.

When I talk to an adoptee that feels the loss I just say I'm sorry and listen.

Answer 24

Adoption: Loss or Gain?

BOTH

Does the gain make up for the loss?

NO

Or to put the question another way, what do you say to an adoptee who only seems to feel the loss?

You have the right to feel that way.  But, negative thinking will only bring you down further.  Try to find a way to help you gireve your pain and gain some sense of happiness in your life.  Many people dealing with loss get psychological help.  Life is not fair and is too short to stay depressed all the time.  Every child deserves to pursue happiness.  If you are an adopted child who feels this way go to any adult that can help you...  how ever you may need it.

Answer 25

I cannot tell someone that what they are feeling is wrong.  

I agree that adoption is about loss, more so than gaining a family.  In order to be adopted a person has to lose, somehow, their whole biological family first.  And that is a pretty big loss.

Most AP or PAP's seem to think that getting to be their child is this huge blessing, and they don't realize that the child is going to feel some loss, it is only natural.

I do not think the gain makes up for the loss in anyway.  It is an unfortunate part of life for adoptees.  And if AP's and PAP's aren't ready to acknowledge that loss and help their children come to terms with that, well I think that they are just living in a dream world.  I don't know how better to explain it.  

As someone who is considering adoption as a way to build our family, I am having a real hard time dealing with the entitlement that most AP's and PAP's have.  I do not feel entitled to anyone's children, and I don't understand how anyone can feel that way.  Just because we may have more money, a bigger house, etc. etc.  does not mean we are automatically better parents than the children's biological family.  I really think, if at all possible, families should stay together, and adoption doesn't exactly support that.  Or, I should say, the adoption industry.  

It is really sad.

Answer 26

I don't think it has anything to do with whether the adoptive family is a loving family or not.  The loss is still felt.  Of course, there is more pain if the adoptive family is abusive or unhealthy.  That's a given.  But what most of us adoptive families don't realize is that the adoptee feels the loss REGARDLESS of anything we say or do.  There is just NO WAY to avoid the feeling of loss, and the feeling of not being valued enough by their first parents.  Those feelings can be dealt with and adoptees can and do live happy lives in spite of that pain, but to pretend it isn't there is a fantasy for everyone involved in adoption.  I can't say whether the gain is more than the loss because I'm not an adoptee.  I can certainly say that there are situations where the child's very life is in danger, and adoption truly is the only option.  Even when adoption is truly the only option, adoptive families need to be educated about the way that the child will be impacted by the adoption.  Not understanding an adoptee can bring more pain than they already have to deal with.  And, the WORLD needs to be educated about adoption and it's lasting impact on everyone involved, especially the adoptee.  Adoption needs to be treated as a very serious decision, and one which is considered only as a life-saving measure for the child.  Not merely a way to give an "underpriviledged" child a "better" life.  In those situations, the loss may very well be greater than the gain almost without exception.

LaurieDB:  Your analogy is very good.  Point well made!  I think it does help sometimes when we can look at an issue in a different "light".  It can make perfect sense when we put it in terms we are familiar with!  I have often thought of it as if I suddenly woke up with amnesia.  Would it matter if a loving family took me in, and loved me and accepted me?  Would I still feel no need to look for who I am?  Should I feel grateful for the good people who love me, and not feel a terrible sense of loss for the part of me I 'lost' ?  Of course, that would be ridiculous!

Answer 27

I'm married to a man who is 18 years my senior.  I married him because I love him dearly and he, I.  However, I also knew going into it that the chances were quite high that he'll die first, and that I could have a good many years left following his death.

If I should choose to remarry after he dies, should I forget he was a part of my history?  Will my new husband make up for the loss of my current husband?  Even if my current husband and I had only dated briefly and he died on the honeymoon (hence, a short period of knowing one another,) would anyone be so cold and crass as to think that it's not THAT big of a deal, since we didn't really have long together and besides, now I have this new husband?  Even if the new husband were a fabulous, fantastic, wonderful man who made me incredibly happy, would anyone be cruel enough to make such statements?

When put into any other terms other than those of adoption, it's pretty clear that people don't make up for the loss of other people.  Well, adoption is no different.  I don't care if you knew each other for 12 minutes, 12 hours or 12 years.  I don't care if the child was very young and doesn't appear to have conscious memories of his/her first family.  

Loss is loss which is loss.



No one can judge, downplay or dismiss another's sense of loss.

New people don't make up for the loss of other people.  They can do a lot of other things, even step into the roles the previous people held, but they cannot erase, negate or make up for the loss of the previous persons.  It just doesn't work that way.  It's not even logical to think such.

Answer 28

The gain does not "make up for" the loss.  I don't think that's quite what adoption should be about.  My a'parents didn't replace my first parents any more than I replaced the child my a'parents could never have.  

Adoption is not an algebra problem--it's never going to "balance out" no matter what.  No matter what a good family you land in, no matter what a good kid you are, no matter how great your parents are, no matter how much love there is--the loss is not erased, although recognizing it and talking about it can diminish it.

If I met someone who only felt loss, I don't think I'd say anything.  I'd listen to him or her talk about it.  Since we put such a rosy glow around adoption in this culture, that person may not have any other outlet for experessing such feelings.