Adoption Question?? Nature --versus-- Nurture? 10 Points for best answer!!?

Question

First of all my hubby and I are foster parents. We adopted a baby boy last year that had been with us for 15 months. It's the best decision we have ever made! He is our angel & we love him SOOOO much!! We also have a foster baby who we got straight from the hospital, he is now 9 months old and his parents aren't doing what they should be to get him back. So it's looking like we may be able to adopt this child also. We are very attached to him & are the only parents he's ever known.

The baby's mother is Bi-polar, has addictive behaviors, & is known for being a violent person, his father is about the same.

The baby has had a TERRIBLE temper for as long as we can remember, and at 6 months he was throwing temper tantrums already!! When he gets mad he will scream like someone is killing him, & hold his breath!! My question is.......Who here believes nurturing a child since birth will overcome the nature of the child? Is a Baby's parsonality genetic or learned?

Answer 1

Certain things can be changed by NURTURING,  but I do NOT believe things like ADD, Bi-polar, or anything that is passed GENETICALLY from parent to child can be changed by Nurturing ONLY.    For example... I have 2 adult friends--both carry a gene that pre-disposes that their children will be slightly  to moderately slow.   They had 3 kids... all had developmental disabilities...  had any ONE of them been taken from their parents at birth,  they would all STILL carry the same GENES that their parents gave them and therefore, even with emence amounts of nurturing, their conditions would still be the same.   Genetics is, for the most part, stronger then love.     However, with everything else in life,  there ARE a few exceptions...   and the LEVEL to which a child reacts to the nurturing may have some visable effect... Example:   a child is born with autisim...  if he is left to his own devices, the child will progressively get worse and more withdrawn... GENETICALLY,  that is what happens.  HOWEVER,  (and I have SEEN this happen)... taking that same child and working with it constantly and "nurturing" it positively and physically for years  CAN change the nature of the illness for the better.... BUT,  it will not TOTALLY eliminate it....

Answer 2

If you had asked me this question 43 years ago I would answered differently.  I adopted five babies from birth.  They are now 43 etc.  All five backgrounds were different, and I found out about all of them.

I wanted to believe that my love for these children would overcome everything.  It didn't work out that way.  Imust say from the beginning, that my children are my life and I love everyone of them.  We are a loving, close knit family and we now have 7 beautiful grandchildren.

The baby that had the worst time, was given birth by a woman who was a chain smoker and alcoholic.  When he started going to school he was so disruptive he was called  hyperactive.  They not call it fetal alcohol syndrome.  He had many challenges that our other children didn't have.  We treated all our children with unconditional love and respect and they have grown to be wonderful, kind, loving parents themselves.  Our oldest son is now a lawyer and all the other children have made a success of their lives, both financially and emotionally.  This includes our dear son who was born with alcohol syndrome.  He made it out of the tunnel, but it was a challenge all the way.  If he hadn't had us, his family, I don't think he would have made it.    The nurturing he received from his father, myself and his siblings, brought him through.  If he had been with any other family, who would have given up on him, I don't think he could have survived.

Yes, nurturing the child, did not overcome what was in his little body when he was born.  However, the blessings we received from him, because he was such a loving, talented, kind indidual made up for everything.  He is now happily married with children of his own, and he is a wonderful example of being to overcome great odds.

If you love this child, you can deal with anything.  If you have unconditional love for your child, that is what he will need to get through the tough times.  Can you see this little boy being brought up with someone who would give up on him?  He needs a loving, giving, caring, compassionate family to assist him with the challenges.  Nowadays, there are so many more treatment and help that we never had when our children were younger.  You therefore have an advantage over us regarding assistance understanding what has happened to him.

I would not have given up any of my children, I loved and still  love them so much.

Children are children are children, perfectly healthy children and children that are born behind the starting line.  You can either love a child with all the challenges, or you can give up on him.  

I am so thankful for all our children and grandchildren and I am so grateful that I was a mother to such wonderful individuals.  I am their mother and have always been. None of them have ever asked or wondered about who gave birth to them, because to them a mother is the one who cares and looks after them all their life, with unconditional love.

A childs challenges at birth would still not stop me from adopting that child.  I didn't want perfection I wanted a baby.

Answer 3

It is a combination of both.  The baby has you in his corner, so that is a big benefit...but mental illness and adiction issues can happen even when a child expereinces a normal upbringing.

No one can predict what the outcome will be.  Given the babies already difficult personality, he will probably be a challenge to parent.  But dominant personalites focused in the right way can make adults that are movers and shakers, he could grow up to be an awesome person!

Good luck.

Answer 4

Well I guess I will put in my two cents although I think a lot of people will disagree.  

   I know a lot of people who are adopted, and a lot who aren't, and they are all like their biological family in comparison to their adopted family.  That isn't to say that they ended up like their biological family (for example I know one kid whose parents were essentially illiterate and had no ambition whatsoever, and although he isn't very ambitious, he IS a big reader... he is just more lax so I guess he takes after them in that way).  Also, bipolar disorder has a larger genetic component than normal depression, but that doesn't mean the child will get it.  He may be having terrible temper tantrums because he is scared you will leave him.... even kids adopted from birth often have abandonment problems.

So I think overall, a baby's personality is genetic, but environment can make or break it.  For example, someone who is impatient is likely to always be that way, but environment can make the difference in whether that person is so impatient that they kill someone to get what they want, or  if they just work harder so they can have what they want sooner.  Extreme example but I think you know what I mean lol.

By the way, congrats to you for going through the struggles of foster parenting, and being there for children that are probably wonderful but sometimes are overlooked.

Answer 5

this is a good one, I think learned, I'm a mom of 4 and a child knows his/her mommy, i think it will take a long time for him to realize hes safe, with loving people and as he grows your love will rub off on him.  i think the moods are he wants his mother and gets frustrated when he cant have her, my kids all did this and I always am able to calm them down faster and make them feel safer, dads to. I would keep up the wonderful things you are doing and give this baby lots of extra love so he can over come this major change! i know you have had him since birth and hes 9months, but i think that's what it is. I hope I'm right! good luck to you angles!!

Answer 6

i believe it is up to the nuturer to devolop a strategy for being able to nuture the nature of any child.  adopted or not.  any child biological or not can have emotional, mental and physical difficulties to overcome or learn how to live with.  if you are making the commitment to that child then you should try your best to devise a plan that will nuture this child to the best of your ability and base it on the nature of the child.  my best to you and your family.

Answer 7

I am an adoptee. and i realize you may think i am nuts but no matter what you do its enevatable that the baby will turn out like the parents. they say that bipolar is to be learned once there are two that have it but this must be in the genes and when he get solder he'll have to be taken and put on meds for depression (severe) he'll be normal then but you will see this in coming months. yes sometimes nurturing can be the best meds but this is already ingrained. you see my sisters and i were parted when i was one day old. my two older sisters are nuts about elvis presley. guess what all my life i have been to. there are also other things that come by natural and they are no matter what you do. i like horror movies and so does my sisters. and in fact i have one that likes nothing but them and me also. when i was younger would hid behind something but i would watch them. i think in some cases they are genetic and that there is nothing you can do in this case it is suppose to be learned they say most doctors do. but if hes got temper now and you see it then guess what somehow he got this and you will have enough knowledge to know up front what is wrong and can take him to proper doctors for treatment and he'll be saved and not have to be like his parents. but that is why i have showed you through what i know that yes its true. sorry but he will be fine you will just have to help this one more and love and stuff is very good. but for unknown reasons this thing that they have is tended to move to him its sad but true take care.

Answer 8

I am an adoptee.  When I was in my twenties, through a miraculous chain of events, I was able to find my birth parents and to meet them.  When I met my birthmother and her family, I was amazed at the similarities between us...similarities that could not be explained by anything other than genetics.  I know that the in-vogue thing to say nowadays is that we´re all a blank slate, and that the environment in which we are raised makes all the difference.  The truth is that we inherit a lot of our propensities, our temperament, and even many of the interests towards which we gravitate...it´s in the genes.

Now, having said that, does that mean that if a kid´s bio-parents were rebellious goof-ups, violent, or, as you mentioned, bipolar, then the kid is doomed?  I don´t think so.

In the first place, being bipolar is so irresponsibly over-diagnosed nowadays.  It seems that everybody and his uncle is supposedly bipolar.  Secondly, no matter what a kid´s temperament or genetic disposition may be, how the child is raised is going to go a long way in determining how he responds to his internal programming.  Most children respond positively to a good, nurturing environment, consistent discipline, affection, and responsible parenting.

Finally, genetics does not make decisions for people.  Having parents who are thieves does not automatically mean that a kid is going to be dishonest.  Having parents who are alcoholics does not make a kid decide to drink.  Each of us is responsible for the choices we make, regardless of our genetic make-up.  That´s where good parenting comes in.

Answer 9

Well many psycoanalysts have asked the same question.  In my opinion (which everyone has one) there are learned characteristics and some genetic ones.  I believe that most characteristics are learned.  I grew up with an undiagnosed bi polar mother that was also an alcoholic.  she had quite the temper, but you seen nothing until you seen me!! It wasn't until i went to counseling that I learned I did not have to be this angry wench anymore so I believe that nurturing the child will help him overcome any biological obsticles in his path.  Good Luck

Answer 10

I'll echo some of the other responses here...  It's clearly both.  It was explained to me once in the following way, using IQ as an example:  Biology sets the range for IQ, and Environment determines where, along that range, a person will fall.  (I can't say whether it truly works that way, but it gives a rough and ready example of how the two can work together.)

I have some of my adoptive father's mannerisms.  Enough that others see them in me.  And I have some of my adoptive mother's compassion, I'd like to think.

But upon finding my birth mother, I discovered that my interest in science fiction (shared by no one in my adoptive family) is apparently a trait shared by many in my birth family.  My birth mother and I wound up in the same profession.  Many of my personality traits seem to mirror hers.  It's actually a little eerie at times, how similar we are.  

The child you describe may be prone to bi-polar disorder, addiction, and violence.  But the bi-polar won't have surfaced yet.  And the other things are not forgone conclusions.  Indeed, I would advise you not to think that you already know the "nature of the child."  That won't be obvious yet.  It's good that you know these things about the mother, as these are things it will be important to keep an eye out for as the child gets older (especially into his late teens and twenties).  I just wouldn't want him to think he is doomed to have these qualities himself.  If he does think so, it may become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

And the description you give of the child reminds me of my youngest adoptive brother (who is the biological child of my adoptive parents).  Neither of them ever displayed the temper that my a-brother was prone to.  So even with biology and nurturing on his side, he was a difficult child.  But even he turned out okay in the end.  (Though, if you tell him I said that, I'll deny it.  ;) )

Don't try to "overcome" the child's nature.  That both suggests that the child has a preset personality and that you want to impose your will on him.  I don't think you meant it that way, but you do need to be careful not to set up an adversarial relationship.  As another answer said, nurture the child's nature.  That seems about right.

I wish you well.

Answer 11

It's both.

The best thing any parent can do is nurture their child's nature.

It can go a long way.

Answer 12

You've asked the question professional psychologists have grappled with since the beginning of the profession.  I think the answer everyone agrees on is that both nature and nurture contribute significantly to who a person is, and the "percentages" will never be nailed down.  However, you should realize that bipolar disorder is something that has a strong genetic link.  This doesn't mean that your son will have it.  There is still a lot bigger chance that he won't have it than will, just a greater chance he'll have it than the general population.  Also, as far as your baby's behavior, it may not be "inherited" in the genetic sense or have anything to do with bipolar disorder as much as caused by drug exposure in eutero since you say the mother has "addictive" behaviors.

Answer 13

I don't think there is an easy answer to this question, because the research shows that it's a combination of both.  Any parent who has two children can tell you that the children are different despite being raised the same.  It has also been shown that mental disorders are genetic, which means your younger baby will have a higher risk of developing it.  Addiction is a little different.  Although you can be predisposed to becoming addicted to something, you can be taught to avoid things (drugs, alcohol, overeating) that you would be addicted to.  

Bottom line: your love and affection as well as your child rearing style will help your baby overcome any problems he might have.

Answer 14

From experience and everything I learned in my psychology studies, I believe it is a combination of both.  I believe that nature gives people the potential to exhibit certain traits while it takes certain triggers from the environment to bring out these traits.

Answer 15

Wow!  Great Question!  

In my personal opinion, I believe a child's personality is developed through nurture.  A child learns what he lives.  

That being said, there are certain medical issues and genetic things that will "contribute" to a child's personality.  These, of course, are nature based and cannot be changed no matter how much nurturing is put in place.  Our son has a genetic medical disorder that he will have all of his life, and his children will be carriers of the genetic defect also.  The reality is that this disorder is a part of his personality in that he has had to "learn" to be careful with foods and illnesses and learn what to do when he is crisis.  The disorder is nature related.  But his personality which includes this nature based disorder comes from what he has learned from nurture in how to take care of himself and how to control his disorder.  

Does that make sense?????

Answer 16

I personally think that it is the combination of the two. Some physical, genetic issues can impact on a childs personality, but I believe that the environment (nurture) has a lot to do with personality.

As a student studying Early Childhood Teaching, I have read a lot about what influences a childs behaviour, and a really good research project, called the Total Environment Assessment Model for Early Childhood Development commissioned by the World Health Organisation states that a child's personality and development is influenced by the child's genetic makeup, the family (including extended family and close family friends, the community in which the child lives, the Early Childhood centre/s the child attends and so on, right up to the global environment.

Answer 17

Personality is mostly genetic. Was the mother on anti-depressants or other drugs whilst pregnant? He may have colic and should grow out of it soon. It's hard when you have two in diapers. Hang in there. Hopefully these links will help. Good Luck and Take Care.

PS: When he is holding his breath, you might try gently blowing into his face.

Answer 18

Both components are there, however...

I am more like my birth -mom than I am like the family who raised me.  I was placed birth, and in their home at two weeks old.

I never met her(my b-mom) until I was 32 years old, nor did I know anything about her.

Our lives are so similar it is frightening.  I had a pregnancy at the same age at which she had me.  She had my sister nine months to the day after I miscarried.  We both married young, to abusive men, had an early divorce, and then re-married,  the loves of our lives.

We both held similar jobs, neither of us finished college.... the similarities go on and on.

Answer 19

Bi-polar is typical genetic and if both his biological parents have it. He will probably have a great chance of having it as well. There is not much you can do about that however since you know he could possible have it. You can prepare for it a little perhaps have him get on medication when he needs to.

I had a teacher in high school who was adopted and she was just like her adopted mother, liked the same things, had some of the same  pet peeves.  etc.  So in times nurture can win out.  But in the case of a genetic issues then no.  They say that kids who have a biological parent who is an addict have a great chance of becoming one themselves even if they aren’t raised by that person.  In that situation you could certainly try to prevent it just as any other parents tries to keep their kids from becoming druggies or alcoholics.

My birthmother had some addiction problems and this has really kept me in line. I don't drink much and when i do its very little. I know i have to watch myself. Which isn't to hard since i never had an intrest in drugs, smoking.

Answer 20

Nurture

Answer 21

What are you talking about?? My daughter acts just like that. She came out with a temper and she still likes to stomp her feet and scream like a person on fire! We used to call her the screamin' pie hole and now ...well she's 9 so she has feelings to consider on top of all the moodiness :X

Just learn how to distract, react and avoid places that set them off. My daughter is  a real perfectionist so I kept her busy with puzzles and avoided things that made her frustrated. She used to throw up her cold medicine so I'd have to yell at her that I'd spank her if she even tried it and she was only 1! I'm not sure if it's a power thing or if she just has my husbands' anal personality! LOL

GOOD LUCK! p.s. I have a twin and we are nothing alike! I am a Christian, she's not and I'm a Republican and she's a Democrat. I believe your track and moral values can sway your personality and actions too.