Adoption Question? Opinion Please...?

Question

I have a cousin who was adopted. I have never met her. Our family just found out about her a few years ago. We found out about her b/c my Uncle's ex-girlfriend from many moons ago, highschool sweetheart, decided to find her. I am asuming she wanted some closure for giving her up or something.

Anyway since I have found out about her, I feel a little robbed, not being able to know her or grow up w/ her. Should I reach out to her? Try and establish a relationship? Or should I leave things alone?

The only reason why I am asking is b/c she has never tried to seek us out. Makes me think she was happy w/ her life before her natural mother found her.

Anyone out there that is adopted...can you help me w/ this? Should I reach out or leave things alone? I would love to get to know her but I also don't want to disturb her life either? If you were adopted would you like to know your family members?

Please advise...thanks

Answer 1

I would try to establish a relationship but respect any boundaries that the cousin may set. Who knows, You may end up with a life long friend

Answer 2

My mother was adopted and I would love to meet her family

Answer 3

well just move on with  ur life

Answer 4

I am not adopted but I have a very close friend who was.  She was delighted to find any and all of her family but did not reach out until the death of both of her adopted parents....so maybe you should just do as you want, this is about you too, she may be just waiting for a call, or maybe she is not ready,,she can always say no but the last time I checked, none of us can ever be loved or cared about too much....good luck....JMO

Answer 5

I am 1 of 5 siblings. I have two half-brothers that my Mum was forced into giving up for adoption. She had them when she was about 15 and 18. When she was 23 she had my brother that at 26 she had my sister, then at 29 she had me. I found out about me two half-brothers when I was about 17 (I am 23 now). My Mum decided one day that she wanted to contact them. Their adoptive Mum refused to let that happen but I called her myself and told her how much it would mean to me to be able to get to know my brothers. After a couple of days we got a phone call from the older one. He was interested in a "relationship" with his biological family. We are mostly in contact over the phone but both my sister and I have met him (my "full" brother isn't the sort of person who puts alot of importance on family... he's a lovely guy but hard to get close to if that makes sense). My Mum speaks to him all the time but he is not yet ready to meet my Mum in person. The youngest was a different story. He did not want anything to do with us at first (the oldest was almost 3 when he was adopted and the youngest was an infant so he doesn't even remember my Mum) but over time he got in contact with us kids. We only keep in touch maybe once or twice a year and usually via text message or a phone call if something big has happened (e.g. I got married at the start of the year so we spoke then). None of us have met him in person and he has never tried to make contact with Mum.

I tell this story to highlight that everyone is different and the way they view family may make a big difference to how they approach adopted family... this especially so with my "full" brother... don't get me wrong, he would do anything for us but he is not the sort of person to go out of his way to make contact and develop a relationship with someone he has never met. My sister and I on the other hand, still see both of our half brothers as family even if we have only known about them for 5 years.

I am curious as to whether you have yet tried to make contact with your cousin... if not then you cannot possibly know if she is interested in getting to know you or not. She may feel exactly the same way you do and is wondering why you haven't yet tried to contact her.

Another possibility is that in her family, cousins aren't as close. I know in my family, if I found out about a cousin who was adopted out I wouldn't try to track them down, but I hardly speak to any of my cousins as most of them are on my Dad's side and I haven't spoken to my Dad since I was 8 (he was an A hole). But if I did have a cousin try to contact me I would welcome the relationship (I just wouldn't seek it if that makes sense). However in my husband's family, the cousins are very close (I am closer to my Husband's cousins than my own) and I know that he would seek out a long lost cousin if he knew he had one.

I guess what I am trying to say is you never know how the other person will feel if you don't try. Worst case scenario is she says "I'm not interested" and then what have you lost? At least you know and wont be curious and in the long run you wont have anything to regret.

If you can, try and get her e-mail address as this can be a non-invasive way of making contact... or her mobile phone number so you can text her.... or address so you can send her a letter. That way you can say.."Hi, this is me, this is who I am, I'd love to get to know you if you're interested" without putting any pressure on her.

Good luck... I'll be interested in seeing how you go with this one

Answer 6

I met my real dad when I was 19.  It was extremely everything.  All of my emotions were going everywhere at once and I didn't know what I should feel.  There was a family wedding at that time and I met the entire family all at once

I felt that I had no right to want to know my father's side of the family.  There was no bond between us.  I was the one that sought them out, they did not try to find me and they knew I existed!

A few of of them stepped forward and welcomed me with open arms.  Parts of me felt elated, this is what I wanted all of my life and parts of me thought how fake it all was, they didn't even know me.  it was the scariest moments of my life

You have every reason to feel robbed.  Apart of you that you didn't know existed has entered your life.

My suggestion to you is if you want to know her then you have to make the move.  There is only one of her, there is a lot of your family to take in.  Be her friend first, family will come later when you both get to know each other.  

The best advise I can give to you would be, never give up on her.  She's already been given up once.  To be given up on as a baby is hard, but to be given up on after  people know you is harder.  

She has the right to know you as much as you have the right to know her.

Answer 7

i hear about this all the time. the birth parents and the adopted kids never look for each other because they think too much about the other person and why they havent come looking first. She's already found so if I were you I'd try to get to know her. If she doesn't want to know you, she'll make that clear, and you wouldn't have lost anything in your life that you didnt already have. If she does befriend you, she'll be really glad to know that somebody who is related to her is making the first move...

you should totally watch meet the robinsons..

Answer 8

Every adoption situation - just like every family - is different. Some children that are adopted want nothing to do with their birth family and others want to know everything about their roots.

If the uncle's ex-girlfriend is able to make contact, then I would advise taking to her about how receptive the daughter was to knowing about her birth family. If she is receptive and keeping in touch with her birth mother, then send a message through her.

Answer 9

does she know about you now?  how old is she?  if she knows about your family then i would put it out to her, in a letteror email, how you feel, that you would like to get to know her.  be open and honest about it, but not forceful.  let it be her decision if she wants to include you in her life or not, and allow the choice to be completely hers and not feel bad should she decide that she would rather not.

I know that might be hard...but imagine what she has all ready had to deal with in this journey...just let her make the choice.

I would be feeling exactly the same as you, and if i was her i would want to get to know you :)

Answer 10

There is no right or wrong answer to your question. All adoptees don't feel the same. Some long to be reunited with natural relatives while others may feel like they are betraying their adopted families if they seek them out. The only way to know for sure is to do it. Just be prepared for rejection, that way it won't hurt so much if it happens. I wish you much luck.

Answer 11

I'm not adopted, nor have I been in your situation, but I'll give you the best advise that I can offer you.

Your cousin may not have known that she was adopted, firsts of all. If she did, she may not know why she was given up, and might feel like your whole family rejected her for not reaching out sooner. Obviously, this is not the case as you didn't know she exsisted.

Try reaching out to her, but don't put too much pressure on her. Chances are that she is happy with her family, and may feel overwhelmed if all these new people started showing up in her life saying "Hi, I'm your cousin, be my friend!" Give her a chance to get used to the idea of having more than one family.

I have a cousin that I've never met, and that's because my uncle and ex-aunt had him and then divorced when I was really young. My grandmother recently tried to reach out to him, but he would have nothing to do with her.

This is a difficult situation, and you have to try to put yourself into her shoes. Reach out to her, but don't push her or try to force her to have a relationship with you. If you do, the relationship will be a bad one.

This sounds harsh, but think of this: If you had never known of her exsistance, it wouldn't have mattered to you if she was your friend or not, so try not to become overly stressed if she's not prepared to be on pleasant terms with you or anyone in your family.

Answer 12

Reach out....slowly. This is a lot to process for someone.

But I think reaching out and extending the hand of friendship would be great. Just be prepared for the "I don't think so" or silence of rejection. I can happen that way.

Answer 13

You should definitely reach out to her. She is your blood. I hope you two develop a close relationship.

Answer 14

if it was me, I would find her. But that is me. I would not push myself on her, but I would want to know about her

Answer 15

f

Answer 16

she is not blood so dont bother talking to her. she is just a stranger. she fells the same way. ignore each other.

Answer 17

Im not adopted or anything but I think you should reach out to her. Maybe she's  just shy. She is your cousin.

Answer 18

I can understand why you're feeling robbed... but...

Your cousin already has a family.  Suddenly, she has TWO families, one of which may completely resent the other.  She's walking a very fine line... almost like a tightrope, trying to balance the loyalty she feels to the family she grew up with  and the ties she is just beginning to form with this second family.  Reaching out is OK... but don't be pushy about it.  a nice note that says " Hi, I'm your cousin "judy", your birthdad's sister's daughter.  Cousins in our family grow up feeling like siblings, and I just wanted you to know that I'm here if you ever need me"

Let it lay, after that... add her to your Christmas card list

the whole reunion process is overwhelming... I can't imagine what it would have been like if I hadn't been searching at the same time my mother was.. if she had just popped back into my life unannounced.

Answer 19

The trick in all of this is tact. It's nice that you would like to get to know your cousin, but it has to be a two way street.

   You can try making contact but don't have any expectations; It could go either way. If your cousin isn't receptive, don't be upset.

    I am adopted and was offered the oppurtunity to seek out my birth mother, but declined. I figured she did me a favor as a baby and did all she could for me. I made my way in life and it's only the occasional twinge of curiosity that would make me think of my birth mother.

Answer 20

give it time  she has alot going on now

Answer 21

it is different for everyone, but since she has met her birth mother and DECIDED not to maintain contact or meet the rest of the family, i think you must respect her decision. i also think that you are probably thinking that your relationship would have been more than it would have. really, how many adults are extremely close to their cousins? i could understand your "robbed" feeling if she were your sister or your mother. either way, her desire not to know her "real" family is just as valid as your desire to know her. you can't make up for lost time and she likely is happy as things are. if she decides to reach out later, be accepting, but let her make  the first move.

Answer 22

i was not adopted, but i have scense.

If i were u I would get to know her like a work relationship, dont bring in family. If you feel she wants to talk about her family and foster parents, so can you. If you feel shes stiff and avoids then dont bring it in

Answer 23

How old was she when she found out that she was adopted? i think you should talk to her, it could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship between the two of you. maybe she is thinking the same thing about you, whether or not she should contact you. my brother was adopted, (a few years before i was born) and i have been doing everything in my power to get hold of him, but it cant. you are very lucky to even have the opportunity to communicate with a family member you only just discovered existed. talk to her, you two might just have a lot in common and could become good friends as well as close family members