Adoption Regret...Only Those with experience?

Question

I have relative who is young and thinking about putting her unborn child up for adoption. Do any of you have adoption regret and wish you could change what you did?

Answer 1

I am LoriA and I want you to know that there are going to be great amounts of regret. There is a sense of loss that can not compare to anything else in this world. Know that before you make your decision. I had the fear of not knowing if my daughter was safe, in a good home, alive for that matter, but as for my decision, the mere thought of her having a chance in life made it all worth while. I questioned my decision but it was just that my decision and I lived with it. Rachael got everything i wished for her and more. She was slightly spoiled, well educated, safe, loved, had a huge family, and is more alive that most people I know. She has passion, respect, a very giving heart and no regrets for the way she was raised. There is an uncanny bond between us that has always been there. She is not bitter, always knew she was adopted, and felt I must have had a good reason. My remores was because I was young and adotion was so final in those days. There have been many changes to the system (although not perfect) and I think it is a very viable, acceptable solution for a strong person. It will never come with out regrets but you are not what's important here, the life of a child is. We have recently found her father who also went through his own loss over this. I want people to be aware of the bio fathers in these situations. They are just as much a parent and suffer the same real anzieties as the mothers. He is a wonderful man, who has had all the same questions and fears. They now have an uncanny bond between them. It is wonderful having both of them back in my life, but I can not say it was with out regrets.

I wish you the best of luck with your decision and hope you have the same success Rachael's father and I did.

Wouldn't change a thing,

LoriA

Answer 2

I was going to answer this but I won't because I think you will only use my words to beat her up about her choice.

Leave her alone, it is not your choice to make.  Mind your own business.

**I HAVE "real" experience with adoption.  And it is STILL none of your business.  It is NOT part of anything but its mother until it is born.  BUTT OUT!  MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!

Answer 3

http://www.exiledmothers.com/babies_take...

Answer 4

Do whatever you can to keep the child in your family. Do not let anyone brainwash you or your relative into thinking that adoption is a good thing. Adoption is traumatic for the child, the mother, and is a fracture to the whole family.

If your relative abandons her child, she will still be a mother.

If she is really too young and/or immature to be a mother (even with help) try to convince her to have an abortion if it isn't too late.

Answer 5

Uhhh!? "Leave her alone and mind your business" What kind of advice is that. Maybe she is asking people that have been thru it so she can give advice for her friend.. or h**l who knows it might be for her.

Answer 6

I do have regrets. But I never made the choice to relinquish my child, it was made for me. This really isn't something anyone but her needs to concern themselves with. Most women who relinquish their parental rights feel regret, we are human and it is a loss after all but many feel they made the right choice in spite of their feelings of loss or regret. If anyone pushes adoption or parenting on this woman and she chooses based on their opinion and not her own she risks being unhappy. It is a maternal decision best left to the mother.

***edit

I would like to add that having someone to talk it over with is a HUGE bonus. As long as that person is helping her to work out her own feelings. Trying to force their own feelings of right and wrong will just cause more trouble in the end.

Answer 7

well to what i can say to her is find a young couple that cant have childern and make sure that they are great. i know that there are a lot of adoptive parents that are not great. trust me i was in foster care for 9 years of my life. the only regret would not being able to pick the right place for that baby!

TRUST ME! my mom is a foster parent that has seen it all! any more qusetions e mail me at [e-mail]

Answer 8

if you go into my profile you will see a contact named LoriA, this is my birthmother. she may be able to help your relative with some insight of her remorse she felt, but the joy she has for the life i ended up with. she has her email there.

tell her i sent you, she will reply, it may take a day or two, but i promise she will.

whatever decision your family makes i wish you luck and peace. i am an adoptee that couldnt be happier for the choice my birthmother made.

Answer 9

I'm not sure if I'm 'allowed' to answer your question.  When you tell us who can and who cannot answer, you're only going to get one side.

I had a daughter who was adopted.  I have no regrets.  I had a wonderful experience and she's right where she needs to be.  While your relative might (or might not) be asking for your advice, in the end it's her decision, and her life will be the most affected by this, so please let her make the decision, and respect her decision.

Hope this helps~

Answer 10

As an adoptee - I have adoption regret - that my mother wasn't given the support she needed - and the people to tell her that 'yes' she would be a great mum.

Instead her mother (my grandmother) pushed her into giving me up.

I've missed her & wanted to know her every day of my life.

And now I've found her - and my father who she married after my birth - and the 3 more kids they had - and I wasn't able to grow up knowing any of them.

Yes - I have adoption regrets.

Answer 11

I've personally never done it.  But my cousin found out she was pregnant when she was young, and didn't know she was pregnant until about 6 months because she had gotten her period the whole time.  She was heading to college in the fall and didn't know what to do.  She ended up giving her baby up for adoption and to this day is happy that she gets to continue making herself the best person she can be before she had children, while still giving her child a family that can take care of him and provide for him in ways she couldn't yet.

I think there will always be times when a mother (or parent) wonders "what if" and has a pang of regret.  And that's why it's very important for your relative to think her decision over and over.  But ultimately, if she feels it's in the best interest of the baby, she will probably still feel that way 10 years from now.  That, however, won't make it easy, and there will probably be times she's upset with her decision, but that doesn't mean she would completely regret it.

Answer 12

I'm proud of you for researching this question for your young relative. I had a family member try to broach the subject of my pregnancy and she was told by an immediate family member to "mind her own business". Not good advice! My family was not hateful towards me, but their attitude of letting me make my own decision was not what I needed. I needed loving support to keep my child with me. As it was, I felt that I was making this life-changing decision in a void - without anyones input on what the consequences of separation might be. As a result, I lost my only child to adoption.

That was in 1984. I regret every single minute of it. In fact, as the years go by and the separation becomes more apparent in the awkwardness of the relationship that I now have with my adult son, the pain becomes more acute. You can not, in my opinion, "go on with your life" after losing a child to adoption. It has affected every aspect of my life from how I distanced myself from my immediate family who did not support me, or acknowledge my son and I as family, to the relationships that I later developed with men. I would only consider those who did not want children, and often could not mention to them the loss of my son for fear of being judged the horrible person that I thought myself to be.

There are many, many negative effects of losing a child to adoption, the biggest for me being the grief of not seeing my son go through all of the stages of becoming the person that he is today. I am proud of him, and I give his adoptive parents credit, but if I could turn the clock back I would never have lost him to begin with.

And this is all about me and my pain, but the child's grief and pain should take center stage in the consideration of this decision to place. What does a child feel when s/he is separated from the only person s/he has ever know pre-birth?

Please do read blogs by natural moms and adoptees and help your young relative keep her child with her. The next best thing may be to at least keep the child in the family through kinship adoption.

Edit to add: Please do look at the links posted by others above. Each of the links are very valid and should be of great help to you.

Best

Answer 13

My best friend in high school relinquished her child for adoption.  From talking with her and other birthmothers, it seems to be natural -- and healthy! -- to regret and wish and wonder about the child they placed for adoption.   That doesn't invalidate adoption as an alternative though.  My friend thought through her decision, she thought about what she would need to do if she wanted to raise the baby herself and she realized that it just wasn't possible for her at the time.  I think the biggest source of my friend's regret is that she opted for a semi-closed adoption and the adoptive family has stopped sending pictures and letters so she doesn't know what's going on with her birthdauther any longer.  My neice also relinquished her baby for adoption, and she opted for a fully open adoption.  She gets to visit her birthdaughter regularly and the adoptive family keeps in contact with her throughout the year.  I'm sure she still feels the regret and loss of not being able to raise the baby herself, but she is still a part of the child's life, which helps.

Answer 14

Yes I have regret, every single day since I lost my daughter. Coercion, lies, and so much more made me feel as if I had no choice. Here's the rub, I didn't have a choice. Once an agency is called they will do anything to get your baby. If I could change it I would, and then I would be healthy and so would my daughter. Instead of both of us suffering from PTSD and both of us in therapy

Please go to Origins-USA.org for more information or to

adoptioncrossroads.org

exiledmothers is another good site.

Answer 15

sixteen years ago, i made an adoption plan and was matched. two weeks before i delivered,  i decided to parent my son. it was the best decision i made in my life!

although i did not experience the "regret" you asked about, i believe the fear that i would forever regret my decision because  my family and i would have lost a member of our family motivated my decision to keep him. also, contrary what others believe my son was not an 'it" merely connected to me via a placenta and umbillical cord!  

sure it was hard. but when i look into my son's eyes, i know, i made the right decision.  now grant it, that decision was right for ME. and my experience can't be the same for all.

although i do support *some* adoption, i do NOT support adoption simply because young women are sold the "hype" that simply because they are young and unmarried, they are destined to be bad parents. also, (and this is strictly based on your avatar) she needs to be aware that some adoption agencies may turn her away if they have nobody who specifically wants a minority or black baby. the sad thing is that the "loving selfless banter" only works for black girls if there's a family waiting in the wings.  if not, they will send her to foster care, to place her baby if she doesn't parent.

also, why does she want to place?  is she being told that she's too young, unmarried, lack finances?  all of these things, BTW, are temporary and easily overcome.

although the decision to place is hers, in the long run, i found that many young women did mourn the decision. although some were fine with it and go on, many were not.

the only advice i will give you is to encourage her to talk to people with DIFFERENT experiences with adoption. including women who have placed, women who have parented, women who have had good experiences and women who have had bad.

i also recommend reading some of the adoptee blogs to get a perseptive from an adopted person. very often we THINK we are doing what's best for the child, but since the child can't speak up, it's good to know from an adoptee that not every adoption is optimal.

i know that's a lot to digest.  and i wish i could offer a more concrete answer for you.  but the bottom line is that she will have to make the decision that's best for her.  all i recommend is that she is well informed of ALL of her options (including changing her mind, fostering, in-family adoption, et al), and that she is also aware that open adoption agreements are NOT LEGALLY ENFORCEABLE, and that minority babies are more difficult to place.

in a nutshell, she needs to educate herself, BEFORE making an adoption plan...

i'm available via im.  please feel free to contact me privately.