Adoption/Sperm Donor Basically?

Question

I have a 3yr old boy who has a "sperm donor" (my ex husband) my husband now has been with me since I was 6 months pregnant with my son, I need to know why adult children feel the need to meet their sperm donor when they want nothing to do with them and when they already have a father that loves them. What gives you the need, how does it feel, how should I go about talking to my son about this when the time is right if there even is a right time really. I worry about this, his sperm donor is not a good man, I don't want him to have the joy of a wonderful son after what he's done and has never seen him, the ex wants my son to be able to search for him when hes 18 in his words " after all the hard work is done why wouldn't I want him to come find me?"

I know its a long time away but I can't help thinking about it now, and how I should handle it so I am prepared for what will happen.

Thank you!

Answer 1

This is a LONG post, please read the WHOLE thing before you decide how you feel about it...PLEASE.

Well, as an adopted person, I'm going to try to answer your question from my own experience.  My situation is not like yours.  I was adopted by a couple who I'm not related to in any (biological) way.  I had no way of knowing that my (natural) parents "want[ed] nothing to do with [me]".  I'm afraid it's a really common misconception that because a child was placed for adoption, the parents did not want him/her or didn't want to know him/her.  That certainly isn't true in my case.  Each of my parents wanted me very much.  My mother simply didn't have a choice (she had nowhere to live with me as my grandfather had said, "If she keeps the baby, she can not come home.") and my father actually FOUGHT to keep me but in the era that I was born (early 70s) single fathers "just didn't do that."

You already know that your ex doesn't want to be involved in raising your son.  I didn't have anyone who could tell me that.  I didn't have anyone that I looked like, talked or walked like, I didn't really have anyone I could relate to (except my younger -- also adopted -- sister).  I always wanted to know the circumstances of my birth and adoption.  Your son will have the benefit of knowing that because of you.  He may still, of course, want to know his father for his own reasons -- it would be impossible to guess what his reasons might be but please don't invalidate how he (your son) feels just because *you* have negative feelings for and experiences with his father.  If his father is the *awful* person you make him out to be (he very well may be, I'm not suggesting otherwise) your son will come to understand that in his own time and his own way.  My reunion with my natural parents has been the BEST experience of my life with regard to my adoption.  It has even brought my (adoptive) parents and I closer together.  I love ALL of my parents with all my heart.

Please don't instill your distaste for your ex-husband in your son.  Tell him the truth, of course, but try not to 'color' your explanations with the negativity of your own experience -- as valid as that is.  If your son comes to have a positive relationship with his (natural) father in the future, it's possible that your hateful words (if you choose to use them) could make your son feel really hurt and divided.  It's absolutely possible for a child to have a good relationship with two adults (parents) that do not necessarily have a good relationship (or ANY at all) with each other.

I know this may not be what you want to hear but I'm answering from the heart, from the 'inside' of my own experience.  If you are sincerely trying to learn what *might* happen -- this is one possibility.  It may be that your son has no interest at all.  I have an older brother (also adopted) who has had very little interest in an on-going relationship with his natural mother.  He did find her and the contact has not been as pleasant as mine, with my natural family.  He's at peace with it.  If your ex does not change (i.e. grow up, get real, etc.) your son may find him only to learn for himself what you now know.  If your son is an adult at that time, I would recommend that you just be there for him to come express his feelings to -- as the supportive, present, loving mom that you have been throughout his life.

Best of luck to you all!!

EDIT:  (((Bumblebee)))  Ugh!  What your EX-husband did IS awful.  I'm so glad to hear that you are keeping it (discussions of the ex) to a minimum for now.  I'm in my 30s now, and was in my 30s when I reunited with my natural family.  My mom also worried about what I might learn when/if I found my natural family.  I'd been saying I wanted to find them since I was 14 and when she said, "I think it would be better if you found them after you are all grown up and married." it used to make me so mad.  Now that I'm 'all grown up and married', I can see the wisdom in her words.  And I can understand better why she was worried -- she didn't want me to get hurt.  She didn't know what I might discover and if I might be 'rejected again' so to speak.  She didn't really have much info on my natural parents as that was not common in the 70s.  I love her deeply (as I always have) but my *understanding* of her concern is so much greater now.  And I love her MORE deeply because she weathered my adolescent 'tantrums' like a champ -- like a MOM!  :-)  Your son will know the same about you someday...and will be able to understand the more 'complete' nature of his father's hideous actions.  Best of luck to you all!

Answer 2

I have two kids living with me who adore their father despite the fact that he has done some incredibly abusive things to them, leading to them being taken away and placed in our home.  Still they ADORE this man.  I have struggled with this but have learned to respect their love for their father.  These are THEIR feelings.  This is THEIR connection.  It has been difficult but I have had to place my personal feelings for him aside and support them in their conflicting feelings of love and abandonment.  I do not have to share their feelings in order to support them and I can still respect that they love their father no matter what he does.

Even if your child does not know his father,  even if his father is a despicable person, it is completely natural that he will wonder where he came from.  He has a story.  It is his very own story and he wants to know it and own it even if it is not all good. Please remember that this is not about you or your husband. You have your own history and you can choose to deal with this man any way you want to.  But to deny your son the truth is not protecting him. If you try to keep him from knowing his father he will only resent you. At 18 he will able to judge his father's character on his own, you don't need to do this for him.

If he chooses to find his father I hope you will support him and remember that his desire to find out who he is has nothing to do with how he feels about you and your husband.  

Answer 3

Does your son know he has another dad? My parents divorced when I was 16, my mom never said a bad thing about him, I finally learned how he was and then I went from there. Your son will eventually find out about his dad and he can take it from there.  

Answer 4

You have no right to try and keep him from his father. Its as if your trying to punish your ex by using your son.  Your ex sounds like a loser but your crappy relationship with him shouldn't block him from having one with his son.  You don't own your child and you can't change biology because your regret your past mistakes.  

Answer 5

dude let the kid see his dad.  you seem like you are only thinking about all the work u do and how it isn't fair.  ur kid does not care about thisat all

Answer 6

"In all of us there is a hunger, marrow deep, to know our heritage - to know who we are and where we came from. Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning. No matter what our attainments in life, there is still a vacuum, an emptiness, and the most disquieting loneliness."  

- Alex Haley,

Author of Roots: The Saga of an American Family  

Answer 7

I have to say I agree with you. I can understand a kid wanting to find their "roots". But I can't imagine why people search for parents who abandoned them and pick up like all is well. Usually all that ends up happening is that the grown child feels abandoned all over again. (been through this). Your case isn't one of a young mother who wanted a better life for her child, it's a no good man who didn't want to be bothered.  Reading that he said "After all the work is done.." made me sick.. Where do these people come from?

Answer 8

I hope you're not referring to your son's biological father as his "sperm donor."  How demeaning.  I am sure your son will develop an inferiority complex over being conceived via a "sperm donor" for whom you have contempt now.  

Just tell your son that you made him with a different daddy from the daddy he's with now; sometimes parents do that and it's normal, because sometimes even though mommies and daddies love each other they can't live together.  But his daddy now loves him very much and is happy to be his daddy, and you and daddy will live together and raise your family.  That's all your son needs to know at this point.  

When he gets older, you can tell him that you were in love with his biological father at first, but you just couldn't make it work out, so you went your separate ways.

When he is even older and can understand the concept of people being truly horrible, you can give him more information. Tell him WHY you left his biological father.  Tell him your feelings about his biological father now.

But ultimately, it is HIS decision whether to meet and initiate a relationship with his biological father.  He's his own person, and he will make his own choice when he's grown.

In the meantime, stop telling your son he had a "sperm donor."  That's awful.  Just focus on how positive it is that he has a good daddy now who loves him.  When he starts asking more questions about his biological dad, give him information that's appropriate for his age.  Trust me, the worst thing you can do is tell him at a very young age what an awful person his biological father is.

My dad became a heroin addict and dealer a few years after I was born.  I did not have a fun time, growing up, internalizing how terrible my dad was as a child.  It would have been better for me to learn that information when I was a little bit older - like in my teen years - and was better able to understand what it all meant.

Answer 9

Why do kids feel the need to find their biological parents?

Several reasons:

1) To try and get some meaning in their lives to deal with the abandonment that they feel in their hearts.  This has NOTHING to do with you or your husband or how great their adoptive parents are/were, it has to do with an incredible feeling of being abandoned.  A child wants to "fix that," because it lingers in the heart.  It is very painful.

2) To get questions about themselves answered.  For example, maybe the child loves rocks.  The child may wonder, does my biological father love rocks too?  Do we have anything in common?  

3) At some psychological level, because they want the biological parent's love.  

I was not adopted, but I grew up in the foster system.  Even though my biological parents were abusive, I still wish I knew where they were and contemplate looking for them..  because I want the answers to #1-#3 and more.