Adoption WOW Whats next?

Question

My wife and I are starting the adoption process we are preparing for our home visit. We do have a possible maybe baby. But the birthmother says that she is also looking at another couple. However she does not return our calls or accept them anymore. She is friends with a family member and she tells her that she just has not made up her mind yet and does not want to hurt any ones feelings. Does it sound like she is just delaying the inevidable NO? My wife and i can't bear to wait any longer a no is better than the wait. it has been 2 months since she met us. HELP..

Answer 1

I can't help but feel that some of the other people answering this question must not understand how painful it is to not be able to have your own child. You and your wife are so brave to still be going through all this after 18 years!

There is no such thing as patience in this kind of situation. I would suggest that you don't continue to call her because it could make her feel pressured, which could cause her to react negatively to you.

Wait for her to come to you. In a month (if she has a month left in her pregnancy) send her a card letting her know you're sorry if you made her feel pressured.

In the meantime, look at other children to keep yourself distracted. Find someone to vent to or join a support group.

You are in my prayers.

Answer 2

Sorry, what's the question?  Does "HELP" mean you want people to tell you how to put additional pressure on a woman in a terrible, no-win situation that no one should ever have to be in?

Leave her alone.  She owes you nothing.  I'm sorry your wife needs a child so badly, but that's her problem, and this woman is not obligated to solve it for her.  

Just some advice...children will test your every last nerve, every which way they can.   If you ever do adopt you will need more patience than you ever thought any person could be expected to have.  Now would be a good time to start practicing.

Answer 3

I would suggest confronting her and letting her know how you and your wife feel, leave her a message stating that you have found another soon-to-be mother that is looking to adopt he baby out and see if that maybe help's.

I wish you all the best, and I will say a prayer for you and your wife.

Answer 4

So the mother (as she has not given birth yet and not signed the papers) is not taking your calls.  Big deal.  Lay off.  Give her space.

I wouldn't accept your calls either.  She is making a HUGE decision and maybe feeling pressure from you since you "have been waiting 18 years" and think that you so deserve this one.  She is taking care of herself.

Have you thought of this?  

Have you thought about how hard this is on her?

Have you thought about what kind of pressure you are putting on her?

Have you thought about how much SHE is going through?

put you aside for a moment and think about someone else besides you and what you "deserve"

Answer 5

everything will be ok

Answer 6

stress hurts babies. A mother in stress = a child in stress.  I don't know this woman personally but she HAS to be in stress.  Continuously calling her is not helping her in the least and its not helping your chances either.  If she can take care of her own child thats the best for the child.  Give her space as this is very hard for her.

Whats the point in forcing her decision? what about if she regrets it later (there is a possibility) and your family is dragged through the court systems and its deemed that you pressured/harassed her in to giving up the baby and the child is returned to her? you know how much pain your wife will be in then when she has already bonded with the child? think of the child being used as a ping pong back and forth.

I hope your family is able to adopt a child if its best for you and your wife and the particular child at the time.

Answer 7

Hon.. you have to accept that this is NOT YOUR BABY, until and unless the mother signs those papers.

She's not a birthmother , yet.  She is still a mother to that child, and no matter how much you and your wife hope that you will be able to be parents to this child too, you are not parents yet.  Pass along through the family member that you understand that she needs some time and space, and QUIT CALLING HER.  You've waited 18 years, another few months isn't going to kill you.

I know how hard that wait is.. I have half a head of grey hair due to the wait for our son to be born, and relinquished.

Answer 8

You've waited 18 yrs??  Puts you close to 40.  She may be factoring in that, & like me, wondering why you didn't adopt long ago.  If she's not accepting/returning your calls, I think you should move on.

Answer 9

Just PRAY!  Ask God for peace, if this one doesn't work out, then maybe the next one will!

Answer 10

All I can suggest is try to be in her shoes. She is making the biggest decision of her life. Bigger than marriage, you can take marriage back.

She may change her mind 10 times. It's her right. The last thing she needs is the feeling of owing her baby to anyone. I'd suggest, get comfortable with the idea the you may not adopt her child. I let my sons first mom know from the beggning that if we were to adopt my son, that it was for him and her and that if she did have a change of heart, we would understand.

I know the wait is long and ambiguous ,but in the end you'll feel much better knowing that this was 100% her choice, and it was all done ethicaly. And if she does chose you then just feel blessed.

Feel free to e-mail me. When we adopted our son, we weren't even looking to adopt, so thing happened fast, there was so much I wasn't prepared for.

Answer 11

18 years?   Wouldn't that make you two a wee old to parent an infant?

Count her lack of response as a NO and move on.

Answer 12

This is the number one hardest part of adopting... Not knowing and waiting and not knowing....  It's a killer!

I can only say that this is the nature of adopting and being in this situation is very stressful...

I would use this time to take a weekend vacation and focus on spring cleanning... I would NOT continue to keep calling the pregnant mother... She needs to be the one to make the decisions and you want her to make them on her own...

The last thing I would want to wonder down the line is if I somehow caused a woman to make a choice because she just didn't know how to get me off her back....

Of course, she is delaying and there is No reason to believe the outcome is inevidable--surely you have had all the training--and counseling... You must already know that a pregnant woman is a mother "to be" and that she is the mother until she decides otherwise.... Not only that but in most cases she also has some period of time to change her mind...

Not sure how this could be inevidible?

I have known people who were interviewed and Picked as a Possible adoptive placement 7-times before they sucessfully adopted... I have known people who have waited years wondering... I have known people willing to adopt the most special needs siblings with groups of 5 kids but, still sat and waited for the final word and the moment.... as if there was some contest and the competition is great!

I like to remind my pre-adoptive parents that if they find Waiting for a match or placement to be too hard to handle then maybe they shouldn't adopt because it will be a life of hurry up and wait parenting and that road is a long one...

What is eating you up is the DREAM and wanting this part to be Over.... That is the exact some spot nearly every adoptive parents live in for some period of time. It is an anxiety of UNKNOWNS with no end in sight... It isn't like you have a due date when adopting...

....and the most devastated adoptive parents are those who believe the desicion to place could ever be made before the birth....

she may not decide until the baby is born... that is her right and her choice is not inevidable no matter what information you have...there are always miricles--she may have a winning lottery ticket in her maternaty pants right now... That may change everything... She may have many things change between now and birth...

I recommend that you continue your search... if it were to happen that you were picked by two prenant women as her choice for parents---then you can decide which mother's baby you will adopt...

ETA*** Sorry but my post was ment to upset you--and hopefully help you recognize that this tone and attitude is not Parental in any way.... I worry more about the Baby then you, your wife or frankly the mother.... Children don't need to be part of the "My life was Harder" game... It is not becoming--nor is it a healthy way to parent....Nor is this fixation on the pain your wife feels and the struggle of your life loving toward your wife...  You need to be the man...Keep holding her hand and comfort her in the fact that MOST people who want to adopt find a baby or child that fits right into the family. It seems as if you are Martaring yourself...

If your wife is having problems dealing with this right now... rub her feet and pick a flower for her....

Bring her home a flower everyday until you have a baby placed.... Kiss her behind the ear and tell her you care and understand this stress sucks! But do NOT enable her to hurt more about her fertility issues or feel that YOU are suffering a hardship over this....

This is part of the process.... Honest.....

Answer 13

What's next?  How about your not trying to fool those of use who have looked up your Q'n'A into thinking you are parent material?

Good luck with that.

Answer 14

If you think adoption is your right and not a privilege then you have no business adopting. And your question is suggesting you have the right what about you, you have been waiting etc etc..

Answer 15

As hard as it is, adoption is a waiting game.  The birth mother has every right to change her mind that's adoption.  I do not believe you should be having any contact with her before the birth, or after unless she contacts you.

Waiting is awful but you must respect that her decision is 100 times more than what you are currently experiencing.  I took up new hobbies to help with the anxiety of waiting.  Good Luck.

Answer 16

I dont have an answer, just wanted to say good luck...have you thought about being a foster parents. My friends tried to adopt for a very long time and werent sucessful. They became foster parents, and now have adopted their foster children, they went from no children to having 3 kids,

Answer 17

its hard.  ive only just started to consider adoption [i am pregnant and 16] and i already am really really wrenched about everything.... i would hate to s***w around with a lovely couple, but imagine how she must feel its HER BABY... shes trying to make up what is probably the biggest descion her mind has ever had to.... she is probably all kinds of mixed up, if i know anything about how she feels....and im in the very early stages of all this.

i can imagine ur frustration but take a sec to think about her, shes doing good by trying not to hurt you or lead you on, so keep your options open as well but pray for the best and know what is meant to be will be!

Answer 18

"Do you by chance think that is any easier of a desicion on my wife and i."

Personally, yes, I DO think this is  easier on you than on the expectant mother. I have been through some c**p in my life and by far the WORST experience has been a crisis pregnancy, giving my child up for adoption, and then living with the aftermath of the adoption.

Wanting something for 18 years and not getting it is NO comparison to separating yourself from your own child. None. at. all.

If she is not accepting or returning your calls, back off and give her space. If she's saying things like she's afraid to hurt anyone's feelings, it's obvious she's feeling pressure to relinquish her child. ANYONE applying that pressure is being unethical. YOU'RE not in crisis here--SHE is. SHE AND HER BABY take top priority over everything.

Answer 19

I have adopted before and know how much the wait sucks.  We are actually waiting to adopt our second child.  It really sounds to me like she is leaning towards the other couple.  I would not pressure any more.  If she is still considering you guys, you don't want to make her feel pressured. It will only push her away even more.

Answer 20

Until the relinquish documents are signed, which doesn't occur until after the birth, this woman is the baby's mother, not the baby's birthmother.  As the baby's mother, whatever she needs to do through this process is more important than anything else that takes place.  She is making the decision about giving up her own flesh and blood child!  You may be impatient, but she's making a heart-wrenching decision that will affect her life and her child's life...forever.  

Please try to think of it from this point of view while you are waiting.

ETA:

Yes, prayer, understanding and patience are good tools.

ETA:

My post was by no means meant to upset you and  I apologize if it did.  I am incapable of having children, so I do understand how hard it is to be on that end of it, too.  That said, being the mother of this child puts her in a more difficult position because she's the one who has to make the decision.

Answer 21

OMG two months? Wow that is too long...

Oh wait a second, this woman is finding a home for her CHILD. Two months is too long to wait for an answer on a used car, dog, loan, insurance adjuster, job offer, credit card application, new washer and dryer, gerbil, cat to eat the gerbil, coyote to eat the cat... get where I am going.

She has the right to take however long she needs to find PARENTS for her BABY. If you can't wait for the answer then start trolling for a new "birthmum", "tummy mummy", "girl in trouble", "saint, soon to be sinner" whatever icky term you want to use.

Answer 22

I think you should look at several options to adoption and not put all your eggs in one basket.  You do have a chance at not getting this baby but there are several more out there that need parents just as much as you want to be a parent.  There are a lot of children in the foster system already.  I do recommend a younger child though...since older ones seem to come with a lot of baggage...unless you don't care about that.  It is just easier (in my experiences) to bond with a younger child who is not always thinking about birth parents and wanting to go back to an abusive relationship.  You can start out by providing foster care for a child or doing respite on the weekends, if you work.  You have a chance to meet the child and then know what you are getting into.  This can be hard at time if the child is returned home but some of them are not.

At least get your name into some places and broaden your search.

Answer 23

Get the message, she doesn't want you.  Why have you been waiting 18 years?  Bet there is a good reason.

Answer 24

Sounds like she has already decided..and it's not you...She is probably too scared to tell you in person  (like you said, "she doesnt want to hurt anyones feelings" - I think that's a big clue), maybe hoping you will give up and stop calling eventually.

Have you been waiting over 18 years to be chosen.  I think if it hasnt happened for you yet, you got to ask the question....

What's wrong with us?  Personally, by the way you sound, you are giving off a "needy vibe" which could scare a lot of people.  It's hard not being able to produce your own children, but there must be a better way to get a child than pressuring a poor pregnant girl who is probably agonising over the biggest decision of her life.  I think you should move on and leave her in peace.

Answer 25

There are so many children in foster care that would love to have parents and a home. You haven't seen a single child in all these years that appealed to you?

Answer 26

Doesn't except your calls?! - perhaps she's feeling complately harrassed by your calls.

Sure - I can understand how the wait can be hard.

Put it this way - if you hassle this young mother to relinquish her child - how will you ever know in your heart that the relinquishment & subsequent adoption were completely ethical??

How could it not then be said that your pleas for a decision to relinquish were not in some way coercive to her decision making process???

How could you then look your adopted child in the eye - without knowing that you somehow held power over his/her bio mother - and forced their separation???

For now - this child is hers.

And it will remain hers until she signs her rights away - if she does decide that route.

I do hope that when you eventually do get to adopt - that you will honor the first family - and not try to make the child fill a hole that can never be filled.

An adoptee comes with his/her own genetic make-up - and can not be molded just to fit your needs.

An adoptee also needs to know - personally - the family they have come from - to help with the adoptees concept of self worth and self identity.

Please - be patient.

If this child does not come to you - it was not meant to be.

If a parent can parent their own child - that is what is best for the child - if there is no harm present.

Adoption should be about the best interests of the child - not about what you want.

Sorry - blunt I know - but that's how it's supposed to be.

Do not pin all your hopes on this one baby - that is unfair for the mother and for the baby.

I wish you and your wife all the best in the future.

Answer 27

She doesn't need to be worrying about your problems.   This is between her and her child.  She doesn't need any guilt trips or persuasion from you and she certainly doesn't owe you or anyone else her child

Leave her alone to make her own decisions and stop bugging the poor woman.

Answer 28

It is NOT equally hard for you.

The biological mother, if she places her child, will be losing her child.  You, on the other hand, are gaining a child, and not to sound crude, but ANY child would fill the need you have for a child, not just that child.

Does that make sense?  Her loss would be worse because she would be losing her child.  Your loss is not the same because, six months from now, if you have the chance at adopting another child, well that child will fill the gap in your life that you think this child will fill.

I hope that is clear.

Answer 29

My husband and I are in the waiting phase of adoption, so - believe me - I know how hard the waiting is.  We've been married for 10 years, so our dreams of a family have been there at least that long.

Having said all of that - and believe me, I really do know - at this point, the best thing to do is to back off the mother a little bit.  It's true - she's not a birthmother.  She is a mother, making a decision for her child.  She has every right to change her mind, and really, doesn't owe an explanation.

I am a PAP, and also the daughter of a birthmother.  During the this whole process, I'm keeping most of my focus on the woman who will be my child's birthmom, making sure she is taken care of to the best of my ability.  We haven't been matched yet, so I'm still speaking hypothetically.  But, every time I try to imagine her, I picture my mother at 19.  My mom is the most incredible woman I know - smart, successful, sweet, honest, full of integrity.  How would I have wanted her treated?  Certainly not in the manner she actually was treated then. Most of all - how do I want my child's mother to be treated?  Because one day my child will be grown - and will want to know these things. And because it's the best thing to do for my child.

From the PAP perspective, a pre-birth match is always risky. The mother has every right to change her mind - this is her baby, and her baby alone, until TPR and waiting periods are completed.

Give her some space, as difficult as that may be.  You and I will never know the pain she is going through to make this decision, or the pain that she will always have.  My mom placed her son over 40 years, has never regretted the decision - and still has pain.  The pain of infertility is in the loss of that dream of a child - the loss of a potential.  It is painful, and something to be grieved.  But it doesn't compare.

IMPORTANT: Do not, as someone else suggested, call her and tell her you have another "offer," like you are trying to force her hand.  The ONLY thing you should ever be with her is completely, totally, 100% honest.  Think about what this woman is contemplating - the very least PAPs would owe her is their honesty.

Answer 30

So what are you saying???

I am sorry but this woman is not ready and there is nothing you can do to change her mind. I know how the wait is but this IS still her baby. You need to move on because you are going to drive yourself NUTS!!!

Consider how this woman must feel.....the heart-wrenching decision she is faced with. The emotions she must be feeling.

It must be exhaustive!!! Havig to talk to you and your wife must be excruciating. Can you imagine how this would be for someone? And what about the father? Is he also onboard with the adoption plan? These are all serious things you need to consider. Leave her be.....he is she interested she will contact you.