Adoption agency questions!!??

Question

Ok, so I'm 17 but will be 18 in about 7 months next March. Now, my biological half-brother (19 yrs.) contacted me and we've been talking and reconnecting with each other and our 5 other siblings. We've also gotten a hold of our mother, and the past few days have been the best of my life! But I need to know... is all this legal? My adoptive parents are worried we're breaking laws... But I don't know. I mean.. WE contacted HER, not the other way around.. So isn't that legal? Can I go up and visit her? Can I see my siblings? Or do I actually have to wait until I'm 18???

Answer 1

Even if it is illegal, someone would have to complain to the law.  Surely your local law enforcement has better things to do than keeping track of such.

Your AParents may be feeling a little insecure and grasping at straws to try to regain a little control. (probably unconciously)  Try to be sensitive to their feelings and maybe include them as much as possible.

Relax and enjoy.

Answer 2

There are no laws preventing searching or contact.  The government and society think there are laws because of either mutual registries requiring the adoptee to be of an adult age, or the rare original birth certificate laws that also tend to require an adoptee be of an adult age... but anyone can seek out anyone legally, until the other person says no and follows up with harassment charges.

Answer 3

The only reason its illegal is because of the AP's.

If your a-parents don't report it, no judge in there right mind would ever touch this discriminating law involving someone your age.

I would really becareful of what your a-parents are saying because they may be trying to frighten you into staying away from your mother.  They know your at an age where you can make up your own mind and can't fight you on it because they'll risk emotionally pushing you into your mother's arms.

Answer 4

I seriously doubt that it is illegal for you to visit your biological brother, or to search for your birthfamily, even if you are under 18.

There are many adoptees that searched for their first family before they turned 18, most with the full support of their adoptive family, and I've never heard of anyone going to jail for it!

In the US, we have the right of free association.  Meaning, the government can't tell us who we can talk to and who we can't.  

I can't see where you are breaking any laws. Encourage your adoptive family to do more research on adoptee searches.  It's very normal and very understandable to want to seek out your first family.  There is nothing strange or unusual about that; it certainly doesn't mean that you love your adoptive family any less!  

Love isn't finite.  There's plenty to go around and there's nothing wrong with having more family.

I know there are some forums for support and education for adoptees and adoptive parents about reunion.  Please check them out.

Best of luck to you.

Answer 5

If you have your adoptive parents blessings you are good to go. if your first mother doesn't want contact with you she will have to tell you so and you should respect her wishes, but that doesn't mean you have to give up any other relatives that may want contact with you.

Try not to go too fast. Reunion is harder than some people think. I've been doing it successfully for 9 years. I'm not adopted, I'm a first mom and my daughter found me. Her parents were behind her 100%. Their only fear was that she would get hurt. ANY NORMAL PARENT WILL HAVE THIS FEAR. We dont' want to see our children hurt. It sounds like your parents are only being cautious, don't blame them for that, respect them for it, their your parents.

go slowly, be logical, and enjoy as much family as you can get your hands on.

Good Luck.

Answer 6

Hi LilyAnne,

Congratulations on connecting with your relatives!  That's very exciting.  I remember when I first found mine.  

There is free association in this country.  That means anyone may contact anyone else unless there is a restraining order in force.  Contrary to what some may believe, adoption is NOT the same as an order of protection.

Your other family members are the same as any one else in society.  If your parents don't approve of you hanging out with them, then they can put restrictions on that the same way they would any friend of yours they didn't want you hanging around with.  Connecting with natural family members in not illegal no matter who makes contact first.  If your adoptive parents do have a problem with this, you may have to wait until you are 18 to pursue this further.  Then they will have no legal say over what you do anymore.  Hopefully it won't come down to that though.

I have found that the adoptive parents who have problems with adoptees reuniting with their families tend to be insecure with their roles in their adoptive children's lives and afraid of being replaced.  They also tend to be uneducated on adoptee issues as far as searching & reunion.  You might encourage them to learn more on the subject through books or adoptee blogs so they can understand it's perfectly natural to want to know your roots & heritage.

I don't know how your adoptive parents feel.  You might need to reassure them that you still love them.  Nothing will take away all those years you had together with them.  If you sense they are still feeling threatened in some way, perhaps they could try thinking of your other family members as they do your adopted extended relatives - more people to love, without taking anything away from them.  Good luck.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 7

Hi LilyAnne,

Ok now i have more time to chat, no its not illegal to see your mom.

Seriously, you are going to need some support through this.   I highly recommend you going to

http://www.adultadoptees.org/

The focus at this board is exclusively on adoptees.  Its a safe place to share experiences, get advice, and get support.  They even have a teen board.  I worry that some ignorant people here will offer you lame advice and try to lay a guilt trip on you.  It is completely normal to want a relationship with your First Family and i hope your adoptive parents can become more supportive of that.

Best wishes and happiness in your reunion:)