Adoption and Discipline...?

Question

Follow up from Gaia's question earlier. We have an adopted toddler. He is just starting to get into the independent stage. I would describe us as relatively strict....we address behavior immediately as often as possible with time outs. We are not using spanking as a discipline technique. When I ask him to do something or stop some behavior, he will frequently respond with 'no' and wave his arm like a punch. He has also started stomping his feet and falling to the floor in tantrums. At 1 1/2 years old, does he *know* what he is being placed in time out for? Does he get it that I want him to not say 'no' and to not 'hit' at me? As soon as he is out of time out, he will usually start it again the next time I have a request. We have only been doing time out for about 1 1/2 weeks, but for the exact same behavior each time. We warn him for the first time, sit him in time out for 2 min. afterwards, and explain both at start and finish.

Answer 1

You said you were relatively strict...perhaps you should try to ease up a little? (providing it's when it's safe to do so, of course!)

Your child is starting to become independent, he is exploring, he is developing into his own little person.  He needs room to grow.  If he is not doing anything that will cause himself harm, try hanging back and letting him get into things, let him do what 2 year olds do.  I'm not saying give him the run of the house, but you don't have to be a drill sargeant, either.

The best way to deal with my kids' tantrums when they were little was to ignore them.  The first tantrum was their last.  When they realized that Mommy wasn't going to react, they very quickly looked for another way to get my attention.

Answer 2

just like tell him to cool it and then walk away.

Answer 3

it will take some time but try doing consequences like taking some of his toys away until he shows that he will not do it. Its good that you dont' spank him because then he will have less respect for you (or thats what might happen)

Answer 4

Sounds like you've got terrible two's coming on!  

I was a parent to only one of my three children at that age, and he was a pretty easy child, I fully admit.  When he would throw tantrums, I would ignore him (as long as it was safe/fesiable).  Tantrums can get reinforced by parental attention and it's no fun to pitch a fit without an active audience!  

The strategies with offering an alternative (kick the ball, bite the cracker) worked well too.  So did allowing some control by presenting two acceptible choices (Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?).  

But what you're describing sounds very normal and healthy.  Take heart, it will get better!

Answer 5

Watch Super Nanny that is a great show.  Also whether the child is biological or adopted some children are just stronge willed, there is a great book, I believe called "Strong-willed Child" a good read for a parent who is raising a child who, well believes they are always right and the boss.

Answer 6

On a child this age, hug therapy works great!  Simply pick the child up, preferably from behind, like you're going to sit down with him in your lap.  Then hold him snugly, telling him you love him, and it hurts you to be hit, and that you aren't going to tolerate it.  Tell him, you'd much rather be hugged.  Be careful, a few toddlers will try to use their head as a weapon and bang you in the mouth.  A few minutes is long enough, and try to get a hug before they get down.  With kids who've been hit before, they'll be a little resistant to it, however, the positive re-inforcement should work.

Answer 7

He responds with "NO" because it's what he hears and because he's asserting his independence.  Seeing it as a normal part of his psychological growth makes it less frustrating.  

I used to fall on the floor right next to my child, kicking & screaming.  He's stop his tantrum and look at me as if to say "What are you doing?!"  

Try getting some books on child development & behavior.

It's not the lack of spanking that allows children to misbehave or run amok. It's the absence of DISCIPLINE - which doesn't have to include physical harm.

Spanking is for parents who are too lazy to PARENT their children; can actually be counter productive; happens when we're too tired to effectively deal with our children's needs: simply don't know what ELSE to do. Dog trainers don't hit their dogs, for gosh sakes! Yet we are still hitting our children?  Check out the following web sites, especially the one, 22 Things to Do Beside Loosing It!

http://nospank.net/pt2008.htm

http://www.nospank.net/wepsk.pdf...

http://nospank.net/nurture.htm

http://nospank.net/jhunt4.htm

http://www.alice-miller.com/index_en.php...

Gotta fly...will write more later...

Good luck!

ETA: Great ideas, Andraya.  I was going to mention re-directing the child's attention, also.

I learned much from my son (who is autistic) about patience (mine) & persistence (his). It's his tantrums that I used to mirror (as I mentioned above). Sometimes I ignored his tantrums. But for those times we had an appointment to get to, that technique quickly moved him in another direction & off of his tantrum.  He's now a well mannered young adult.  

Best wishes to you & your family!

Answer 8

Try to figure out why he's getting so angry and address it before trying to change him and his behavior.  It could be a bonding issue that you may be passing off as "independence".

Answer 9

With my daughter I use certain language tricks to make my point clear.

For example.

No hitting Mommy! You may hit this drum.

Teeth are not for biting Mommy! You may bite this cracker.

No kicking Mommy! You may kick this ball.

While time outs can work at this age they aren't old enough to understand action = reaction so redirection tends to work better. Around 26 months they start to get that a time out is a consequence for bad behaviour.

Also at this age they have zero concept of time. Using an egg timer for the time outs has worked well for us as has using the exact same spot (a foam chair that is in the middle of the hallway away from distraction, this chair is used only for time outs). When time out starts I set the timer and when it goes off I let her out of her chair, every time she gets up she is put back in the chair and the timer is reset. A general rule is one min. per year of the child's age, so at 1.5 a 1 min. time out is sufficient. Giving them the timer lets them have some power over their punishment as well as giving them a very clear understanding of when the time out is over.

Answer 10

Hi Tickled Blue,

This has been my bible for the past 10 years.

http://www.amazon.com/Discipline-Without...

What i find that works the best, is to point out a "yes" behavior.  As parents we unknowingly say NO way more than we say YES.  So what i tried to do was point out two YES's for every NO i said.  

As a warning you say "no" show him what a "yes" is.  That way you are kind of giving him the choice.  If he insists on picking the "no" behavior then he will get a timeout.  I remember saying "choose wisely" more times than i can remember.  It is a ton of work.  He is going to test the heck out of you.  It usually lasts a few days then they get tired of it, IF you remain consistant.  I find that the key to really good parenting is being consistant.  

I also try to limit the amount of rules.  Just drive home the important ones, ie hitting, biting, etc.  As an abuse survivor, i feel i can not give an unbiased opinion on the matter of spanking.  I just choose not to do it.

Keep in mind i have 5 girls, sooooo clueless to boys:P

Hope my advice helps.