Adoption and race..?

Question

I am a PAP, and I'm not going to apologize for wanting a family some day and wanting to be a good mother and love a child..

I'd like to say upfront that the race of the child does NOT matter to me AT ALL, absolutely not..

BUT, I do happen to be caucasian.. And let's say that I end up marrying a caucasian, brown hair light skin, brown eyes, just like me..

is it harder for the CHILD to grow up with parents of another race.. in that.. does it make the whole "feeling like they belong in this family" "Feeling like they fit in.. I mean it must be hard enough being adopted.. but does it make it even more difficult FOR THE CHILD (race absolutely does not matter to me).. I really want the child to feel like they "belong" in my family.. Every child deserves a family and that sense of belonging.

So? What do you think? I'd especially like opinions of adoptees who were raised by APs of another race..

Please no attacks.. Please believe what I said that it doesn't matter to ME..

Answer 1

Not really sure, but my bro and his wife adopted two mixed children, who look black..we are white..They are loved just like all the other nieces and nephews, and grandkids...So, I say go for it..

Answer 2

I think each race has particular customs that one should never be without. It's what makes us who we are. I believe that if you adopted a child of color, particurlary a (black child) that child wouldn't be able to get the all around customs that the child would get with a black family. Would you know what to do with their hair? What if they get made fun of by their black peers when they get to school for having white parents, or are not accepted because of it? What if their peers don't think their black enough? There are too many what ifs. I think you should try to adopt a white baby that can relate to your family when he/she grows up. Then if that doesnt work, maybe an asian baby or a mexican american baby. That's just my personal opinion. Those are my two cents and if somebody doesn't like it, or is too sensitive to accept that, then they shouldn't have been answering this question anyways.

Answer 3

My son is only 3, and was born in Guatemala (Hispanic); me in the USA (Caucasion).  He hasn't asked questions yet.  He goes to a really diverse school, and he already knows that all families are different.  I do believe when he is older it will be an issue (big-little; good-bad, I'm not sure, but there will be one).

Answer 4

It certainly can be harder being a difference race.

Here are links to adoptee blogs -

http://www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index...

Read down the list - and I'm sure you'll get an idea who are the TRA adoptees. (TRA = trans-racial adoptee)

Either way - you'll have to come to an understanding that even if looks are similar - genetic differences in personality and talents will still be there - they just won't be as 'in-your-face'.

I look like my bio brother in some ways. But we are very very different in every other way. It pissed me off no end when I was told - 'oh you look alike - they made a good match' - because this denied the truth that I was from a different family - and I always had to pretend to fit in - for every elses sake. KWIM?

Adoptees all 'want' to fit in.

Many spend their entire lives trying to 'fit in'.

I think that if you're always truthful - know that the adoption is completely ethical - allow the adoptee to know their first family if at all possible - allow the adoptee to know their truth - and love the adoptee for who they are and not who you want them to be (they will never be a mini-you....that just can't happen) -

then you'll go much further with the 'fitting in' part than if you didn't do these things.

But yes - being a different race - adds a whole other dimension to being an adoptee. Their are many more losses involved as well. Absolutely.

ETA: oops - I meant I look like my adopted brother - he's the bio child of my adoptive parents.

It's late - sorry!

Answer 5

My husband and I are both caucasian, we have adopted a African American baby who is now 18 months.  We also, just found out that we will be able to adopt a 15 month old who is caucasian.  They both have been in our home since the were newborns, our 18 month old we adopted through an agency in Texas, our 15 month old we will be adopting through the foster care system.  We love them both the same and love our little mixed race family...we have other African Americans in our community, so I do not see why it would be such a problem.

RACE DOESN'T MATTER TO US EITHER!!!

Answer 6

There are challenges unique to adopting transracially.  These things are not insurmountable by any means, but they are things to take into consideration.

Our society is not colorblind, nor is our society accepting of differences.  A transracial family is noticed anywhere you go, not necessarily in a bad way, but not always in a good way either.  

Children will experience racism, discrimination and prejudice and they will experience them in a way that you, as a caucasian, will not.  It's important to understand that concept.  A great exercise is to go to a place where you will be the only Caucasian person in the room.  It's a rather odd feeling, but it's important to experience it, because more often than not, that is what your child will experience.  It's important to have that understanding.

It is also critical that your child have role models of his/her own race to meet, know and identify with.  This may mean changing your church, or changing where you socialize, but it is important for self-esteem.  

I'm speaking to adopting African or African-American children here, but there are aspects of grooming, hair care, skin care, etc, that are very different than caring for "white" skin/hair.  It is essential that you become educated on these needs and that you take the time and effort to make sure that your children have moisturized hair/skin, as well as teach them to do this themselves.  I can't braid or do cornrows, so we take my daughter to an ethnic salon.  (Remember what I said about being the only Caucasian in a room?)  It costs money and takes time, but it's vitally important to your children's self esteem.  

There are many many more things to consider, but this is just a start.  I recommend a couple of great books: Inside Transracial Adoption, In Their Own Voices.  Great reads if you are considering a transracial adoption.

Good luck!

Answer 7

Don't know what a PAP is, don't care.  If you adopt a child and provide him or her with the love that all children deserve, the rest of the world doesn't matter.  Sadly, there will always be idiots out there who don't get it, but a happy life with parents (or a parent) who love you is all that matters.  You are going in the right direction, just forget about what anyone else thinks.  We are insignificant in the long run.  Best of Luck...

Answer 8

Almost 30 years ago, my husband and I adopted an infant girl who is a different race than we are.  I thought that since it didn't matter to ME, it wouldn't matter to the child--you know, I thought that LOVE would conquer ALL.  I had done a lot of research and reading about adoption but there wasn't a lot of info out there about it--before the age of the internet.  In the end, love did conquer all but in the middle, there were some major challenges.  Our daughter DID feel like she didn't fit in race-wise and she especially felt this difference at family gatherings where she was the only one of her race present.  She says she didn't feel less love, just different.  In school, some of the kids called her a coconut--white on the inside and brown on the outside.  The hispanic kids KNEW she wasn't hispanic--she didn't speak Spanish and hadn't lived the culture--and the white kids KNEW she was Mexican because she had brown hair, beautiful brown eyes and brown skin.  She felt like she didn't fit in with either RACE but in reality, she had many friends of ALL races because the kids didn't base their friendship on race but it WAS how SHE felt. She was actually a popular kid in school (voted most popular).  Luckily, she was a very verbal child and could articulate her feeling well and we could talk about it.  

I think that how we deal with our issues plus the sum of our experiences makes us WHO we are.  Once she figured out who she was (in junior high), things settled down for her. Junior high is hard enough for most kids but she had extra things to deal with that made it harder for her.

Everyone has issues that challenge us in life and adoption is just one of them.  How we handle the issues and work thru it will either make us stronger or NOT.  I'm proud of my daughter for being able to work thru the issues of her life and be the wonderful person that she is.  She's the apple of my eye and the light of my life.  She's a happily married woman who's given me a wonderful grandson and a grandchild on the way. Did I mention I was proud?

Answer 9

what matters to me is that they feel loved... I believe its all in the way you raise your child on if that child is one day going to be angry and hurt that they were adopted or understanding and appreciative on being adopted...  Good luck and tons of blessings on when the time comes were you giving your love and your life for a child...

Answer 10

I can see that, from a PAP or APs point of view, it would not matter, a child is a child and they love them whatever.

However, what really matters is how the adoptee feels and the only way you can gauge that is to speak with transracially adoptees about how it feels

There are plenty of blogs out there from transracial adoptees and also videos on youtube.   ONe in particular of a girl who looked into the mirror and saw a white girl looking back at her (she was korean)  Yes.  It matters to the adoptee, alot.

Great insightful question

Answer 11

Wholelottacats, Jennifer, and Mixed be had great advice.  Not much i can add but this:

It was extremely important to my oldest daughter(1/2 italian and 1/2 african american) that she had someone in her family that looked like her.  I've heard over and over again that if you adopt from a different race you should adopt two children.  That way they can be there for each other in ways that you cannot be.  Best of luck to you.

Answer 12

yes, it mattered to me, and cause me A LOT of confusion.

Answer 13

Statistically speaking, yes it is harder for a child to grow up in a multiracial home. There are more challenges for them in creating an identity for themselves.

That being said, it still CAN be done. The children just have to learn how to adapt and not really think about race. There are lots of good multiracial families out there, it just will take a little more work :)

Good luck to you and whatever you decide!

Answer 14

I think if you want the child to fit in better in your family, you could adopt from Europe because almost everybody is caucasian there, but Germany is dominant for blonde hair and blue eyes(Just to let you know).

I totally understand what you mean.

Answer 15

I'm also a PAP, and will be adopting transracially.  There are a lot of added layers to the issues your family would face - but just like everything else, doing the research and the reading - and being completely honest with yourself - is vitally important.

IMHO - before considering a transracial adoption, there are a couple of things you have to realize:

1 - Race does matter.  For most of my life, at least in my head, I would say "race doesn't matter to me" a lot.  In my friends, my boyfriends, my coworkers, my bosses - it wasn't something that made a difference one way or the other.  But when you start to look at it from the perspective of parenting a child of another race - it's can actually be a really dismissive statement.  My child's race will be a part of who they are, their identity.  I want them to be proud of who they are, and I can't keep saying "it doesn't matter" - because it matters A LOT.  It doesn't make a difference in how I will love them, or how I will interact with them.  But it is who they are.

2 - You will have to deliberately make specific choices in order to provide them opportunities to experience their own culture.

3 - You will become a "conspicuous family."  Like it or not - your family is not really going to blend in.  There will be people watching you, trying to "figure it out."  Not only will you have to get used to that - you will have to have some idea of how you will handle this when your child has questions.

4 - You can't just pretend that your child isn't of another race.  It goes back to #1 - this is who they are.  You'll have to be comfortable talking about this with them.  You'll have to make it something that your child feels they can come to you about, without you sweeping it under the rug (not because you don't care, but because you want to protect them from it - but you can't protect them from it.)  Like everything else in adoption - it's all about the honesty.

5 - Take a good, honest look at your life.  Is yours the only family in your close circle of friends and family that will look like this?  Will there be any specific people who your child will have as role models?  Will they be the "only one"? While answering "no" doesn't mean you can't do it, it should give you pause.  

6 - Talk to your family/close friends. You may be surprised at the support you receive - or at the concerns you hear.  

There are some really great books out there on Transracial Adoption.  The first is written from the perspective of a transracially adopted adult - "Black Baby White Hands: A View from the Crib" by Jaiya John.  Very intense, definitely will make you think.  Not a hearts-and-roses-and-balloons adoption story, but well worth the read - because this is real.  Also, Inside Transracial Adoption.  There are a few others, but I don't have the list right now.

Having said all of this - it can definitely be done!  Two of my closest friends - friends since we were in elementary school - are TRAs.  I have spoken to them a lot as my husband and I have been on this journey.  A lot of my views have changed over the course of my research, but I look to them for my inspiration - and feel confident that this is the path I am supposed to be on.

ETA: I was coming from the point of view of how I approached it in the beginning - saying race didn't matter to me.  I wasn't assuming what you meant, which is why I said "I said this my whole life."  And I meant the "generic" you - not the "specific" you.  You, in this case, includes me - these were things I had to come to realize, too.

Answer 16

You have gotten a lot of great answers already: Wholelottacats, Jennifer L, Possum, Heather H, Gershom, School Nurse, and I'm sure I'm missing some. I won't go over too much what they said, because they have given you a lot of great things to think about.

I think it is not so much the problem of having the child feel like they belong in your family -- if you raise them well they probably mostly will (though as Possum points out that can be a problem for any adoptee, not just transracial). The bigger problem is whether they will feel like they belong to the race/ethnicity they were born to. When they are teens and adults they will be viewed and treated as what they look like, not what their adoptive family looks like. They will be the subject of racism and will not have their parents' "white privilege" to protect them. Like any person of color, they will have to be comfortable in their own skin and able to cope with racism on a daily basis. They will need to have friends of color so that they can "let their hair down" and just be.

And that can be hard for a transracial adoptee, because many times when they are raised by white parents they have a self-image as a white person. And with their parents they often are sort of treated that way. But out in the world they will be treated as the race the appear to be, and they will need to develop a strong self-identity as a member of >that< race. And this can be a difficult struggle.

For instance, just a few days ago there was a question from an adult adoptee (over 30), born in Chile and adopted by white parents in the USA. She wasn't sure if it would be "wrong" to say she is "of Hispanic background," as she had grown up considering herself to be white. So clearly it is hard and confusing for at least some adoptees.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

So it is fine to say that race does not matter to you -- and it shouldn't -- but as you recognize, this isn't just about you. Race can matter an awful lot to the child you adopt and the teen and adult they become. Race still matters in our society (and all societies I know about). Racism is still a huge issue -- getting smaller, but still huge.

Another issue to think about is that your child might be ridiculed or ostracized by some of their race for not being "black enough," not speaking Spanish or Cantonese, all sorts of things, depending on their ethnic background. They may face all sorts of issues of racism that adoptive parents of a different race or ethnicity would be ill-equipped to prepare them for (particularly white adoptive parents).

So it can be a big issue and a big challenge and it isn't something to be entered into without a lot of thought. And it sounds as if you are giving it a lot of thought, so that is a great start.

Answer 17

well i was adopted and their is nothing wrong with it im 18 my parents now are 69-60 years old

Answer 18

I had a friend who adopted a little black boy (she was white).  He's 14 now, and a very well adjusted child.  She never tried to tell him their family was just like everyone else's.  Instead, she focused on the fact that there's nothing wrong with being a little different.  Now he's on the honor roll, plays football and soccer at school, and has better manners than any teenager I have ever met.  

Interracial adoptions are just fine for the kids - as long as you handle it correctly.

Answer 19

I will be the first to tell you that the race of the child should not matter at all! To me, it is NOT harder for a child to grow up with parents of another race. You want to know how I know this? I know from personal experience. I was given up for adoption when I was three months old. My birthmother was Caucasian and my father was of mixed race. Now, mixed with what....I will never know.

When I was adopted, I was adopted by a Caucasian family. But, NEVER do I remember not feeling like I belonged. Sure, I knew that there might be a slight difference, which has to do with the color of skin. But I never felt like an outcast. I never felt like I was loved less, etc. People have asked me "Do you remember when you find out that you were adopted or when your parents told you?" Nope, I can't remember at all. I don't know what age I may have asked the question, which I am sure that I did. All I can say is that to this day I am so thankful to be loved and supported by my family. I call them my family because I know none other than them! I have three wonderful, loving brothers and two great parents.

I feel that as long as the child is accepted for who they are, you are honest and upfront with their past or where they came from, they are going to be just fine. It's when you hide things or make the child feel indifferent that their feelings will be even harder for them to come to terms with.

I am so glad that you are considering adoption. I am so glad that you are considering any type of adoption in regards to race. If you do follow through, love the child as your own and provide them with guidance, love, and support. They will be just fine. Remember....they are going to be glad to feel so important and be a part of a family. They are going to realize all the good that you have done for them! Best wishes......

Answer 20

I disagree. It's not statistically harder for a child in a mixed race family to grow up - assuming that the parents are prepared to deal with racism as it exists in the US today.

We can't be color blind as a family we have to be color conscious.

http://www.adoptive-parenting.com/biraci...