Adoption anger????????????????

Question

Hi,

Please don't get upset with me I realize this is a controversial subject. I feel I need to ask though. My husband and I plan to adopt. The reason we plan to adopt is because, we want to help a child. Since I have been searching the net for info I have seen a lot of adopted people that are mad. Some of them even end up resenting there adoptive parents.

Well the child I am considering adopting is going to be put up for adoption no matter what. So if I don't adopt the child someone else will because, the birth parents have made up their mind. So I would like to give this child a good and loving home. What I want to know is what is the anger from and can I prevent it. Will keeping in touch with the bm so we can find her when the baby wants to help. I don't want the baby to hate his/ her birth mother either. She is in a bad situation and she does want what is best for her baby. What can I do to prevent the baby from growing up angry or should we not adopt? Thanks Mich

Answer 1

A lot of the anger surrounding adoption for the adoptee has to do with lies, and a lack of information.

In my case, I found out that a great deal of the information given to both sets of parents by the agency that placed me were outright lies.  

I have no ability to access my original birth certificate.

I have no way of knowing if my husband, (also adopted) is a first or second degree relative of mine.

I do not have a complete medical history, and my husband has NO medical history.

Our only child is also adopted.

We chose to keep his adoption as open as possible.  His mother was in a similar situation as the mother of the child you plan to adopt.  I'd love to chat privately with you about our open adoption experiences.  Our son has enough love for all of his parents, and your child will too.  You can e-mail me via my profile.

Good luck!

Answer 2

Don't let any of that change your mind about adopting. i think what you are doing is great. yeah there are the occasional cases where they hate their adoptive parents but the same thing happens with children who are with their real parents. Also i think it is always a good idea to let the child know when they are young that they are adopted. that saves them from the big shock when they get older and they can get used to the thought of it when they are little. hope this helps and i say you should really go through with it. you will be changing a childs life.

Answer 3

The mere fact that you want to research such issues means you're a lot further along the way to being a great adoptive parent than some people ever get.  

I am angry, but I don't resent my adoptive parents; I resent the system that doesn't think I need my identity or medical histories. I think an open adoption would be a good idea, if possible, and that if the mother names the baby, that name ought to be kept.  Get all the medical records and histories you can, and be prepared to talk to the child about adoption, even when s/he doesn't bring it up, over and over again.

Answer 4

i would just say you need to be very upfront about the adoption, and make sure no difference is given to them then any children you have of your own

Answer 5

If you do end up adopting this child (not born yet?), a good start would be to begin to use respectful language when referring to his/her mother. She is not a bm (usually associated with bowel movement).

If she has not signed relinquishment papers she is not a birthmother yet, please give her the space to be a mother-to-be for now.

And she may not like being called a "birth" mother when and if she signs relinquishment papers. PLEASE read why some women object to that term here --> http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

The parents-to-be will need space to make their decision again after their child is born. Please do not pressure them or try to make them feel guilty about your needs. Many parents simply cannot part with their babies once they see them and hold them. I get the feeling that you think that this is a "done-deal". Please protect yourself and take into consideration that they may have a change of heart.

After they make their final (uncoerced) decision to give their baby up for adoption, by all means, you should consider adopting the child. Please transition the child from his/her mother gently. He/she has already been with her for 9+ months and will miss the sound of her voice, her smell, her touch.

After that read, read, read information written by ADOPTEES. Most adoptive parents read books written by adoptive parents or adoption agency workers and totally ignore the adoptee's perspective.

Most adoptees are angry at the corrupt adoption system in the US and at not being able to get their full information - not at their parents.  I think that the best way that you can help your adoptee is to work to change the system.

Answer 6

My husband and I have taken advantage of this long waiting period (between finishing our homestudy and having a waiting child placed with us) to do lots of research.  There are great books out there like, "How it feels to be adopted", and many others.  I've learned a whole lot.  If this is the route you want to take, please read up on it as much as possible.  Your education is never over considering your child(ren), and you can never know too much!  Even if you learn something that doesn't happen to apply to your child, there's no harm in knowing and being prepared.  Good luck!

Answer 7

I gave my baby up at birth to a wonderful family that was unable to conceive. I chose them for her and I had them in the delivery room so that they could be a part of her birth. Before they left with her, my parents and I (17 at the time) gave them our address. I know I wasn't supposed to do that, but I wanted them to have it. Maybe if she wants to find me one day that would make it easier for her. For the first 7 years, they sent me a letter and pictures on her birthday. (I haven't gotten any since and she's 12 now.) I believe that's what helped me cope with the sadness, being able to see that she is so loved and happy. I hope that if you decide to adopt, you would consider sending the birthmother a picture. It made a world of difference in my healing.

I don't know how to prevent ill feelings in the adoptee. All I can suggest is to love her and be honest with her. Don't let her being adopted be a big secret. I wrote my daughter a letter to let her know how much my family and I love her. I want her to know why I made the decision to give her up.They told me that one day they'll give it to her. =)

Answer 8

I am appalled by one answer below advising you not to adopt.  As you said the mother is choosing to put her child up for adoption.  

You are planning an open adoption which is great that will help the baby with anger issues.  The chld may still grow up with anger and resentment, heck I was raised by my natural parents and I have anger at resentment at their choices.  Being angry and resentful about your life at 20 years plus is pretty normal.

In some past instances though adoptions were secretive, no known informaiton about their genetics has hurt children.  Growing up in different cultural background has hurt them.  If you are open to learn, grow and be there for the baby, then you will do whatever you can to help with their anger.

Just be a good mom, that's all we can do.

Answer 9

There is no magic bullet to ensure a person will not resent being torn from all that is familiar and having one's identity changed and concealed.

I recomend you not adopt.  Certainly don't adopt because you "want to help a child." That type of mentality will often seep like a poison into your relationship, as if you subtly expect gratitiude for "saving" said child.

If you really want to help the baby - help the mother get her situation straightened out into a good one. Support her, and help her learn to mother.  It's great you're researching, you might look up more info about the mother-baby bond. It is likely the closest relationship we ever share with another and separating a baby from mother does serious damage. The extent of the damage varies between individuals, but I would never wish that pain on my worst enemy.

Answer 10

I think a lot of stems from an adopted person not knowing anything about where they came from or when the adoption is hidden from them while growing up. Whether or not to keep a relationship with the birth mother is completely up to you and your spouse.

I will say that I put a baby up for adoption at 16 and kept contact with the adoptive parents over the years. The child that I gave them has grown up to be a very happy and well adjusted young lady due to their loving upbringing and honesty about where she came from. I think she has peace of mind not wondering why she was given up, and I have peace of mind knowing she is loved and cared for. Everyone is happy and not filled with regret.

I think you should absolutely adopt. Don't second guess yourself. You should discuss your concerns with the birth mother and possibly come up with an arrangement with her that you both like. Maybe she can give you pictures to show to your child when they're of an age to understand or write the baby a letter. Or you can always keep her address and/or phone number on hand if she's open to it so when the time comes if the child wishes to have contact it can do so.

The possibilities are endless but the only way to calm your fears is to talk about it openly with the birth mother. Good luck with whatever you decide and I hope you're the proud parent of a new baby soon. =)

Answer 11

Two of the most important factors are openness and honesty.  Keeping all the documents for your child is very important.  I am an adopted person and I'm not angry with my adoptive parents or my first parents.  I am angry with the system and the legislation that to attempt to control me despite the fact that I'm no longer a child.  For example, I live in California, where my own personal documents regarding my birth are kept from me.  This is something that is not done to the non-adopted.  

Read what you can about adoption from the point of view of a variety of adopted persons.  It sounds like you already will do so, but it's important to honor the open adoption agreement.  If your child needs to talk about his/her adoption, be receptive to whatever feelings s/he may have.  This kind of support goes a long way in helping your child deal with whatever issues arise.

Best to you!

Answer 12

For me, its part relinquishment and part not knowing anything.  If you do adopt, keep it open.  Get the OBC.  Give the mother a copy of the amended BC.  Always speak kindly of your child's mother and father.  Speak truthfully about your child's family.  Don't use many of the adoption euphenisms or quotes.  Acknowledge your child's loss but don't dwell on it either.  Keep all the adoption paperwork to give to your child.

Answer 13

I'm a birth mom, and chose open adoption for a lot of reasons. Everyone reacts differently when they find out they were adopted.  I understand where it comes from, because I'm also adopted.  It's hard to understand at first, and I felt so overwhelmed and thought no one wanted me.  But as I got older and talked to my birthmom about why and what she went through I felt better.  It's awesome that you are wanting to adopt. In my opinion I would go with open adoption and ask the birthmother what she would want also.  Good Luck :)

Answer 14

You need to be up front with your child. Tell the child that he or she is adopted and start at young age around 2. The child wouldn’t get it but it will be out there, there are countless storybooks now on adoption for kids of all ages. I read an article that said kids are general more ok with being adopted when their parents are honest with them about it and from a young age too. There are kids that will have problems regardless when you tell them. However no one can predict how any adopted child will fall on the spectrum.

Read as much as you can and just prepare for any scenario.   Be honest with your child when if the child asks about birthparents. However if there are details of the birthparents life’s that are inappropriate to divulge till the child is older. Then just go around those. If you could get any medical information of the birthparents and even what heritage they are. I'm sure you child would be great fully one day.

yes you should adopt as you said the birthparents have made their choice so the child is going to be adopted by someone, why not let it be your and your husband.

Answer 15

The anger is really not anger but confusion, frustration and part of the grieving process that a child goes through from being separated from their birth mother.

The trauma that a child goes through when they are taken away from their natural mother can not be avoided but there are several things that you can do to ensure that they accept you as their parents and trust you.

Firstly, go for open adoption. This means an adoption where you keep in contact with the birth family, either physically, by phone, internet or through letters.

Talk about your child's adoption with your child as soon as she or he is with you. Talk about it in front of your child so that your child will come to underestand and accept it. This is what my parents did and I always knew I was adopted from since I can remember, simply because my parents just always talked about it. They would say "since you were adopted" or "we took you in" and so forth.

The next thing is to have some photos of the birth mother (and father if possible) and some information about their personalities, ethnic backgrounds, medical history and so forth, as much info as possible, so that you can offer this to your child.

Related to this is make sure you don't wait until your child asks you questions. I remember being scared to ask questions about my birth family because I thought I would somehow offend my parents. Talk openly about his or her birth mother and father. The more you are honest and open with him or her the more they will trust you and feel that you are trying to understand their situation.

He or she, no matter how open the adoption is, will still have some scars left from being taken from his or her birth mother. Listen quietly to them if they want to talk about their feelings and don't interupt them or feel the need to "fix" it. Just be there to support them and show that you accept what they are going through. However, sometimes the trauma can be so bad that they need adoption counsilling, but you will figure this out yourself I am sure. Generally things like birthdays, people talking about genetics and what their parents look like and school lessons on reproduction and so forth will remind them of their adoption.

Last but not least, NEVER tell your child that they were a gift, that they were chosen or picked or tell them they should be grateful that you "rescued" them. This means they will feel like they have to be a perfect child because otherwise will have let you down.

Do everything above and you will be fantastic adoptive parents. Good Luck.

Answer 16

Complete openess and honesty and thorough research about the ethics of the adoption industry

(I'm pigeon holed in the 'angry' category, but please believe me when I say I AM NOT angry at my adoptive parents!)

Good luck and thanks for caring