Adoption...big deal?

Question

i was adopted, and want to fnd my real parents when i turn 18. this is only in a few weeks, so this has been on my mind quite alot recently. but i had never told my boyfriend (of 8 months) about this until it came out in a drunken text. personally, i think im making a really big deal about this. a much bigger deal than i should be. just like the way ive been feeling is like its one of the biggest most important things at the minute. how does anyone else feel about the fact that they were adopted? sorry if this doesnt seem to make much sense, its just im not sure how im supposed to be feeling about this.

thanks

Answer 1

Go to your gp and ask for some counselling, this is a very big step and there are loads of issues around it. Are you close to your parents? Have you told them that you want to find your birth parents? This is the most important thing to do. They have brought you up and know you better than anyone, so other than professional help you need to seek their advice.

Don't worry about your bf, if he loves you he will stick by you through thick and thin. If he doesn't then he wasn't worth the effort.

Word of advice, try not to text when drunk, it could land you in loads of trouble! lol

Answer 2

It feels like a big deal because it is a big deal. You have every right to find your first family. It does not mean you love your parents any less. It just means you need to know who you are and where you come from. You need the inner peace that comes with that information. There are no guarantees you will continue a relationship with them once found, but you deserve the same answers to who you are as everyone else who takes it for granted. It is a big deal, it's the answers to your life that you are looking for.

Answer 3

I'm the father [adoptive] of a girl almost your age.

If my daughter ever asks to find her birth parents, I'll more or less give her a blank check and all the support she needs. Loving adoptive parents do this often. I suspect that your parents would be much more supportive than you think - why don't you just ask them?

It is completely normal to wonder about your birth parents and want to at least meet them - but brace yourself if this happens.

"Texting while drunk?"  I hope you spend some time thinking about this.

Answer 4

sweetheart it is a big deal and dont worry about thinking you are malking it in to a big deal as it is a huge thing.

Your boyfriend should understand.

I hope you find your parents and its what you hope it is going to be. Be prepared for dissapintment though (sorry) but remember, your adoptive parents are your real parents cos they chose you and raised you and loved you, but of course you want to know who your parents are/were. good luck.

Answer 5

It's never not a big deal if it's important to you.  My only advise to you (having not been in your situation) is to go slow, think  things through as best you can and then, and only then, start making your inquiries if you want.  Its a very big step that can yield either great happiness or more sorrow and questions and you need to be prepared for either eventuality.  

Good luck and God bless.

Answer 6

You have every right to find answers to questions about your birth parents. Have your adoptive parents furnished any information to you? In any case, if you have a good relationship with your parents, talk to them. Express your feelings. You may be feeling that you will hurt their feelings by discussing this issue, however, if their intentions are what is best for you (as they should be), then they will be your biggest support system.

I can offer you this as an Adoptive Parent of a one year old little girl. I have gathered all of the information I possibly coud about her birth parents. I send her birth mother information as she requested, twice a year, and had hoped for the same in return (as was promised). This promise on her part, unfortunately, has not been met, and it is so disappointing to me (for my daughter's sake). I still remain hopeful, and realize that it may be too soon for her and that is why she has not contacted us, , and try to be positive for the future.

In any case, when the day comes, and I know it will, that my daughter wants to meet her birth mother, I will support her, and help her in any way that I can.

I wish you luck, and remember, it helps to talk about things that are bothering you, just make sure you talk with others who have your best interest at heart, or have "walked in your shoes".

Answer 7

I'm not adopted myself but my best friend was & funnily enough we were talking about it last night. It is a big deal & meeting your birth parents if it happens will be a big event in your life. As you're approaching 18 at the moment then it's naturally playing on your mind a lot at the moment. Have you talked to your parents or social services about how you're feeling? Remember to be open minded about your birth parents. It may be easy to track them down, it may be difficult. They may welcome you with open arms, they may not want to know you. You'll experience such a range of emotions over the coming months maybe years so I really would recomend you be open about your feelings to your adopted parents & let them & social services support you through this. My friends birth mum tracked her down & just turned up at the adopted mums house one day. Her adopted dad was cool about it but her adopted mum really struggled with it all. The fall out was huge & they all found counselling through social services invaluable. I don't wish to put a downer on your search becaus eit could all go brilliantly & work out great for you, I just want you to be open minded to the fact it may not be easy. Talk to your boyfriend when you're not drunk, he will probably understand you're having a hard time at the mo & help you through it.

I wish you all the love & luck in the world for your search.

Answer 8

I am adopted from the Dominican Republic and I am 19. I am thankful I was adopted because I have a better life than i probably would of had if i wasn't adopted. Finding your parents will be difficult to do, also make sure that you are prepared to find out the truth if you do go through with it.

Answer 9

I'm not adopted but my mother was, we have tried unsuccessfully to find her birth mother and at one point it was soooooooo important to me, I wanted to know where my kids got their noses from etc. I guess it didnt help that I never got on with my gran (mums adoptive mum) never liked each other even when I was a toddler and never really knew my dads mother.

I think its normal to be feeling quite het up about it but beware that you dont push the people already in your life away in the quest to find your birth mum.

It is important to you as youre becoming a woman yourself and will need to understand why you were put up for adoption. This is likely to become even more urgent when you have kids of your own.

A bit of advice, keep an open and forgiving mind, you wouldnt be who and where you are today if she hadnt given you up.

I wish you luck on your journey

Answer 10

excuse but I am Italian and not speak good English ... excuse for any errors in the text .. I hope to make me understand!

however I think that the adoption is a beautiful thing. we must be proud to adopt a child because he not only brings joy to us but we offer the possibility of having a family like all other children in the world. if you decide to adopt a child ever be happy because you're certainly making a choice justified!

kiss

Answer 11

Im not adopted but i feel for you girl really..i know someone similar to your situation..it is normal to feel that way..but sometimes you should take consideration on the part of your foster parent...always think positive maybe there is a valid reason why your biological parent  make that decision ...its okey to be angry ... it make different if you will know your real parent..think girl think...there's a consequences..

Answer 12

Yes, I also feel like it's a big deal, and I believe that it is a big deal.  Your feelings are normal, people who aren't adopted often have a hard time understanding this.  Don't worry, you're not over reacting, it's an important part of who you are.

I met both my first parents in my early twenties and still have contact with my first mom.  It wasn't a fairy tale, but it was a really positive thing for me.  They didn't replace my adoptive parents, of course, but knowing them and finding out about my blood family have answered a lot of questions about myself and made me feel like I belong to a certain blood line that I can't ever get from my adoptive family.

I wish you the best, being adopted is not always easy. Good luck and best wishes to you.

Answer 13

Hi Loulou,

I'm an adoptee & I understand what you are saying. It makes lots of sense. You deserve answers. You have waited 18 years. No matter what you find, you will not be in the dark anymore. The truth, no matter what it is, is better than living with secrets or lies. Searching will bring inner peace & a sense of closure to the mysteries. To answer your question, yes, I felt it was very important to connect with my background and get my answers. It was a big deal. It still is.

There is no 'right' or 'wrong' way to feel. Searching is often described as an emotional rollercoaster. Whatever you feel is perfectly acceptable. The general public is sorely uneducated when it comes to adoption, so don't be surprised if your boyfriend, friends or even some family members don't fully understand. Some people will give adoptees misleading or unhelpful information. Too often, we adoptees are told how we are supposed to feel by people who have never experienced what we have, or by people who may be putting their own needs in front of yours.

You may involve as many or as few people as you feel comfortable in your search.  Go at your own pace. Some adoptees jump right in and work on it full-time. Others do bits & pieces over many years. Still others start off stating they only want medical info or they only want to meet siblings, then progress to wanting all of their information and to meeting all of their natural family members when they get more comfortable with things. What's important is to proceed in a way that feels right to you since it's your search. Some searches are easier than others depending on what information you have to start with. Sometimes other people in our lives do not understand or support us. You probably have a sense of who will be supportive for you and who will not. Try to surround yourself with supportive people during this time.

If you would like to connect with other adult adoptees online for support & advice, please join us at http://www.adultadoptees.org It's an excellent place for adoptees! Hope this helps. Good luck Loulou,

julie j

reunited adoptee