Adoption for me...preggers for her??

Question

hi all. so I finished my homestudy and am waiting for my child to arrive. It can take up to 1 1/2 years they say, but I am being patient. In the meantime, my sister has become pregnant with her 2nd child (We have tried for 3 years with no luck:-( ). If you were in my situation, would it bother/upset you that at every family visit we all talk on and on about my sister's current and future child and twice in 10 months have breifly discussed our child?

I am really happy for her and I don't mind talking about it at all, I just wish my dad and sister showed some interest in our future kid and seemed excited about that equally. I know they don't know the s*x, race, age, etc of our child, whereas they do know with hers, but I still feel like they should show more interest.

On the whole, they have both been fairly positive with our decision to adopt, but I wonder if this is about the child being adopted or if it is just about not knowing enough about the child to get excited yet. Thanks!!

Answer 1

What are you expecting your family to be excited about regarding your future kid exactly? "Gee maybe this is the day little timmmy might lose his last surviving parent in a random bombing!"  "Wow I hope today a young pro-lifer gets raped so she can make an adoption plan for the illegitimate baby."  "Could some poor parent PLEASE snap at life's stresses and abuse their darn kid already...?"

Fact is adoption is founded upon loss, saddness and tradegy. Seems to me that in a way you are really eager for some pain to come to your "future kid" so you can get custody already!  You could use this time preparing for that reality.

Also,  the fact you feel bothered/upset talking about your future niece/nephew belies some unresolved grief about your own fertility issues. Please work on healing that, and know that adoption doesn't cure infertility.

Answer 2

It'sonly normal for ppl to not know what to say or do on a situation like this. But I do think they should be more supportive on this. Good luck hope all go's well

Answer 3

I can relate because that is how it was for my husband and I with his family while we were waiting to adopt.  They would go on and on about my nieces and nephews but not even bring up our adoption plans most of the time.  

I came to understand that it was just because it was abstract to them and something they had never experienced and therefore didn't understand.  They were also worried about us and concerned because of all the horror stories they had heard about adoption plans falling through at the hospital, etc.  I think mostly they just didn't know what to say.

Now, after waiting for over 2 years and going through 2 adoption plans falling through AFTER the babies were born, we finally adopted a beautiful little girl in June.  Once she was legally in our custody and the birth parents rights were terminated, they were very supportive and excited.  Whenever we go to visit, they get really excited and treat her even more special than they do their other grandkids because they saw what we went through while we were waiting to get here - both with infertility and failed adoptions.  

Be patient with them because I think they just don't know how to approach it or what to say.  Once you do finally adopt your precious child, they will be very loving, excited and supportive.  When it's REAL and there is an actual child involved, I really think you'll se it turn around!

Best of luck and I hope you don't have to wait as long as we did!

Answer 4

They are probably having a hard time connecting with it.  Out of sight, out of mind...I am sure they will be more excited, as will you be, when you receive more info on the child.  Congratulations!!!

Answer 5

I don't think they mean to hurt your feelings.  I have gone through the same thing with my husband's family.  In the over 6 years we have been trying to have a baby, there have been 6 children born into the family.  Although I am happy for all of my beautiful nieces, nephews and cousins, it is hard.  When we decided to adopt, we recieved a lot of support.  However, I don't think anyone realized how long it would take.  We are foster parents, intending to adopt the foster children that live with us, if they were to become adoptable.  Every child we get into our home has been treated like family, but none have stayed.  I am happy for them that they have gotten to be reunited with family, but now it seems our support has gone down hill with family.  They don't seem to think it will happen, so we should just move on.  Mainly, it is just ignorance.  They don't understand.  I think that when the time comes that you are matched with a child, they will be just as excited for you as they are for your sister now!

Good luck!

Answer 6

Sweet you don't have a child. What you have is a fantasy. You can't expect other people to get excited about YOUR fantasy.

You need to get a grip on reality.

Imagine, for example, that your best friend. sister, whatever decided to join match.com looking for a husband. Imagine this person going apedonkeys over a potential fantasy husband she hasn't even met yet. What would you think?

Answer 7

I think you are being unrealistic and a little jealous.  

It's hard to be excited and talk about something that is so unknown.  They don't know when you are going to be able to adopt the child or the s*x or anything else.  What are they going to talk about with you?  

Let your sister shine in her moment.  And just be patient.  Yours is coming.

Answer 8

I think it may be the latter-they don't know anything about the child or when you will even have one come to your home (like you said it could be up to 1 1/2 years) where as, again like you stated, they know more about her babies. Id only have a problem with it if you brought the subject of the adoption up and they showed no interest and immediately changed the subject or "one-upped" you on something to do with it. Otherwise, just wait till you know when you are getting that child and Im sure it will be a complete 180!!!!!

Answer 9

I feel for you. When I was going through infertility treatments, it seemed as if everyone I knew, including my younger sister, was getting pregnant. I tried to put on a happy face and act like I was thrilled for them but I was really just jealous. It made me so depressed.

When my (now ex-) husband and I decided to adopt, my parents were very supportive and excited for us. My husband's parents, however, were nightmares. They said all kinds of negative things (such as "Well, if you can't have a baby any other way..." and much, much worse!). We were open to adopting a child of any race and my in-laws are huge racists. I think they were worried that we'd damage their picture-perfect image or something if we brought home a child of a different race. 'Fortunately' for them, our son looks quite a bit like us. My (ex-) in-laws keep pictures of our son in their wallet to show off to people, but they never asked to see him in the 2 years that we lived near them. (We had to invite them over or ask to visit them.) Would they have done the same thing if I'd given birth to a baby with my husband's DNA? Who knows? Now my son and I live 2500 miles from my ex-in-laws and we rarely hear from them. What a shocker. They came to visit us nearly 2 years after we moved away and then shortened their visit with my son by half. Why? I have no idea. No explanation was given. They're jerks and they do everything for appearance's sake. It looks good on paper that they have a grandchild, but they don't ever put any work (love, time, commitment, etc.) into the relationship.

Why did I tell you all that? Because of this: it sounds to me as if your family is scared. They don't know "what" you're going to bring home (duh! It's a child!) and they're worried that you'll ruin the family with a child that isn't of their DNA. I don't buy the excuse that it is fear of the unknown because no one knows what a biological child will be like, either! Families generally have several months to prepare for a new baby...in your case they may have more time than that. They should still be supportive by offering to help with setting up the baby's room, throwing you a shower, etc. Why should your experience be any less than that of a cousin or a sister who is giving birth to a baby? It shouldn't.

Some people are narrow-minded or just plain nasty and you know what? You can't do anything about them. They may change their minds when they meet your baby and fall in love with him (or her) or they may always be jerks. Focus on the positive people in your life who are supportive and the heck with the rest.

Answer 10

I can understand your situation! My hubby and I tried for 3 years also before looking into adoption. My family was very unsure about adoption and didn't like to discuss it either......until our son arrived!!!! Now I can't get them to leave our house LOL! Seriously your family loves you and is scared of the adoption process/ the unknown. Adoption is the best decision I've ever made & my family who was less than thrilled about it, is now crazy about my son. Seriously they are over here every day for the last 2 years to see him! He is our angel! Your family will come around. Enjoy your sisters pregnancy & your new niece or nephew! Your time will come.......hopefully sooner than later! Best of luck!

Answer 11

It can be hard sometimes for family to accept adopted children because they are not their "blood". I know it sounds harsh but thats how some people think. I am an adoptee and I didn't think any of my extended family had a problem wth me not being in the bloodline, but then my grandma died a few years ago. I read her will and discovered that all of her NATURAL grandchildren were included, while the ADOPTED ones (my brother and I) were excluded. Forget excluded, we weren't even mentioned. We will never know the reason for this because we both agreed to take the information to our graves instead of asking my mother what that was all about. She doesn't know that we know, and we assume she didn't tell us to spare our feelings.

People can just be like that sometimes, I'm sure they will be excited when your time comes.