Adoption gone wrong?

Question

A few months ago my friend Jess was asked by her ex-bf to have his baby, because his wife was unable to have children. Jess said yes (after alot of thought and late night icecream) and so now she is pregnant. Then about a month ago he died in a car crash and now she is having all sorts of dreams about him coming from the dead and taking her to a cave where she gives birth and then he and the baby disapeer. She keeps calling me in the midle of the night to go over to her place and comfort her. Im really worried about her because I think these dreams are messing with her pregnancy. I also think that she is attached to the child already and that she isnt going to be able to give it up at birth. Has anyone else been in this type of situation? Or have any advice?

The child is hers as well.Not the widows . The widow of her ex is really depressed and looking forward to having the child live with her and be its mother... but Im not sure if Jess is emotionaly going to be able to do so

Answer 1

i fit's her baby and she wants to keep it then whats the problem.  she made no promises to the guys widow, right?

Answer 2

If paper work wasn't signed I would keep the baby if I were Jess.   It's her baby.  If she has thought about it, and feels she wants to raise the child.  She should.   The man is dead tell her he can't harm her or the baby.  Those are dreams.  To ignore them.  They could be caused by the stress and worry of all that has happened.   Tell her if not for her sake then for the sake of the child to not worry.  Tell her not to let the widow lay any guilt trip on her.  It's not Jess's fault she can't have children.  As is the deceased came to her and asked if she would give him a child.  Because his wife is unable.   With the man dead.  I see it has the bargain broken.  Since circumstances changed so do feelings and ideas.  Such as Jess wanting to keep the child.  I wish her and the child well.  I'm glad she has a friend like you by her side.

Answer 3

My question is why do this if you dont like the other person? However I think if she agreed to this before he died she should keep up her end of the agreement. It is only fair to the widow to have that small piece of her husband. Would you not want something like that? She should have thought this through alot more. Giving up a child is one of the hardest things to do even if it was planned before you got pregnant. I have given 2 children up for adoption and I know how painful it will be. She needs to follow through with this and get counseling. Something she should have done before she ever thought to do something like this. I wish your friend the best of luck and she and this poor innocent child are in my prayers.

Answer 4

Your friend is under no obligation unless the pregnancy was the result of IVF paid for by the couple.  Even if the widow takes your friend to court, as long as the preg. was not the result of IVF, she hasn't a leg to stand on.  Even in the case of surrogate mothers who are not biol. linked to the baby, the Supreme court already ruled that "she who gives birth is the mother."  Whatever your friend decides, she needs to be upfront soon with the widow.

Answer 5

she should keep the baby because she is legally his mother since the dad is dead tell the widow to adopt a baby instead

Answer 6

Your friend needs couseling. Have her talk to her dr. and tell him exactly what's going on. He can help her get help.That said...I wonder if this is too bizarre to be true?

Answer 7

The child is your friend Jess's.  No matter what was discussed beforehand, even if there was a contract of some sort, the child's biological mother can change her mind and keep the baby.  

What is the widow thinking?  Is she deranged?  What makes her think that she can snatch the baby off from your friend's arms?

Ridiculous.

Answer 8

the widow has not claim to the baby ... if there was no contract drawn up then the baby is hers ... did her ex pay her support for the pregnancy??  

she should see her doctor regarding the nightmares, they are normal but sound as if they may push her off the deep end.  I feel for your friend & his widow, now would be the time for them to come together and not hate each other.  

But if your friend meant to have the baby for him & his wife she should honor the deal that was made.

Answer 9

Tell your friend to keep the baby and to tell the ex bf's widow to find someone else to plan out babies with.  Your friend made the deal with her ex, not his wife.  He has passed on and she has no obligation to the widow.

Answer 10

I understand where Jess is coming from its her xbf's baby and he just died..id keep the baby too...no offence to the other woman but she can go on with her life. I dont blame her for wanting the baby(the wife) but the circumstances have changed. Just be there to support your freind and offer to go to the doctors apts. Maybe there you can talk to the doctor about what your freind is going through. Goodluck to you and im glad she has such a good freind to go to in a time in need

Answer 11

Without a formal surrogacy agreement, the mother retains all rights unless she relinquishes for adoption. The widow would have to go through all the same procedures as anyone adopting, including a homestudy and getting an attorney to file the petition etc..

Jess can't just give her the baby.

Answer 12

Think about whats in the best interest of the child. I dint think the child should be with someone who is not their parent, it will lead to questions in the future and upset. If Jess wants to raise the child then she should, as long as she is emotionally able too.

Answer 13

First of all, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of the loved one. Continue to be there for your friend, regardless of what time she calls you. She's obviously afraid and she trusts your judgment. Depending on the state you guys are in, she has a CERTAIN TIME FRAME to change her mind about giving up her baby. It wouldn't make sense to me for her to follow through with it though, because, didn't you say your friend and the wife didn't like one another? The wife might resent that baby, because it isn't here's. Your friend has a bond with that baby and that's going to be tough for her. True this may be an ethical or moral (whichever you prefer) call, but in reality, WHAT IS BEST FOR THE BABY? I mean really? Think about it. That woman would either mistreat the child because it is not of her own flesh and blood, but then again, she could cherish it, because the baby is her husband's.

Not that it's any of my business, but how in the world did they come about making a deal such as this?

This is like a LifeTime movie or something!

Good luck!

Answer 14

It's too late now, but clearly this was a really bad choice to do on your friends part. If she remotely thought she'd not want to give the baby up, she should never have agreed to being the surrogate.

She needs a lawyer, especially if she's signed papers, been paid for expenses, etc. She will have to pay all those back.

I feel sorry for the widow...to lose her husband and now a baby she was planning to have. It's a piece of her husband and I would imagine she will see a lawyer especially if there are papers and contracts involved. you don't really mention the agreement, so it's hard to tell what will happen.

As for your friend, she sounds like she needs a therapist....she's clearly not thinking rationally with the dreams and paranoia....

surrogacy is never something to take lightly...

I hope what's best for the baby works out.

Answer 15

How weird of a situation so essentially she agreed to be her ex-boyfriend and his wifes surrogate/egg donor. I’m surprised the wife was even ok with that, even more if she and ex girlfriend didn’t like each other. If no surrogacy contracts were signed then she [Jess] could probably keep the baby. Though is seems rather cruel for the widow to not have only lost her husband but also her baby. Yes it would have been her baby assuming Jess was agreeing to be surrogate/ egg donor for this couple and that seems to be the case even  if nothing official was signed.

Surrogacy should not be taken lightly it should  be well thought out and probably counseling, in fact i think if you go through a surrogacy agency they require counseling for prospective  surrogate mother.  Morally Jess should give this baby to the widow because when she got pregnant it was under the agreement (even if just verbal)  that she was having this baby for her ex-boyfriend and his wife.

Recent case in Florida about something similar. Parents found surrogate mother on surrogacy website. Now the surrogate doesn’t want to give baby to parents, grant it surrogate is also egg donor/ it was the father’s sperm. Surrogate did not sign papers, couple did not check because they trusted her.

Answer 16

that is very sad...

your friend is the mother... and its understandable that she wants to have the baby as hers... but the baby should also be in the widow's life... not necessarily living with her.. but visiting as if it was visiting the father...

this is all up to them though...you can offer advice, but when it comes down to it, you need to take a step back and let them make a decision...

tell them good luck.. and sorry for the loss

Answer 17

I think she needs a good attorney. Maybe the wife would be resentful of the baby. It seemed the ex bf wanted the baby more than the wife. Good luck.

Answer 18

stop eatting late night ice cream.  she does not have to put the child up for adoption, take care of herself, and stop stressing about it.  sorry about the lost.  bd

Answer 19

Legally she has every right to the baby.  Since the baby is not born yet the widow really wouldn't have any rights to it since it's not hers by blood.  The widow is wanting something to help her connect with her husband, she is in mourning and it would be hard for her but she has no sort of right to the baby unless they had had any legal agreement in writing.  Either your friend can go through with the commitment she made or she can take back her word and keep the baby.  I think this is more of a moral call then anything since they didn't do it right and get a lawyer to oversee this.  It is possible though that since your friend gave her word the widow could take the her to court but that's if she has a lot of money, it is likely that she won't get anything but that all depends on the judge, the state and how they see a verbal agreement on adoption.

Answer 20

well having a baby inside. yeah you get attached. but i guess it all depends on the person. can they let the baby go parents that can raise him or her.well i feel it the best interest of the child.