Adoption: how do i get myself to be objective about my options after i deliver next month?

Question

when i found out i was one month pregnant i automatically ruled out abortion because of my family. now i am not sure about being a mom. i just don't feel i can give this child the best. EVERY child deserves the best start so they can have a chance to decide their future as opposed to one just being thrown at them (if you get what i mean). i cry when i think about adoption but if i cant be the best and someone else can, wouldn't it be selfish not to consider. how do i get myself to even consider it...i mean really consider it. how do i decide if this is best for him? i dont ever want to regret my decision.

Answer 1

As an adoptee, I know how difficult being in your situation can be. However, I admire you for understanding the importance of life for your child, and wanting to give it the best life possible even if they means giving the child up for adoption.

Many individuals in this world want a child of their own and cannot and to think you would provide a couple with that chance, god bless you.

Open-adoption though can be a rather complicated situation as the child becomes aware of the truth and although my adoption was not open, I met my biological parents at the age of fifteen and it was a h**l like experience.

I think the child deserves medical history and whatnot a pictures or photos and things they are intitled to, but that should be all. I although i know my biological mother and father do not have medical history due to their need to keep that private as I found out they did drugs and drank, with my bio mother so bad I have a form of Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.

No one way is correct though and whatever works for you, will works and I believe everything happens for a reason.

I feel your pain, but understand.

My thoughts are with you.

Answer 2

Adoption now is MUCH different then it was even 5 yrs ago. I gave my child up for adoption 2 years ago and I do not regret my decision!!! I gave her the chance to have an extremely fulfilling life. I got to choose her family and I did not make my decision lightly. I new that this was in the best interest of my daughter. To hopefully answer some of her questions, I wrote her a very lengthy story of how I made my decision, what was going on in my life and how/why I chose her 'Parents". And for the one responder to tell you that adoption is not selfless, they are wrong!! Yes, everyone's situation is different so you will probably get many different kind of answers, but before I made my decision, I met with lots of counselors to help me understand adoption. I went through a website (www.lifetimeadoption.com). Before I even started looking at families, I made sure all of my unanswered questions were answered by their personel. I chose an open adoption, and I have the best relationship with her parents. They live out-of-state, but we contact each other through e-mail at least once a week, we talk on the phone, send pictures back and forth, and we also make visits together at least twice a year. I can tell you that this was by far the best option for my child. I made sure that my decision was not for me, but for her alone. She now has the opportunities available to her that I wouldn't have been able to provide. There are lots of mixed feelings about adoption out in the world today. And if that's what you choose, you have to understand you will have people who look at you differently. Both in positive and negative ways. Remember, everyone's life and situation is different and there is alot of good that comes from adoption, but you have to make sure that it is right for both your child and you. Hope this helps.

Answer 3

Wow, if you want an objective and compassionate answer, you may have come to the wrong forum. Some people on this forum mostly just like to tell people what to do, rather than support them to decide for themselves. This is mostly the small group of angry adoptees who will not give you a balanced and Pro's and Con's type response like you asked for. Yes, it is really a difficult decision, and we cannot possibly answer for you, because we do not know you or your life or all the facts involved in your considering adoption/parenting. But the fact that you are considering adoption says something. That you care for and love this baby and do want what is truly best for this baby. If you have, or can have, what YOU think this baby really needs from day one, and are 110 percent dedicated to continuing to provide that for the next 21 years, no matter what, then perhaps that is why you are considering parenting. If not, for whatever reason, perhaps that is why you are considering adoption. You know deep in your heart, what you want for your child, and if you are willing and able to provide that. It is just hard, in your environment, to do what you truly want as a parent. Either way, be committed and stand behind it, and therefore, you are doing what is best for your child. Then, you will both be great, I'm sure! You CAN make a good decision. Trust your own gut and your own heart. The best of luck to you both.

Answer 4

Oh Honey I can't imagine what you are going through! You are not being selfish at all... you are already trying to do what is best for your baby.  Maybe making a list of all the reasons keeping the baby would work or not work and making a list of all the reasons adoption would work or not work would help give you some clarity.  Open adoption may be something you could consider as you would be provided with an adopted families' address, phone numbers, ETC... and together with them you could decide on how much or how little contact you would want. Some adoptive families have a lot of contact and some just exchange pictures/videos every so often. Sometimes the birthparent becomes a "Member" of the adoptive family even... What do you have to offer your baby now? You didn't say how old you are or if you are finished with school or not. You didn't say whether you were going to go to college or if you had a job? You don't mention the birthfather and if he is still in the picture...  I don't want you to regret your decision either. Perhaps you could contact a local adoption agency and go in for parental counseling. I know our agency offered any potential birthmothers counseling. Research the adoption laws in your state... Pray about it! And I will definitely keep you in my prayers too!  

Answer 5

YOU are the best mother for your child.  Period.

I was given up for adoption by my mother, and neither of us ever got over it.

Oh, and FYI, 'open adoption' is NOT legally enforcable.  You might never see your child again, they are OFTEN broken soon after the ink is dry on the adoption papers.  And you are not responsible for filling the arms of the infertile Myrtles of the world.  

Please give your child the best gift you can--YOU.

Do some reading, please!

http://rondidondi.wordpress.com/2007/10/...

http://www.nancyverrier.com/pos.php

http://www.adoptioncrossroads.org

http://www.origins-usa.org

http://www.motherhelp.info/index.htm

http://www.babyscoopera.com

http://www.b******s.org/bq/babb2.html

Adoption studies:

http://crimemagazine.com/07/adoptionfore...

http://darkwing.uoregon.edu/~adoption/to...

http://www.angelfire.com/or/originsnsw/w...

Books:

The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier

Lost and Found: the Adoption Experience AND

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Quest for Wholeness both by Betty Jean Lifton

The Adopted break Silence by Jean Paton

The Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler

Adoption: Uncharted Waters,by David Kirschner

Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self by David Brodzinsky

Answer 6

Adoption isn't something anyone should even consider if they have any reservations whatsoever.   There are some girls/women who think, "I just don't want this kid - plain and simple".  That's the only people who, in my opinion, should consider placing their baby for adoption.

I know, too, there are people who don't have a shred of maternal instinct and don't have what it takes to be able to love a baby the way that baby deserves to be loved.  If that's the case, then consider adoption.

Other than those two circumstances, why not decide to figure out and learn what it takes to be a good mother and just decide that's what you'll do.  It does take work and sacrifice to be a mother to a baby and young child, but it's nothing compared to the sacrifice of giving up a baby you really want for the rest of your life.

Open adoption can look appealing, but I question whether birth mothers who want open adoption are really ready to give away their baby.

I just started an adoption blog, and it has "considerations about open adoption".  Not that I'm an expert, and I don't pretend to be.  I do, though, have one adopted and two biological children.  They're all grown, and I've done a lot of "considering adoption" over the last two or so decades.  

http://www.adoptionlwarren.blogspot.com

Best wishes, and don't forget that (even if you need to ask for guidance or help) you can decide to make sure your baby does get the best start.  (Money isn't the issue, and you can, most likely, provide the non-financial things if you really decide to make the effort.)

Answer 7

choose open  adoption that way you can see the baby if choose too best of luck

Answer 8

i have one question:  what do you consider "the best?"  you might be surprised to know that there is no "magical pool" of perfect parents out here who can give your baby "the best."  just people who want a kid, and are no less likely to get divorced, laid-off or put out of their home.  

--------------------------------------...

"i cry when i think about adoption but if i cant be the best and someone else can, wouldn't it be selfish not to consider."

- i cried too.  i was unsure, scared and thought adoption was the best.  i later found out that the BEST for my son was being with his mother.

also, it is never selfish to want to love and raise your child.  in addition, just because some older married couple "appears" that they are "the best" doesn't mean they are. adoptive parents come from the same society and environments as we do. they are normal people--not gods who are super parents.  just as many young women struggle with learning to parent, so do adoptive parents.  also, placing your child in a world with people who are strangers, is indeed, "throwing something at [him/her]."

one more thing: open adoption is NOT LEGAL ENFORCEABLE in most states.  this is a big misconception for young women who consider adoption.  if you are making this decision because you think the open adoption will help you manage relinquishing your child, i strongly advise you to do a bit more research.

did you know that the aparents (adoptive parents) can close the adoption without notifying you or giving you good reason?

did you know that the aparents are under no obligation to tell you if they move, change their number or keep contact with you?

are you comfortable with the idea of the amother breastfeeding your baby?  many amoms make themselves produce milk to nurse adopted children?

are you comfortable knowing that the aparents might change the name that you would give your child?

are you comfortable with the idea that the circumstances of your decision to relinquish may be "modified" to make you seem like you didn't want your baby?

are you aware that many think of "birthmothers" in a negative light?  many think that they are drug addicts, or sleep around; hence are not respected?

are you aware that once you sign the papers to relinquish your baby, that you can NOT reverse it?  are you aware of the relinquishment period in your state, or any state the agency you might work with?

are you aware that many young women effectively parent their children ?

are you aware that there are TONS of assistance programs to help you with education, childcare, medical expenses and housing so that you can KEEP your child?

ps. if you are afraid that you will regret your choice, then you most likely will.  please look into parenting options and support programs BEFORE you make this decision.

read some of these questions:

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

  http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 9

i agree, every child deserves the best.  the best is to be with their mother.

Answer 10

Giving birth is just too personal to ever be objective about it.  But you need to stop worrying about what your family thinks and wants and start considering what YOU want.

You have the potential to be THE best mother for your baby.  If you're having a problem even considering it, chances are that it's not what you want to do. I'm compiling a list of pros and cons from an adoptee standpoint while TRYING to put myself in your shoes... which is difficult because you're really in a difficult place.

Pros of adoption

~open adoption means you'll get to see your child

~ you're not forced to make a life style change

~ you give another couple a baby that they can't have for themselves

~ Child will be more likely to have 2 parents (if you're single)

~ Child will be more likely to be with a more financially stable family.

Cons

~ Child grows up feeling out of place

~ You always wonder what happened to child

~ You may never see child again

~ there are no laws or policies concerning open adoption so if the adoptive family decides they don't want you anymore, they can go so far as to get a restraining order to prevent you from seeing child

~ severe psychological repercussions for both you AND child

~ regret

Any mom who isn't pregnant under ideal circumstances (married, financially stable, emotionally stable, planned on pregnancy) is unsure about being a mother at some point.  It's an overwhelming task and moms are truly remarkable people... It's difficult and exhausting, but rewarding... You do have it in you to be a fabulous mother!  Don't doubt your ability to be a mother!  Just based on the information you posted here, it seems like the best all around thing for you to do would be to keep your child.  I understand that you're distressed over this, but I honestly think that you would regret relinquishing your child... And remember that even open adoptions don't guarantee your presence in your child's life.  There are many Adoptive Parents who do embrace open adoptions, but there are equally as many who lie and say they do just to get a child.  There are no laws covering the policies of open adoption, so if you agree to an open adoption, the adoptive parents can change their minds later on and keep you from seeing the child.. and there's nothing you can do about it.

Good luck in what ever you decide.

ETA:  Still Me, I am INSULTED by your comment.  This 'small group' of angry adoptees isn't so small... in fact, I've met far more adoptees who are angry, hurt, and damaged by their adoptions than I have ones that are happy with their situation... and as I grow older, I'm realizing just how hurt I was by it.  And my situation was IDEAL.  

So if someone like me who had amazing a-parents can turn out this screwed up over it, how do you think the ones with horrible situations ended up?  

We are NOT small group and your insinuation that we should be silenced is not only hurtful, it's offensive and ignorant as well.

Answer 11

Dont!

Answer 12

I don't think you need to be objective, since there is no right or wrong answer - only what is best for you and your child, and even that is really hard to say. I'm an adoptive mom, so very pro-adoption. However I realize it is an incredibly difficult decision, and isn't the solution to every unplanned pregnancy. Your child doesn't necessarily need the "best" in terms of what you can provide materially. What they need is love, attention, and a safe, secure and nurturing environment. Depending  what is going on in your life you may or may not be able to provide this.  

My daughter's natural mother was already raising a not-quite two year old, single, living  with her parents, and not ready to take on the responsibility of a second child (with a  father that skipped town). We are forever grateful that she chose us as the parents for her child, but also in this case we are comfortable that this was really the best for her too. She had a lot of support from her family about the adoption, which was also helpful to her. You need to consider if you can give a baby/child/teen the emotional and financial support needed. You don't have to be the perfect parent (no one is).

I do think talking to someone is a good idea. Maybe a therapist, or social worker. You may want to contact an adoption agency and get more information, but follow you're instincts and if you feel pressured by them, then step back. I wish you all the best in making this difficult decision.

Answer 13

Follow your gut. Do whatever you think feels like your giving your baby the best. Its your decision and no one elses

Answer 14

I don't think you should be objective about this at all. It really isn't an objective decision. It is a heart-based, life changing decision. It sounds as if your heart and soul say you want to parent your son -- so you should. I hear so much love in the way you think about what will be best for your son -- those are the thoughts of a loving mother.

There is no such thing as an objective "best" start for a child. A family can just be a hard-working mom and her kids and have so much love and be a wonderful family. Or a family can have 2 parents and lots of money and be not so good. By an "objective" measure the second family might be best, but in real life the first might be better. But really every child gets their life just thrown at them. And every child makes some of their own choices about what to do about what gets thrown. There is no such thing as a perfect family and you shouldn't judge yourself against such an impossible standard. If you want to parent your son then YOU are the best parent.

If you relinquish your son for adoption, just from reading your words, I believe you will regret it ever after. It sounds as if someone is trying to convince you that you should relinquish your son, and that you should make an objective decision. Well, don't listen to them -- listen to your heart.

Both objectively and subjectively, children belong with the parents they are born to if that is possible. And I know you can do this, because I can tell you are an intelligent, capable woman and I can tell how much you already love your son.

Best wishes to you and your son

Answer 15

So you ruled out abortion. Fine that is your choice.

Now don't eff up your child for good by abandoning him/her to the adoption industry.

Are you prepared for your child to HATE you if you abandon him/her?

YOU are what is best for your child. Make no mistake about it.

It is YOUR JOB to mother this child, since you have chosen to continue this pregnancy.

You should not abandon your child under any circumstances.

Women who "place a child for adoption" are not noble, loving, or selfless. They are abandoners. Plain and simple. They are the worst kind of mothers. Is that what you want to be?

Answer 16

Open adoption agreements are not legally enforceable.  First parents who opt for open adoption have found that the adoptive parents can begin to deny contact, not send photos, etc. at any time.  Even first parents who felt they were close to the people who adopted their children have found themselves quite shocked when contact was cut off.

If you are not an abusive person, then your child is already in the best place -- with his or her family.  I think a lot of women fear they will not be good enough mothers.  I've heard women talk about how they worried about it before their children were born.  However, they did just fine.  

Give yourself time.  Don't jump into relinquishment.  It's permanent.  My first father spent over 30 years lamenting relinquishment.  He never stopped hurting until we were reunited 7 years ago.  He has told me this, as has his wife and lots of other family members.  

Instead, look around at supports available for new mothers.

Answer 17

It's your decision. I don't think you will ever regret keeping your baby, but somewhere down the road you will probably regret it if you give him up. I would hope that if you decide on an open adoption that the new parents would honor it, but don't count on it.

I gave up my daughter and I have regretted the decision and was never able to get over it as some said I should.