Adoption - how do you feel now that you gave your child up?

Question

I recently (last month) gave my 3rd child up for adoption and she was adopted by my cousins (pretty much the same situation). People kept telling me it would be the hardest decision I would ever make, honestly it was the easiest. I knew she was going to a great family and she would get the attention and care that she needs. I have a 4 year old and a 2 1/2 year old and they occupy most of my time. So along w/ finances I was worried I wouldn't be able to offer my time evenly to all of my kids. So I knew it was the best decision I could make.

I wasn't depressed about doing it or anything like that, but for a while I did feel like I wasn't doing enough and I wanted to do more for her and my cousins (even though giving a life to someone is more than enough and no one expected anymore from me because of it). Has anyone else felt like that?

Answer 1

I also gave my 4th child up for adoption in April 07 at birth.  I look at it as a positive thing.  I gave her a life that I couldn't afford to give her emotionally or finacially give her at this time.  I know that it was the right decision.  Due to me having 3 other small children, and being so young and single at the time, I knew that I coudn't do it, anyway.  It was hard for me because I would of loved to hear her 1st word, her say mom..just having her here.  I also know that it was the best decision for her as well as me.  She will be happy, loved, supported, and have the things that she needs rather then going with out.  I appericate all adoption....it's another way for a mom a second chance.  I gave my baby up out of love.  I know she'll be happy!!  I am happy that she'll be happy in life.  I chose a couple that couldn't have children on there own.  So I know that she is in a home where she is there top priority.  They've wanted a baby for so long, and now have one that they can give all there attention to just to her.

Answer 2

Sad, hurt, a little depressed but knowing you have done the right thing is great consolation.

Answer 3

Congratulations on making what is for you a positive decision for your child's life!

Many birthmothers I have worked with have expressed similar feelings.  When you know what you want for your child, no matter what it is, and feel confident in it, then you are more apt to feel contentment.  I think the positive experience you are having is also influenced by the fact that you are so busy being a mom and this is just one more way you have provided for your children.

Perhaps the feeling of wanting to do more is about feeling a sense of responsibility (of course!) for your child.  Hopefully as you see your cousin care for and raise your child, you will be able to release more of that responsibility, reassured that your child has all that she needs -- thanks to your decision!

Good luck to you and bless you.

Answer 4

It's nice that you know where she's going. I know someone who was in a similar situation and she keeps in touch with him and they do stuff together sometimes.  She says it's worked out great for both of them.

Answer 5

At first I was totally clinging to the positives, how I did this wonderful thing and I even thought, "oh, you know what, I could totally do this again for them, have another baby so they wouldn't have the unknown of waiting for another child..."

I was so young and naive about the impact of the loss, and to the actions I took in the middle of the crisis pregnancy to make sure I placed.

For the most part I have been positive about my choice in relinquishing my son for adoption.  But just recently, I'm seeing clearly now all of the things that I had been avoiding since before relinquishment.  

You are so new to your birthmother title.  Realize that because you relinquished a lot of people have given you positive attention because of that choice.  It's easy to get swept away thinking about what other good deeds you could do for them, to show your gratitude.

I know it is probably asking too much, but give yourself the opportunity to say it's okay to feel the sad parts too.  Being sad doesn't change the reasons your relinquished.