Adoption in America: Who gets screwed over the worst by the adoption system?

Question

Adoptive parents?

Natural parents?

Adoptees?

And why? Thank you for your thoughts on this topic.

Answer 1

I think it's a tie, though not all in the same category.

Adoptive parents get screwed out of a LOT of money.  Money that they really ought not to have to pay.  When you compare the cost of foster-adopt to the cost of adoption through an agency, one has to wonder...why the tremendous markup?  What are all these fees really going for, and are they an accurate representation of what the adoptive parents are paying for, or are they inflated (more likely the case).

Adoptees are screwed, obviously, because they are babies or minors and get no say in any of this.  Our records are sealed, names changed, histories erased.  I think a lot of this is changing; outside of the 6 states that have open records now, there are a LOT more adoptive parents who are recognizing the importance of this and who really are doing all they can to help their adopted children gain access to their records, and this is a wonderful thing.  But we really should just have access to these without having to fight.

Birth/first/natural parents get screwed...fathers aren't given notice of the adoption proceedings, aren't informed of their rights in many cases; mothers are often "counseled" by agencies and not given ALL the information (which includes resources to help parent her child); they aren't always informed of the emotional after-effects of adoption; open adoption agreements are not enforceable and are often closed, etc.  This could go above for ways the adoptees are screwed to, I suppose.

I know there's more I'm not thinking of, but I'm sure others will think of them and point them out.

Answer 2

i think everybody and nobody.

everybody:

the adoptive parents- have these expectations on what their adopted kid should be and they don't get the whole truth, or they get the truth but they can't bond with the child, or they get a child with a rare genetic disorder that no one bothered to tell them about and the child dies, or the Nmother changes her mind.

Nparents- have been lied to, forced to give up their child, were told it was going to be an open adoption and then the aparents don't hold up their end of the deal, they want to be found and never are, they don't want to be found but they are.

adoptees- mental abuse, physical abuse, lied to til the aparents decide to tell them if they ever do, can't get a passport, are looked down upon, seperation anxiety, depression, higher rate of suicide, higher rate of murder, higher rate of being institutionalized, unable to bond with aparents, fears of rejection.

Nobody

The Nparent finds aparents that do what they promised, the aparents found an Nparent that did what she said she'd do, the adoptees has all of his/her parents in his/her life. no one has issues and if they do everyone pitches in and helps each other as if they were all one big happy family brought together by a child that they all love.

didn't happen to me but i have seen it and it is such a woderful thing when it is handled the right way.

I want to appologize to the Aparents. when i read back what i wrote everyone of you were put in lower case and all the Nmothers were in upercase. i meant nothing by it. it was completely subcoscious. it's not a reflection of your family just a reflection of mine.

Answer 3

Adoptees!

As an adoptee we have no rights!  I was given up over 30 years ago. I have no right to any of my natural parents medical or family history. I have no rights to any information about them.  Everything is sealed away to protect them. It is not fair to us.   Why should they be protected????  It's not my fault that she was stupid and a w***e...  She was 22 years old and should have known better. But was dumb enough to fall for" IF YOU LOVE ME YOU WILL HAVE s*x WITH ME" . How dumb can you be...

Thank God I am nothing like her!   I am 100 times better than she could ever be!!!

Jennifer

birthplace: Sonoma, CA

1-7-73

Answer 4

Lets see - ALL OF THEM

Natural parents don't get the support that they need to make a full informed decision.  They get told that they have an open adoption only to have the adoptive parents run.  They don't get the full counseling they need.  

Adoptive parents get ripped off for thousands of dollars.  They get scammed by agencies and facilators.  They are given false information about their children and their children's natural parents.   They are told to call their child's natural parents as biological strangers.

Adoptees are denied their own truth.  They are denied their records.  They are denied their heritage and history.  They are told to shut and be grateful for whatever reason.  

The adoption industry is based on lies, coercion, and just plain cruelty.  It is based on the profits that adoption agencies and attorneys make.  Its not about those actually living adoption.

Answer 5

The worst?  

It's not a contest.

The only people who come out ahead on the deal are the agencies.

Answer 6

Why is anyone getting screwed over?  The child gets a family, the adoptive parents get a child to love, and the birth parents know that they created a family.  I don't see the problem here.

Answer 7

Everybody is getting screwed here.  Sorry but it's true.

Adoptive parents are expected to pay a lot of money and told not to ask questions about how much they are paying or where their money is going because they will "look poor" and possibly not be allowed to adopt.

First moms have an all or nothing deal and are classified as "brave loving souls" before they relinquish and heroin addicts or loose women after they place.  And heaven forbid, they have a change of heart and decide to parent.

And adoptees...well, we're commodities, aren't we?  And we better not question anything.  And darnit!  We better be grateful.  If not, then we're bitter and angry and mean.  yeah, that's fair.

And who is laughing all the way to the bank?  The elusive fourth member of the so-called triad.  The agencies.  the lawyers.  THE INDUSTRY.  They choose who gets to adopt, how much they pay, which "birthmothers" get to see which file and who gets what baby and nobody says a word.  Nobody questions anything.

Blech! It makes my head hurt.

Answer 8

I am getting very tired with this negativity here- I am SO sorry that some have not had a good adoption experience- but I am getting to the point that I can understand why women choose abortion over adoption- because abortion gets better "reviews" than adoption- death is better than life- I am sick of this

Answer 9

Hi Julie, ;-)

For once I agree with one of your gang, "it's not a contest". Why did you ask this question and be honest? I think you love stirring the pot, sitting back and enjoying this flame war you perpetuate in here constantly. Your most welcome for my thoughts on this absurd "question".

Answer 10

I am an adult male who has adopted two infant children who are 22 and 31.

     We wanted kids but lost two and were lucky  to be able to adopt. Is life all peaches and cream? No one's life is simple and fun, exciting all the time. We worked hard for our new family and did our best. Our kids probable would like to meet their bio moms but that is up to them- no interest shown in the dads. Sorry sperm donners.

     I think we all did our best to succeed against some tough odds. They could have been aborted and there would have been no life for them or joy for us. This question is so sad to suggest someone is getting taken advantage of.  No child get to chose their parents ... but adoptive children at least get parents that will love them and WANT a child. Many kids who are kept  are really just a inconvenience for the bio parents and their parents. Why not give a child a loving family that wants them?

Answer 11

Its hard to say. Maybe equally. I am an adoptee and although the people who raised me will always be my parents. Period. As I got older though I did want to know a little about where I came from, medical history, etc. I would have liked for it to have been a little easier to find this info. I was fortunate in that I found a person in records at the hospital who was an adoptee and had mercy on me but I know that everyone isn't that fortunate. There was actually some very useful medical info for me and I gained a couple of brothers. My birthmom had cancer and died a couple of months after I met her. I will always be glad I got to meet her and thank her for giving me to such loving parents and to get to know a little about her before it was too late.

Answer 12

I think it depends on whether you go thru life thinking your glass is half full or half empty.

Answer 13

Sure adoptive parents get screwed monetarily, but I'd rather go through financial bankruptcy than lose a kid to adoption.

I have to say the pain lies with the adoptees and their bio parents, but that's because for me emotional loss is worse than material loss, and that (the emotional loss) is the only loss that I've known in relation to adoption. I've been in tight spots financially and it can be stressful, but...I don't know, I can't make any comparison.

ETA: Give me a break Bob, you say, "They could have been aborted and there would have been no life for them or joy for us." In reality you would have adopted and raised the next 2 kids that came along.

Answer 14

Depends on the situation.  If biological mother is coerced into giving up her child...but then the child has a wonderful life and is content..in that case, it would be the bio parent who has it worse.  Adoptive parents who are lied to...adoptees who are lied to, their first parents kept from them...biological fathers who don't find out they even have a child until after the adoption is final........the list goes on and on.

I think statistically speaking, if you asked all members of the adoption circle about their experiences, you'd probably have a larger percentage of adoptees who feel they had it pretty bad.  But depending on the situation, the adoptee could be quite content with his or her life, and it could be one of the parents, or a sibling, or a grandmother even, who feels they suffered worse.

Then, there are some cases where the child is placed in another home for good reason, has all the care and love s/he needs to live a happy, productive life, and feels safe to work through any issues s/he has with his/her adoption, aparents know the whole truth about their child and are able and willing to do what needs to be done for their child, and the biological parents are able to get what they need (which is totally different depending on the situation, whether they are healthy people who choose to give up an infant (assuming there is no coercion involved...this is the "bowl of cherries", perfect-world scenario), or not-healthy people whose children were removed by the state).  I'm sure there are those cases...somewhere...I hope...

Answer 15

I have. I want to be with my mother. My real mother. Not these strangers I've been forced to live with and be abused by. Not under all this pressure to fit into their peculiar family, not subject to their unfair criticism, not doomed to be an embarrassment and a failure in their eyes.

Yes, death is better than life in the choice between that and adoption. Because a child unwanted by its mother is already doomed to a life of suffering, abortion is a mercy killing. Even if she kept me my life would be c**p. She doesn't want me and her love is as important as mother's milk to an infant.

Answer 16

Everyone, except the ones with the deep pockets. How can we measure one person's pain against another? Before I came here, I thought I was the only victim. Now I can see how everyone suffers. Anytime there are secrets, information being withheld, lies, and the exchange of money involved... everyone suffers in some respect, although, as the old saying goes, "The one with the most money wins."

Answer 17

in my instance i think that i was but maby not in all cases because i was kept from the truth and no my natural father is dead and i have so many ?s. that will never be answered by him and as we all know the answer from him is so different then the answer that i am going to get from my mother or from my natural fathers family. so i think that it depends on the situation. are you adopted?

Answer 18

The adoption system itself treats the human beings involved in adoption as though they are cogs in their wheel.  I don't mean that the people who are part of the system don't have a friendly way about them, I mean that they lie, manipulate and cover up in order to keep that wheel rolling.

Pregnant women are treated as though they've already relinquished before they have.  This includes the ones who are simply considering adoption, but haven't decided anything.  They are told how wonderful, loving and selfless that are, and that they are doing the right thing.  Of course, they don't count for a whole lot after they've manufactured the product (baby.)  Later, they are used as excuses to keep birth records sealed from adopted people, even though 99% of them favor opening records to the people whose birth's they record.

Prospective adoptive parents get pulled in for the ride.  They can be easily scammed because their desire for a child makes them vulnerable to such.  They pay large fees that go nowhere but to the pockets of the mucketty-mucks high up in the agencies.

Adopted people are the products that brought in the money.  Despite this, many agencies could give a rat's behind about adopted citizen's equal rights.  They'd rather keep them in the dark, and deny them access to their own birth records.  Hmm, wonder what they are hiding?

In the case of women who were only considering adoption, but were given no other real options by the agencies, the family that could have been, of course, isn't.

Well, sounds like the big winners here are the agencies.  They've got the money, the influence, the power and the hold over everyone.

But, I'd have to say that the adoptees are the biggest screwees because they had absolutely no say in any of it.  They had no opportunity to make any of the decisions, yet they are the ones whose entire identities are forever changed.  They are also the ones who are treated unequally under the law in 44 states in the U.S.

Answer 19

Adoptee!

For adoptive parents it's a gain.  

For natural parents they had a life BEFORE they lost a child, and they don't lose their familiy, identity, et al.