Adoption: income and love?

Question

I'm so confused.

There is a question below from someone who wants to know what's more important in a child's life--income or love.

Overwhelmingly, the answer was LOVE.

So here's what I don't understand--most mothers place who place their children up for adoption do it because they have few resources, i.e. income.

And most mothers I have ever known, or read about, over the last 20 years love the children they MADE and BORE. Strangers cannot guarantee that they will LOVE someone they have never met, and certainly not MORE than their own mothers.

Yet another mystery from the adoption files...can someone please explain it?

Answer 1

What is so difficult about understanding that a bmom willingly places her child for adoption? That's what happens first. Without that we wouldn't even be discussing love and income of Paps.

Answer 2

What's sad, is in this country, there are resources for everyone. Welfare, food pantries, income based housing, medicaid, churches looking to make a difference in peoples lives, free preschools, free daycare. The list goes on and on and on. BUT there are people  who are uninformed and just don't know theses resources are out there.

All that being said. I know money is the #1 conflict in families. In my family it's sleep, or the lack of. We don't have a huge income, we are stil paying on Bubs medical bills, but we won't let $ stress our family our. Kids pick up on what's going on.  Even milloinairs fight, divorce and even kill over money.

Answer 3

hmmm... i raised my child on a $279 stipend, $202 in foodstamps, a $8,000 research assistant stipend and medicaid until i graduated from college and got a job. my son and i lived in a third-floor, converted attic/apartment with no kitchen sink (i had to wash dishes in the tub or the basement) and shared a room. we had picnics for dinner because buying wheat bread and turkey, fresh fruit and orange juice just about broke my budget; and i chose to buy nutritious food and not the 'junk' that would have made my money stretch a little further. we'd often eat breakfast food for dinner because that's all the was left until the next stipend dispersement, yet joking called it "turning the day around." but for some reason, those were some of our best memories together.

why?  because this was a little person that I carried in my body and I nurtured and made an unwavering committment to take care of.  hence, even with meger finances, we made it.

i guess it must have been my income that kept us going...

ETA: to the poster that stated a pregnant mother hasn't met her child either....i vehemently disagree. primarily because "meeting" a person is not simply scaled down into the construct of face-to-face interaction.  i have many "friends" who i met, on-line. are these friends any less important to me than my face-to-face ones... no.

i "met" all of my children prior to birth. i talked to them, played "footsie" with them, told them to get their little feet out of my ribs, to stop kicking my bladder, if they wanted oranges or apples for snack. i played music to them (which two of them actually like today) and immediately "bonded" with them at birth.... now does this happen for every mother? no.  but is it inaccurate to say it doesn't happen? abso-effing-lutely!

Answer 4

I'm not sure that the mothers who place their children for adoption are doing so because of the lack of income and resources.

Some of these young women are pressured by their parents into giving up their babies because the parents do not wish to be grandparents to the child of a daughter who is only 15 or so......it makes THEM look bad as parents.  In many cases, they probably have the resources to support their daughter and grandchild, but choose not to do so because of the "stigma" of teen pregnancy in certain socioeconomic circles.

Some young women choose to give up their children themselves, without pressure from their parents.   In my opinion, they are doing this out of fear rather than from any other motive.....they are afraid they cannot cope with school and family life AND being a parent.   They may have chosen to abort their child, but could not bring themselves to do it in the end, and perhaps thought they could "live with" adoption as a choice, rather than abortion.

For whatever reason, I can tell you that as an adoptive parent, I could not love my three daughters more if they were born to me......they are the light of my life, and I would die for them.   But I can also tell you that if my oldest daughter (age 17) came home one day and told me she was pregnant, I would encourage her to keep her baby, and I would give her the complete support and help that was within my power, so that she could finish school and establish a good life for her and her child.  I would not want her to have to face the ramifications of adoption or abortion.

Answer 5

I think the first poster pretty much sums it up.  Unfortunately, love doesn't pay the bills.  I do agree with you Sunny about how it's never a guarantee for a stranger to love a child that they did not conceive themself.  I do believe though, in some cases it is definitely possible for a 'stranger' to have more love & show more love to a child more than their own flesh & blood could.

The bottom line is that having money doesn't necessarily mean you will love and raise that child properly.  However, love might be able to keep a family together during the hardships when they may financially struggle.  Is it fair to that child even if you love them more than anything in this world but can't afford to feed them or take care of their basic needs?  If that is the case hopefully, they have other support so that you could keep your child but in some cases people in this situation feel it's a lost cause.  I see what you're trying to say though...it's a sh*itty deal, huh.

Unfortunately, there are some programs out there but they seem to help those that lack any drive, motivation...the people that get hurt by these programs are the ones that need it the most but they don't qualify. The system is backwards in a lot of ways.

Answer 6

Ideally love is what is hoped for to prevail, however, income is very important for survival. My favorite expression I always remember about money is...." Money doesn't mean anything unless you don't have any. Then it means everything." So, for any child, hopefully there is a balance of love and income and not one over the other.

Answer 7

I think the agrument some people use for adoption is that the b-mom is poor and she needs to find a family that has money. This is a poor agrument, because not all families are rolling in the dough, so to speak. My parents were not rich, but they did provide a house to live in, food to feed me, a bed to lay my head and a chance to go to school. Really who could ask for more.

I think the agrument of b-mom's being poor needs to stop and one find ways to help her or just stay if the b-mom is abuseful and nelglectful that the child was placed because of that. Being poor shouldn't be a reason why a baby is placed for adoption. Otherwise a whole lot of people would be placing their children for adoption.

Answer 8

I answered that question too and don't recall typing the word "Love" in my answer at all.... To me Love is a given and not even important to the issues of adoption or childbirth--everyone knows Love is important and I think it's stupid to even compare the two....

My parents loved me....two 16 yr olds who loved me sooooo much that they thought they would be such wonderful parents.... two broke stupid teenagers.... who cared too much about luuuuuving me and not enough about providing me with the basics of life....

Frankly Love means nothing to me when the basic needs go unmet... and frankly I don't understand why anyone would even ask the Money or Love Question....

***ETA: My children bonded with their mother I suppose... It was dang hard for my son to get clean from Heroin when he was born... That bond and drug addiction was really deep and his mother really loved all 5 and almost 6 babies she has bonded with while pregnant.

Answer 9

I'm confused to so join the group. What gets me if adoption is so prefect then why is the kids that are gave away always looking for the natural parents? Also known fact most serial killers and murders are adopted. Ted Bundy and etc.

     What blame this on the adopted couple or the natural parents. or just bad adults.

     Most people that adopt are closer to there own children.

Answer 10

then there are the birthmothers that don't care at all for their kids.  they give them away like used clothing or keep them only to get whatever money from the state.  when I adopted my son, I was given a poem.  one line says.."you did not grow in my womb, but in my heart."  yes, I CAN love my kids more than their birthmother.  some birthmothers love their kids enough to know that the kids are better off with adoptive parents.  the birth parents can't adequately care for the child(ren) and know they would be better off with someone else raising them.  I'm glad I was allowed to raise my kids.  permission from the birthparents and the state legal system.

Answer 11

This is not just for adoptions, but for all parents with children.

I do not think it is income or love.  A child could have rich parents and no love, a child could have love but no food, shelter.  

A Drug addict loves, but does that make them a good parent?  Truth is love is an ability, and to truly love you have to put yourself last and must place your children first.  Some parents simply can not do this.  If a Parent "loves" their child, but does drugs around them, then that is not a parent.

Answer 12

What's love got to do with it, Sunny?  

I love and am loved by my a'parents very much, but love is not the force that drives adoption, and it never has been.  Adoption was originally supposed to be about giving homes to children who needed them, but it has always really been about punishing women who dared to give birth out of wedlock and/or obtaining babies for people who can afford to buy them.  It's mostly about commerce now, as the "shaming single mothers" gambit doesn't work so well anymore.  

Today the pretense that adoption does a social good for genuinely unwanted children is usually couched in language about "orphans" from overseas.  But it remains, on the whole, a pretense.

People who want other people's children and can afford to buy them will get them.  That is, sadly, the kind of society we have set up for ourselves.

Answer 13

Is it that difficult to understand?  Love is more important than money, certainly, but love alone doesn't put a roof over ones head, food on the table or clothes on your back.  Children need those physical provisions to thrive.  Love alone also doesn't make up for terrible, or a complete lack of, parenting skills.  I'm guessing you're not a mother if you don't know the answer to that question?

Answer 14

A woman who carries her child has never met him or her either, so what is the promise there will be love there.  Biology does not promise love.  

I work in foster care, let me tell you there are PLENTY of woman who couldn't care less about the children they MADE and BORE.

I also know lots of middle class, married, pie-in-the-sky, church going, flag on the porch Americans, who care more about status, themselves, their jobs or whatever then the children they MADE and BORE.

I was once called to a hospital where one of my foster kids had experienced a total breakdown.  She was seeing and hearing her birth mother and boyfriend outside of the window at school.  She got up, ran to the window, smashed it and held the teacher at bay while insisting they wanted her to kill herself (the LOVING birth mom who MADE and BORE her...and let her boyfriend rape her repeatedly).

When I got to the hospital I found foster/adoptive mom, with the child's blood all over her rocking this 9 year old to sleep.  She looked at me and the first thing she asked was "Are they going to take my baby girl away from me?  You'll have to pry her out of my dead arms...she needs ME."

This woman had known the child for 2 years, in that time she'd been called to the school almost every day, been through countless therapy sessions, medications, the works.  

If you don't call that love, I don't know what is.

I know that due to your experience you put a lot of stock in biology, and you don't have a lot of faith in adoptive parents  however, I know MANY MANY adoptive parents who love their children as much as I love my own.  I'm a professional and been caught off guard when someone I've known for a while casually mentions their child is adopted...I couldn't even tell.

A biological parent has little more knowledge of their baby than an adoptive one does.  You meet at birth, sure there is bonding in the womb, but as far as personalities, features..that is all a shot in the dark.  A birth mom can't promise it either.

And yes, I know for a fact that some adoptive mothers love their children more than their biological mother's did...of course I deal with child abusers.

In cases of voluntary reliquishment, I think it is two actions from the same deep love.

And Sunny, I don't believe a woman should give up her child JUST because of money, but be real....

LOVE...doesn't provide food, clothing, housing, medical care, maturity, stability, education, promising future.  

I think we should provide support for EVERY mother that is ready and wants to be a parent and money is the ONLY issue, but usually it is not.  There are many birth moms that are not ready to be a parent and or have goals they want to obtain or who are not yet living a lifestyle that is good for children and really do not want to change to one.

ETA: As a biological mom of 2, I know you bond with your baby in the womb, you feel it kick (usually all night), you talk to him/her sing.....eat right, get crazy when it doesn't move....worry, pray, hope and dream for the baby.....but not EVERY biological mother does that.

Answer 15

What's love got to do with it? Are you serious?????????

So going by that equation I suppose I have no right to be a parent. We live paycheck to paycheck, "poor" by most people's standards.

I bought my 4 children their very first brand new bikes for easter. Pathetic eh? How dare I be a parent when I struggle to pay bills, I should certainly give my children up for adoption since we struggle financially right??? Get a life.

We have a roof over our heads, my kids have good clean clothes on their backs, there's dirty dishes in the sink, so we must have food in the house.

You know what? It wasn't that long ago that I had to go to food banks to feed my kids. Quick!! Call child protection !!

Here's the problem with most upper class people's thinking. Guess what? Everytime you knock someone for being a low income parent, remember that could very easily be you someday. VERY EASILY.

I used to be middle upper class too, then my abusive ex husband lit fire to our 4 bedroom bungalow. Boom. In one day I lost my home, ended up in a battered womans shelter with my oldest two kids, homeless. I had to go to welfare to get some kind of money coming in to get re established. We ended up in public housing for two years (section 8 to those in the states).

I testified against my husband when he stood trial for attempted murder, arson with disregard for human life. Hardest day of my life. I was there every day of that trial if nothing more than to make my presence known and to see him sentenced to a nice long term in prison, to know that he would never again get near my children and that they would be safe from him.

Fast forward 8 years, I'm out of section 8 type housing, but I still rent. Haven't received welfare in years, I proudly work for my money now. But it was there when I needed it, and it'll be there if I ever need it again.

Now, you say I have no right to parent because I'm still technically low income? Grow up & get a life.

Answer 16

I think you've asked this question before, but it was worded more like how is it possible to love someone you've never met.  But it's still basically the same question, just worded differently.

In general in anyone's life if you offered them money or affection and they could only pick one, most people are going to say affection is going to be better and their choice in the long run.  Ever hear of the saying money can't buy happiness?

Many families find a way to make it work on low levels of income.  Many don't.  Many families show abundance of love toward one another.  Many don't.  And then there's the majority, neither rich or poor, but happy and loving, but not all gushy and gleeful.  Again life is not black and white.  You cannot say all as an answer to anything that involves humans or feelings.  It's factually impossible.

So the only guarantee is if your actually make and bare a child can you actually know you'll love that child?  What about fathers then?  Do they not love their children?  Why get married and have children with someone who cannot guarantee they will love those children since they did not actually make and bare that child?  Do only men have the ability to love a child they didn't give birth to?  I'm pretty sure if a man can do it so can a woman.

As a mother I do not feel the need to explain to anyone that I love my child, or why.  She is my child and I love her, it makes no difference to me if she was born to me or not.  

Her other mother loves her as well, and I will not ever try to undervalue that love either.

Love is different from person to person.  It's an emotion that cannot be perfectly explained.  But it is needed for growth and development.  

No one can guarantee anything.  Just because you made and love your children and others you speak with do as well, does not prove that all natural mother's love their children.  

I'm sorry you're confused by this.  Personally I'm confused as to why this is so hard to understand.  I love my child more than any amount of money and I will not justify it to anyone.

Answer 17

I'm amazed in an adoption section how much negative adoption language gets used- even by parents of adopted children.  Adopted children are not given away, they were placed into an adoption plan.  We are not adoptive parents, we are real parents with real children.  

Then we have money vs.love.  It's not because the child is not loved by all sides, they are in most and many cases. I don't think I've run across too many people that adopted saying "the first parents hated the child", I don't think that is so.  While love is a wonderful thing to be able to give and receive, let's be real, love doesn't heal you from illness, put a roof over the head or provide needs for a child.  Money doesn't provide or guarantee happiness either, but unfortunately in our society people are judged by their income and social workers use it as a gage to determine if a family has enough financial resources to provide needs not just for the existing household but the addition of children through adoption.  It doesn't mean you have to be the heir of the Rockefeller fortune to adopt, even though at times it may seem that way. It would be like saying rich people love their kids more than poorer families.  It isn't true.  You can't buy love because it is meaningless to the child and family, but on the other hand you can't live without money to provide groceries, clothing, a house to live in and other essentials- like health care when needed or a place to sleep that is safe.

I'm also not sure where the negative image of first mothers and parents is still coming from. I would have thought we would have advanced past that in this time, but apparently we haven't in some respects.  I think of my son's first mother daily and pray for her health, healing and well being in life.  She is one of the most dear people in the world to me even though she is much younger than myself.  She was never coerced or bullied into placing her child for adoption and completing such a plan.  Even her guardians said it was her decision alone and she made it willingly of her own choice when she learned she was pregnant.