Adoption: is this a good idea considering the following?

Question

I have a 5 1/2 year old child. I never wanted her to be an only child. I have thought about adopting a child who is about the same age (around 5 1/2 or 6).

I would love to have another child to love. And I want my daughter to have a playmate/sister for the rest of her life. They can go to school together, play together, look out for each other, be roomates later in life if needed, etc.

Will my own child feel as if resources (money for things, my attention) that would have been for her are being stretched out? Maybe they'll be great friends, but what if they don't get along?

Would I be introducing complications in our lives that don't need to be there?

Answer 1

If you are considering adoption for a playmate for your child, it's a very bad idea.   Adoption is a life long commitment to love and care for a child for the rest of your life.  You need to go in with an open mind and an open heart.  Any child that is placed with you needs to be loved by you unconditionally.  You also need to be aware that even biological siblings don't always get along.

Seek out some counselling, before making this kind of decision.  On-line discussion can help, but you need a professional to help you sort out your feelings and needs.

Answer 2

Yep, you're definitely introducing complications...but  you would be, too, if you gave birth to another child. :-)  Yep, she will likely feel like the parental time/energy and family resources are stretched sometimes...but she may also wholeheartedly appreciate having a sibling to share them with!  It depends on her, the new child, you and everything else.  Every family is different.

I think it's a wonderful idea.  I would recommend you get a child that is younger than your daughter (even if only a little bit) so the birth order isn't disrupted.

Read as much as you can on adoption, get around other adoptive families, join an adoptive family support group and pull together some resources you may need to call on (therapists, counselors, etc.).

I hope it all goes well & that your dreams are fulfilled!

Answer 3

talk to her about it. i think that adoption should be a WHOlE family decision and the children should be asked their opinion. honestly, if she really dislikes the idea, i probably would not adopt, because that child, who may have already had a hard life, will have to deal with a spiteful sibling... have a family discussion and then make the decision

Answer 4

I think it sounds like a wonderful idea. I don't think any siblings ever wish away the other one just for more toys. Well, maybe when they're little... haha. You should go for it! Your daughter will certainly thank  you someday!

Answer 5

It is very tricky to mess with birth order when adopting.  It does not make for an easy transition, and sometimes permanent struggles may ensue.

It is suggested that you adopt at least two years younger (or older, although this is more of a challenge than younger.).  Therefore, the children may feel less competitive, may accept each others position in the family easier.

FYI, adoption is not a way to create an instant playmate.  It is simply another way to grow our families~  just be careful that your motivation is for the child, not your daughter.  You may inadvertently be setting this situation up for trouble.  If your daughter gets the idea that this adoption is sort of for her, she will most likely use this against you, and her sister!

Adoption is simply the way you choose to have another child.  Plain and simple.

Answer 6

You are asking some interesting and important questions. I am glad to see that you are thinking about this both romantically (playmate/sister/best friend for the rest of her life/ someone to look out for and someone to look our for her etc.) and in a practical way (what about money, attention, going without, paying for college etc.).

Let me tell you as the "real" kid in a home full of foster brothers and sisters (10 kids).  I LOVED IT! I would not have traded that as part of my life for anything.  Whether you adopt a child or take a child into your home as a foster parent I believe both you and your daughter will benefit greatly from the experience.

Kids don't miss what they don't know about. The only way your daughter will be resentful of her new sibling is if you or others help her feel this way. Will you still be able to afford to buy your daughter every little thing she wants. Gosh, I hope not. Spoiling kids with toys does not make them love you more. I would wager a bet that it often has the opposite effect, it makes them start thinking of you a banker rather than a person who has responsiblities to them and herself and who loves them unconditionally. Be that person!

The fact that you are considering having a new child enter your daughter's life says that YOU are a warm and loving person that feels she has a lot of love to give to children. Love is not something that is finite. You can find tons of love for the new child without losing a drop of what you have for your daughter.

You are worried that they might not be best of friends, some days they won't. You hope that they will be the best of friends, some days they will (just the way they would be if you had given birth to both of them).

If you have siblings of your own than you know that this has been true for you in your life. You didn't say, if you were adopted I would be hating you today but because you are my "real" brother I don't hate you.  Kids say, "I hate you!' to their siblings.  Do they mean it? Yes! But only for that minute when mom gave the other sibling something they wanted or they weren't allowed to have their friend over because the other sibling was sick. (And this will happen with both or all of your children). That's part of having more than one child.  Will they get over it? Of course. Life goes on and as dramatic as these things are in that minute they calm down just as quickly.

You may not have come to the day when your child has said, "I hate you mom." to you and storms out of the room dragging a huge piece of your heart with her. But that day will come. It comes for all of us. Do we think she really means it?

No. (At least not long term). And the next time she says it, it will hurt less and you will realize that she just said it "to push your buttons" and you will move on. When you say, "I know but you're doing that anyhow." She'll stop saying it. That's life.

If you are an only child you must know how much you would have liked to have a playmate as you grew up. Will your daughter survive without one? Of course. And there are things that an only child will learn that a child with siblings will not just as there are things that siblings learn that only children do not.  To me one of the most important things they  learn is to share and to realize that not everyone thinks the way they do all of the time.

There is no perfect age for the baby you want to adopt. There is also not a perfect gender choice here.  You should consider a boy as well. I have two (natural/real) sisters and one brother and through the years my sisters and I have been close and at other times not very close at all. But my brother has always been a strong influence in my life. It also helps having a male figure that you and your daughter respect and treat well. You want your daughter to make good life partner choices and learning respect for men and how they think (and how it differs from the way we think) will be important to her. [I wanted girls, ended up with two boys who are the best thing that ever happened in my life.]

Whatever you decide, I am sure it will be a good choice for you.  One of my friends recently adopted a child (baby) from China after a five year wait.  Her other daughter (age 9) was a part of that process the whole time and especially in the last six months when they received news that she was approved and the baby was awaiting her trip. Making this daughter part of the process will make her less resentful of the sibling when he or she arrives.  Also remember to be fair with all of your children. (Remember that fair does not necessarily mean equal. Giving a pair of glasses to one child who needs them is fair, not forcing the other child who does not need them to wear them is also fair but the action is not equal. Does that make sense?).

Good luck with your choice. I am sure you will make the one that will be best for your family.

Answer 7

most 6 year olds do not even know how much money we spend on them etc. as long as you make sure and give them equal amounts of love and possessions this should not affect your daughter at all.

my aunt took on a child the same age as her daughter and she gave the foster kid all the hand me downs and dirty stained stuff and gave her own child new stuff... yes this affected the child horribly!!! luckily my mom ended up adopting her!

and as far as not getting along... most blood siblings have fights now and then, it is normal!

Answer 8

I suggest that you do research on adopting out of birth order, "virtual twinning", and older child adoption.  I understand your desire for another child and your desire for your daughter not to be an only child, but the desire for your daughter to have a lifelong playmate is not a reason to adopt.  Research adoption issues before adopting.

Answer 9

Artificial twinning and adopting out of birth order is generally frowned upon by child psychology experts. Also, adopting a "playmate" for an existing child is discouraged as well.

I would suggest you read up on possible negatives for both children and parent before committing. You may even want to visit with a child psychologist to see what the current reasearch says about it.

Answer 10

I'm no expert so you should definitely take others' advice about birth order and ages of the children and all that.

What I am is an adopted only daughter and let me tell you from personal experience: it sucks. I wish every day that I had a brother or sister growing up. My mom didn't want me to be an only child either, but my dad pressured her into not adopting another baby.

You can't predict how your daughter will react to a new sibling, whether she will feel some attention is taken away or if they will get along famously. The decision should be the same as a couple deciding whether to have another child biologically. Do you want another child to love? Will you love the second child just as much as your first wonderful daughter? It sounds like you do and will. That is all that matters.

I can't predict, but given my experience I think the change would be positive for your daughter. I was very lonely growing up and I think another child in the house would have helped me a lot. A child should never be seen as an "unnecessary complication." If your second child is meant to be there, then it's meant to be. It will only add to both your and your daughter's lives.

I wish you the best of luck. Your daughter is lucky that she has a loving mother who wants to give her the best life possible.

Answer 11

I have adopted a girl age 5 when I had bio boys age 7 & 11.  My advice, if you want to adopt that is wonderful!  be cautious however about the child you adopt.  You are thinking of one from foster care I assume since you mentioned a child around 5 or 6.  Most of the children in foster care will have significant "issues" to deal with.  Even though they are young usually major damage has been done.  Infants that don't bond with their moms can have life long attachment disorders.  You can't fix that just by loving him/her.  Also I would suggest a child around your daughters age, but one that would not be in the same grade/class at school.  Your daughter will now have to share her life, her parents love, her home, possibly her room and toys with this new family member, she should at least have school as a place of her own.  There is a lot of adjusting to do in adoption and I think she will need much emotional space to deal with it.  You may see the child as a playmate and she may too (at first), but chances are that after the novelty wears off she will see the new child as competition and resent her.  Give it lots of thought maybe even foster a child first to test the waters.  Consider that a foster trial of 9 months to 1.5 years would be a good amount of time to see what you are really going to be dealing with.  Good luck!

Answer 12

This is what stood out the most in your question...

"And I want my daughter to have a playmate/sister for the rest of her life. They can go to school together, play together, look out for each other, be roomates later in life if needed, etc."

That is a huge obligation that you are expecting out of your future hypothetical child to fill.

Answer 13

get a younger child

the new one wont be taking her "spot"

in the order of things and they wont be going to college for the first time in the same year