Adoption or IVF?

Question

why is it, that alot of people on Y/A seem to think that it is wrong for an adoptive parent to want to adopt a child because she cant have kids of her own? Obviously they are going to adopt if they cant have kids!

What is wrong with that?

Why do people think adoptive parents are selfish if they have tried IVF first?

Sorry but i dont understand the big thing. I dont see why anyone should be concerned about that.

If the child is going to have a stable home with loving parents, then why should it matter?

Answer 1

First of all its people like the one who said adoption is second best. Not adoption is the best thing a person can do.  To me if you want to try for one of your own then great and nothing happens then go and adopt. A person who adopts isnt making it the second choice in life. Some pople just think that. To me and my husband we were going to try IVF but our birht mom came to us. So, we didnt go through with it. Was it a second choice NO! That is what god wanted us to do.  And for the ones who say they will never belong to an adopted family(the babies) you are just down right worng. Our daughter does belong with us and has boned with US!!!!

Answer 2

I don't think there's anything wrong with people wanting to try to conceive their own children first, before considering adoption as another avenue.  I think it's only natural to want to go through the actual childbearing process, since women are taught since childhood that being a mother and having a baby is one of the most fulfilling experiences of womanhood.  Society makes us feel inferior, or somehow damaged, if we can't or don't want to conceive our own children, and I think that is partly why many women try IVF before considering adoption.  Nobody should sit in judgment about a very personal issue like this.  And adopting beautiful, deserving children who need a family of their own is always a wonderful thing to do, regardless of whether a couple tried for their own children first or not.

Answer 3

It's the hypocrisy that bothers me.

In the scenario you've described above, the adopted kids are really third choice.  First they tried naturally, then scientifically, and finally adoption.

Peachy keen.  These are comments I hear that give me pause.

"God meant for us to adopt you"

"We spent all or money on IVF, can we have a fundraiser to help us adopt?"

"We tried an open adoption, but we just couldn't do it!"

"We need to get him some therapy, HE'S got attachment disorders!"

"I can't believe she would search for her 'birthmother', we're her REAL parents!"

I would have been THRILLED if my parents hadn't pretended  that I was their first choice, because they wouldn't have been mine either.

Is annoying when APs try every way under the sun to have their own biological kids, but do zero research on HOW to properly raise adopted kids.  Or they PAY for what they really wanted--their own children--but need financial help to adopt, because, well it's charity.  And because they didn't have their own kids, they want to act as if their children have no other parents/history, etc.

It just always seems to be what's 'best' for the APs.

Answer 4

I would just like to point out that adoption is not always a SECOND choice for couples to have a family.

Couples adopt for many different reasons just as natural mothers place their babies for adoption for many reasons.

There will always be a need for both.

Answer 5

ive actually never heard anyone make that statement before. I never knew that people frowned upon parents who adopt after trying IVF..

Answer 6

I dont see what is wrong with it.

Answer 7

From a psychological point of view adoptive parents who have suffered from many years of infertility are suffering from "loss". (See anything by D.M. Brodzinsky).  Before going on to adopt, it is thought that they should resolve these feelings of loss. This is so that they can adopt with the full realization that the child is not a replacement for the child they cannot bear biologically. Because if they go into an adoption with this attitude, they will be disappointed and ultimately the child will suffer hugely. That is not to say that adoptive parents cannot overcome the loss of infertility. It is just that they need to face it and work with it.

Answer 8

Honestly IVF and Infertility and Adoption  are equally difficult paths to building a family. Each has their own risks and pitfalls are are both full of equal uncertainties.

I think that people who choose to adopt are not choosing it as a second option. They are choosing it as a first option. There are millions of children in the world that are waiting for families, so why would it matter.

I myself have gone through several years of infertility and although the treatments were successful, we will pursue adoption as a family.

I have several friends who only adopted and are extremely happy.  They believe that after the adoption was completed that child is their son or daughter and not "adopted".

Answer 9

I have a problem with the hypocrisy of it all.

More often than not, adopters who adopt as a second or third choice on the road to parenting are the same people who insist that adoption is just another way to make a family, biology does not matter, etc etc fill in the appropriate adoption industry tripe.

Answer 10

I don't have a problem with IVF OR with adoption.  And I have no problem with people adopting if IVF fails.  I've never heard of people having issues with that.

I do have a problem with people thinking they are entitled to be parents and that their need to parent should be placed higher than morals, ethics or the rights and needs of others.

I am thankful for my children but I have never considered it my right to have them.  For me it is a privilege and one I take very seriously.

There are times when I find this sense of entitlement troublesome.  It makes me question people's motives when I see the lengths they will go to to become parents.  

I am also troubled be the way some people seem to place orders for their adopted children, infants only, girls only, from a certain country only, no special needs...  It seems odd to me that a practice that is supposed to be considered helping a child should allow people to make such specific selections.

In the meantime, there are children living in foster care hoping for families while many potential adoptive parents are holding out for a newborn infant.

Now I am not saying this is true in all cases by any means and there are many here on Y!A who have adopted children who are truly in need of a home.  But it does seem to happen a lot in the real world.

Answer 11

In response to Adoptions answer, I feel terribly hurt for her to imply that there is something else I should be doing than parenting because I cannot have children of my own.  Did we try to conceive naturally and then through IVF? Yes, did we lose children to miscarriage, yes, all very trying emotionally and physcially................HOWEVER.......... ONE thing that NEVER changed is that we wanted to PARENT.  We never look at our daughter and feel as if she is "second best" that is absurd. We truly feel that God did have a plan for us and for her. That the grueling waiting period for our placement that seemed never ending was because of this "plan". It truly all made sense after wards when we realized all of the connections between her birth mother and us (a stranger we never knew).  So, I am sorry that you feel this way, you are entitled to your feelings of course, however, it is not fair for you to pass judgment on adoptive parents in this way.  As they say, sometimes you must walk a mile in my shoes before passing judgment............think about that, and also, try to be thankful for your life and the gifts you have been offered thus far...........Being pessimistic and negative is very contagious and can be hurtful to others.

Answer 12

I think some people feel a child might have issues being their parent’s last resort. You know they tried years to TTC, then tried a few years of fertility treatment before settling for adoption. I would not judge someone for using IVF or trying that before they started an adoption process.  I don’t see the point in spending possibly thousands of dollars for something that is not guaranteed. Even more when for me having biological kin is not important to me.   I know there are risks in adoption as well but if it’s a good agency they will hook you up with someone else if the adoption fails. Plus I might even just adopt from foster care or an orphanage in South America somewhere.



Yes adoption is some people’s second choice, but it is not the case for everybody. If able I will be adopting regardless if I can have bio children. In fact I think I might adopt first. I have read of some other people who choice adoption first, these people may not be the majoirty but it just goes to show you adoption is not always secound choice.  I ‘m an adoptee and I don’t consider my parents 2nd best; they are number 1 in my heart. I wouldn’t trade them for bioparents in zillion years.

Answer 13

Adoption is a SECOND choice to having one's own children. Why not admit it? Adoption is different from having one's own bio kids, and you should realize that you'll be second best in the eyes of your adoptlings as well. So why settle for runnerups? Find peace with the gift of infertility. Apparently there is a higher purpose for you than parenting.

Homes are not interchangable, we are born with unique traits that would best be nurtured by our own parents.

Answer 14

When someone looks into adoption...

it should be because they want to nurture a child,

give a home and security to a child that TRULY needs it

they should look into separation issues for children

they should look into what they can do for that child because they want to help that child grow into everything he/she can be...

they should NOT look into adoption as a "cure" for infertility...

as a way to "build a family"

as a last resort at having children....

that completly disrespects the child as a a human being, as a being who needs ALOT MORE than to be the "answer to someones infertility"

adoptees aren't here to fix anyone else's problems, we're not "cures" to childless couples

we're not "answers to someones prayers"

we come with issues of our own from loss of family, loss of identity, loss of culture, clan, and we deserve to be treated as such. Adoptees are not here to fullfill anyone elses dreams, we're here to be either taken care of by people who respect us as human beings with needs of our own, or leave us alone and let us care for ourselves!

When someone looks into adoption because they've failed at having chlidren on their own, IVF has failed, all options have failed, it becomes about THEIR NEEDS, adoption should NEVER be about the NEEDS OF THE ADOPTERS, it should ALWAYS BE ABOUT THE NEEDS OF THE ADOPTEE.

Answer 15

To me it isn't so much that it "matters" how I got into my current family, but that people claim there's "no difference" between being adopted and staying in one's family of origin.  Of course everything about my life, and my a'parents' lives, would have been different had they had their own children/had I stayed with my first mother.  To deny that is to deny reality.  

Accepting these differences, even learning to celebrate them, is one of the big things my a'parents got right.  It's OK that I was their "second choice," and that my first mother would not have chosen to be pregnant anymore than my a'parents chose to be infertile.  It's how things were and are.    

I don't think trying IVF, or not doing so, necessarily makes a person selfish.  I mainly see selfishness when I see PAPs who don't want to accept that adoption has changed, that they may have to settle for something "less" than the elusive healthy white infant and closed adoption they feel entitled to.  This by no means describes all PAPs or APs.

Answer 16

I think it's when people try IVF because 'blood matters'

but if that fails they adopt proclaiming that 'blood doesn't matter' !

Answer 17

Our FIRST CHOICE was a FAMILY.  We feel that the way we thought our family would occur was not what God had planned for us, and thus we suffered the loss of miscarriages, failed infertility attempts, etc., because God had a bigger plan for us to adopt our son.  We also feel that those losses and challenges made us better able to parent our son and provide for his life-threatening disorder.

People often ask me why I continued infertility treatments or why I just didn't want to live as a "childless" couple.  It is very easy for people to say those things if they have never experienced infertility or the labels that society places on infertile women.  

Another answerer above suggests that adoptive parents should just admit that "adoption is a SECOND choice to having one's own children".   Let me make it perfectly clear to anyone who may feel differently, I did NOT CHOOSE to suffer from infertility.  I did NOT CHOOSE to suffer failed ICSI attempts or miscarriages.  Perhaps some people would argue that adoption was our second or third choice on how to start a family.  I personally believe that is what God had in His plan for us.  But my question is why is choosing adoption as a 2nd choice to become a parent any different than an adoptee who feels that they would have preferred to have been aborted or lived with their bio families rather than adopted?  Obviously adoptees did not choose to be adopted, but I did not choose to be infertile either.

I believe ALL children need a loving and safe home.

Answer 18

we tried everything...including 2 rounds of IVF....we're in the process of adoption right now.

i'm sorry if that offends anyone. i wanted to weigh all my options. i can't get pregnant. now i know....i will adopt.

blessings.

Answer 19

It should not.

We adopted both our daughters from China. I had a complete hysterectomy at 35, and we had tried for 10 yrs before that with IVF and domestic adoption.

You are adding to your family and your heart with the love of a child. It does not matter from where that child comes. Your body, or your heart.