Adoption or not, I don't know what to do?

Question

I’m pregnant with twins and I don’t know whether or not to keep my babies or give them up for adoption.

I thought about having an abortion but I couldn’t afford it and I don’t think I could go through with it anyway.

The father has ****** off and isn’t interested, I don’t even know where he is and I doubt he’ll be back.

It’s even worse because I’m having twins.

I have no family and no friends to help me. It will just be me completely alone 24/7 babies. How can I do that? If I’m exhausted or anything there will be no one to take over while I sleep, I will literally be alone all the time. People I know with even only 1 baby need help and I’ll have two. How will I do it?

Also how will I afford it? I’ll have to leave my job because a crèche will be €1200 a month and if I’m working I won’t get help with rent so that will be €1000 a month. That’s €2200 before we've even paid a bill or eaten. I only earn €1500 a month now there is no way I will earn enough money for that.

I will have to go on the lone parents like everyone else does. Even that’s not enough money though. I’ll get my rent paid and €245 a week and €249 a month children’s allowance. €1265 a month is not enough to take care of me and two babies.

Everyone I’ve ever known on lone parents aren’t really alone they had their mother or a boyfriend living with them giving them money and that’s how they managed. I won’t have that.

How will I do it?

When I say all that it seems like I should give them up but the idea of never seeing them is killing me.

I’ll worry about where they are and if they are ok. How can I trust the people who get them? I’m not the kind of person who would even want to leave my children with a babysitter unless I knew them for years how can I hand my children over to strangers?

I know plenty of people who seem real nice but are nasty s***s and they could be like that. I would go insane. The only way I know my children are safe is when they are with me. And I know you are supposed to say whats in the best interest of the child but is my children’s best interests to be given to strangers who could be awful people?

And then what if I met them when they were older and they find out I gave them up to someone richer and they will be angry because most other mothers keep their kids and go on lone parents and they’ll think I gave them up just so I could spend money on myself.

I don’t know what to do I went to talk to unplanned pregnancy places but they all have an agenda. They are convincing you o it a should give your baby up or that it’s unnatural to give your baby up, I can’t get any genuine advice.

I don’t know how I will be able to afford keeping them and how I will cope with twins alone

But I can’t bare the idea of never seeing them and possibly giving them to awful people (which could happen and is not in their best interests)

What can I do?

Answer 1

Personally I think you are the luckiest person ever! Me and my husband have been trying for a baby for 4 and a half years and have never been able to conceive! I would gladly adopt your babies! :)

I would recommend keeping them though, you wont be as bad off as you think. You could also possibly move to the UK, and then you will get all the help you need!

I am sorry you are in such a tight position here, but of course you will love your babies and if the safest place for them is with you, then they should stay with you!

You will cope, like everyone does! Having children is like a dream to me, the dream that just wont come true! There are people out there just like me who would gladly give your babies a loving home where they will always be loved!

But then again, there is also that chance that the people aren't as good as they are made out to be.

I just think keep your babes and enjoy your life with your kids!

Hope this helps.

xxxxxxx

Answer 2

I'm Irish too and I can tell you if it's the money you're worried about you can do it on that money.

For a start your children's  allowance is more than that. You'll get  one and a half times the normal rate for each child not the between them so you get €498 a month along with your €245 a week. You also get a once off multiple birth once of bonus of €635.

You can get fuel allowance too. Go down to the welfare and find out everything you are entitled to. Also if you smoke it helps a lot if you stop because saving €50 a week from not smoking helps so much.

Go to Mabs and they will help you make up a budget

http://www.mabs.ie/

The people at Mabs are very good.

If you're living in Dublin and you have nothing keeping you there then you might consider moving down the country. Everything is cheaper.

Look here and find lone parent support groups near you too.

http://www.solo.ie/

They will be able to give you support and advice.

You only really have to survive on just the lone parents until the children go to school. Once they are in school you can work and earn €120 a week without losing your lone parents payment. So once they are in school you can get on a CE scheme.

There are women out there who are actually alone and surviving in the lone parents, it is do-able. It will be hard but your children won't starve or suffer. It'll be hard on you so you should really go to lone parent support groups tehy really rally around each other. My mother was a single mother and where I grew up are born to single mothers. You'll find that they all help each other.

Answer 3

i'm a 39 yo adoptee.  i wish to god my mother had kept me.

money means nothing.

Answer 4

well i have read what you have said, and i say you are very lucky in what you have I'm a married women and i long to have a child/children with my husband but the good lord said no so we are looking for that special person to help us have a family of our own i wish you could see how lucky you are with those beautiful babies inside you the gift of life, just because you have cash problems doesn't mean you give up on your babies its not there falt,

you can talk to a lady i no her email is [e-mail] maybe she can help you with this she lives in the u.k and shes honest,and loyal to the core.

i wish you all the luck in the world for you and your babies  

Answer 5

i hope you will think long and hard about this do not do anything in haste i am sure there is plenty of help out there for you and your twins i myself cannot have kids so i do not think i could do that ,but i am not in your shoes, but please please please look at all your options first .

Answer 6

At the end of the day, its your decision, and your decision only.

i know what its like to be a single mum.

i had a 4 yr old when me and my ex split and i found out i was pregnant.

So,my 4 year old didn't take naps, and i had a newborn...it WAS hard, really hard at times, but i just did what i could do...slept when i could, even if it meant going to bed at the same time as my 4 year old...as long as i got sleep, and had a ROUTINE, i was ok.

So, IF you decide to keep your babies, ignore the housework and everything else when they are born, just sleep when they sleep, during the day too.

If you feel you ant to put them up for adoption, don't let anyuone make you feel bad for doing that.

Answer 7

you've already shown you are a good mother by realizing and admitting you can not raise these little ones alone.  you understand that raising them on government allowances will make life difficult at best.  imagine not being able to give your little ones the necessities of life let alone a good christmas, or birthday parties.  

i think the greatest gift you can give your children is to allow them to be adopted by a couple who can give them not only a loving and stable home but also the material things that make life that much nicer.

you can write a letter to your children and ask that it be given to the adoptive parents and leave it to them to give it to the twins when they are old enough to understand what adoption is and how it affected you.  they will realize how totally unselfish and loving you were to give them a better chance at life.

good luck to you sweetie.  you are a very brave young lady and i wish you the very best!

Answer 8

I only wish I could solve your dilemma. All I will say is that, don't feel pressuried to do something by anyone.

And if you do give them up for adoption, make sure you are making the right decision becuase I once watched a programme and years afterwards, mothers had bitterly regretted giving up their babies.

Maybe you could get a personal loan from a family member?

EDIT- I just wanna say how strong you are, I could never imagine what you are going through. I could never give my child up though.

Answer 9

If you're this unsure about adoption, I don't think it's right for you. I think you should parent your babies. Money and fear of single-motherhood aren't a good basis for making a major life decision. Both of those things can change, but placing your children for adoption is forever.

Children don't need lots of money to be raised properly. As long as their basic needs are met-- and public assistance can help you with that-- then they're being adequately provided for. I know society and the media suggest kids need a lot of material things, but that really isn't true. If you love and care for them, that's the most important.

Millions of people the world over have been successful single parents. Lots of them have more than one child, or even twins like yours. It's more challenging than raising a child with help, but it can be done. I suggest getting in contact with other single parents in your area for advice and support.

I really don't think you should place your children if you aren't sure it's right for you. If you truly want to parent, the other things can be worked out. Given how unsure you are about adoption, I think you should make an effort to try to keep your twins. If you try parenting and it really turns out to be too much to handle, you can always place them later-- but you can't undo an adoption once it's become final. If you are at all in doubt about adoption, don't do it.  

Answer 10

I am so sorry for the position your in. Just think about it a little more. I think you keeping them could be done, it might be hard. If you decide to put them up for adoption I'm sure you could find a couple to adopt that would be willing to allow some contact. Just don't rule out keeping them just yet. Best wishes for you and your twins.

Answer 11

If u were to go for adoption, the people social services choose will have been properly vetted.

I really dont know what to say, in the area u live is there any multiple birth support groups where u can meet up with mums to be or mums already to twins?

In the end this will be ur choice to make and u will have to live with the concequences of either decision.

make a list of pros and cons for each sinario and then decide.

Good luck x

Answer 12

This brochure was put together by mothers that lost their children to adoption in the USA. It has many points which are applicable to women around the world that find themselves in a crisis situation as you are.

Please have a read -

http://www.cubirthparents.org/booklet.pd...

You can do anything you put your mind to - and I can already sense that you really don't want to lose your babies to adoption.

To be blunt - your babies don't want to lose you.

Find help in your area - find a support group for single mothers - find a support group for multiple birth mums - just find the support you need to get you through this.

You can do this - you already care for your babes deeply - you just need to find your inner strength - and you can do this.

Adoption is a long term solution - to an often short term problem.

There are no guarantees in adoption.

These babies won't be babies forever - they'll grow into beautiful children - that you will cherish always.

Sending you strength and hope across the airways.

Answer 13

I would say keep them! you obviously have love for them and one way or another you WILL MANAGE! surely you will get a health visitor and they will reccomend groups to make new friends, and if things got hard then perhaps approach social services for HELP maybe respite BUT PLEASE DONT GIVE THEM AWAY IT COULD BE SOMETHNG YOU REGRET FOREVER. one way or another you WILL COPE!!!!!!  hate to say it but if all else fails move to uk,, we have tax credits in place here per child and if you work it goes up further. also 80percent of childcare costs the government pay for

Answer 14

you do not know what the future holds but by being in such a mess is not healthy place for yourself or your babies, when you give birth to your own its a truly awesome experience and the love felt is pure and unconditional. It seems that as you are in such a dilemma that says to me that you really care deep down about these babies, it is surprising what one can cope with when you feel connected and you love your babies. You will get through and yes there is always hard times but they are far outweighed by times of joy. Also when you have your babies they will help you through, you say you have no one well you will no longer have to cope on your own as they will be there with you and for you. Children are awesome you know they are as demanding as we as parents make them parenting is fun rewarding and a trulyful experience  good luck  you do not need money to be a good parent. Be calm find peace be gentle with yourself

Answer 15

If you really want your children, keep them. I know you will do the best you can and make it if you put your mind to it. If you feel you don't want to take the risk, adoption is a good option. Talk to an agent, a lawyer, or someone who will explain more on how it works, and ask personally for them to choose parents who will be all the qualities you want your children to be raised in.  

Answer 16

Move to the U.S.A. sell everything and move here.

Answer 17

You are half way to getting the help by admitting it. I just wish I could help you. Can't imagine being in your position.

Edit: Any chance you could move to England?

Answer 18

keep your twins by the law the government will give you a bit of money for you and your children to survive belive me if you give them up for adoption you will regret it.don't give them up! and dont lose hope and good luck!

Answer 19

I think that if you have love for your children, then you can make it work. Will it be easy? No way. But it is possible, and you can do it. Why do you have no family to help you out?

Maybe you could join some sort of organization or church that you could make some friends at and usually people are pretty willing to help someone out in a time of need.

If you really feel that you cannot support your children and yourself, and that adoption is the only way to go - you can set up interviews with people, you can also have what is called an open adoption - which is when you can be granted permission to visit your children (though not always), and you do get to pick the parents, they send you pictures, and you are capable of writing letters.

*edit* ohh... you're in Ireland, that does make things a little different, I was thinking you were in England somewhere. Ireland does have pretty strict policies when it comes to adoption... But you can still look into organizations and support groups that may be able to help you out if you want to keep your babies.

Answer 20

I know what it is like to hit rock bottom and be in your situation...I was there myself a few years back but I am not proud of the decision that I made and would love to be able to help someone else not make the same mistake.

So, either you give your children up for adoption or raise them yourself, you have already made a better decision than I did and I hope you realize how brave you are for going through with your pregnancy!

I wish you were in the US. I would love to adopt your twins and give them a loving home. Like you, I do not have much money and am not married but I know that I have enough love in me to overcome those things, and I am sure you do as well!!!

GOOD LUCK!!!!!!

Answer 21

There is so much help out there, you just have to know how to access the help you need.  I would start with your local Community Mental Herlath Center.  We livein St Clair County, MI, so ours is called St Clair County Community Mental Health.

I know that there are support services, and groups that would help you.  

I wonder if you go to church.  Maybe someone there would want to help you out.

Your local Department of Human Services Office also has programs for families that are at risk and need help to keep them together.  I know that they have programs such as Families First in which a worker comes out to your house and helps you.

There are plenty of programs available, you just need to ask around and find out what is available to you.

I have 3 birth children and 5 adopted children.  I am sure you can make this work and keep your babies.

Also there is subsidized housing. Not a place you would want to live forever, but maybe something that would work for now.

Also, you are going to want to file for child support, and they will find him, and keep him income tax refund, as well as automatically deducting from his check weekly.

I am sure your city, country has programs to help young struggling moms.

I know over here there are twin suport groups that you can attend.

Think long and hard about this.

Maybe it is worth trying to make it with the babies to see so you wouldn't always be wondering...

Good luck

christina didnt actually write this. christina is only 15, and doesnt know too much about it. i am debbie, christinas mom. christina asked me if i could try and help you. i hope i helped.

Answer 22

i'm not going to sat yes get your twins adopted but i'm not going to say no either all i am going to say is wait until they are born and your heart will tell you then,

my son's dad doesn't bother with him and i raised him myself, what i can tell you from a mothers point of view is that you will feel the love for you children when you hold them for the first time  

Answer 23

I'm really sorry, I can't imagine what your going through. I could never give my baby up but I also know I want him/her to have the best life possible. I would say look into adoption more, maybe an open adoption that way you could see them still. You even get to pick out the parents from what I've heard. No one can make your decisions for you though, your just going to have to do a lot of soul searching. Picture your life both ways and see which makes more sense.

Answer 24

NO WAY>>>>ADOPTION IS OUT OF DA QUESTION, WHY WOULD U GIVE AWAY YOUR BLESSINGS FROM GOD...GOD PLACED THEM IN YOU LIFE FOR A REASON...GOD MAKES NO MISTAKES, TRUST ME HE WILL FIX YOUR LIFE IF HE GAVE YOU TWINS....AND s***w THE FATHER!!

Answer 25

i really feel for you wish i could help you

Answer 26

I am hearing you say you don't want to put your babies into the hands of strangers, and that your main concerns are that you have seemingly double the exhaustion and financial factors to deal with because you have twins.

I can tell you that the physical exhaustion factor is short lived, during that early period when the children are eating machines and you are deprived of decent intervals of sleep.  If you can find some support group to help out, a friend or anyone, for just a couple of hours relief a week, that will get you through the first few months.  Seriously - it's just the initial first couple months that are the marathon.  You will get used to it, and then once you are used to it, it will just get easier and easier.  It is like building muscles.  Don't be afraid.  There are also amazing rewards.  

I spoke to a twin's mother once, and she said they were no problem because of the strong connection they had - that they cooed to each other and kept each other company, so except for cleaning up after them and carting them around, they were actually easier to care for than her non-twins.

As a mother of two on welfare for awhile, I can tell you it is humiliating but do-able.  They will give you just enough to get by on, but not one penny more.  As a previous poster stated, you will get more aid because you have twins.  And there are usually multiples groups who have second hand strollers, etc. to give out.  Once they reach school age, or if your country provides early childcare programs, you can return to school or career and carve out something for yourself.  You will learn how to become very very resourceful, which is actually a really great skill to have!  I won't say it is easy.  Almost impossible. But you can do it!  

You are right - your children will be better off in your arms than in the arms of strangers.  As an abused adoptee, I am proof that bad adoptive parents slip through the screening process.  My babies were the first unconditional love I'd ever received and I wouldn't trade one  moment.  They are my best friends, and our struggles together brought us closer together.

All my best wishes to you!

Answer 27

I was adopted as a baby because my biological mother was not old enough or capable of taking care of me and in my eyes it was the best decision. I was bought up by a family that I love and they took great care of me. I've had a much better start in life then I probably would have if she'd kept me.

I think you'll know what the best decision is at the time. But don't feel guilty for giving a child up if you truly believe it is in their best interests. Maybe see if there is anyway of keeping any contact with the children through updates from the adoption society. And families have to go through so much these days to be able to adopt. It can take 2-3 years of visits and interviews background checks and then constant visits for the first 6 months of a childs placement....so the chances of them going to a horrible family are incredibly small....who would go through all that if they didn't really want a child they could love.

I was adopted through the catholic children society who also don't have open adoptions (or didn't in the early 80's) but my parents sent letters and photos once a year to my bio mum through the adoption office and when I as 15 I was given some information about what my bio mother had done in life and other children she had, I felt a bit bitter when I was a teenager but all teenagers do...they always find something to be angry about!! but if they are placed with a family who are open about the reasons that they were adopted then they will grow up knowing you had their best interests at heart.

good luck in whatever decision you make.