Adoption or not...........?

Question

What do you think is a better alternative to for a child in a situation like this? Child is loved by bio mother (father does not claim child or want anything to do with him) but the mother has shown over and over again she is not capable of caring for her child. She has been given support but rejects it or is unable to comprehend what is being shared with her. She cannot keep a home, job, or stable life. Should the child stay with the bio mom or be adopted into a family that can give it a stable home?

Answer 1

it should be adopted and maybe the mom could visit

Answer 2

Question is, will the child be adopted, or spend a life shuffled from foster home to foster home.

Answer 3

I am reading this excellent book titled "Hope's Boy" by Andrew Bridge  

A product of the awful foster care system he gradulated from Harvard Law and went on to help reform the system.

He is the direcor of the Alliance for Children's Rights's

He states in his book that:  "My mother loved me more then she could care for me."

I think we as rational sane people need to acknowledge there are some instances that parents simply cannot and should not parent. There is one particular person within my own family who sounds similar to what you mentioned above.

She no doubt loves her kids very much but has not managed to get her act together in seven years. She will go to rehab and the kids are then split between us.....she comes out and does well for awhile...the kids come home and soon after the demon hits her again. The cycle starts all over again. This has caused a tremendous strain on the kids. Their childhood is being stolen one piece at a time. Instead of worrying about the normal childhood things they worry about if mommy is going to be ok THIS time.

I heard the term LAY-A-WAY kids once. Let's put them on lay-a-way to we get ourselves together. While it works for furniture it does not work for children. Whether mom and dad are there or not kids still continue to have needs and wants.

They grow up while the parents emotional maturity is stunted.

I say adoption. Or at the very least kinship care (relatives). This is WHY we have so many older kids in foster care needing homes. The kids have to come first!!!

Answer 4

I can't imagine having a child, then giving it up for adoption.  It has to be one of the most terrifying experiences.  I respect anyone who is able to make that decision.  I don't think there is a love any greater.  You're not saying, I don't want you.  You're saying I love you and I want what is best for you, but I can't give it to you.  That takes a tremendous amount of courage and demands respect.

I was adopted, as an adopted child...I'm glad my mom gave me up for adoption.  My dad didn't want anything to do with me.  My mom was in college and wasn't able to take care of me.  So, she put me up for adoption.  I'm thankful for that every time I think about it.  I was adopted by two wonderful human beings who have given me a wonderful life.  I'm now 40 and trying to adopt a child of my own.  I only hope that I can be as wonderful a parent as they both have been to me.

Answer 5

You say that the bio mother loves her child- so if that is the case she wants what is best for him/her.  The question if the child should stay with the mother, depends on how capable she is in caring for her child- and she says no.  I think it is the most selfless thing that a mother can do is look at for the interest of her child, even if that means adoption.  If I got pregnant and could not , for whatever reason, take care of the child, the way that I feel he/she should be cared for, then I would choose adoption-  I am sure glad my bio mom and the bio mom of our 2 adopted kids did.

Answer 6

If she can't take care of her child & won't accept the help given to her to care for her child, then what point is there in the child staying with her? You have to think about it from her point of view as well though. She was left by her child's father & feels abandoned...she probably doesn't WANT the help, but needs to be told that she CAN raise her child & that it's okay for her to accept the help. If that doesn't work, then there's nothing else she can do for her child...that child deserves more than she can give to him or her.

Answer 7

adoption - there are ways of finding somebody that will still allow the bio mother to be involved in the childs life, but just not to be the mother figure in their life.

Answer 8

The ideal situation would be that the birthmother would wake up and realize she needs help and get a stable life.

Children need stability so if the birthmother can not give it to them, then maybe adoption is the right answer.

Answer 9

Adoption it would be the best for the child.  The cild needs what his mom cann't give him a home, food, love, ect....

Answer 10

There are several good answers here about helping the mom accept help, etc.  You don't mention the age of the child. Children usually want to keep at least a connection with their mom, even if they can't live with her.  You also didn't mention any danger to the child in this situation.

As long as she is not a danger to her child...How about guardianship, or kinship care for the child?  The child can be given a stable, loving home AND still allowed to maintain contact & a loving connection with his/her mother.  

Just as a parent can love more than one child; a child's heart is big enough to love more than one or two "parents".  Just look at some step families, where kids have an "extra" pair of parents.  

Be sure to reassure the child OFTEN that although the mom isn't able to care for him/her or provide a stable home, that doesn't mean she doesn't love them.  She does to the best of her ability.  

Why would anyone want to completely cut out a loving relationship from a child's life?

Hope this is useful...

Answer 11

As long as she is able to keep her child SAFE (physically, emotionally, etc.), the child should stay with the mother.  The mother's independent attitude is not a reason to be separated from her child.

Answer 12

Thats easy....adoption. Afterall its all about the welfare of the child, not selfeshness of the mother.

Answer 13

This is a tough question to answer.  Yes, the child needs proper care and love.  However, for some...it takes a while to adapt to having a baby, especially if this mom is young.  I know for me (being a mom at 17), it took me a while to "grow up" and realize life wasn't all about me.  I know now that I couldn't be a better mom to my kids.  Having children is a learning process through out their whole life and no parent is perfect.  If you feel the child is in harm and not being well taken care of, call Child Services and have them investigate.

Answer 14

A child needs love and stability.  Adoption is a great alternative in the situation that you describe.