Adoption order and the desire to search....?

Question

Lillie's question on age at adoption and desire to search

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AtseKfqW9nqMEIRSgd9cdetq.Bd.;_ylv=3?qid=20080305114047AABxnNr

reminded me of something I've been curious about - adoption order and desire to search.

I've always wanted to search, while my adopted sister who came to our home four years later used to always state she never wanted to search.

My talking about searching during my teen years made my adoptive mother very uncomfortable. I wondered if perhaps my younger adoptive sister saw how uncomfortable it made her, and that shaped her opinions, as not to hurt our mother's feelings. One of her reasons she gave me once as to why she didn't want to search was not to hurt mom.

So any answers will have two parts:

a.) Have you searched/do you want to search?

b.) What was your place in the adoption order, i.e, only child, eldest, youngest, middle?

Thanks.

Answer 1

My husband has no desire to search.  His brother is 3 1/2 years older than him (they were both adopted at birth) and has searched and is in close contact with his biological family.  For them at least, it's not a matter of my husband feeling as though he would hurt their mom.  He has no desire because he feels his Afamily IS his family.  Period.

LOJunkie- even odder to me is that while growing up (I was the baby, too, I had an older sister), I always wanted a brother- an OLDER brother.   As weird as that sounds, when I was 12 or so, my mom told me I had one.  She relinquished him for adoption when he was born.  Man, I could have used that brother... and still could.

Answer 2

While I am not adopted, I would want my (soon to be adopted) child to search if these were his wishes.  I have a copy of his original b/c (to register him for school) which we will keep and give to him when he is older.  He may want to know why she didn't raise him (she didn't give him up, he is in foster care).  I can only tell him what we know, but only she / dad will have the answers as to why...I can't answer those questions for him now (and he ask)...but they always can.  Would I be upset???  I don't know...I do know that if I were adopted I may want to know some of the questions that he is asking now...maybe maybe not!

Answer 3

a) I searched and found last year.

b) I am the youngest.  My older sibling (also adopted) has no interest in searching.

Answer 4

I just started the search for my birth parents in January. I had always wanted to search but never really wanted to let me parents know that I wanted to search...but finally i said i need to do this cause I am now 27 its getting late! And i want kids and I want to find out my medical history..so i told my parents and the search has begun! We started out by the VA dept of Social services (i was adopted by portsmouth social svcs)....any questions please IM ME or msg ill be more than happy to help....i am an only child.

Answer 5

My older brother and me both located our birth parents (mother & father). My brother did it first and it was interesting to see mum's reaction (I didn't want to hurt her feelings either). He has a healthy relationship with both birth parents and so it took mum a while to cope with that. She had feelings of jealousy, insecurity and felt she had let him down as a mum since he wanted look. So it was easier for me when I started later (she had already gone through the mixed emotions). I on the other hand found both mine but both have declined to have anything to do with me. That was hard. I thought I was emotionally strong enough to deal with what would happen or would find out but I guess you never really are 100% ready. I didn't realise I would feel so rejected (again).Thats what your mum who raised you is for, to pick you back up from the knockdown.

Answer 6

I searched when I was 20 (well age at which I was allowed by birth certificate)

I was the youngest child, older three siblings were their biological children.

And yeah strange to find younger siblings..but to be honest I am super protective of them, I finally get to be the big sister.

Answer 7

I am not an adopted person but know several adult adoptees on a very personal level. My bioligcal children's father is adopted and so is his sister... He searched at age 43 and his sister never has.... His sister is the oldest he is the youngest.

His sister was also married to an adopted person, and he was also younger then his sister who was also adopted... He searched in his 30's and his sister has never been interested...

My cousin was the youngest but, the only child adopted... She never wanted to search at all--she was found by a sibling and has now reunited with her birth family in her mid 30's

Answer 8

I'm the youngest...and I never wanted to search (though I am now).  I had a REALLY rebellious older sister, also adopted, who brought up adoption all the time and threw it into my parents faces causing them great pain.  I have always thought that I became the "good" daughter as a result of my sister's extreme wildness.  I got good grades, athlete etc....BUT until your question, I have never considered that my sister's behavior might have effected my attitude on searching.   I think this probably did keep me from searching earlier...as I did everything in my power growing up not to be like my sister who is 5 years older.

This is really an "aha" moment for me.  Thanks for the question.  Ya learn something new everyday!

Answer 9

I was the youngest of 3 - and the only adopted - with a 13/14 yr age gap between them and me. (sometimes I felt like an only child - as my sibs moved out of home early-ish)

I always wanted to search - but put it off for many years because my a-mum got upset when I talked about wanting to know about my history etc.

Started the search at 26 - when pregnant with my first - and my a-mum had since passed away 8 yrs earlier. (still felt huge amounts of guilt for my a-mum's feelings)

Seriously searched at 35 - finding bio family - complete with married parents and 3 full sibs - all younger than me!!

(yeah - that is weird to have all these younger sibs when I was always the baby!!!)

Interesting question. Thanks.

Answer 10

I started my search when I was 22.  I was the youngest; my oldest brother was also adopted.

My brother is curious, but will never have enough ambition to do a search on his own.  He has said that if his mother ever searched for him, he'd be receptive, but he doesn't have the desire to go through with looking for her.  He is curious about her, but just not enough to go through with it.

I wonder if for us, it's more of a gender thing; it seems, and this is just an observation, that more women than men go through with the search and reunion process.

Answer 11

I always wanted to know and very conscious of wanting to search from age 8. I started my search at 18 and it took 20 years. My two asibs, who were not adopted from the US and have all their original info, werent interested. My asis just recently started her search though. She waited til both aparents were dead. I did go from being the youngest in my afam to the oldest of six assorted siblings.

Answer 12

I did search and found my birth family shortly after having my third child.  My adopted mother and father were crushed, but I explained to them that I had to do it.  I had three children, there were three of us given up...I just had to.  Then I also told them that there wasn't any way in the world that my birth family could ever be my parents, because that's what they [adopted mom and dad] are to me.  That I loved them dearly, but I had a curiousity that I couldn't disregard any longer.

My adopted mother was the same way yours was.  I told my fourth grade teacher that I was adopted, and I was in huge trouble when I got home.  So, my mom didn't get sad, she got mad and we were never, ever to speak of it.

I used to hold a lot of resentment toward her for that [and more], but how can you be angry at someone for trying to do the best she could, and not knowing or understanding the circumstances you came from?  How can you be angry and resent someone, because they were completely ignorant of the horrible things people did to children?  The only one being eaten up by that resentment was me.

Answer 13

searched!

raised as an only child. ( found 3 younger siblings after reunion and I'm protective of them now too )

( nice to see you here T!)

Answer 14

I am the younger of two (adopted) children. As I answered previously, neither one of us has ever wanted to search. I do think that it would be weird to suddenly have younger siblings since I was always the baby. Has anyone else experienced this?