Adoption ? please read this and give me your honest answer.?

Question

ok here is the deal i have two boys who live with there daddy we have joint custody but he is the primary care taker i pay 160 a month child support . i did not let them live with him because i am a bad person or on drugs or anything bad i am a good person and love them with all my heart at the time i left my exhusband i took the kids with me for several months i was trying to make it on my own i had no help from family members or him . things got really hard for us and i needed to think about the boys going back to my ex husband was out of the question. my exhusband lives near his mom and they are very family orieanted. mine is not . plus they are boys they need there daddy. i see them all i want everyweek end and sometimes they come and stay for weeks at a time. the reason i am telling you this is because i have been treated very differently because of my decision by people who dont understand. and i have an adopted sister who is in prison and has been for a year she has two children

Answer 1

i think if you get ahold of the people that have the girl you can adopt her. that would be great and i am sure you would get her beng related. take cae.

Answer 2

ok but what is your question?

Answer 3

go with yer heart

Answer 4

By what I read you totally made the right decision for your self.  Do not worry about what other people think,  its your life not theres and its none of their business.  Keep your chin up and enjoy your boys and keep doing what is right for you and your family.

Answer 5

I am not sure I understand the question either.  As far as adopting you have to have a homestudy and they will probably ask you why you gave up custody.  I cannot tell you what they will say but I am sure they will ask.  You should contact the state child welfare dept to inquire about adopting the little girl.  They can provide further info.

Answer 6

I think it is honerable that you are realistic about your situation.  Some people will critizise not matter what the situation.  If you had kept the kids and couldn't provide for them you would have been critizised, too.  As long as you know in YOUR heart that they are in the best place for them and in a loving, family oriented home and you can see them when you want, stop being so hard on yourself.  You made a loving decision.

As far as your sister's kids are concerned, if you are able to care for them then go for it.  

The problems i can foresee is when your sons start asking why you are able to care for their cousin but not them.  They are likely to feel rejected.  Kids can get confused about things like that and you'll have to be prepared to answer those questions.  I'd ask them before what they think about that if they are old enough.

Answer 7

its great that you want to adopt as you sound more stable now. but the facts are that you gave up ypur boys due to you not being able to take care of them.im not sure where you are in the world but if you are in the states like oklahoma,kansas etc. in a small town type place i have to let you know it may not be easy for you to do this... my 1st husband and i moved to small town oklahoma and we were not accepted there due tohim having long hair...lol go figure in the bible belt..jesus had long hair..lol anyway a yr later we were divorsed and another yr later i remarried. #2 was a wonderful man and we have had a good life together. we have had our ups and downs with my kids as all couples do. and my grand son ended up being taken from the parents and then taken again from the mom. my hubby and I tried to adopt him. we had visits set up from the time he was born till he was 2 then the local DHS said he was being adopted and we couldnt see him again. we filed for the adoption and went thru a rough few years and lots of money (about broke us) just to loose him to a single foster mom.he was 5 yrs old by then and we love him dearly and now we cant see hime anymore. the point i am tring to make is no matter what your reason for letting your kids go to their dad its on record where ever you did it and if its a small town like we were in you may never ever be aloud to adopt. so be ready for this heart breaking.for every child DHS adopts out side the family they get over a million dollars from the govt.so if your not millionares and cant fight them they will beat you by breaking you.DHS told me when my grand son was taken from my son and his mom i would never be aloud to adopt,forste or have any more children. they blamed me for what my ex husband did almost 18 yrs ago and for what my sons girlfriend did . saying it was all my fault. when in fact if that law had listened to me about my ex husband then he would have been put in jailand they wouldnt have had to use my son as a scape goat to feel better for making their own mistake yrs before letting my EX go and letting him jump bail..hes been on the run for 10 yrs.they blamed me for their mistakes and took my grandson and gave him to someone else. now he will never know hsi rel family and they will make sure they brain wash him to forget us.dont put your faith in the legal system for adoption with a past such as yours  unless you are living in a CITY that is very large and you can get lost in it. if everybody knows you then you wont have a leg to stand on.if it was in the news well good luck... my second husband and i were well off then and would have had no problem raising him but that not how the courts here saw it. they decided that a single foster mom would be better than his own grandma and stepgrandpa whom he loved dearly and he didnt want to stay with her anyway... be careful and good luck. please email me and let me know how you go.

cheers

mystic

Answer 8

I agree with rachael on this one. You have got to have your ex on the same page, he is going to be a big influence on what the boys think. I can see the boys getting confused about why her and not them but with a good support system (your ex) I think you will be just fine. You were having a hard time taking care of your boys, you did what was right for all of you, by that i mean you , the boys, and your ex-husband. Time changes peoples circumstances. It would not be fair to the boys or your ex to try and take the boys back now if they are thriving in their life with their dad.

Answer 9

well i dont really understand the questions but i dont see anything wrong with that u still see your kids and u gave them a good no great life its not like your sending them to military school if  i were u i would be proud of my decisions and ignore wat others think also u should vist your sister often too ^^

-6th grader

Answer 10

That's what being a parent is all about.  Doing what is best for your children, whether anyone understands you or not really doesn't matter.  Sounds like your heart is in the right place.  You were once in a bad situation and you got out of it.  Now it is time to go on and continue living your life.  Don't punish yourself by not letting your family grow due to past things in your life.  Like you said, you would just have to work harder and do your absolute best to keep those boys included.  Talk to them.  I know they are young, but kids understand a lot more than people think.  Include them in this decision.  How do they feel about having a little sister? They would probably be excited!  Girl, if I were you, I would pray hard for direction in this matter and then GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!  It's not as if you are neglecting the children that you already have.  You can't worry about anybody else and their opinions.  If you keep listening to those "who just don't get it," you will never be happy.

Answer 11

Your kids will do just fine. They have a very loving mother, I see you have done some sacrifing for your boys. It is all good.

Forget about everyones comments -- they dont know what there talking about.

about the the little girl, if you r on your feet with your life. Go to social services or the adoption agancy she attached to (if you know it) Start asking around, start with people that you know is directly involved.

Answer 12

I think other people should just leave you alone.  You obviously care about your boys a lot and want the best for them.  You've acted very unselfishly and allowed them to have what they need.  You did what you had to and what you thought was right, and it's really no one else's business.

God Bless.

Answer 13

ooh, this is a touchey subject. you are entitled and should have the right to have more children. you are just going to have to work extra hard to make sure the boys know the whole story. i have to admit, i may feel like i was dumped, until i was old enough to really understand.

as long as your ex isnt pumping them full of c**p about you and the new family i would think you should be fine. if the relationship between you is honest and strong then you should be good. because when they come home and start to ask questions-he is the one that will be doing a lot of answering and explaining. you have to have him on the same page as you or you could be in for a disaster.

i think it is wonderful what you are doing, and your concern for the boys shows you truly have thought this through. you have to follow your heart. as long as the adults in your boys life stand together and be honest they should understand and accept it.

keep us posted on this, i have my fingers crossed for you. i hope things go smoothly and you get a wonderful addition to your family. good luck!

Answer 14

I would like to answer, but I don't know what your question is!  I'll just say good luck with whatever you do!

Answer 15

If you really wanted honest opinion you should have posted this "my wife pays a month only $160.00 for two boys we had toghether." "now my wife wants to adopt a child " and explain that she was going through a bad time and thats is why she I have full custody to see what really on people mind.

Answer 16

just stick to what you believed

Answer 17

Hi, I too gave up my boys, letting them live with their father.  I did what was right for them.  It  hurt so much and I still cry about it several years later, even though my boys are all grown up.  I don't regret it however as keeping them with me would have been selfish.  They were at an age when they needed their dad and I saw (and still see) them very often.

My second husband and I are now in the process of adopting.  My youngest son asked if he and his brothers weren't good enough for me, was that why we wanted more children? He thought we wanted to replace him. I told him it is because I am so proud of him and his brothers, and how happy they make me that I didn't want replacement children, I wanted additional children because the experience of having my sons was such a wonderful one.  My son is happy now and is looking forward to having some new brothers and/or sisters.  My older sons were happy anyway, but the youngest has always been the 'baby' of the family and will soon have to give up his place!

With regard to the little girl you wish to adopt - you need to find out what agency the little girl is with and approach them.  Most agencies will try to place children within the family so you may have a good chance.  If it isn't possible to adopt her then enquire with local agencies as to the possiblity of adopting a different child.  If you are in the UK the whole process is free and having children with your ex won't stop you being able to adopt.  If you are in the US I understand that if you adopt a child from the foster system it is free, it only costs if you are looking to adopt an infant from a profit making agency.

Good luck!

Answer 18

It sounds as if you are trying to put your chidren first, and if so that is all that matters and don't worry about what people think.

Answer 19

I'm sorry but I don't know what the question is here.....

Answer 20

You are opening a big can of worms so to speak. I know that you may care for this little girl and I know you feel you gave your kids to your ex to help them because you couldn't do it yourself. But you really need to weigh all the pros and cons...Talk to your sons, see how they would feel about their mommy taking in another child when she doesn't even have them. I am not trying to be rude. But you didn't feel as though you couldn't raise your boys on your own. What would happen if you and your man would split? Where would the little girl be then? You really really need to sit down and think things over...Make a plan, talk to your family, talk to your ex, talk to your boys, and talk to the guy you are with now. This isn't a puppy you can take back to the pound, this will not only change your life but your boy's lives. This could really effect them in the long run.

My aunt gave my cousin up to my grandma and then later on she ended up with a guy who had a daughter my cousins age and a set of twins a boy and girl. Her dad did the same thing to her. It has really effected her life. She is questioning wether she will be a good mommy know that s he is pregnant with her first, plus she has never really forgiven her mom.

You could push your boys away from you, especially if they are younger.

Think before you jump.

Good Luck and I think you are trying to do a good thing but you may make things hard for you.

Answer 21

you've done the right thing and good by your sons. forget every1 else they dont understand or most likely dont try 2.  cheer up your still a good mother! round of applause to you!!!

Answer 22

I am kind of confused.

A month ago you were asking if your symptoms could mean you were pregnant...but you have your tubes tied?  That does not make much sense to me.

I am not being mean in anyway, I am just confused.

Answer 23

my mother lost custody of me when i was 6 months old. i was adopted by my grandmother. it took her 4 years to finalize the adoption. it was extremly hard on her she was older and thought she was done with kids. but as her family, her ist grand daughter, she was not going to allow me to get lost in a goverment system. she raised me as her own. she is as kooky as a loon, but i am thankful everyday for the chance at a good life. do whatever you can, is my advice to you. good luck to you.

Answer 24

My half-sister gave her ex-husband custody of their daughter because after the divorce she was having a rough time getting on her feet.  After she did get stable again, she left their daughter with her dad, as she felt it wouldn't be fair to move their daughter again, especially since she was settled, stable and happy with her dad.  

Their daughter is a 17 now, and has a great relationship with both of her parents.  So, other women have made the same choice because they felt their children would fare best with their father as the main custodian.

Don't worry about other peoples' judgments.  They have no idea what the situation is, and it's really none of their business anyway.

As far as the adoption, talk to the agency and tell them what the circumstances were and how things are different now.  Only they will be able to tell you how it will be handled.

Good luck to you!