Adoption question, help please?

Question

I'm really not sure what I should do about this. Hubby and I are about 2 weeks away from finalising our adoption. We're waiting for a beautiful baby girl. The thing is, the agency we've adopted through doesn't usually adopt to couples who already have biological children. That was all fine, we were happy to just adopt but on Friday I found out I was pregnant. I just don't know what to do, do we have to tell them that I'm pregnant as the baby won't be due until after the adoption is finalised?

We are terrified of losing this little girl, we've come to think of her as ours and visit her every day. Please help?

Answer 1

Finalize your adoption and seven months from now enjoy your new baby.  You say you are waiting for a baby girl.  Is it a newborn or has the birth mom already relinquished?  If the baby isn't born yet, anything could go wrong there too.  So Congrats Mom, you've won the lottery.  They will both be lucky to have you.

Answer 2

Sit on your news.  Anything can happen in the first trimester.

Answer 3

Hi WaitingForBaby,

My advice would be to proceed with the adoption plans because a child needs you, and the agency felt you were the best home for her.  That little girl is 2 weeks away from having her adoption finalized.  It might not be good for her to have to adjust to yet another family.  You even stated you have come to think of her as your daughter.

If you feel that you could love both an adopted child and a biological child equally and treat them both equally, then I don't see why not.  However, if any parent feels that they had planned to adopt only because they did not think they could have biological children, then in that case maybe they should reconsider adopting.   Other families have had both adopted & biological children, and in some cases it works out & in some it does not.  The key would be learning how things would be different and then making an effort to meet the different needs of all of your children.  It can be done.

The other reason I recommend proceeding, and I hestitate to even bring this up, but the reason some expectant parents wait until after the 3rd month to announce their pregnancies publicly is because by that time, the risk of a miscarriage has usually passed by.  It would be really sad to lose any child.  Losing two would be even worse.

I do wish you and your future family much happiness.

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 4

I would talk with an adoption attorney about this.  You really need to know legally what your situation regarding the agreement you signed.  This is not something to mess around with.

  Keeping this quiet really may just cause you more trouble later, and this is not fair to all parties involved.  Life deals us surprises, but they are best dealt with head on, not in secret.

I also think you owe it to the natural mom to speak with her about this.  I know you are afraid of losing this baby girl, but this is the right thing to do.  This mother has a right to know as it is her child.  If you truly want both children I'm sure she will understand, but you owe her the opportunity to express her concerns and doubts.  If you hide this from her she may feel betrayed,  and this is no way to begin this process.

I wish you the best of luck with your adoption and your pregnancy.

Answer 5

I am sorry to hear this.  Do you think you will be showing by the time it is all over?  Will she be with you before you have your baby?  They say that happens.  You adopt then get pregnant.  Well for some.  You might have to sit down  with hubby and decide what the best plan is.  Your adoption is two weeks away so I don't see them placing her then taking her back. Wait till she is in your home then tell them.

Answer 6

Sit together with your husband and fugure it out together. Do you want two children? can you handle two at once?

If you don't want to adopt then say so now because the more you dither the more difficult it is for the mother and child. If you turn it down now they will be able to move on to someone else.

If you decide to continue talk to your agency about your pregnancy. I hope they will be understanding. I think that biological and adoptee siblings would get on okay I don't really see what the problem is. The adopted child would probably feel good that you didn't reject her even though you became pregnant because they wont have the burden of replacing that biological child that you could have had.

It is your choice really, I cant say alot about the agency but I think it would be very sad if they turned you down because you were pregnant. If you do you might like to find another agency with the same mother or find another child.

Answer 7

How open is this adoption?  Does the little girl's mother know?  How does she feel?  Would it impact her decision to place her child with you?

I guess if I were you I'd consider the ethical implications of keeping this a secret; not so much from the agency, but from the baby's n-mom (if she's involved).  Who she places her child with should be based on absolute honesty, from BOTH parties IMHO.  

Imagine if you were going to place the child you are carrying now...would you want the people you chose to keep something like that from you?

Answer 8

dont tell them anything. so have 2 miracles to be happy about. if i were u i would not say a thing... good luck

Answer 9

My only thought is that there are lots of couples on adoption waiting lists who are deserate for children and cant concieve naturally. You're very fortunate to have concieved naturally. By telling them you're pregnant and not adopting this little girl you could be the answer to another couples prayers who have been waiting years for a child.

Obviously very hard to do though if you've become so attached to this little girl.