Adoption question, please help!?

Question

hi i was wondering how and when to tel a child that they're adopted. or even if one should. i think a chikd should know but i can not think of a way how to tell them.

i dont want them to resent me or go looking for thier biological parents. but if i dont tell them i also dont want them to find out donwn the road and resent me even more.

does any one have any suggestions or have any websites that could help?

thanks so much and god bless.

Answer 1

This is your child's life; he or she deserves to have the information about their life.  Your child's biological parents are a part of who he or she is.  You must not feel threatened if your child wants information or contact with them.  That is part of being an adoptive parent:  your child has another set of parents and a past before you, no matter how brief.  You cannot deny these.

Answer 2

Your best bet would be to make sure that they are old enough to understand what adoption means and yes you should tell them because there are hereditary things that might come up later in there life that they need to know about. If they want to find there parents that gave them up be supportive of that and talk to the gancy you went through and see what they say as well. There are different types of adoption closed open and semi open closed adoption means that the biological parent(s) don't want to be contacted at all. and the other 2 are having the biological parents involved some but not a lot. Good Luck! & God Bless you too. Remember that you did the hard part you have been there for them from the time they were legally yours and you have taken them to the doctors appointments and everything. You are the real parent(s).

Answer 3

I agree with all the posters who said to start from the very beginning using the words for adoption and making it part of your child's story.  This gives you practice talking about it and makes it a natural part of what you tell your child.  We said, "I'm so glad we adopted you!" and similar phrases.  I made up little songs about how our family grew.  We had several adoption books on the bookshelf and we read them right along with "Goodnight Moon".  Here's the part I haven't read in another post:  don't assume that because you've included all this language about adoption that your child understands it!  Mine could mimic the words and look at the books, but each of them around age 9 - 10 needed to be retold in more concrete language.  At this age the idea of commitment, relationship, and forever can be understood in a new way.  When my first child had new questions around this age I was blown away - thought we'd been there and done that.  I was more ready for it with the next one.

Answer 4

Yes you should tell them.  How old is your child?  I would start using the word and telling them their birth story as soon as they can understand.  They will love hearing it and will beg you to tell it over and over.  You could say that a wonderful lady that loved them very much gave birth to them.  And then that lady could not be their mommy because she was unable to take care of them.  So that lady let you raise them and you were so happy... etc etc.  Plus add in the story of the first time that you saw them.  This is their 'coming home' story.

I have 11 year old twin girls that I adopted at 5 months old, and we still celebrate their 'coming home' anniversary every year.  It's a special time that they will always remember the date of.

Answer 5

I believe that the child should never been given the impression that he/she is biologically yours.  Adoption should always be involved in the discussions.

HOWEVER, make sure that he/she realizes that you love him/her as much as you love your biological children (or would if you had them).  Also, make sure that you stress that the birth mom made the decision to place him/her for adoption out of love.  Make sure that they don't feel unloved.

Answer 6

It is important that your child know that they are adopted and if you begin telling them as early as possible, this will help to make it a normal part of their life.

Be open and ready to answer any questions and be positive about their birth story, including their birth parents.

It is normal for adoptees to be curious about their life before you came along. By being open, you will help them to accept their adoption and it will also help in building a trusting relationship between you.

We refer to our 3 y.o daughter's birth mother as her 'Tummy Mummy' or by her given name. We will build on her story as she grows but she loves to hear her special story most nights. This is the story of how we went over to Ethiopia and met her and also includes the reasons (simplified of course) why we chose adoption.

There are other, more practical reasons to let your child know they are adopted - he/she is not going to have your family's medical history. If they ever need to know their birth family for medical reason, it is far better they know they are adopted before this.

In the end, it is your decision, but it is their story that you will hide from them if you decide not to tell.

Adoption is not something to be ashamed of - it is a great way to form a family.

Have a look at the links below. They will also give you some great ideas about how and why you should be open about adoption

Answer 7

The biggest problem when a child is told they're adopted is that they might not feel loved. Make sure you give them all the love you possibley can. Then when the time comes tell them that another mommy gave birth to them. Tell them that that mommy couldn't keep them so you got to raise them. Tell them that the mommy who gave birth to them gave them life, and you give them love.

If you fill the childs life with hugs and kisses and good memories there shouldn't be any reason for resenting you. Tell them as early as they can comprehend it, cause they'll accpet and understand it if they aren't kept in the dark for too long.

Answer 8

I would be upfront from the start.  When the child first asks about where they came from, than thats when you need to tell them.  The child will be very young and won't really understand what it means and you can explain it as you didn't grow under my heart but in it.  And that he grew in some eles tummy.  As s/he gets older he will ask more and more questions about adoption and whatnot.  And you need to be very willing to talk about it.  And also bring up the subject, espically during the teen years.  This is when kids try to figure out who they are.  I would suggest that because there are a lot of places on the interent that they can search for their biological parents.  And having an open relationship about adoption and the search is very important.  Your adopted child will search for their biological roots and you need to be supportive of it.  

If you don't tell youjr child, they will find out eventually and than hate/renset you for it.

Answer 9

I think you need to be honest with your child when THEY ASK.  There are many books out there that you can read for helpful suggestions and there are also books out there for your child.  You can also use many of the adoption websites for assistance for "what" and "when" to tell.  Good luck.

Answer 10

Go to Tapestry Books (http://www.tapestrybooks.com/categories.... for a link right to the books you're looking for) and get some books either from the library, Tapestry or your local book store on the subject.

My opinion is that an adopted child should "always" know they're adopted...that way there's not that one traumatic moment in life where they look back and feel like it was the moment they found out they weren't who they always thought they were.  It can create some real identity crises to do it that way.

If you adopt an older child, it's easy...they already know & you just tell them their story (age-appropriate info, not necessarily full disclosure if they're little...but NEVER lie about their story) and about all the hoops you jumped through to bring them into the family.  I equate this to the stories I tell my bio sons about my pregnancy and birth experiences.  I tell the girls about our experience making them part of our famiy, too.

If you adopt an infant, you can begin telling them their adoption story (again, age-appropritate info & always truthful) while they're teeny.  

Either way, pick up some adoption books and read them positive stories about adoption.  This way adoption will just be part of the fabric of their lives and will just be a part of their story rather than this big secret that one day must be revealed.

Answer 11

You have already had a lot of repies and responses, but the best thing is to be honest.  If the child asks, tell them.  Don't beat around the bush, and don't tell them any sort of made up story, just the truth.  

I was never told the truth, I was lied too.  So when I found my adoption certification, I confronted my parents and there was no choice but to tell me.  This all happened when I was eight.  I have never forgotten that, and remember that....a child will never let you live down a lie.  

You can contact an adoption agency close to you and ask them how you need to go about telling them.  Call a child psychologist and see if there is a way that you can go about this nicely.

Good luck and it really is not all that bad.

Answer 12

Tell them the first day you see them!!!

From the first moment on, when parents start saying loving things, like "We are so lucky to be your parents", or "Adoption is the answer to our prayers" or "Adopting you is the best thing we ever did", it begins to give you the confidence to talk about adoption.

By the time your child begins to understand any of this talk about adoption, it will be as normal as saying they have beautiful brown eyes, or such curly hair. The feeling is the most important thing in the beginning. Then you baby begins to associate love and smiles with the word/talk of adoption. Then by the time they can understand even more, you begin to give them information about adoption in general (not theirs), a little at a time. Read an adoption book or two once in a while at bedtime with their other books. Begin to tell them how they grew in their birthmother's tummy and then you becasme their parents, before they can understand it! This gives you time to practice.

I knew I was on the right track, when my daughter, at about 18 months, threw her arms around my neck one day, and said "Mommy, I'm glad I adopted you!" Now did she really understand adoption at that point? No, but she certainly felt the meaning!

She also wrote a paper in first grade.....reminding me of how I explained adoption to her. She wrote about her birth and adoption in her little first grader words, including that she "loved me even before she was a seed in her birthmother's tummy"!

Regarding question about adoption, it is easier than you may think. Short and sweet. Not long and drawn out. When my daughter was about four, she asked where her birthmother was. I said I didn't know. She asked if she had enough to eat. I said that I sure did hope so. She asked why she didn't take care of her? I told her because she couldn't take care of any baby then in her life. That was it.

We put her birthmother's pictures in a little album, and she looked at these pictures from the time she was a baby. She always knew that was "her birthmother" but it naturally took a while for her to understand what that meant. And then one day, she asked if she could put her picture in our big photo album. Again, I knew we were doing o.k. She felt comfortable. A few years later, she began to show a couple of close friends the photo, and it just seemed as natural as saying "And that is my Aunt Anne."

My tips:

1. Talk about adoption from day one, with love in your heart and a loving smile on your face.

2. Don't tell others your child's personal detailed adoption information before they themselves understand it. (Details about their birthmother's circumstances, lifestyle, age, etc.) This info really belongs to them. They will decide who they talk to about their adoption.

3. Don't overwhelm them with adoption talk. It should be casual and intermittant. It should not drummed into them daily! It does not define them, it is just one part of who they are.

4. Frame your answers about why their birthparents didn't parent them to be about not being able to take care of any child (or another child), not them specifically.

5. Don't sit your child down, ever, and have a big "adoption talk" with them! The old way of "telling" children they were adopted hurt children deeply, because it was a shock, and made some children question their lives as authentic. It also overwhelmed children

I hope this helps!!  : )

Answer 13

Never done it, but worked in adoptions for a while. I'd say as yes, do it, and soon as the child is old enough to understand . Six or Seven is OK. They are entitled to know this., You are right, doing it later can be cruel, and harder

Answer 14

My son always knew he was adopted, couldn't remember a time when he didn't know, probably because his adoptive parents adopted another child when he was an older toddler. He doesn't remember that event specifically, but it wasn't a secret.

Whether you are a good parent or a bad parent has little to do with why an adopted child would seek out their biological parents.  Unless you've treated them badly, you are still their parent.

Answer 15

You don't say how old you children are but they should be told very early on in an age appropriate way. My daughter at 4.5 years of age does not know that she has another mother. She is not ready for that conversation yet. She knows I love her, she knows she is adopted, she knows she is from China. She knows I went to China to bring her home. At this stage in the game that is all she knows. Soon within the next year, I will add more to that story specifically the point that there are birth parents in her past within the next year before she starts kindergarten.

It is recommended that children know they are adopted as young as possible so that they are not surprised and to reduce the truama they experience when they find out. It will not be an easy story for me to tell but one that must be told.

I think that children should know they are adopted BEFORE they know what adopted means. That is to say, before they understand reproduction which is when they truly understand what adoption means.

Good luck.

Answer 16

i'm adopted and my adoptive parents told me from the beginning.  I may have been too young to understand all of the meaning but they never kept it from me.  I have a friend who wasn't told until she was sixteen and she resents her adoptive parents.

Looking for biological parents doesn't mean that they love you any less.  I would prepare myself for them to say they want to find their biological parents. We as humans are naturally curious.  I became curious around the age of twenty and my adoptive brother at twenty eight. (he's four years older then me).  My adoptive parents helped me find my biological parents. Now we all have a wonderful relationship.  I don't love my parents any less they will always be my parents.

I would definately tell though because they could find out some other way. they might think they were lied to.

Answer 17

I had two sons and an adopted daughter in the middle of them. We talked about ways to get babies and that all ways are good. As she got older we had a letter from her birth mother. She cherishes that. Also she has a poem that I wrote for her about being the child of my heart. She is 26 years old now. She is expecting her thrid child. I love all my children and grandchldren equally.

My daughter ocassionally wonders about her birth mother. She ocassionally works on it, but she hasn't found any connections.

I remember when my daughter was about 3 years old. I heard her say to her friend......."I am adoctored" so cute.

It will come naturally. My daughter tellsl me that I am always her mom. But she would like to find out about her genetic family. Then she thinks what if it is difficult. That is a risk to take.

Never ever keep an adoption a secret. Be open and loving. Explain to your child that there was a lady who grew her in her stomach and that she didn't have a way to take care of her. She wanted her child to have food to eat, dance lessons a safe place to live. And that any mother has the abililty to give the great gift of a child is more greater than anyone can imagine.

It will all come natural

Answer 18

I think when it comes to adoption, many people freely voice there opinion before understanding the pure gift it is to anyone involved. Personally I have experience from the other side, I placed a baby boy for adoption 2 years ago today. I also have attended numerous adoption panels. From listening to other people who have adopted , or been adopted. I would suggest the earlier, the better. A friend told me she grew up knowing she was adopted. Her mother asked her if she liked the ballet class she was in, and her dog, and her adoptive parents. She said yes, and her mom told her that her birth mom wanted her to have those things. Also, from speaking to others who are adopted, I have found that those who know more about there birth family, are more adjusted to the situation. Ruth McRoy has done multiple studies on adoption and openess in psychological jornals. You may find some information there.

Answer 19

get a boy or a girl

Answer 20

Well i think it totaly depends on how old your kids are because obviously the telling needs to be age apropriate

Also it is their right to know they are adopted so yes  you should tell them. It is also their right if they so wish to search out their first family, every body is entitled to know where they come from.

In all honesty they are much more likeley to resent you if you keep information from them than if you support them.

Answer 21

YES - you should tell the child AS EARLY AS POSSIBLE.

Just make it part of their story.

Those that have found out later - have had a great deal of anger at their adoptive parents for not telling them sooner.

All adoptees have the right to search and know their biological family - if they so wish.

If you help them in their quest for knowledge - just maybe - they'll have greater respect for you.

It is the adoptees truth - they have a right to know it.

Answer 22

i would be honest from the start. A child of 3 or so will ask question about where babies come form, andyou cna explain that all babies grow in a womens body, but some mommies have bodies that can't grow babies, so another mommy grows a baby for her. Easy and simple.

Answer 23

http://www.tapestrybooks.com

http://www.adopting.com

this is a link to a web site with tons of literautyure on adoption.  you should never ever hide the fact. Just find a way to always incorporate the adoption story in to the childs life.

Answer 24

You need to ask yourself or that person needs to ask themselves - Do I love this child?

This child needs to know the truth one way or another. When the child is able to understand what you are explaining to them is the time to tell them. You will either get the outcome of 1) The child wanting questioning the whereabouts of the parents 2) Not caring for their parents-being resentful towards them for giving them up (ecspecially the mother) You can not want the child to not look for their biological parents - but you know they will decide that for themselves. Some need to know that piece before being at piece with themselves. That's their resolution for their learning of being adopted. I never resented my parents for giving my brothers and I up - I was thankful because learning why I was given up gave me an appreciation towards them because they took the step to give us a chance at a good life waiting out there. Just take a deep breath and be prepared. But the child needs to know.

Answer 25

I can't really add much to what people have said, except that I do agree that the child SHOULD be told when they are capable of understanding what being adopted really means.

I am almost 53, & I was told that I was adopted when I was 7.  It really didn't affect me that much, because my "adoptive" parents were very good at explaining what adoption was.

I was only 10 days old when I was adopted.

Answer 26

I'm adopted and I don't ever remember NOT knowing I was. I think it's best to tell a child as soon as they can understand 4 or 5 years old. It would be horrible and cruel to keep it a secret, also they might feel like it's something to be ashamed about.

Now if your talking about your child that you adopted please tell them today ! (unless they're too young to understand)

if your talking about someone else kid. let the parent tell the child.

good luck

I just read your profile, you are 16 !! Please mind you own business if you are planning on telling an adopted child that she is adopted ! It is her adoptive parents job to do that ! Becides, chances are she already knows.

Answer 27

i dont believe there's ever going to be that perfect chance to tell your child they're adopted.  i also don't think you should wait until they're a certain age before telling them.  I think you should tell them from birth basically.  I think a very good way to help your child understand adoption is by presenting them, and reading them, childrens books on adoption.  A few good ones that I know of are... a mother for choco, tell me again about the night i was born,  and once they're older ( p*****n, teenager ) you may want to try giving them a book called who am i? which includes questions other adoptees have and explains everything your child may ask you that you might not be able to answer.

i think keeping this information from your child while they're young, will only make them resent you in the future

Answer 28

My son (21 months) will always know. We share the stories about how we ALL came together... We don't make a big deal about the adoption part. We tell him (which he really doesn't understand right now) about how we were sound asleep and got a call in the middle of the night because he was coming and that he was care-flighted to children's and that's where we met him

I never want it to be a shock. I don't want him to fantasize  about the "Other" family so I'll show him pics and let him know about that his bio-family so he won't have to wonder.

besides that, he has a ton of cousins between 4 and 11 and they have big mouths.