Adoption question: Just reconnected with my birth mother after 15 years......?

Question

I found my birth mother when I was 24.We had a good relationship for about two years and then one day I finally released the anger I had let build up inside of me for that 24 years. I was so mad at her for letting me go. I was sexually abused by an adoptive brother who was 13 years older than me. My adoptive father died when I was 3 and my adoptive mother was diagnoised with multiple sclerosis when I was 8 and I had to care for her until I was 17. (bathe her,feed her,change her soiled clothes etc) Her biological children did not help me. I was basically a slave and the day I graduated from H.S. I came home to find my belongings on the front porch. She kicked me out because I was no longer gonna be available to be her slave. I have tried several times to tell my birth mother I was sorry I went off on her but my heart hurt so bad. Now that she accepted my phone call today after 15 years I don't know where to go from here. I don't want to push her away again. What do you suggest?

Answer 1

Dear Tulla~

Just tell her what you've written here...about understanding that she did what she had to do (or really, what she believed was best for you)...that you don't blame her...that you had so much anger inside that you hadn't yet dealt with...that you don't want to cause her any more pain.  Ask for her forgiveness.  Not because you did something so wrong, but only because you lashed out in your own pain.  

And forgive yourself!  You reacted normally to an abnormal situation (with the a.mom & on the heals of that painful period in your life).  Hopefully this will be an opportunity to begin anew.  

Be patient with your first mom. She's had to live with her decision. What every first mom hopes for is that her child will have a good life, a happy life.  Imagine her horror and guilt to find out the circumstances you had to grow up with.  

As an adoptee who grew up with verbal & physical abuse, mostly doled out by my a.mom, I truly understand your pain and how much effort it's taken on your part to become healthier emotionally.  My first mom "unadopted" me 2 days after my dad died (11 years ago).  So much I can relate to...feel free to e-mail me if you'd like to share.

In the meantime I recommend 2 books.  "The Girls Who Went Away", by Ann Fessler. Not only will it help you understand her experience, it will help you heal, realizing that our mothers DID want us!

http://www.amazon.com/Girls-Who-Went-Awa...

And, "The Art Of Forgiving", by Lewis Smedes. This book really helped me understand what forgiveness is, and what it is NOT.  When to forgive and how. That forgiving doesn't mean you have to continue having a relationship with someone who's caused you harm (like your a.mom) or release that person for the consequences of their behavior. And ultimately, that forgiveness is about releasing ourselves from the pain someone else has caused us.

http://www.amazon.com/Art-Forgiving-Lewi...

You have all the words in your heart. Be brave and open up to her.  YOU are worth it!

Answer 2

the word sorry is such an ice- breaker it helps everyone move on.  And I'm sure ur birth mother will forgive u before u even say the words.  Im sure she also has many explanations for u to but best to leave the explanations for another day u'll have plenty of time together in the future to discuss these just a  sorry and a hug is all thats needed from both of u ...... i'm sure there'll b many tears

Answer 3

Just tell her the truth, how you felt and also that you are sorry, but she should have understood how you felt and to let it go for 15 years is awful. Shame on her. I'm sorry you had such a hard life. We were told our babies would be better off without us, so I'm sure she has a lot of guilt over what happened to you. She has guilt for giving you up and guilt for what happened to you.

Answer 4

just say the words" i'm sorry" and then explain why.

how could she have known that things would have turned out like that for you? not all girls or women who give birth would make the best mothers. do you know for an absolute fact that your life would have been better had you stayed with your birth mother? when a person is young there are so many reasons why they decide to give up their babies. and then there is the issue of the adoptive family. it wasn't your dad's (adoptive) fault that he died when you were three. it wasn't your mother's fault that she got m.s. and your brother was mentally disturbed. these things were not your biological mother's fault nor yours. they are just some S****y, unfair and hurtful things that happened. have you ever received counceling about these things? if not, i would certainly recommend it. it never hurts to just sit down and have someone hear you out. someone who can be objective.

Answer 5

Write your birth mother a letter.  Tell her everything you just stated here.  Make sure you write off your adoptive mother.  Don't even deal with her anymore.  She was never really a mother to you.  It wasn't her fault she got sick, but it was her fault that she used you as some Cinderella step child slave.

Form that relationship with your mother.  Talk to her.  Offer to go to counseling with her because it is sooooo important for you to have a relationship with her.  Let her know too, that you don't just want a relationship with her because your adoptive situation didn't work out.  She might feel like you wouldn't have come to her if your adoptive mother was a better person.  You don't want to use your mother the way the evil one used you.  And if you want, ask to get to know your other family like cousins, aunts, uncles, siblings and maybe even know who your father is.  If she resists, don't get mad, just explain how you feel.  Good luck!

Answer 6

You have gotten some good suggestions here. I am all for writing a letter. Even if it takes you a week to get it the way you want it. Once sent, she can injest it in her own time. If she needs to walk away she can, and pick it back up when she has had a chance to digest a few pieces.

There is an enormous amount of guilt us mothers feel. It is compounded by society who thinks they know what we are and rub our noses in it further. I have learned over the years that they only do this to justify themselves. It makes them feel superior to us. I have news for them. I am far superior to any of them. I have suffered a hardship they have already stated they would never be able to handle. I would get physically ill when I would start to think of what my daughter might be going through. All too late I found out that not all adotive parents were wonderful people. There was nothing I could do.

Write it out and explain in the very beginning that it was something you had to do, and now that it is done there is no need for it to happen again. And by the way it worked for you. Explain how it worked for you, your happy now, in control of your life and wanting a relationship with her very much.

Explain how it released ALL of the penned up anger and frustration deep inside you. Anger and frustration that wasn't entirely directed toward her, but was so toxic to you at the time, that it could not be separated.

If she refuses to accept this and move forward with your relationship it will not be because you pushed her away. It will be because of the scars she carries in her heart over what she had done. In reality all she did is what she thought would be right for you, it just didn't turn out so well. You can separate those two now.

She needs to forgive herself.

Reunion like adoption is a c**p shoot. I wish you the best of luck.

Answer 7

I'm so sorry for your situation. You are not alone. Adoption is not the best solution for many. You're right that you should have not have been taking care of you adoptive mother but unfortunately biological kids suffer the same way as you did. I hope that you were not adopted for the purpose of taking care of her. Checkout the statue of limitations for the state that the molestation/rape occurred and talk to the prosecuting  attorney. He needs to go to jail. Your "brother" needs to punished for what he did. I would cut ties with your adoptive mother because there is no way that she didn't know what was going on unless she's as ignorant as well. She could face a prison sentence as well, if your "brother" confesses up.  I'm sorry that you were allowed to fall through the cracks but don't let that deter you from living a fulfilling life. Get counseling and move forward. Don't let these losers destroy you.  You are not alone. I know many people that have suffered even worse. I wouldn't blame you biological mother because how could she have possibly known. There are many sickos out there that are convincing especially when they hide behind an infested church filled with delusional sickos. My neighbor's adopted son didn't make it out alive. He was batten to death and the sick couple blamed it on malaria and were not convicted.

Answer 8

Dear Tulla,

I am so sorry for your situation and the pain you have suffered. I know how MS is, my father suffered from it for over 20 years. It is an incredible amount of work and I am so sorry it fell to you at such a young age.

As to the situation with your first mother, I think that Snowwillow is absolutely right. I am sure your hurt and anger were hard for your first mother to hear. Words can sting so much -especially when you are already in pain.

Let your mother know that you still care. Be honest with her about your feelings and listen to what she has to say. Be open to her pain too. I am sure that she feels terrible about what happened to you when she thought she was giving you something better. Your anger may have made her feel as if you did not wish to continue your relationship and she may not feel worthy to reach out to you. She may be trying to protect you from any more pain by not sharing herself and her pain with you.

I can imagine how hard it must be to suffer the grief of a first mother only to find out that your sacrifices brought even more pain for the child you love. It is my worst nightmare.

I think you should just tell/write her this, "I have let all that anger go and I have been so much happier since. I just don't know how to explain all this to her and explain that I no longer let anyone steal my joy. I am responsible for my own happiness and I am a happy successful lady. Much different than the one she saw 15 years ago."

I am sure that hearing that would bring her joy - not pain.

Congratulations on your sucesses, good luck with your first mom and please accept my best wishes for a happy and healing future! :)

Answer 9

Tulla,

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone.  I would ignore the first poster.  In your situation i would have done the same thing.  You are human!

Snowwill is an awesome First Mom here.  I like her advice.

Its a slow nite, check back in the morning.  I feel that only First Moms and Adoptees should be answering this question.  and yes i know i'm neither.

All the best:)

Answer 10

its okay maybe you both should have counseling.

Answer 11

I think you should look at the situation with your BP and see if you think a relationship with her would be healthly.  If she went 15 years without talking to you because you blew up and were upset then is that truly someone you need in your life.  15 years after going 24.  She knew where you were, she had a relationship with you for 2 years, maybe she does not want a relationship and the blow up was a way for her to walk away.  Take care of yourself and if you said you are sorry and you tired then the ball is now in her court, just do not get your hopes up.