Adoption....question for AP's/PAP's?

Question

Do most AP's adopt out of 'necessity'...i.e. fertility problems? There have been numerous posts here lately from families who cannot have children.....and turn to adoption. While I am not trying to discount or criticize any legal path to adoption....I never came to adoption due to infertility issues. What is disconcerting for me when someone has 'tried so long to get pregnant' or 'can't have bio children'...is that it *seems* like they are seeking a runner-up. I talked about adoption from the day I received my first doll (Cabbage Patch Kids with adoption certs..lol)...and my husband and I talked about it before getting married. I know most AP's did/do not view their adoptive child as a 'runner-up'....but how do you tell your a child about his adoption..."well, we tried for 2 years to get pregnant, but we couldn't so we found adoption". I know that isn't your line, but what do you tell them if they are in your family due to infertility--i.e. you wouldn't have adopted otherwise? Thanks!

Answer 1

I have children from a previous marriage and with complications I had with the last pregnancy, I am no longer able to have children.  I have married the most wonderful man who has no children.  We chose adoption from foster care to have "our children" instead of invetro / adopting privately from another country...

There are so many children in our state who are wards of the state and who need loving homes.  We didn't "hold out" for a baby...that wasn't what it was about for us!  We love our son, who we are now in the process of adopting after a very long road in foster care!

Answer 2

I believe you are being sincere. Its an issue that agency's won't even address so don't expect too much honesty here. To many AP's and Pap's are still in denial or won't even ask themselves this question. Its always what makes them sound, feel and look  good and not their true feelings. Its human nature. Who wants to live in guilt.

Answer 3

Physically, I could have had a child.  However, I would have had to spend several months of my pregnancy in the hospital again.  When I was in my 20's and 30's I had often thought about adoption, however, I wasn't rich, and had no idea how to go about it.  I realized it wasn't my destiny to have another child, and went on to have a wonderfully happy life overall.  On my 41st birthday, my son's friends (with my then 18 year old son-9 total), came to my house, in my bedroom, and to embarrass my son, asked me what I wanted for my birthday that I didn't get, and I replied, I wanted a baby, but "J"s sterile, I've had a hysterectomy, but if you all get out of here, we're liable to try again!"  

3 days later, one of the girls came to me and asked if we wanted a baby.  I said yes, and before I could offer to help her (I thought it was her that was pregnant), she said her mom's best friend was pregnant and couldn't keep the baby and didn't know what to do.  3 more days later, I found out where my son's first mom lived, and several more days later, both she and the bio dad moved in with us.

I wasn't what I considered a desperate person out for a baby, although I'm the happiest person who is raising this beautiful little boy!  Now, I'd love to raise another child with him, and am hoping to adopt again!  

We are very open about adoption, and I'm hoping his bio mom will come around more to let him know he wasn't just abandoned.  To me, it's worse that she has quit coming after her first visits and abandoned him, rather than just leaving him at the hospital like she'd originally planned.  We're very fortunate that his bio dad does see him, as well as his grandmother, and we're hoping this week that his 16 year old sister comes.  He's also been "adopted" by several of our friends, who will throughout his life be there for him also.  I believe that the more people who love any child is a better life for that child.

Answer 4

The first set of AP's I had sent me back after they had their 'real' children.

The second had a daughter after me, their 'miracle' baby.

So yes, in my case, infertility.

I know it's not the case for everyone, but unless soemone in your family is adopted, then people never think of it.

Personally I have an unexpected daughter. She's three months old now, and she'll have brothers and sisters. Natural or adopted, we're not sure yet. Probably adopted.

If people could have kids, then they would most of the time.

Answer 5

We didn't adopt due to fertility problems. Growing up, all I wanted was to be a foster parent.  

Then when I was all grown up I realized that I would never be able to afford a house that could hold 3 or 4 of my own and 3 or 4 siblings from foster care, especially because we both work (split shifts, though, so someone is home with the children). I had a talk with my husband and something had to go from our plans.  We decided not to have children the old-fashioned way but to adopt through foster care.

Then we hit a brick wall with our DCF social worker.  Because we were so young she would only place an infant or toddler with us, and the policy at that time was no transracial adoption. They put us on a waiting list for a caucasian infant.  Honestly, there are enough people waiting for babies already. When after a year our sw still wouldn't consider us for older sibs, we looked at international adoption of older children w/special needs.

That's our story & it's what we've told our children. They understand that we weren't out to "save" them, but we thought that we could be parents and at the same time give to a few children what every child has a right to have.

Answer 6

I appreciate your sincerity and kindness.

I grew up in a great family, and have always felt strongly that "family" is very important. I always planned to marry and have a family of  my own. I don't know how MUCH I thought about adoption, but I did grow up watching "Annie" an being vaguely aware that there were lots of children that need homes, and I think I always thought that giving them a good home was a good idea.. but it's hard to remember for sure how much I thought about adoption.

However, when I was 16 I found out that, not only would I never develop physically and menstruate without the help of supplemental hormones, but also I would never have children biologically. No medical technology would enable me to have a child with my genes.. Guess that's no great loss, since my genes obviously suck LOL...  

So, while it was pretty painful to learn that I would never really be a "Normal" "woman"  I immediately switched my mindset to adoption. NOT having children has just never been much of an option for me.  I still believe there are children out there who's parents cant or don't want to parent, and I don't see MY "desire" to be a parent as "contradictory" to those child's best interest, if I pursue adoption in an extremely ethical way.

I don't see my (future) adopted children as a "runner up" to having biological children... the only reason I'd choose biological children over adopting, if I could would be because adoption has aLOT of red tape, expenses, waiting lists, etc.. it's "Easier" to just get pregnant and have your own child. (BTW... my sis-in-law only paid about $3,000 for all her prenatal care and at-home delivery with a midwife)  And, on top of that, almost no one trash talks a married woman and calls her greedy for having children biologically, but PLENTY of people (especially here) trash talk people for adopting..

Genetics are important to a point, but when I look back at my family and parents, yes, we're all genetically related.. Yes, we have alot of the same personality and mannerisms.. but how much of that is "nature" and how much is "nurture"? I have no blummin clue.. I just know that it wasn't the fact that I look like my mom that made her the best mother I could have ever chosen (as if ANYONE can chose who their parents will be.)  So, I don't see my happy childhood being due to the fact that my parents and I shared DNA, but simply because they were the kind of people that they are.  Good, loving, supportive, amazing.. I got lucky. Not all children are as lucky with their biological families..

For me, there is and will be no "Trying".... I went from one day being  an awkward 16 year old who wondered when on EARTH puberty was ever going to happen to me, to,  the next day, having absolutely ZERO hope that I could ever conceive a child. Adoption just seemed logical.. there's thousands of children who need good homes.. there's thousands of teenagers getting pregnant when they are not prepared to parent.. AND many of them come close to aborting, AND many of them (thank God) decide against it, and some of those decide that finding a family that is READY and PREPARED and WANTING to be parents at that time, is the best thing for their baby.  So (despite what people here like to think) We are not looking for " pregnant women to convince to give us their child, but are looking for a CHILD whose mother has already made that decision, or the state courts have...  (not that I have any problem with teenagers deciding to parent!!! I'm talking about the ones who decide NOT to.)

Anyway, that's where I stand.. Yes, if I could conceive I would be less LIKELY to adopt, but wouldn't still discount the possibility of adopting.. I see a "real" family as one who lives together, grows together, is there for each other.. So my adopted children will never be "2nd place" they'll be my children.. period..  As for what I would tell them.. God works in mysterious ways, and he brought us together.

Answer 7

In general most people don't think about adoption til something happens. People naturally assume that they will get married, get pregnant, and live happily ever after. For me when that didn't happen about getting pregnant it came down to I just wanted to be a mom. I didn't even do any testing on why or how or try treatments. I just wanted to be a mom and my husband to be the great father I knew that he would be. It's been the best and ended up getting prego one right after the other so I'm a mother of three. I do hope to adopt again someday. I love being a mom and wouldn't trade it for anything. I tell my son Gabe that  Grandpa picked him from heaven just for us. I tell him that he brought his sister and brother along so he wouldn't be lonely. Which is true Gabe is a great big brother and would have been a horrible only child. For me it was all meant to be

Answer 8

I already gave birth to my daughter and came to terms with probably not have anymore children.

When the opportunity came to adopt my son, I would have done it weather or not I could give birth again. It was an isolated situation, and I wasn't even looking into adopt at the time, I did think that I would do foster care some day, when my daughter was in school.

I would say that adopting my son was a necessity, not for me but for him. His poor little body was so sick, he really needed a stay at home parent and 24 hour care.

If I really wanted to I could get pregnant again (had I not have begged my hubby to get a vasectomy) but I'm happy where I'm at. My kids are great.

I think for a lot of people it is a second choice, not the child, but the process. s*x is free, fun and anyone can do it. Adoption is expensive invasive and limited to people who are without a criminal record, financially stable with room for another and a fire extinguisher on every level.

Answer 9

Hi Tickled Blue,

Adoption had always been a part of my life growing up.  It was familiar to me because many of my cousins were adopted into our family.  I had thought about adoption off and on throughout my life, i think because of my cousins.

When we were told i would never have children again, we grieved.  We decided against infertility treatments.  We chose to look into adoption instead.  I am and always have been close to my cousins and we didn't see adoption as a consolation prize.

I do feel its a natural series of events though.  Most people i believe try to conceive a child when they decide to become parents.  If that doesn't work you can choose to be childless, adoption or infertility.  After infertility though, the grief of your loss has to occur.  Otherwise you risk raising a child to fill a void in your life and that is not fair to the child.

I do not like the working tho.  We tried to 2,7,10 years so now we are trying adoption.  The wording makes it sound like a second choice and screams to me this person has not fully dealt with their grief.

Answer 10

I came to adoption after repeated pregnancy losses (ectopic pregnancies, maybe also "regular" miscarriages). So kind of like infertility, but kind of different also. Either way, I think it is VERY important to grieve the biological children you did not have before trying to adopt. Anything else is very unfair to the adopted child -- and actually unfair to yourself also.

Anyway, my daughter is only 4, but she does know in a very basic way that I had "babies in my tummy but not in the right place, not in my uterus, so that was not a place they could grow." And of course she knows she was adopted -- we talk about that a lot. I'm pretty sure she has not made the connection between the 2 yet, and I don't think I have made the connection for her yet. I think 4 is a little young to actually "get" this, though I would much rather have things out in the open when she is "too young" rather than wait until she is "too old."

My general intent is not to minimize either my losses or hers. I lost babies. She lost parents. Those are not in any way the same thing -- but they are both real and significant losses. My pregnancy losses changed who I am as a person in deep and significant ways. Her loss of her first parents comes at the very core of who she is. And her loss of her foster family in China, with whom she lived for 13 months, is also a profound loss (much more significant to her at this stage, because she actually remembers them).

So, well, we both have "broken" places. And that really sucks. But we love each other very much and that love can help us to heal ourselves and build something new and strong and beautiful, broken places and all.

As for feeling "runner-up," well, I hope that she does not feel that way, but probably sometime she will -- no matter how much I tell her and show her that I love her just for who she is and would not wish for any other child. So I will just try not to dismiss the pain of what she is feeling. Because it is true that in a mythical "perfect world" we would not be together. In a perfect world I'm not even nearly a "runner-up" for ideal parent for her -- at a stretch, as an international, transracial adoptive parent, I might be an honorable mention. But in this beautiful, magical, deeply flawed world -- we are family. I hope that will be enough.

Answer 11

I'm sure my answer will get plenty of negative reviews, but here goes....

I think there are many people out there that would have never adopted if they were able to conceive. Even if the intention was there to adopt at some point, they may not have gotten around to do it. Adoption is costly both emotionally and financially. Life can get in the way for even the couples with the most pure of intentions.

For many couples that have turned to adoption after infertility, infertility is a blessing. They may have never gotten the opportunity to focus on adopting a child without the infertility issues leading the way.

I can only speak for myself in saying that infertility was the best thing that ever happened to me. It has made me a stronger woman and it opened the door for the adoption of my amazing little girl. I wouldn't change a thing about how adoption came to center stage for me. I would never consider my daughter to be a "runner up" or a "next best thing." She is my child and I would lay down my life for her.

I don't think how you get to the decision to adopt is as importatnt as the fact that you made that decision.