Adoption question for aparents?

Question

i was wondering, for those of you who lash out at the adult adoptees on here who are interested in promoting family preservations, etc., and yell at us and tell us how stupid we are, are you prepared for people to treat your adopted kids like you treat us, 20 years from now?

Answer 1

I am an adoptive parent and while I do think adoption is a beautiful thing, I have never called anyone stupid or "yelled" at anyone for promoting family preservation.  I have been repeatedly insulted and called names though, just for being an adoptive parent.  I think we have to live in the REAL WORLD though and admit that sometimes unwanted pregnancies happen and women want to relinquish their babies for adoption.  It is THEIR CHOICE to do so and no one has a right to coerse them to parent the child if they want to relinquish for whatever reason THEY choose--no matter our own personal opinions we may have for someone else's choices.

To answer your question:  My daughter is almost 30 years old and has been treated as a loved family member by everyone in her family (and extended family).  She KNOWS she is loved and valued and she loves ALL of her family.  I've sent her links from this forum and she is of the same opinion that I am.  Yes, she HAD some issues relating to her adoption when she was in junior high and high school at a time when most kids are trying to figure out who they are and the kind of person they want to be.  She resolved these issues way back then.  She still has curiosities about what her birth mother looks like, who she looks like, etc. but these are just curiosities and not obsessions.  She doesn't have resentments that she was adopted or that she can't get her original birth certificate (doesn't have the slighted interest) and has NEVER felt like a second class citizen.  She has gotten on with the business of living her life as an adult, wife, mother, working woman, etc.

Things happen in everyone's life that we have to deal with.  Everyone has issues that can make life difficult and we have 2 choices.  Dwell on it and obsess about it and let it fester to the point that gets us down and/or eats us alive OR deal with it and move on.  

Life happens........to everyone.  Deal with it and move on.

Answer 2

I am an adult adoptee.  I disagree with you.  In EVERY way!!  Just because you have a beef with being adopted doesnt mean that I do.  I dont.  Im glad I was given up for adoption.  Having met by bio family, Im glad I wasnt raised by them.  You arent trying to promote anything, youre trying to ram it down throats, and being agressive and alienating about it too!  You have NO RIGHT to project you resentments and anger off on anyone else, no matter what side of the adoption debate they sit on.

Answer 3

I'm not one who would lash out at adoptees, as my son is one. But I have also wondered myself, when people refer to aparents as greedy, baby hungry infertals, luring women with an open adoption just to kick the birthmom to the curb before the ink is dried, are they talking about their own parents or everyone, except their parents.

I'd hope everyone can treat each individual situation as it is, unique! We all (adoptees, first parents, aparents, or anyone just droppin' by) need to try to keep our judgements to ourselves, this is something I've been trying to work on.

Answer 4

I rather hope that our adopted daughter will not spend her energies trying to blame all, or almost all, of her issues on the fact that she was adopted.

Answer 5

I think some of the adult adoptee's have been very cruel and rude to the aparents in this forum.....however I will not yell or throw insults at you for saying how you feel.

A woman is biologically programed to reproduce and mother....why is it okay to say I am emotionally unstable for wanting to be a parent?  People that are not infertile have babies all the time for the very same reasons that we adopt....are they emotionally unstable? ~~laughing

It's not my fault I was infertile.....I never had a sexual transmitted disease....I never put off having a baby....I have been this way since I was nineteen and no I do not like puppies (GASP!!!    LOL) . I do not think I "deserve a child" but I do think EVERY child deserves a parent.  And I am insulted to be lumped into that category. ~~laughing

I do not want to steal a child from anyone (but I have been known to steal a cookie receipe or two)......I find the entire infant adoption process distasteful. But I also work at a hospital and I see babies abandoned after birth, young children neglected and abused and I have wheeled my fair share of children to the morgue.......not every mother wants nor cares to "preserve" her family. And these children are better off adopted.

Of course children should remain with their moms and dads whenever possible.....my dd is a relatives child who was an adult and chose not to parent on her own volition. She is within her family and that is a good thing.

Many adoptees forget to mention that there are tens of thousands of children who are not in the foster care system that are being raised by other members of their families. So family preservation is relevant and more widespread than you indicate.

Some aparents of today's generation do get "it"......everything the adoptees have talked about here. I care about how my dd feels and while not showing any signs of loss yet I know she will someday and I will be there.....maybe not fully understandng but listening to her needs and wants. I will never make her feel ashamed to want to know her origins. I have saved her original bc so she will never have to wonder.

I have pictures of her parents so she will know where she got her eyes and her smile. The door on this end will always be open.

Answer 6

Unfortunately for you, due to the "time" of your adoption, more than likely, yours was closed, or a "secret".  Things are changing. The responses you are feeling are negative, are from adults like me who have adopted children and more than likely, are more educated on the importance of open adoptions. We 'feel" at times that your situation is not "our" situation. We want nothing more than positive life experiences for our children. WE will also experience enough challenges along our journey in this life with our situations, therefore, the negative support is not taken well.  Everyone in this forum has different opinions, I get that. However, there's nothing positive about nasty, negative thoughts and comments. They are infectious, and just plain "bring you down".  

Again, I understand that your story may not be a happy one, or maybe it is, and your opinion is negative based on some life experience. If that is the case, my suggestion is to seek professional help so that you can live your life in a postive manner. Every family has disfunction, Biological or not. It's how you handle that as an adult that counts for our children.

Answer 7

wow, must be in a mood today, eh?  Goodness, God forbid adoptive parents lash out when they're called names . . .guess it's only your gloom and doom you want to hear.

Answer 8

I don't lash out at adoptees and I support family preservation as long as it truly is in the best interest of the child.

I WILL NOT however tolerate the insults and demeaning label "poor infertile" as they are disrespectful and I will not hesitate to tell you that politely.

I am here to learn from you, but will not have my integrity assaulted because some people feel the need to lash out at the world.

Very well put, Angelcuddles!