Adoption question from an adoptee?

Question

Recently I've asked some questions regarding my reunification with my birthmother (I was adopted at a few weeks old), and the way in which it has being going very negatively. She has, among other things, demanded I cut my parents out of my life, and ignored 3 of my 6 kids because they're not bio kids. I have tried to work with her, encourage her to seek help, etc, but to no avail unfortunately.

Now to my question. As a foster parent, and someone who has worked as a family liason officer, I'm no stranger to adoption horror stories. But I was shocked at the number of people who blamed adoption in and of itself for my birthmother's issues. I understand that a lot of people have suffered a great deal of pain from adoption, and I'm so sorry for them. But sometimes people make their own choices, right or wrong, and adoption certainly isn't always wrong or harmful. So why do so many people still seem to blame adoption itself? I was just looking for an insight, thanks.

Answer 1

There are two books that would answer most of your questions:

http://www.amazon.com/Girls-Who-Went-Awa...

and

http://www.amazon.com/Journey-Adopted-Se...

I don't approve of your mother's actions.  She needs to be given boandaries to adbide by.

But yes, adoption itself is an issue.  I know several APs believe that adoptees are 'blaming' them.  I really 'blame' the instituion itself the most.  I truly believe it is emotionally  unhealthy to grow up with lies, secrecy, and pretending.  Children should be allowed to be sad that they lost their families.  

Natural mothers spend much of their lives in pain, too.  Their one 'decision' is expected to be permadent.  Cripes, even murderers get out of jail eventually...

I've seen other responses that cite mental illness as the cause for her pain.  Natural mothers and adoptees are often 'labeled' by shrinks who either don't know, or refuse to look at a very bad, outdated model--the closed adoption system.  These 'guesses' of your mother's actions by posters here are a classic example of diagnosing the SYMPTOMS, and not the PROBLEM.

I wish you luck.

Answer 2

Snickette, it's clear that your natural mother has unresolved issues in connection with the loss of her child (you).  I don't think that means you have to condone her behavior, however.  You need to do whatever is healthy for you and your family.

Who wouldn't have issues in connection with the loss of a child, especially if they were never given permission to grieve that loss?  I would tell your natural mother that, until she seeks help, you have to bow out of the relationship for your own mental health and that of your children.

As for blaming adoption, if your mother was forced to surrender you because an adoption agency had the potential to make money and fulfill 'orders' from potential adoptive parents, then I can see how she might feel adoption was to blame.  If she gets help, she will be able to sort all this out.

Regarding the psychology that the pasta person is promoting, I respectfully disagree.  Freud & Jung are dead when it comes to the integrity or disintegration of the mother/child dyad, infant & child development, and infant & child trauma - as well as the psychological repercussions on a mother who loses her child - specifically disenfranchised grief.

My own natural mother had plenty of issues stemming from losing me.  Who was to blame?  Society, for its refusal to accept unwed motherhood?  Her parents, who demanded she surrender me to adoption to save themselves from shame?  The adoption agency, who was interested only in filling my adoptive parents' request?  My adoptive parents, who were willing to pay so their son could have a sister?  My natural father, for cutting and running?  

I have found that many people play a part in situations that hurt others.  No one finger can be pointed, but we need to look anywhere and everywhere so we can do all we can TODAY to prevent these painful situations from happening in the future, don't you think?

Answer 3

Being adopted can be very traumatic, leaving scars that never heal. An adopted friend of mine once told me that although he is grateful for his adopted parents--they are in fact NOT his parents. He went on to say that no matter how long he lives, he will never understand how his birth Mother could have thrown him away as a baby, never to return. He said it will never be resolved and he will never be at peace because of it. Unwanted, unloved, and cheated. This is all he feels. He does not blame his adopted parents or fault them, but considers them physical strangers from whom he cannot even gain any genetic knowledge. He believes he will never truly know himself, leaving him feeling alien, and alone, and cast off from his origin. Adopted children really do have hard issues. Go easy on them.

Answer 4

I think in your situation, your birth mother does have some issues with something. It may be a mental disorder, it may be something to do with the adoption, I don't know. I'm a birth mother and I would never ask my daughter to stop talking to her adoptive parents. I am thankful for them and I consider them part of my family. As someone else said, you can never have too many people who love you.

However, your birth mother's actions will hurt your children. If she isn't willing to change her actions around them, as well as letting you have a relationship with your (adoptive) parents, then you might have to walk away from her. I'm not trying to be mean, but she is asking something of you that she shouldn't.

You seem like a smart, thoughtful person. Several people have posted that there is something wrong with adoption and that all birth mothers suffer horrible pain from giving away their child. And that if they weren't coerced into it, they imply that they were unloving. That is simply not true. I wasn't coerced. I don't regret it and I would do it again given that same situation. And I am not mentally ill.

I think there is more to your birth mother's actions than the adoption.

Good luck!

Answer 5

I don't blame my being adopted. Why would I? I was adopted by two wonderful people. My birth mother made her own choices in life. She choose her drugs and men over raising a family. The only good choice she made was when she told social services i will not give up my rights unless she stays with the people who are caring for her now. Otherwise if she didn't say this there was a pretty good chance of me being in the foster care system. What I want is better screening for the adoptive parents because unfortunately some shouldn't be parents,kinda like a person who has bio kids shouldn;t have them because they are abusive. Better counseling for the birth mother to ensure this is what she really wants to do. The welfare of the child is the most important. Now there are posters on here that say because we want reforms we are anti-adoption. That is far from the case. Most of us are for adoption we just want better laws surrounding adoptions. Please do not take to heart what these mean-sprited people say.

Answer 6

most, if not all of the first moms here, blame adoption agencies for the lies and pain it has caused them.

i'm having a hard time understanding how someone who works as a family laison and is a foster mom doesn't understand some of the issues, but then, maybe you're only dealing with that very small percentile that does have problems. it's the mentally healthy and compentent women who know that they were vulnerable and perfectly capable of being a good mother that feel the pain of what has happened to them everyday. how could you not understand the lost of a child? even as a foster mom, don't you develope even the remotest  bond at all with any child you've had and then see them go? when your own biological children leave you for a couple of days, doesn't it just cut right through you? imagine living with that pain every single day, but on top of that, you have to listen to the ignorance of the general public on how ill informed they are about the whole issue.

hope this helps you gain some insight.

EDIT:  i haven't been visiting this site for very long, but i am so glad that "NOODLES" posts and says what she does. she is the perfect example of someone who hasn't any understanding of anything that adoptees / first mothers are saying and have been saying. she is the perfect example of the "general public" that has yet to "get it". without her opposing views, people wouldn't be able read and understand the debate. i don't hate her, i embrace her. she brings up the points that help us clarify what is wrong with the system. we need to all remember that once upon a time we believed in some way, shape, or form that adoption was ok (birth mothers in particular), and i'm not speaking to the ones who had they babies and then they were literally taken away without any choice at all. i'm talking about people, such as myself, who thought there was no other option. we were surrounded by "pro-adoption" people that used brainwashing tactics and would only offer us help if we agreed to an "open" adoption. they promoted lies upon lies, knowing the whole time that they would kick us to the curb as soon as the process was over or shortly thereafter. if we could fall for it, why couldn't someone, who has not been the victim of this practice, also fall for it?

even though it is painful to hear some of the disturbing things that she and others say, it only drives our point home all the better. i hope that anyone who is thinking about giving their child up for adoption, will carefully reconsider. that is my hope, that she will read these posts and be spared what first moms have been through. if i had only known, maybe i would have been able to do something different. maybe not. i also hope that our voices will unite and bring reform, so that those who are in a situation where there isn't financial, physical, and emotional support will receive it. i think that will happen. no one should lose their child when they don't want to, but they do so because they have no one to help them. this is going to bring about that change. that is my agenda.

due to the posts of the adoptees, i'm understanding how they feel. i've learned sooooo much. this is about learning and trying to treat everyone the best we humanly can. adoptees have rights. i haven't walked in their shoes and so i can't speak for their pain, but i hear them. i always feel guilty, because i worry about my daughter and wonder how she fares. we have alot of adoptees who are growing up in an era of knowing there were "open" adoptions, and i'm sure will start wondering what happened to their first mothers. then they will find places like this and realize that we were lied to. i'm sure they were told that the first mom said or did something that justified the AP from maintaining anymore contact, but just like we are coming together and finding out the truth and that we are not alone, they will too. one day, unfortunately, they will realize that they were lied to about the first mom. i don't wish that on any adoptee. that's why there will be reforms in the adoption process.

for all those who AP's who don't honor your agreement, i know that you will one day have to face up to what you did. it will come back to haunt you.

Answer 7

I think adoption is a form of child abuse, so yes I blame adoption itself.

My adopters were less than ideal parents, but the fact is no matter what they did or didn't do, they were never my parents. And that is the problem.

Adoption requires a certain amount of pretense, and a subscription to a false reality. It is both mind-bending and traumatic to live a society that says family is everything, yet for adoptees we lost our entire families and are forced to pretend strangers are an acceptable replacement. They are not.

Answer 8

I'm an adoptee.  I was, however, four months old.

When I was 24, my step-mother gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  When she was four months old, I was holding her in my arms and my step-mother asked me to think about what would happen to her if some stranger walked into our home at that moment and took her away.

It's amazing, but at four months, they have made connections.  They know voices, smells, people.  I don't have an attachment disorder, but I have an irrational fear of losing people and of being left.  But when I met my birth mother, she has a psychological condition.  And I do as well.  Nature vs. nurture.

My mother (adopted) once told a therapist that I had 'issues' surrounding the adoption.  Hardly!  I had 'issues' with her.  She went on to say that if I was her biological child, she would have been better able to relate to me.  The woman has a master's degree and was working as a vice-principal.  All day kids and parents coming through her office.  Probably 80% bio kids and parents, 18% step-parents and 2% adopted or grandparents.  She saw tons of disfunctional families.  But it never occurred to her that my problem was anything but adoption.

Two and a half years ago, so disowned me.  It was a small argument, but she took the side of a neighbour over me.  She literally walked away from me and never spoke to me again.  I was 31.  It hurt.  Now I'm going to be 34 in a couple of weeks and life couldn't be better.  I take my meds, spend time with my father, step-mother and sibilings.  I have a full life.

I also have a bio mother, three siblings and grandparents.  I met them once.  We talk every six months to a year.  They were great in giving me genetic information.  And a bit more information on why I was given up for adoption.

Despite my mother's inability to love me for me (I was NEVER good enough), I didn't feel like I was missing anything or that finding my biological family would fix what was wrong in my life.  I've been bi-polar since my early teens, although I was only diagnosed at 27.  I will say - tongue-firmly-in-cheek - that it was very nice to meet people more like me.  Migraines, mental illness and putting cold water in hot tea were all things I had in common with this brood who are half a continent but just a phone call away.

I've seen disasterous reunions and very successful ones.

I agree with your question as to why blame adoption.  A young woman was living on the street and was pregnant - barely 16.  She was quoted in the paper that she would rather see her baby dead than adopted.

What have we as a society done to allow this view to be so pervasive?  I don't blame the government - they have to screen parents - my adopted mother's pathology would never have shown itself.  She is a psychopath.  Turns the emotions on when it is socially necessary, but never gets attached or loves anyone.

I do not blame the birth mothers and father.  They are NOT throwing away children.  They are giving their children over to people they believe will give their child the best chance in life.  The vast majority of adopted parents are loving and just want a child to love.  Any abberations (abusive parents) can be found with biological and adoptive parents.  I suspect the statistics would bear me out - there are abusive people everywhere.

So if an adopted child doesn't feel like they belong, why is that?  I know that I knew I was adopted as soon as I was old enough to understand.There were others in my family who were adopted and other kids in my school, so I was never teased.  Despite my mother, I knew that I was loved.  My parents divorced - as do around 50% of all families.

But my brother was adopted and he won't search.  He witnessed my mother obsess over my search and her inappropriate and horrible reaction when I did meet my bio mother.  She was awful.  My brother sided with her and took his name off  the list.  Ironically, he is more insecure about being adopted than I am.  We were both told that our birth parents loved us and gave us to our parents so we could have the best life possible.  But maybe other adoptees don't get the positive messages?  One grandfather did 'ignore us' for a year or so because we were adopted.  My other grandmother called him a ba**ard.  I was eight.  I thought  she was right.  I was a great kid.  If he didn't want me around, that was his loss.

And after all these annechdotes and ramblings?

Every situation is different.  I know many adopted kids who have lived happy and productive lives.  I have seen many adopted parents treat their children as if they were their own.

There will always been bad parents.  Or clueless parents.  Or outside family membes who are tactless.

Adoption is a great solution to some horrible situations.  I encourage and advocate it whenever I get the chance.  I informally counsel adoptees about preparing to meet bith parents.  For me it was get genetic info and say thanks.  I got lucky that I met some nice people.

Hope this helps.

Answer 9

Hi Snickette,

I'm so sorry that your first mother is giving you so much grief.

We adoptees are really the meat in the sandwich (so to speak) when it comes to reunion issues.

We have adoptive families on one side - often scared that they are going to 'lose' us in the process of reunification - and some even give adoptees major guilt-trips over the whole process.

And we have birth families pulling (sometimes) to be acknowledged as a major part of our lives. (or in my case - still running away from the decisions of the past - and not even acknowledging my existence)

I'm sorry also that many of the messages you have received on here are conflicting to how you feel about your own adoption. I'm so sorry that you're obviously going through a lot at the moment.

I've become familiar with your struggles with your mother - but am unaware of how much reading and research you've done into the period of your birth - and the effects that relinquishment and adoption has on first mothers.

Yes - I agree - that there comes a point when all humans should stand up and be accountable for their actions, but often there are greater issues at play - and I guess that those that have posted here with answers that have confused you - are just trying to let you know that their are many forces which may have led to your mother's bizarre behavior - that we don't condone - but are just trying to give you some possible insight - some reasons - that may be a contributing factor.

(I think if you can get to some of the root causes behind some peoples actions - sometimes you can come at them from a better angle - know what I mean?!)

I also don't know the full story of your relinquishment, so I'm only putting out suggestions here.

Let me also say that I don't agree with your mother's current behaviour - in any way - and I can truly understand how much her actions are hurting you at this time. She does need to be told that her behaviour is hurting you - and that perhaps a break is needed to create some safe space for you - as she is currently a little out of control.

I just wanted to leave you with some links to articles of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and the psychological effects of losing a child to adoption - on a birth mother.

Also I would suggest that grabbing a copy of 'The Girls That Went Away' by Ann Fessler - to understand more - if you so wish.

Quote from The Medical Journal of Australia in 1986 -

"Few [exiled mothers] had sufficient contact with the child at birth or received sufficient information to enable them to construct an image of what they had lost. Masterson (1976) has demonstrated that mourning cannot proceed without a clear mental picture of what has been lost." - "Psychological Disability in Women who Relinquish a Baby for Adoption," by Dr. John T. Condon (Medical Journal of Australia, vol 144, Feb/86)

I have come to learn that my mother is very screwed up from the effects of losing me - and my older sister - to adoption in the 60's. Her mother was the driving force behind my adoption - together with society views of the times - even though my father offered marriage at the time.

Once the papers were signed - mothers were told to go home and 'get over it' - as if nothing had ever happened.

No grieving was allowed.

Total shame was placed upon them.

If they had lost children to death - they would have been able to openly grieve, and support would have been given to them by all that knew them.

Losing a child to adoption was often cloaked in secrecy - and mother's had to live their lives always wondering what ever happened to their child.

To be perfectly blunt - it f*cked up many many women in the head - and as many were never given any counseling - let alone even able to talk with friends or relatives about the events that took place - much was internalized - and now we have many many messed up women - very confused with where their place is with their adopted out kids - if they ever even have the chance of reunion.

No - adoption isn't always wrong or harmful - especially when we talk about parents who abuse their children - and their children need to be taken away for safety. All children deserve a chance at a loving and caring family. For me - I just want to make sure that only those adoptions take place - and not the ones that really don't have to happen - just because expecting mothers are talked into it being in the best interests of the child - when she hasn't even been given a chance.

A first mother friend of mine once said that we adoptees do come from messed up families alot of the time - because those families didn't step up to the plate & nor did they fight to keep us. Some days I do believe this - but others I look at it with a compassionate heart and think that it must have been mighty hard for my mother when all the odds were stacked against her.

It's hard. It's a messy affair. There are so many contributing factors - and all of it can never be undone.

I just want to do my part to make sure that if it doesn't need to happen - then it shouldn't. My main concern is for the adoptee - as we are the one so often caught in the middle - with choices being constantly made without our approval.

I hope you can find a way to make your mother see how much she is currently hurting you.

I hope she can also find some peace.

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

http://www.exiledmothers.com/adoption_fa...

http://www.originscanada.org/adoption_tr...

http://crowlie.wordpress.com/category/ad...

Answer 10

The worlds of foster care adoptions vs domestic infant adoptions are miles apart.  I don't know that the mothers who place via domestic infant adoption blame adoption for their unhappiness so much as they blame the corrupt domestic infant adoption system.  The counselors who work for domestic infant adoption agencies do everything that they can to denigrate the expectant mother's ability to parent.  They have them make lists of what they can provide their children vs what the their well-heeled customers can provide.  They try to drive a wedge between supportive parents of expectant moms and the moms and try to isolate them from all support systems.  They give the expectant mothers lists of what they must provide their children that are absolutely ridiculous.  (I am a mother to 2 children and have never heard of some of the c**p on the so-called list of "necessities").  The counselors most assuredly do not seriously explore the option of parenting because parenting means no $$$ collected.  So, often although the mother made a free choice at the time, she often looks back and realizes that she was duped and manipulated.

For the "birth" mothers who made uncoerced choices of adoption, I think that there are two reasons that they blame adoption on their subsequent unhappiness.

First, in any relinquishment, there is inherent loss.  Even the "birth" mothers who feel that they made the best decision for their children, grieve deeply because of the loss.  Very, very few are able to walk away with no feelings of deep loss.  They need to work through their grief, much in the same way that people work through the death of a loved one.  They learn to cope but they can never be the same person that they were before.

Second, many women who made uncoerced choices for adoption do so based on their situation at that time.  For many of them, their situation changes.  They finish school, they marry (often the father of the relinquished child), they become financially stable, and they have children and realize that they ARE good mothers.  That is when many "birth" moms look back and realize that could have successfully parented their children and begin to have serious regrets, bitterness, and anger at the adoption system.  They (rightfully) blame the adoption system that is too quick to judge the ability of single/poor moms to parent and pressure them to give their children away to "better people".

I hope that helps and that some is relevant to your mom's situation.  I admire you so much for trying to understand your mother's anger and resentment.

Answer 11

This question has been asked so many times. It almost makes me want to write out a form response. I digress, my bad.

Most of the people around here are NOT blaming the act of adoption, they are blaming a flawed adoption system. Adoption can be and often is the best choice for the child, that is what we all want right? What is best for the child?

It isn't a matter of hating adoption or wanting to stop the practice. It is a matter of wanting adoption reform. For agencies and adopters to cease the coercion tactics they use with natural parents. For agencies to stop selling children to the highest bidder with Caucasian infants topping the financial scales. For adoptive families, adoptees, adopters and natural parents to have easy access to badly needed resources such as parenting skills, counseling, financial aid (should the natural parents choose to parent instead of place), open records for ALL, an end to the secrecy and an open book policy for agencies to ensure they operate legally and ethically.

None of us want to see a child live in true squalor or with an abuser. What we do want is an end to the dirty adoption practices thus bringing, once again, to the forefront what is really important here. The wellbeing of the child.

Answer 12

You are right that people do make their own choices, and that not everything can be blamed on adoption.  I think, without knowing more about your bmom and the situation, it would be hard to know what was going on.  Even if adoption has caused her difficulties, it is unfair of her to take them out on you rather than trying to work through them.

That said, as you point out yourself, adoption does cause a great deal of pain for some.  It isn't easy to get over great pain and loss, and that can influence and affect choices that we make.  People may be trying to give your bmom the benefit of the doubt, that maybe there's a reason she's acting this way.  

Whether or not the pain and loss of adoption explains her behavior, it doesn't justify it.  But blaming adoption for the pain and damage it causes is a different thing than excusing that behavior.  But saying that it doesn't excuse bad behavior doesn't mean the pain and damage isn't real.  

I do blame adoption for all the pain and damage it causes.  I don't use it to excuse bad behavior.

I am sorry for the way she continues to treat you.  Good luck.

Answer 13

Snickett,

Ryan's Mom is right. They are mentally ill. They cannot answer your question because they cannot deal with reality. They feel guilty, they are hypocrites and want to blame everyone else, especially adoptive parents and adoptees from good experiences, for their mistakes. They cannot look at themselves in the mirror and face the truth. They are in denial. The psychological term for this is defense mechanisms. They wouldn't give you an answer to your question, even if it killed them. To do that, they would have to admit the truth and these people cannot deal with the truth. So as long as they are calling us "baby stealers, baby brokers, telling you & others that you couldn't possibly have had a good adoption experience,etc." , they will still "blame adoption itself". Maybe if you asked this in the Psychology section, you might get more information? I'm not a fan of Freud but he did coin these definitions. Jung would be the one who would have the answers to your question. Ask the followers of Jungian thought, what they think about your question.

I am so very sorry for what you are going through. Your bio mom has over stepped the boundaries. I know you have all of your childrens' best interests in mind. You've given her several chances and she continues to "bite the hand", so to speak. She sounds very troubled and very toxic. She needs help. You do not "owe" it to her. Be careful and hang in there. Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers.

Erryn B, you were not only a great child but you are a GREAT HUMAN BEING. What an awesome post!

Healing: Snickett never said you were one of the ones blaming adoption itself. We all agree that there should be reforms. She's talking about those sychophants below us.

Andrayno: you ask "what is best for the child?". Heaven help us! That's the problem here: your gang has no idea what is best for the children. One of the things best for the children is to stop ranting and raving about and to those of us who have adopted and really work at reforming the system now. What's done is done. We are not taking our children back. We aren't going to lie if we love our parents who raised us. If you are going to continue to trash those of us who have adopted and adoptees who've had a good experience, then you and your gang are hurting your cause. I'd really like to see you guys, just once think about the children instead of being so selfish and only thinking about yourselves. Who would want to join a bunch of raving maniacs who never bother to hear the other side and call the rest of us "baby-stealers, baby buyers,unfit/ bad/evil mothers, crazy for not hating the parents who raised us, horribly vile names, etc."? No one in their right mind. As for your gang trying to brown nose Snickett & the rest of us, we're on to you and your tactics. You have lowered yourselves to the level of the re-born agains & so called Christians who began all of this anti-abortion junk. All this screaching, isn't furthering your cause, just alienating more and more people. Have a nice day! Keep those thumbs down coming.

Answer 14

My apologies, I thought you were asking for ways to reconcile with her to reach a positive end

If you have already made up your mind to walk away, then do what's best for you and your children.  

I would never cut my adoptive parents out of my life or have any of my children ignored either

Whatever you do, I wish you well

Answer 15

You need to cut HER out of your life. My Ex-brother in law blamed his adoptive parents for the way he acted because his mom gave birth to a bio daughter 2 years after he was adopted (She was told she would never get pregnant). They treated them different.

I don't think your bio mom's issues are because of the adoption. I think she just has a form of mental illness that makes her act the way she does, and I hope you realize that the best thing that she did was give you up for adoption so you didn't have to be subjected to that your entire life. For the sake of your kids do NOT allow them to be around her anymore.

Answer 16

Counseling would help her. As a reunited birthmother, I know my place in the grand scheme of things. She has a mother, but I feel you can't have too many people who love you. It is unfair of her to ask you to giveup anyone. Obviously she hasn't learned anything from her pain at your loss.