Adoption regrets and awkwardness

Question

When I was 16 I made a series of very stupid mistakes and I got pregnant. Almost immediatly after I found out I decided on adoption and my mom found the most amazing couple. While I was still 16 I had a girl, they named her Addison. It was an open adoption, however I don't visit, or anything like that we basically just send e-mails. They e-mail me pictures of her and give me updates and I really wish they didn't. I feel like it's really awkward e-mailing them and getting all these pictures of her. She's 4 now, started pre-school, it's just crazy how she's growing up. She looks just like me and I feel really weird about the whole thing. I really wish they would just stop contacting me all together but at the same time I don't really know if I could stand not knowing how she's doing. So my question is for anyone who's ever dealt with adoption. What should I do? Do I tell them to stop e-mailing me? Did you deal with anything similar?

Answer 1

This is from an adoptive parent's perspective.  We have a semi-open international adoption.  We send pictures and updates to the agency in our daughter's birth country that fascilitated the adoption.  I constantly wonder if our daughter's mother is going to the agency to get the updates and pictures.  I wonder if it hurts her to see them, if it helps her to see them, or if she just can't handle seeing them and doesn't go to get them.  I think if I were you, I would not feel guilty if it is too difficult to receive updates right now.  Let them know.  At the same time, for you, for your daughter, and for the adoptive parents, I would tell them that you absolutely do not want to close things off forever.  Tell them that you will let them know if your contact information changes and when you are ready for contact again, and that you expect and want the same from them.  Good luck.  

Answer 2

I have not been in your position, however, I was adopted and at the age of fifteen I contacted my biological parents. I did not realize how hard it would be, how difficult as I had younger full siblings that were with my biological parents.

I tried many different forms of a relationship, but was constantly blamed by my biological mother for everything, etc. I thought recently maybe just e-mails from time to time would be okay however, in my heart I knew it was not going to work. Too many painful memories for both parties.

I think you need to seek advice of those you trust, then do what your heart is telling you.

I wish you all the best of luck.

Answer 3

It sounds as though you understand the importance of not cutting off contact completely for you daughter's sake.  I'm wondering if you did occasionally meet face to face if that would help.  Your daughter already knows about you, so it wouldn't be a shock to her.  It's just that making her more "real," as opposed to pictures on a screen that look -- perhaps eerily so -- like you, could be very helpful to both of you.

The aparents have already invited you to visit.  Why not go ahead with it?  Could it be that what feels weird is the emotional distance in the type of contact you have?

Answer 4

You've done a good job articulating your feelings, all you need to do know is to share them with the parents. Open adoption is a very tricky business and while contact and changes in contact should be discussed before any adoption plan is made, quite often there's no realistic discussion of the issue.

Take some time to really think through all of your feeling on the subject and then set up a discussion with the parents to review every aspect of your relationship. Would you like to basically close the adoption? That is certainly not impossible and may be just fine with the parents.

I would suggest that because the parents know who you are you leave the door open for contact when the child turns 18. You could also ask that they send an annual update letter to your or even to a third party.

Enter the conversation ready to ask for precisely what you want and be respectful of and responsive to their wishes. You may find that they are very accepting of your proposal or that they are willing to reach a compromise that supports everyone's needs.

Answer 5

Guilt sucks huh?

Suck it up and if you can't hack the guilt stop opening the emails. Someday you will be VERY thankful to have those pictures... trust me.

Answer 6

I applaud you for doing the right thing and giving her daughter life and great home.  You are an inspiration to others in the same situation.

Be honest with the adoptive parents...tell them...

Find the support you need....

I will pray for you...

There are lots of adoption support groups online that can help you. Never Give Up!

http://reunion.adoption.com

Great Articles

http://www.adoption-help.org

Support Groups:

http://groups.msn.com/TheForgottenPeople

Yahoo! Groups

http://groups.yahoo.com

SearchingRegistry

familytiesadoptionsearch

adoptee-support

soaringangels

usaadoptiondatabase

touchedbyadoption

Google Groups

alt.birthright

alt.support.adoption

alt.support.adoption

Top Rated Books:

Adoption Healing ...a path to recovery

by Joseph M. Soll

The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide: Preparing Yourself for the Search, Reunion, and Beyond

Being Adopted: The Lifelong Search for Self

by David M. Brodzinsky

Birthright: The Guide to Search and Reunion for Adoptees, Birthparents, and Adoptive...

by Jean A. S. Strauss

Whose Child? : An Adoptee's Healing Journey from Relinquishment through Reunion ... and Beyond

by Kasey Hamner

Adoption: Uncharted Waters: A Psychologist's Case Studies. . . Clinical and Forensic Issues, With Practical Advice for Adoptees, Parents and Therapists by David Kirschner

Birthbond: Reunions Between Birthparents and Adoptees - What Happens After...

by Judith S. Gedimen

Adoption Healing... A Path to Recovery for Mothers Who Lost Children to Adoption by Joseph M. Soll and Karen Wilson Buterbaugh

Adoption Forum: Intimate Discussions to Unite the Triad in Healing by Kasey Hamner

Answer 7

I don't really have an answer, but maybe you could learn from my experience.  I adopted 5 kids through foster care and in the process, got really close to their first mom.  We kept contact and the kids still knew her and loved her.

Yesterday, she died.  And my heart hurts because we were close and I always wanted our kids to know her.

However, I am so happy that we kept in contact.  I can tell them details about her and how much she loved them.  I have pictures of her with them.  We just had a visit last week and I'm so happy we did that.

So, do what you think is right, but know that you must be so special to the aparents.  I am sure that they love you and respect you like I did Teresa.  I know that I feel like a piece of my heart and my kids hearts are missing right now and they might feel like that if you choose to not have contact.  My thoughts will be with you and your situation.

Answer 8

As an adopted woman (who desperately wanted to know her BM), I think that it's important for you to not cut off ties completely. I think the best thing to do would be to speak with, or write if that's more comfortable for you, to her parents and let them know that you'd prefer one or two yearly updates so that you know what's happening in her life, but that it is hard for you to receive so many emails and look at all the pictures of her. If they put themselves in your shoes and thought about how hard the entire ordeal must have been, and still is, for you I think they would do things differently. I met my BM in my late teens (mine was a closed adoption) and am so thankful to know her, where I came from, who I look like,etc...but we don't have a close relationship. I think it's a lot of pressure to try and remain close like that. I just feel good knowing where she is and that she's ok. It sounds like that's how you feel about you daughter. Good luck! You have to be a really strong woman to be dealing with this!

Answer 9

Well i all can say is i am adopted and also i agree on a lot of what Dawn R said. i had to ask my mom to help me on this question and we both think that in away it's time to let go. What you can ask of them is when she reaches 15 or 18 you can receive a scarp book of her. But in a way you see that their taking good care of her and loving her. You are a brave and smart person for putting her up for adoption. Maybe some day she would want to find you and meet you...i know i want to meet my birth mom when i reach of age. And just remember that you are a great person...you gave her a wonderful life. you gave her a chance to live. And the adoptive parents are so happy you gave them a chance to be a parent. i hope this helped.

Answer 10

Lauren,

I am the father of two adopted children and I want you to know how brave I think you are. I had a friend of mine who gave up a girl for adoption much as you have. She one time confided to me the entire story to me as I and my wife began to adopt. She expressed how painful it was and how it changed her forever.

If you need time maybe telling them how you feel might be the right thing to do.

A mediator might be able to work through some of this for you.

You could maybe talk to someone professionally to help you deal with your feelings.

I really hope this is of help.

I wish I knew more to be of help.

-Sizzlefrap

Answer 11

You must find the answer to this question yourself.  If you are uncomfortable with this situation, then there must be something not right with it.  However, I personally think that it comes down to the happiness of the little girl.   How would she feel NOW if you dropped out of her life.  If you feel it would not make a difference at all, then you should seriously think of doing that.  However, if this is going to cause trauma for her, and a feeling of abandonment, then you should put her first.  Either way, the little girls feelings should be the first consideration.

Answer 12

Having read your story and especially the final sentence of the additional details you added, I get the feeling that what is really bothering you is the question if you made the right decision and receiving emails and photos are a reminder of what you seem to feel as a mistake.

If my assumptions are correct, I'd suggest to give yourself the time and space to grieve. The decision you made cannot be undone, but you may find a level of acceptance of the situation as it is. Maybe then the photos and the emails will get a different meaning.

Answer 13

I also was 16 years old and I too became pregnant... This was in 1978

and times where differnt then,,, I had no help really,,,,,,I decided a month before I had her that I could not give her ( no I did not know she was a girl then...not till I had her,,in Nov 1978) the life she deserved. I had been on my own and besides working as a waitress ( only job a 16 year old could get) and then having to go on welfare there was no way I was going to put a child in that ,living at the YWCA or any cheap hotel or motel,,, was not what my child deserved,,I  loved her so much I to much to put her where a roof over her head and food in her tummy where not always availiable,, So I did what I had to but of love for her,,The hardest thing I ever done was sign the adoption papers at her birth ( In SALT LAKE City Utah area).. I would give almost anyrhing to find her..I have been trying for years,I am with On the Utah Vital records - Utah Mutaual Consent Voluntary Adoption Regisrty- and also with the ISRR and every site I can find.. To me I do not understand  you? I am searching as is her half sister who is 10 years younger than her ( I had her when I was married and 26). What I would give to have contact..She will be 30 years old in NOV ,,,,, I do not understand you,,How could you not want contact?

Answer 14

Oh honey. You are stuck in a catch 22 that I know all too well. Pictures and updates hurt but not knowing hurts. I don't know what is right for you but I can tell you what I do. I made a special folder in my email program just for those emails. If I don't feel strong enough to look at them when they arrive I save them to the folder. I send a quick thank you for the update or pictures so the APs know I got them. Then I can look at the email when I am ready. Sometimes it takes a couple of hours and sometimes its weeks. Either way contact is kept and I control when I see and read emotionally painful updates. It is often gard to go back to getting a bunch of pictures. I was too scared to risk yet another refret by asking to take a break. It is so important to you daughter that she knows you were always there loving her. Some days the only thing that keeps me going is knowing my daughter needs me here. If you ever need to talk to someone that is dealing with similar issues feel free to email me. Good luck. My heart is with you

Answer 15

I am a birth mother with an open adoption too.  I am sorry that it makes you feel weird to hear from the adoptive family.  I understand that how hard it is.  

Personally, I don't think I could live if I didn't hear from my son's adoptive parents as much as I do (even though sometimes I do feel awkward,) but my boyfriend (his father) feels the same way you do.  To each his or her own.  I think you should just be open about your feelings, and ask them to give you some space.  Don't break all contact though.  You never know how you may feel in the future.    And I doubt you would want to hurt your daughter in any way.  

ETA:  I like stinky pete's answer.

Answer 16

Does your daughter know about you?  Would she be hurt if you cut off contact?  

These are the most important questions in my mind.  How would she feel?  

If you need some distance, that's one thing.  But I would try to stay in touch enough so that if she has questions, they can find you to ask.  

Your daughter is likely to want to know  you at some point, if she doesn't already.  Don't burn that bridge, for her sake, if not for yours.

Answer 17

what you can do is have them send letter or pictures to your parents. and to stop e mailing you. explain to them that you love your bio daughter but it really is starting to get hard on you. and with them letting your parents know how she is, say 1-2 times a year you can read or see the pictures when you feel you are ready. i commend you for stepping up and going through the pregnancy, giving someone a child is amazingly beautiful. i wish you the very best in life. i have adopted 4 children and i send a christmas card and school pic once a year to the family, bless you

Answer 18

i havent delt with adoption but one of my really good friends has and she told me that it is really hard for her two but they made an agreement that... Once a year the family will mail you one picture and give you updates on her. that might make it easier. tell them no more emails of pictures that its just to hard for you and ask if you can do what i just told you. maybe every year around her birthday! i am sorry if this doesnt help but my friend says its easier then not at all but better then not to much!

Answer 19

Have you thought about getting visitation. I think it might help you to be able deal with it better emotionally. I'm sure the Aps will be more than willing to comply since its an open adoption and they want whats best for your daughter.  I'm sure its killing you to watch her grow up and not be a part of her life.  She wants to be a part of your life no matter how well she's being cared for. Nothing can change that your her mom and they are parenting her.  Good luck.  

Answer 20

As an A-mom, I'd hope that my son's mother was honest with me about the level of communication she wanted.  

If the current communication situation is too much for you now, ask for less emails...  and explain to them why.  I'd call (not email) them because if your daughter were to later on get a hold of an email from you saying you didn't want updates of her, she may get the wrong idea and feel totally rejected.

I'm sure they are so proud of your daughter and want to share all they can with you.  You should do what's in your heart.  Ask your Mom for advice maybe and give the adoptive parents a call.