Adoption supporters only?

Question

First of all this ex of mine broke up with me and cheated two weeks before our wedding while I was four months pregnant. What a catch, right?

Well now I’m organizing an adoption for our baby since we are both barely twenty, and neither of us are ready to be single parents...

He told me that we could plan the adoption but he won't hesitate to back out last minute and not sign adoption papers.

How can I make him realize that backing out last minute (again) is mean, selfish, and hurtful, ESPECAILLY in an adoption?!?!

Is this just a normal guy thing to try to get out of things?

Answer 1

I'm sorry there are some incredibly outspoken, judgmental, and unempathetic people answering your question.  I'm sorry your ex is so immature.  Ask him why he says that.  If he is willing to make the plan, then tell him to put both feet in or walk away.  He is putting everyone's future in limbo by doing that. Tell him you know it is his right to back out of the adoption.  But remind him that he should be keeping the child's best interest in mind.  This is about what is best for the baby.  Good luck.

Answer 2

I would just have the baby and give him full custody, if he decides he wants to be a parent.  Thats whats going to happen anyway.  You might want to give the couple that your organizing the adoption with the heads up that the childs father is against it.  Just because he decided against marriage doesn't mean he should be punished or wouldn't be a good father.

Answer 3

"this was not a planned pregnancy"

unless you were on birth control and he wore a condom and you STILL got pregnant, I would say that you should have perhaps thought of this before you had s*x...I'm always surprised by this, especially since a) it's 2008 and there are TONS of ways of getting bc and condoms and b) you're 20...not like 12 just "experimenting"...

Also, I think it's important to remember that no matter what you choose...you will never be un-pregnant. There is literature and people out there that have given their children up for adoption and I would HIGLY recommend you research how YOU will feel after you relinquish a child...that's the selfish aspect of course....

and when you're done understanding the ramifications of how you will feel after you give up your child, think about what they will go through. read, listen to others (get the adoptees prospective...pro AND con). Don't you want the truth and not somebody to just pat you on the back and make you feel hunky dory?

You are entitled to the opinion that your ex won't be a good father. Perhaps he won't. But maybe he will, and you don't have the right to take that away from him if that's the case. Adoption isn't a one-time choice, it's an entire experience for everyone involved, and I wouldn't take that step lightly...

Answer 4

Make sure he knows just how much child support he will be paying every month.  Also, let him know that you expect him to take fully responsibility for the child.  That means joint custody.  You expect him to do half the laundry, change half the diapers, lose half the sleep, etc.

I bet he'll sign then.

Answer 5

We dont know all the circumstances but if he is the way your suggesting he probably wont refuse to sign. But in some cases he can give up his rights before the baby is born, I dont know if you've found anyone to adopt yet but if so then contact there attorney and let them know you would like to know the possibility. By again do you mean he's done this before??? If so you shouldn't get an adoptive family involved until after the birth and the rights are taken, I'm an adoptive family and have had two children removed at the last minute it sucks and is way harder to deal with than anything else I've ever been through. Thank you for actually caring about the other family. Congratulations on doing the right thing for your child.

Answer 6

Well if you honest to god sure about adoption this is what you gotta do. Go to an agency first they be able to tell you what you have to do what kind of adoption you want counseling everything like that. When you baby is born if he doesn't sign the birth certificate you can go to court to not only to terminate your rights but also his. If he does claim the child is his and wants to fight for custody then they would take a paternity test and if it is his then he would have to pay for all of the testing. They would look into his back round to see if he would make a good father. I didn't have to do that with my daugthers father but my lawyer told me what would happen if that would come down to it. Again go to an agency see what they are about get your questions answered hope this helps.

Answer 7

Sounds like he did you and your baby a BIG favor by opting out.  No way in the world would I hand this child off to him......YOU decide what you want to do.....Give this baby to a loving couple who want a baby and have the MEANS to take care of your child.  I would say YES......looks like you may need to get legal advise.  When in doubt about the reprocussions....see a lawyer.......good luck.

Answer 8

Your child didn't cheat on you. If you were all ready to get married and have this child, why back out now?

You have no crystal ball telling you that your husband is going to live forever and you wouldn't be stuck being a single parent anyway.

The weddings off so the childs off too.

I'm having a real hard time with the unfit father scenario. You were going to marry an unfit father? You were going to raise a child with an unfit father?

He  pissed in your oatmeal and there's nothing you can do to get him back except see to it that he never sees his child again. NICE.  

THOUGHT MUCH ABOUT HOW YOUR GOING TO EXPLAIN THAT WHEN THE TIME COMES?

BTW: I support ethical adoption. this isn't it.

Answer 9

I am wondering if there is some paperwork that you can have him sign now to relinquish his parental rights. Ask the adoption agency that you are working with.

Another thing you can do is right down all the dates and times that he tells you that he is ok with the adoption. Or all the times that he does something that would make him look like a bad parent. ( drinking and driving, yelling, bad behavior, abusive etc.)  All things will help later on if he chooses to contest the adoption.

Answer 10

Technically if yall are not married I think that you can give the baby up without his permission.  I would look into it or contact an adoption agency and ask them.  

Sounds to me like is being a big baby and jerk to you just because he can. Or he is trying to contol what you do.  Does he have contol issues? Guys tend to be like that sometimes.  Sorry that may be besides the point.

Anyway if you have not set on adoptive parents yet then I would love to talk to you. My husband and I are 23 and cannot concieve for some reason.  Email me if you would just be interested in talking.  Thanks.

Answer 11

If you are working with an agency they should have a staff member or attorney that is able/prepared to speak to him or mediate a conversation between the two of you.  He can and may very well interfere with this plan.  I wish you luck.  It may also help if he feels an active part of the adoption plan.  For example if you let him have some input in the selection of the adoptive parents and if he gets to meet them ahead of time with you.  Try to work through this together.

Answer 12

Wow, I can't believe how judgmental some of the comments in this thread are.  I wouldn't pay any attention to them. If both you and the father don't feel that you are ready raise a child then you are doing the right thing to give the baby to parents who will love and appreciate him/her. Yours is a tough situation. I also don't think its right that the father is saying that he doesn't want the baby on one hand and then saying that he might change his mind at the last minute. Change his mind and do what with the baby? He doesn't sound like a very responsible person to me so I can't imagine him raising that child by himself.

Answer 13

Some of these people giving you answer are being unrealistic. You never said you didn't want your child. Your recognizing that you may be ill prepared for what lies ahead.

Giving the child to a less then twenty year old man who has shown a pattern of irresponsibility is ludicrous!

What kind of life will that be this this poor child? I suspect that there is more to to the story then your letting on.

For years I heard that my daughter's biological father should have been given the chance to raise her. He was a convicted rapist, registered s*x offender and "recovering" drug addict. Ummmm yeah perfect father material. After being incarcerated a second time for rape last year he signed over his parental rights agreeing that he was a danger. That is what HE said, he feared he would hurt her. Oh! He just fatally stabbed a fellow inmate three weeks ago.

Simply but honey whether there was a baby or not, you left him so he is going to do what he can to "control" you. You have very little chance of adopting out your child because he can contest which could drag out for years leaving this child with no permanence. I really have no advice. I do suggest you parent because any attempt to surrender your parental rights to an adoptive family will be construed by the court as no desire to parent and he can be awarded FULL custody and you will have NO SAY and NO VISITATION. This is a slippery slope be careful.

Answer 14

The father does indeed have the right to raise his child if he wishes to do so.  It is not selfish of him to change his mind in the end or even afterwards if he wants the baby himself.  It would be best if the two of you could figure out what is going to be the outcome here. If BOTH of you are willing to give the baby up for adoption then that is when you should start the process because it wouldn't be right to start before the both of you are ready.  He can indeed stop the adoption at any time, so if you don't have his consent you are not going to be able to proceed.  Good luck!

Answer 15

men seldom have say in parenthood, unless they're the father and even then have limited say.  Is this right? not for me to decide.  however, in most states it doesn't really matter if the rather opts out, as some abusive men may do this just as a tactic to terrorize women, and because adoption is a money making enterprise so the companies really don't care.  below is a direct quote from american adoptions:

Q. Do I have to include the birth father in the adoption?

A. We encourage birth father participation in the adoption process. If the birth father is not supportive, or chooses not to participate in the adoption, that is OK. In most states, the birth father will be notified of the adoption, however we can still proceed if he chooses not to sign a consent to adoption or be involved in any way. If he is supportive and willing to be involved, then we have background information and legal papers for him to sign.

Answer 16

he has every right to back out. if what you are worried about is him backing up last minute, dont put the baby up for adoption before it is born. Then after it is born, he will decide if he wants to keep it or give him up.

if he were to back out last minute, it wouldnt be his fault because you were the one that made all the plans for the adoption so it would be kinda your fault that you hurt the adoptive parents because you knew he was thinking about backing out.

Whether he is a fit parent or not is not for you to decide.

Answer 17

Don't  proceed with an adoption plan unless the AP's KNOW that he probably will back out.  It's not fair to them, and can be crushing to have to give a child back.  There are ways to do an adoption, and legally, you can check with an attorney.  

Cheater seem to not only cheat on every spouse they marry, or have a relationship, they cheat on their kids at the same time.  Although I know you're hurt at this time, you're much better off without him, no matter what decision you make.

My prayers are with you.  This is a difficult, and emotional time.  Be aware that if he gets the baby, you can be liable for child support.  Hurting anyone is not normal, although you can be glad that he is making you aware of the possibility that he might change his mind.  If he does, and you sign consent papers (and don't revoke them before the waiting period), your parental rights could be taken away, and you could be liable for child support.  When placing the child, read EVERYTHING before you sign it.  AP's can pay for legal counsel to advise you if you have ANY questions.  You can take the papers home with you, read over them, do internet research, etc, if you wish. You are in control because it's your child you are placing.

I sent you an e-mail with more information.  Please read it.

Answer 18

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like he is trying to cause trouble, and not trying to parent the child. I would be honest about the situation with the agency and potential adoptive parents. They can decide if they are okay with the additional stress of his antics. He may very well not contest the adoption, and depending on the state you are in, he it may be possible to terminate his rights without his explicit consent as long as certain procedures are followed (e.g. sometimes if he hasn't supported you during the pregnancy even though he knows about it....). Your agency should be able to advise you about what the possible scenarios are. We were talking to a pregnant woman where the father was being difficult and the agency was very honest with us about the possible outcomes. In the end the mom decided to parent on her own, so it didn't come down to him deciding.  

you should be able to plan the adoption, and just get all the information about what to do in the event he doesn't cooperate.

Answer 19

why don't you just keep your baby and raise him/her you being kinda selfish by making him sign the papers my best friend was a teenage mom and did OK without a man in her life and the child is now13 years old

YOU SAY THAT YOUR NOT OLD ENOUGH TO RAISE A BABY BUT YOUR OLD ENOUGH TO GET MARRIED GROW UP AND RAISE YOUR BABY

WHAT MAKES HIM NOT A FIT FATHER?  

HOW OLD ARE YOU TWO?

YOU DONT WANT YOUR BABY THATS SAD IT ISNT THE BABYS FAULT HE CHEATEDON YOU WHAT  IT SOUNDS LIKE ME IS THAT YOU WANT TO TAKE IT OUT ON YOUR CHILD DO YOU NOT LOVE THAT BABY SH*T IF IT WAS ME I KNOW I WOULD LOVE THAT BABY EITHER WAY

YOU NEED TO PULL YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR BACKSIDE

WELL WHAT ARE THESE OTHER REASONS?

*******WEBHEAD KISS MY BACK SIDE IF YOU DONT LIKE MY ANSWER*********

Answer 20

#1, your baby doesn't care what problems you're having in your life, or why you think adoption is a good idea.  For your baby, none of that makes any difference.  All s/he knows is YOU, and if s/he loses you, it's going to hurt.  A LOT!

#2, if you don't want to parent, give your child to the child's father.  He has just as much right as you do to his own child.  If you don't think he's fit to be a single father, keep the child yourself.  You can't give away his child without his consent.

#3, children do grow up.  One day, your child is going to be asking you why you did these things.  What are you going to say?  And what if your child says, "thanks for making these decisions for me, but I still would rather have grown up with a poor, single parent than with strangers who are nothing like me, wondering all along why my own mother didn't love me enough to take care of me herself"?

#4, when you say "adoption supporters only", that really makes people who aren't adoption supporters want to answer.  Just thought I'd let you know that.  Sorry, I'm not good at following directions.  I support adoption, but only if it's absolutely necessary (which means that the child was, or would have been, subject to abuse or neglect).

Answer 21

If he wants the baby, let HIM adopt it.  He should have first choice after you, and if you don't want the baby... let him.

If he wants to give the baby the father it deserves, its his business.

You shouldn't have made a baby then decided it wasn't what you wanted.

---

If he is not a fit father, why were you engaged?  Why did you decide at first to have the baby with him?  

Even though neither of you are fit to be parents... He still has legal rights, AND he can keep the baby.  You'd be stuck with child support, so if he truely is bad, make sure you get some serious documentation so that you don't get stuck in the wrong situation.

Answer 22

Unless you can prove, in court, he would not be a fit father, you cannot cut him out of it.  He's within his rights to back out.  A child belongs with his or her parents if at all possible.

It doesn't sound like he's trying to "get out of" anything.  It sounds like he's trying to take responsibility for the child.

Answer 23

Please don't pressure him into signing papers. No matter what he has done in the past, this is his child too, and if he wants to raise it, it should be his choice to do so.  I think if he wants to parent he should give it a try. If things dont work out then, he could make an adoption plan after already trying to parent.  Maybe he would be a decent father if given the chance. You can't know that now, before the baby is even born.  

I dont think it is mean or selfish of him to not want to sign over his rights.  That is a very perminate thing to do, and if he is having second thoughts I think it is his right not to talk to possible adoptive parents or agencies.