Adoption...visit with first mom...AP's.?

Question

Hi. We will be visiting with our child's mom in the next month for the 1st time and I am looking to get some things together for her. It will be just us and the social worker, and her child will not be there. Besides pictures, what other things would you suggest we bring? Also, can/should we bring pictures that have both her child and us in them, or only individual pictures of the child? We will be meeting with her in prision, so it will need to be something we can bring into there.

We plan to ask questions of her for her son to have some answers if she wishes to give them. What are some good questions? What would you want to know about your mom? Can/should we ask for a picture of her for his baby book? The state is requiring this to be a closed adoption, based on the abuse/neglect circumstances, so this may be our only chance to ask about her for our child's benefit. We want to give him every possible bit of info without making her feel bad or angry with us. Thanks for any help!

Answer 1

I think that it is great that you will be visiting with your child's nmother.  That is really thoughtful of you.

I do have some advise though.  If you share pictures with her be very careful.  You need to make sure that there is nothing in those pictures that will allow her or her family to find you.  I am only telling you this to warn you to protect yourself and your child.  If there is neglect and abuse involved and the mother is in prison then there could be some shady people involved with her and you do not want them to be able to track you down and cause problems later.  I think that you should only include pictures of the child and not of you or your family.  If you wish to maintain contact with her then I think that is great too but it needs to be on controlled terms.  If they track you down then you cannot control those terms and there could be problems.

Again I think that it is such a nice thing that you are doing by going to such great lengths to make her feel good about the adoption and to give your achild answers to the many questions that he/she will be sure to have.  I hope all goes well for you.

Answer 2

I would see no problem in showing a picture of the child and you all, it might bring some comfort to her to see the child happy with you all.

You might ask her about medical information and heritage, those are most important imo. I’d make a list of important questions you will have many to ask. Reality however is that generally visiting someone in the big house the typical have a set time period.  So I would list your questions from priority down so you get what is important, what you don’t get to you don’t get too.

Answer 3

I would give her pictures of the child only, not with you in them at this time. Try to bring a variety of pictures, like  him playing or even sleeping, or making a funny face or in his favorite superhero costume (or whatever cute funny thing he does) and not just posed "cheese" shots.

If she has a way to listen to CDs or tapes, a recording of the child talking, singing or whatever would be nice.

I think a picture of her would be great to have, and any message she wants him to know...maybe she could write him a note or letter?

Answer 4

Bring every thing you plan on giving her but you may not be able to give it to her. I have had visits with parents at jails some will not let the inmates recieve any thing  durring a visit only through the mail. If your nice they may let you or if the social worker says it's from her.  You should include many pictures of him and some of him with you guys and of his room, yard, pet, or favorite toy.

Answer 5

This is very sad that she lost her baby right at birth.  

I would ask for her address and phone number and invite letters from her to be sent via the social worker or lawyer if need be.  Your son will thus better understand the situation of his apprehension.

Your son WILL be asking, and believe me it is best that the information come from the source (her, via letter if need be) without any interpretation from anyone else.  

Also, a way for him to contact her when he is either 18 or feels mature enough to handle contact.  Closed adoption can cause a LOT of identity development issues for adolescents.

Answer 6

I think something that would be really nice is give her one of his baby blankets or outfits.  Something she can hold on too and maybe just maybe might help her get her life together when she looks at it.

Answer 7

Hi Tickled Blue,

I would definitely give her pictures of her child, probably without you guys in them.  I believe it is so hard for mothers to watch someone else raising their children.

As for questions my list might sound silly but they have been pretty important for my DD.

What is your favorite color?

Did you have a pet growing up?  What was it?  Name?

What is your favorite sport?

What is your favorite team?

What is your favorite flavor of ice cream?

Are you left handed or right?

What was your favorite subject is school?

What was your least favorite subject in school?

What did you want to be when you grew up?

Favorite toy as a kid?

Favorite meal?

Her height?

Shoe size?

Did she play sports in school?

Favorite song?

Also ask about the pregnancy.  I was told that DD hiccuped every night a midnight.

Ask what she wants her child to know about her?

What are her hopes and dreams for him?

Is there anything she wants you to tell him?

Of course ask about family history, illnesses and about biological father.  I wouldn't push bio-father.   DD's mother would shut down whenever asked about him.

Ask if you can take a photo.

I wish you the best of luck.  Just be yourself.  You'll do great.

Answer 8

The list is endless on what to ask about her and what she knows about the natural father.

Focus on their interests, their families, and medical information.

I would most definitely try to get a picture of both of them.

Answer 9

Just wanted to add to Freckle Face's list:

What is she GOOD at?

What does she LIKE TO DO?

Who does the child look like?  (it may be too soon to tell)

These are some of things that my daughter wanted to know of her birthmother.

Answer 10

Perhaps a heartfelt letter that she can later read (be aware that guards will read it, it can't be sealed, ask social worker for the rescrictions.   You might give her some comfort, saying something like your child likes his room, decorated like...  and he likes..., etc.  Just something for her to hold on, and know that he will be loved.

Answer 11

Info!!!!!

GET AS MUCH AS YOU CAN!!

The state might consider it closed, on the books, but you cn still get her whole name and family ties.

And if you think this will be the only time you get to see her, then who care if you make her mad, get what you can, for your kid, even if you have to p**s her off to get it.