Adoption vs IVF? My husband wants IVF & I want to adopt?

Question

My dh and I recently found out that the only way we can have a baby is though IVF and the successrate is only 45%. Well, our insurance does not cover IVF, so this would be at least 14K out of pocket. Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking and I want to be a mother more than I want to actually "have" a baby. There are a lot of children that need homes and I am open to adoption. However, my husband is into "carrying on the family name." What do you think and how do we meet in the middle? Keep in mind, IVF will put my body through a lot (injections multiple times a day, surgery to remove the eggs and implant them, the possibility of multibles, or failed pregnancy all togehter). I am really torn. Thanks

Answer 1

When it comes down to it, IVF is h**l on your body.  If you're not 100% committed to it, you're going to hate every single minute.  I know that you need to make decisions as a couple and you can't really just say "it's my body, so NO WAY" but surely your husband doesn't really want to put you through that.

Adoption is such a great process and a gift to a child who would otherwise end up ina  terrible situation.

I guess you know where I stand.

Answer 2

Tough situation.  You may be out 14K for the initial process, but may end up with a dozen viable embryos.  If you implant two at a time and freeze the rest, if the first two don't take you can implant the frozen ones two at a time for a much lower cost (likely 2-3K) because you've already gone through the harvest.  So essentially, one shot may be 14K, but five shots may "only" run 20K.  This could increase your success rate.

With low count and morphology, you can do ICSI which will cost a little more but guarantee the sperm actually penetrates the egg and may be worth the cost.  There may be additional issues, however.  Embryo development (from DNA fragmentation) may come into play even if you do ICSI.  With a one-time shot, you may want to consider sperm DNA fragmentation analysis wich is different from morphology & count and only costs a few hundred dollars.  New studies have shown antioxidant treatment can be highly effective if DNA fragmentation is present.  Obviously smoking and marijuana would want to be avoided at all costs with low count, morphology and DNA fragmentation.  It may be as simple as a lifestyle change and antioxidant treatment to greatly increase your success rate.    

Don't know what your work situation is.  If you are committed to having a stay at home parent, then maybe have the person who is likely to stay home leave their current job now for a company that offers fertility insurance.  Your fertility clinic may be able to help you identify which employers in your area have that type of coverage.  You'd be surprised on who offers fertility coverage; it is required by law to be carried in several states, so several "national" companies just offer it to all their employees, not just their employees in those states.  14K after taxes is essentially 20K in "income".  If one of you is making 50K at one job, you could switch to a company that covers fertility, take a salary of 35K and essentially still come out ahead.  Then you quit once you're successful.  It's the unfortunate part of "employer based" health care, but it's the only system in place right now.  We recently made a job switch for exactly this reason...and went from no coverage to 30K in coverage.  It also seems that companies that offer fertility assistance also offer adoption assistance, so you may come out ahead either way.  Also, utilize HSA's.  It's only 5K, but at least it's something.

The injections are actually not as bad as they sound.  Either is the harvest,  although it isn't comfortable.  You can reduce the possibility of multiples by only implanting two at a time (or one if you really don't want twins).  A good resource is the CDC's website, which requires fertility clinics to publish their success rates.  We recently changed doctors because of a drastic difference in success rates between clinics.

At the end of the day, if there's no switching of jobs and you only have "one shot" with your 14K, and "no kids" is unacceptble to both of you, then your husband will need to accept adoption because both procedures will essentially cost the same.  American and foreign adoptions carry their own set of risks that I'm sure you will research, and they may or may not outweigh the risk associated with IVF costs and success rates.  Good luck.

Answer 3

Talk to a marriage counselor.

Until you and your husband are on the same page, I would wait on children.

IVF and adoption are both very emotional decisions that should not be entered into lightly.

IVF may be very demanding you physically but adoption is very demanding on you emotionally.  You should know what you are getting into for either option.  It appears that you have researched IVF, do the same for adoption.

I wish you the best of luck in your decision.

Answer 4

there is no "middle ground". IVF and adoption are two very different things. if your husband is against adopting a child and you feel that he would not treat the adopted child the same as he would've treated a bio-child then you should not adopt at least not until he wants to and he's ready to be a father to a adopted child. otherwise it would not be fair to the child. IVF is very hard on a women's body, if you don't want to go through all that then tell your husband. he should understand and respect your wishes. good luck for whatever you decide to do.

Answer 5

Hello, my husband and I were in the same boat as you were. We can go through IVF and pay 10,000 or adopt. We were going to go through this but then the time came that God gave us our daughter. My husband really wasnt sure but the day that She was born that was his daughter. She was born premautre and he knew that this was his daughter. Go and get information on adoption and allow him to read it. Adoption doesnt mean this isnt your child. Give him time, Good Luck. Amie

Answer 6

It took me and my husband 3 rounds of IUI and chlomid to conceive!

I wouldn't have had it any other way!

I could not adopt a child knowing that I could give birth to my own, I understand how your husband feels! You can not deprive him of having his own child, give it a try or go your seperate ways!

Answer 7

This is a tough call. Perhaps you could agree to try 1 or 2 rounds of IVF and if it doesn’t work then you can start contacting some adoption agencies. Assuming that your IVF treatments have not drained your funds so badly that you can’t afford an adoption.  A very sticky situation I have heard of couples doing IVF and other things for years. And I think to myself wow in the 5+ years they’ve been doing IVF or whatever; they could have adopted a child by now, heck perhaps even two children.  

I know couples generally discuss children prior to the marriage, or at least should.  It seems they should also discuss what they would do if they have some fertility issues.

You could always become foster parents too. I know it wouldn't be the same technically but you’d be able to be parents to a child or several children, even if its a short period of time. Who knows you might even end up adopting one. Adoption through the foster care system is much cheaper and you can end up with infants and very young children.

An adopted child can carry on the family name.

Answer 8

This is difficult.  My husband and I went through the same thing.  Then one day I met this awsome little boy who was in foster care.  I fell in love instantly and wanted so badly to adopt him and his brothers.  I knew that they were going to be adopted by someone and I had hoped it would be us.  Well, I started talking to my husband about it and eventually he decided that adoption is something he would like to do.  The little boy was adopted by another family and is doing well.  We have become foster parents and may now have the chance to adopt.  

This is something the two of you need to agree on.  It took years of talking and praying about it for my husband to come around to the adoption idea, but now he couldn't be more excited.  If you can't agree on it though, it shouldn't be done.  Also, I don't know if this helps you or not, but there are invitro clinics that have a "garauntee" program.  You have so many cycles to try to concieve and if you don't, they return the fee so that you can pursue other options, such as adoption.  This is just one sight to check out.  http://www.shadygrovefertility.com/

Good luck.  I hope you and your husband can get on the same page!

Answer 9

Explain to your husband your concerns about IVF and talk to him about why he doesn't want to adopt.  I was adopted at 13 and think that their is no greater gift in this world that two people can give a child.  

Also if you adopt a baby you will find that it turns out a lot like you when it grows up.

Answer 10

This is how I see it.

You want to be a mother.  Your husband wants a child that is genetically his.  

I understand that IVF may be hard on your body and hard emotionally, but honestly, if it were me I would try it.  For my husband.  Because if it works, in the end you both have what you want.  

But maybe before hand, make some kind of deal.  Like ...I will try it once and if it doesn't work then we should adopt.

Answer 11

We went through the same issues....  I've been through 6 cycles;  4 harvests with IVF/ICSI and 2 frozen transfers.  The stress is unbelievable - Of the 6,  1 did not take at all (first one) - 1 did and he celebrated his 10th birthday yesterday!!!, and 4 were very painful miscarriages.   After that I had to make the choice of letting 3 embryos go - I just couldn't do it anymore, emotionally, physically, or financially... and the stress on the family was too much to bear.  Last December we brought a 3 and a half year old little girl home from China  (a 2 year wait).  The best option you can give yourself is to be openly researching both at the same time.   Give yourself a limit on the number of cycles.   They are tough emotionally and physically.   Adoption is no joy ride either -  although adopting a toddler has it's own issues that would not be as aparent in a newborn or infant.   We have our own unique issues with the adoption that I did not see coming!   I am obviously thrilled to have a natural child but wish that I would not have gone through 2 additional full cycles.  I really wish I would have just started the paperwork to adopt.

by the way ....  our % chance for success at the time was less than 5% because of my husbands issues...  45% is pretty darn good.   :-)

Answer 12

I think you need to express these feelings to your husband and make him see how horrible IVF would make you feel. If he loves you as much as you say, then he will realize that this is not the path to follow. Adoption is really wonderful and having a child to love and spoil is really the objective.

I have never had that feeling of wanting to give birth to a child and I can. I have always wanted to adopt and I am so glad that we did. Our daughter is wonderful and we are amazed and greatful for her every day. Good luck.

Answer 13

if you all are not on the same page, your marriage will definitely suffer.  i would suggest marriage counseling to sort out your feelings and to better understand his reluctance to adopt.

best of luck.

Answer 14

My husband and I have been through the same thing and were told the next step would be IVF. I was just like you, too much of a risk to spend that much money on IVF and I would much rather adopt and know that eventaully I will bring a baby home. I was also very worried about the hormones, etc involved with the IVF b/c I had already done so much. We both had fertility issues as well.

I can say that my husband and I both had different tolerance levels and we both didn't decide on adoption at the same time but we both DID decide on adoption. Take the time to explore both sides and read about adoption and IVF. For us, once we really educated oursleves on the adoption process we eagerly switched gears and began a new journey.

It's such a personal journey-infertility. You have to come to terms when you are ready to come to terms -know what I mean? The one encouraging thing I can tell you is once we reached a decision to not pursue IVF and adopt- we both felt a peace and knew it was God's plan for us.

Good luck & God Bless

Answer 15

I'd use the $ for IVF, and hopefully it will work.

Adoption is NOT something to talk someone into.  Either you're the adopting type or not.  Your husband's reluctance is common, and perfectly normal.

But it is so NOT right to adopt a child who has already been separated from his/her family to serve a a consolation prize to your infertility.

Adopted kids are really special needs kids.  They suffer profound losses, and are truly emotionally different from biological kids born into their own families.

And all the APs will jump up and say their kid/relationship/family is 'different'.  But these are the parents of small children & babies who don't know the difference yet.  It usually unravels in the teen years.  But we never hear from those parents, do we?

Not everyone is meant to have children.

Answer 16

I've tried fertility drugs, ovulation kits, IVF with ICSI, did a private adoption, and am waiting on finalization of a foster to adopt child to be finalized.  My hubby and I had to know we tried physically, everything possible, just for piece of mind.  Then we did do a pirvate adoption (beautiful 3 month old), it was not as long a process as they told us it would be, but cost $20, 000. seven years ago.

Now that we have spent a year as foster parents in cuncurrent care to adopt we are anxiously awaiting finalization on our second baby.

To do it all over again, I'd opt to not put my body through all of the drugs and IVF, not to mention the severe depression that resulted when those failed. Years of trying, we are not the same physically, nor emotionally, but I think we are a closer couple just for having survived all of it.  Whatever you decide, find a good support system.  Friends and family are not always the best support.

Answer 17

What is he doing to work on his "condition"?  We must keep in mind that if it's both parties then you BOTH must work on making this the best possible situation.  

You have to consider the following:

*Do you know what your body will go through as a result of IVF?

* What is your husband doing to improve his situation?

* What is your current financial situation looking like?  Can you afford this procedure?

* What will happen if you choose not to go through with this procedure?  Are there other options?

*Did you sit down prior to this situation to go through the details of starting a family and alternatives (adoptions) in case a situation similar to this came up?

*ARE YOU GOING THROUGH THIS FOR HIM OR YOU?

Here are some links  regarding IVF but please keep in mind that if you have never sat down and though about adoption, then that could still be an option or have another family member carry the baby for you.  The decision is ultimately YOURS!!

Answer 18

My sister in law tried the in vitro twice and it didn't work.  They ended up getting a baby from Russia.  Both procedures were very expensive.  I don't know that an adoption agency would approve you if your husband is not 100% sure.  I'm sorry I don't have a better answer.  Good luck.

Answer 19

I've been in your shoes. It's a very tough decision because there's a chance of more heart ache with either decision you make.

Just to share with you....my husband and I went the route of fostering to adopt. I knew adoption was a long process, and I wanted the pitter patter of little feet in our home ASAP. We decided we had the room in our hearts & our home for children even if it were only until they were reunited with their familys. Well.....quite the opposite happened to us!! We got a call for a 5 day old baby, and ended up getting to adopt him. It was the best decision we've ever made!! We have had 2 other children in our home that didn't stay, but I'm happy that we got to love them while they were with us.  

To awnser your question....you cannot do anything until you & your husband are on the same page. If you have the funds to do a few rounds of IVF & if it's unsuccesful.....still have the funds to adopt as backup, that's what I would suggest doing. If not - IVF can leave your body & bank account drained! Adoption makes since to me, why bring another person into the world when there are so many children who need a loving forever family? I wish you the best in one of the toughest decisions you will ever have to make. Best wishes!

Answer 20

My heart goes out to you as you face an extremely difficult decision.  You must realize up front that adoption is also quite expensive and there is no guarantee that you will have a child placed with you either.  Many agencies require $10,000 up front just for your application fee, paperwork and home visits before you can even be considered as potential adoptive parents by birth mothers planning to place their babies for adoption.

IVF will put you through a lot, but SO WILL ADOPTION (emotionally, etc.).  With IVF, once your child is born you raise them just as everyone else does.  With adoption, there are all the issues of how to tell them they're adopted and when, giving the child info about their birth family and possibly arranging a meeting with them so your child can meet them, etc.  Everything you go through with IVF is on more of a temporary basis and the effects of adoption are something you will deal with forever.  

Before you decide you really want to adopt, make sure you educate yourself on the effects of adoption on the adoptive family, the birth family and the adoptee.  Adoption is NOT a cure for infertility!!  It is a lot more complicated than that.  Make sure if you choose that route that you do it for the right reasons and in the right way.  Don't make a decision in ignorance based on your feelings regarding your/your husband's infertility.

Adoption is a wonderful thing if done in the right way for the right reasons, but be aware the waiting period can be long and difficult and then there's always the possibility that an adoption plan will fall through due to a birth mother changing her mind once the baby is born,etc.  Trust ;me, I've been there!

Answer 21

get adivorce an adopt or stay married and keep trying ; a guy doesn't want someone elses kid,will never truly accept it and it will destroy your marriage ...... there is no "middle ground" when someone wants their own children and can not ..... and both people in a marriage should agree totally on a child or not have one .... you could try being house parents at a childrens home like Pinehaven Christian Childrens Home in St Ignatius MT ...... there are a bunch of little psycho abandoned children getting their minds twisted by religious nuts up there ......... this would give you an idea of what adoption would be like but you couldd still walk away once you find out how much having kids really sucks