Adoption without revealing to anyone.?

Question

Myself and my husband want to adopt baby without revealing to anyone (even to our parents). We are from India. Our problem in India is, it is a place of emotional bonds and ties. We do not want our adopted child to be afftected in anyway - means isolated, treated indifferently by relatives and society.

So we have a idea to convey our relatives that i am pregnant and will adopt a child and say it is our's. Just wanted to know if it is practically possible to get a baby at the exact time (delivery date etc) in india? Once we get through the period of pregnancy we will manage to keep the screcy thro' our life.

We are very anxious and in need of child. Please.advise if this is advisable to go by this way..kindly advise..Share your opinion on this

Answer 1

You are adopting for all the wrong reasons.

Answer 2

Before you guys jump all over this lady, read the linked article!  

That said, unless you can execute perfect timing (i.e. getting a baby exactly 7 months after you tell your inlaws that you are 2 months pregnant), this seems like an impossible task.  

What I would hope that you would do is to be one of the forward-thinking parents who would help Indians learn to think differently about adoption.  As your country gets richer, more people are going to want to think about adoption.  You don't need to advertise to everyone you child encounters that he or she is adopted.  

Can you approach the subject with your family?  What would you think if . . .?  

We adopted a child of another race.  My husband's family is from the deep South and very prejudice toward dark skin.  Our daughter charmed her Southern grandpa right from the beginning and all issues were forgotten.  A baby has a way of making all family members forget; the rest of the world doesn't need to know.

Answer 3

One lie will only lead to others.  My birth-parents told everyone that I had died at birth to cover up the fact that they had relinquished me for adoption.  That lie worked great until I searched for and found them 42 years later!  Think carefully about what you are planning to do, how it could "go wrong", and how lies could hurt lots of other people.

Answer 4

If you want to keep from your family where you got your baby from - then you must be saying that you also will keep that secret from the child.

I have too many adoptee friends who had adoptive parents who made them pretend that they were the biological children of the parents. THIS IS BAD NEWS.

I also have too many adoptee friends who have found out that they were adopted later in life - and this has been heartbreaking for them.

If you keep the child's own truth from the child - then you do not honor the child and where the child came from.

This will ultimately cause great embarrassment and shame for the child when the child eventually finds out about all the secrets and lies.

Not to mention how the rest of your family will treat the child if they ever find out. How could you put your child through that shame when you yourself feel shame about the entire situation??

Adoption SHOULD always be about the best interests of the child.

Sadly - it is often not.

Answer 5

it would be very hard to go through an adoption agency,without them figuring out your plan. you sound like you are thinking only of yourselves in this situation. you are not thinking of the childs needs at all,just what you want. i can understand you live in a different culture,but adoption is about the child,NOT the parents!. i am adopted myself,and everything was out in the open. despite your circumstances your plans are very selfish,and you will have to live the rest of your lives shielding this awful secret. please be open and honest with everyone.can you imagine how they would feel if they found out you had lied?.you will be opening a can of worms- and to be honest you are not ideal for adoption,as adoptive parents just can't behave like that,it is wrong!

Answer 6

I think anyone who is educated at all about adoption would strongly advise you not to do this. I understand the possible impact on your family, and on your child but, lying about it is absolutely not the answer. First of all, the way the world is today (research, medical, genetics) the chances of your child needing to know or being able to know his heredity is very high. I think there would be no way to hide the fact that your child is adopted. I just re-read your question, and I'm not sure if you are planning to hide the adoption story from your child or just from the rest of your family in India. My perspective is based on hiding the information from the child. Clearly I do not think it is a good idea at all to deceive your family about your child bu that is not the same thing as keeping the information from the child. Either way I think you are asking for trouble. Please talk with people who know about adoption in India. Please educate yourself about what it means to be adopted. Please don't lie to your child about something that is so important and so vital a right of your child to understand.

Answer 7

Do you watch soap operas?  Where on Earth did you come up with this plan?

India is a place of 'emotional bonds and ties'?  So you enjoy these bonds, but want to withhold them from your future adopted child?

You are either too selfish or emotionally unstable to be anyone's mother.

Do not, in the name of God, try a scam like this--it's amoral.

Please, get some counseling.

Answer 8

Why do you think your need for a child outweighs the need for the child to know the truth?  If you have to lie, remain childless.   You are FROM India, you no longer live there.

Answer 9

i think that's a bad idea, and i also think the child will be very upset when he/she finds out that you were lying the whole time

Answer 10

I live in India, so I at least sort of understand your situation.  I think it would be hard, but it would also be possible.  Maybe you could go somewhere else to have the baby... ie - if you live in Bangalore, you could say you want to go to Delhi (b/c the hospitals are good) and adopt from that area, then you could leave a month or two before and stay there until the baby is available... then it wouldn't have to be as exact...

I personally wouldn't feel good about lying to people, but I understand your situation.  I wish you the best!

Answer 11

Mission impossible!

Answer 12

I think it is possible and has probably been done before. Before you do anything, find an agency that you can use. Get an idea from them of the timeline and how long each item will take. The recent surge in passports caused a big slowdown in that office and it took longer to get passports. There is a lot of red-tape and jumping through hoops involved in adoption. It may be easier in India. I don't know. Check with an agency first. Then figure out how you are going to fake morning sickness and swolen ankles.

Answer 13

While I don't think it is a good idea not to tell your child, there is another way in India I have read about.  Disclaimer:  I have no personal experience with this, just read about it in an article.  Apparently there are some women in India who will be a surrogate for a ridiculously small amount of money - I think in the range of $5K USD.  It was in Macleans magazine, a Canadian magazine a few months ago.  I believe they would use your eggs.  At least this way you would know approximately when the birth will occur.  

If it were me, I would push open the prejudices about adoption and explain to friends and family the baby was of our heart, not blood.  And be open with the child.  If no one in India challenges the stigma, it will always be there.

Answer 14

This is a very very bad idea Jone.  Secrets have a way of one day coming out.  What if your adopted child has some sort of health issues later on in life? Your family medical history is no use to thus child, yet you would have to pretend that it did, this would be a waste of time.   Not to mention what this would do to the child whenever they find out this ‘dirty’ secret. Maybe you will get away with this for years possible even decades, but in the end it will likely come out. I can only imagine what that would do to that child, his or her trust in you will be destroyed they will wonder what else you lied to them about.

Only  a few months ago I read of a man who found out after 45 years he was adopted, his mother had passed away and while going through her house he found his adoption papers. Obviously it threw him for a loop he was hurt , sad and devastated by this lie. Since both his parents were now deceased he had really no one to vent to.  It seems many adoptees who have problems its because they were told about being adopted later in life either late child hood/teenhood even adulthood. Some having stumbled across it themselves.

How do you plan to pretend your pregnant surely people might want to feel the baby kick or see a sonogram, some family may even want to come to the birth, or at least see photos. I doubt a hospital would allow you to stage a birth.   I don’t think you could arrange to get a new born baby on your ‘due date’.

Answer 15

nobody can ever keep this sort of secret for life,that is stupid,and you wont be able to all of a sudden produce a baby to order,when you are found out everyone will hate you for lying to them

Answer 16

How do you plan to explain it when the child finds out that he/she is adopted (it will happen)?

Are you sure that there would be all of the issues that you are afraid of?  I am not from India, so I don't know.

Answer 17

Adoption has a waiting period, it depends on the couples' situation and if they have a child "available" for the couple, and other things you need to considered, it can be a lengthy process.

I think its a bad idea that you're trying keep your family from knowing. I mean that it shouldn't matter to your parents, family, or society whether you and your husband are the biological parents or not as long as you and your husband are fine with it.

I understand that the culture differences vary from place to place but bring up a child in a loving and caring home should only matter here. Will you love an adopted child any less if one day you might have a natural child of your own?

  This is silly, why do you really care what your parents and family should think? After all you will be the parents not them.

  Supposed, that your plan worked, you told every one you were "pregnant" and happened to have a baby available to you around the due date and lets say many years from now, your child being naturally curious, starts looking around the house for things to play with  and sees the adoption papers, how would you explain that? It could be very devestating to the child and he/she might recent you for lying.

  Or supposed,  your mother being a excited grand mother wanted to go with you to the doctor's visits, think about all the many different possibilities  that the child, your parents, and family can find out about  the truth. The truth will always come out no matter what, it may be sooner or later but it will come out. Really think things through with your husband.

There shouldn't be any shame in adopting a child. A child in need of loving parents and a couple who are anxiously wanting to be parents.  Good luck to you both.

Answer 18

I am speaking from personal experience since I am an adopted child. I feel that  EVERY child has the right to know where they came from. SHAME  ON  YOU  for even considering such a deceitful lie!!! We here in the USA also have "emotional bonds and ties" with our children. You need to either remain childless or move to where there are open-minded, kind hearted, loving people and away from your family!!!!

Answer 19

You gonna wear a fake belly and keep people from touching it? What's wrong with adopting? What happens if your child needs to know birth family medical info when s/he gets older?

Answer 20

Please don't do this to your future child, yourself and your family. You would always regret it.

We have one biological child but decided to adopt our second (our families are in Germany and we are now Canadians). My family wasn't happy at all about our decision, I was supposed to have another biological child, since I could. The distance, I have to admit helped, but we went ahead with it anyway and I was prepared to let go of my family if they in any way wouldn't accept my second daughter.

But as things go, they love her to pieces and they DO NOT make a difference between the two.

Lying is never good, especially to your child. What kind of example would you set to him/her if it finds out? All the trust and love you have built up to this point would be gone. You have no right to lie to your child just to make it supposedly easier on the child and you. Adoption is just another way of creating families and people will have to start to accept it and embrace it. The stigma has to be taken out of it.

Answer 21

I don't know how it is in India, but here in the U.S., our families are also about "emotional bonds and ties." My brother, sister, and I were all adopted and not one of us has ever been treated differently. If your family and community care about you, they should be happy. If they're not, do you want them around your child? If there are children up for adoption in India, then people should know that someone might adopt them.

By all means, NO, NO, NO! Do not lie about the adoption, especially to the child. We always knew we were adopted, but if we didn't, we knew we all looked different, acted different, etc. Children aren't dumb. And heaven forbid, what if the child ever needed a transplant or something and nobody matched!?

Women also love to share and talk about their pregnancies and labor. You won't have a clue and will be lying to everyone, forever. Don't do it! Back away from the lie! Nothing good comes out of lying.