Adoptive Moms - do you ever feel guilty?

Question

Do you ever feel guilty when your child gets seriously ill or hurt? Like maybe the bio family will blame you for something?

We just learned that our son may have a major health issue and I'm overwhelmed with parental fear. But I also worried about telling our son's bio family about it because I was afraid they would "blame" me for not finding out about the problem sooner or like it was my fault that he had this possible condition. I know in my heart that they don't blame me, but it's just this nagging feeling. I was wondering if anyone else experiences things like that.

Answer 1

Im a biological parent in a closed adoption case my son is almost 3 he turns 3 in may he has been really ill since he was 1 month old. we went through ear infections tonsils out adnoids out and many sets of ear tubes, lots of viruses as well.  Just recently His now adoptive mother called me as the doctors discovered my son had a heart valve on the wrong side of his heart and this was part of the reason he has been so sick. well i was very appreciative that she called me because it was good to know and this way if the doctors need me or his siblings to give blood or something else she doesnt have to call me and tell me way after the fact of finding out. from my stand put i think it is a good idea to inform them. they may be concerned i can relate as i asked to be able to be at the hospital during surgery and was not able due to the factor it would be to much stress on my son. but atleast tell them maybe something runs in there family or they might be able to help. they are definantly though not going to blame you. i would worry if you didnt tell them then they might think something. hope this helped.

Answer 2

I have not delt with a serious medical problem for my son, but I suppose that is a feelling that I could have.  I always think about his birthmom when he hits milestones, etc.

Answer 3

A mom is someone who cares and love a child

someone who gives birth to you and leaves you is not your mother

I'm not adopted, I'm sure but if I found out I was I'd be even more grateful for strangers taking me in and loving me like I was their own child. I think you're a great person! One day I'm going to adopt 3 kids at least. Angelina Jolie is my hero!

Answer 4

Well you are doing the best you can.. I am sure you will get through this.  If they could have done a better job they would have kept him, so they gave him up to you because they knew he would be better off, remember that.  You can only do so much as a parent and kids get sick, it sucks but it happens. It tears our heart out, but we become resilient and move on.  How close are you with the Biological parents?  If you are pretty close talk to them about your fears, they will be able to help you.  If not to close then maybe seek a support group for adoptive families..I have included a link that has a tremendous amount of info and some support groups.. Good luck!

I reported the first idiot..  I hate reporting people but some are just asking for it..  So ignore her...

Answer 5

I know how you feel.  A child having a serious issue with their health is scary enough.  You wonder if there was anything you should have seen or done before.  When some has entrusted you with their precious baby to love and look after you realize that you have an awesome responsibility to your child as well as the biological family who gave them life and in many cases selected you to be their parent.  As others have said they are likely to realize that you are doing your best as a parent to take of your child.  If they do blame you you will just have to take comfort in knowing you are the best mom you know how to be which I assume you are.

Take care and I hope your son's health is better soon.

Answer 6

you could blame them for not wanting them!!!! so no!!! if i were an adoptive parent i would not!

Answer 7

I'm sorry about your son! It can't possibly be your fault & I'm sure no one is going to blame you for it. You're doing what your supposed to be doing & the doctor found it so there's not much else you could have done. I wish you tons of luck & hope everything turns out alright!

Answer 8

Oh my goodness, please don't waste any of your time on guilt.  Kids will get sick, adopted or not.  I do know what you mean, I felt horrible when my daughter had to go through surgeries in infancy, and when she developed eye problems, I wanted her birth mom to know asap.  But I didn't want them to blame me for it.  

I think what makes being an adoptive parent unique (and forget Danielle's ignorant comments), is that we feel an added stewardship not only to the child, but to their bio families.  When my daughter was handed to me by her birthmom, I felt a huge burden that I was expected to love and protect this baby from all harm, not only as her everyday mom, but for the woman that would not be there every day in body, but would in spirit.  So, I have always taken this a bit more to the extreme, and when my daughter struggles with normal kid stuff, illness, developmental delays, etc., I can go to the Guilty Place too.

Please stay away from the Guilty Place, it is a terrible waste of time, it isn't worth it and your son needs you not to be there.

I am so sorry that you have yet another challenge and hope and pray that it will all work out very soon.

Answer 9

how freaking rude can some people get DANIELLE! People often adopt because they CAN'T have kids, and they are giving a loving home to kids whose parents couldnt keep them. Have some sensitivity.

No, you shouldnt feel guilty. Everyone gets sick and you're doing all you can. Best of luck.

Answer 10

I'm an adoptive mom.  I hope you will search your own heart and realize that you have no reason to feel guilty.  Who knows what the b-parents will think?  I guess it depends on their attitude about the adoption to begin with.  If they agreed to place the child up for adoption and especially if they were able to have some input as to who would adopt, then they would feel good about your judgment as a mother.  If the adoption was forced on them, then they will likely not have a positive attitude about you under any circumstances.  I mean that's understandable.  I hope all goes well for you and your child.

Answer 11

I'm sorry your son is sick.  I don't think they will blame you.  It's not your fault that he is ill.  It doesn't sound like there was any way for you or anyone else to know up until this time anyway.  The most important thing is that your son is getting the medical treatment he needs.

Answer 12

BPD Wife,

You are doing the best you can do and from your answers, I know you love your son very much.  I'm sure the bio family knows that too.  We are all worried and fearful when our kids are sick. Kids get sick.  It's a fact of life.   It's not your fault that he is ill--how could it possibly be your fault?  Now you know what the (health) issue is so now just take care of your son.  All we can do is ALL we can do.  I think that's all the bio family expects us to do--our best.  We can't do anything more.  

I know it's easier said than done, but try to let go of the guilt.  It will only weaken you and you need your strength to take care of your son.

Answer 13

Oh yeah.  It was worse when he was little.. he had a BAD stretch of asthma that required frequent ER visits, and I felt like the worst parent in the world.

It gets easier as they get bigger, and your relationship with the family evens out.  If I remember correctly your son is still a preschooler, right?  And he started out with major health issues, so I imagine that that adds to the stress.

Answer 14

i'm not an ap, but whether or not we get along personally,

it's NOT your fault.....truly.  i can't imagine they would really blame you.  it's not your fault.

i really hope you feel better about this soon.  no one deserves to feel misplaced guilt.

Answer 15

You adopting a child with medical problems should leave you feeling no more guilty than my having a biological son with health problems.

It's no more your fault than it is mine. S**t happens.

All that matters is that your child receives the appropriate medical care for his condition.

Answer 16

Yes, I have.  To some degree all mom's feel the guilt thing but i feel its worse when it's your child who was adopted into your family.  

When my oldest daughter was an infant she had serious bouts with asthma.  She would be in intensive care for weeks, and i always dreaded calling her first mom.

Not close to the degree you are dealing with, but i can empathize with your feelings of fear, guilt, and blame.  I think they are pretty normal feelings but you and i both know its not true.  Now that i can look back its easier for me to see we are not to blame.  You are now caught up in the moment so let me say this.....  

From what i read, you are a wonderful mother.  You have nothing to feel guilty for.  You are not to blame.  You should not fear telling the first family there is not a sane person around who would blame you.

Best of luck to you and your son.

Answer 17

I take it you had an open adoption. Look no one wants a child to be ill but it happens = no one will blame you.

Answer 18

I do feel you here. When our son was screaming in pain for a month, I begged the doc to do something. They (well 1 evil doc) claimed that I just wanted the attention and the there was nothing wrong.

He saw 2 other docs and the 3rd discovered an inguinal hernia. THEN after the surgery to fix it, it turned out that there was only 1 hernia and the other was a tumor.

I just kept thinking that I should have done more and saved him all that pain.

FYI, logic and emotions are like polar opposites, at least in me :-)

Answer 19

Oh, I'm so sorry your son is perhaps facing another health issue. Since you say "may" I will hold out hope for you that it is not true.

BPD Wife, you know you are a great mother to your son. And if you are doubting yourself right now, then let me tell you that you are. And you know for sure that you have been very aware of his medical needs, and have even spent considerable energy educating others about children's medical needs. So I truly believe that if you did not know about this earlier, then no parent could have known. Is this not true? So of course you should have no reason at all to feel guilty.

But knowing that doesn't change how you feel, and I get that also. As adoptive parents we have an extra obligation to our child's first family. I started to say "we feel obligated" but I decided that I believe we really are obligated. I hadn't thought about this this way before, so I'm still a little tentative on this, but I do think we probably do. And certainly I have felt that obligation, that extra responsibility. And that can be a hard thing to feel; being a parent is an awesome responsibility, but being responsible to the first family makes it even moreso. So that is really hard, and I think I can understand how you feel.

So I won't tell you not to feel guilty, because I know that wouldn't work anyway. Guilt is very hard to overcome and does not usually respond to rational persuasion. And maybe we can't overcome it, but simply acknowledge it and then set it over to the side, as much out of the way as possible, while we do what we need to do. And maybe that is what putting this question up here and reading the answers will do for you -- let you put the guilt to the side. I hope so.

And truly I believe you have done all you possibly could have for your son.

Best of wishes to all of you,

Andrea

Answer 20

of course i do.  i've been entrusted to parent and care for this child by her mother.  so anything beyond a common cold i worry if i shouldn't have seen something sooner.

our daughter has been diagnosed with vision problems.  she's still a very young toddler, but even then i felt so bad that she had been having trouble seeing and i didn't even know.  i knew there was something wrong, but have asked myself shouldn't i have pushed the issue with her dr. or made a specialist appt. sooner.  

not that it would have made any difference in the treatment, but just knowing that maybe she could have been seeing better sooner just breaks my heart.  her other mother and i noticed the eye issue about the same time, so i did feel better about that, but i still felt horribly guilty because i had a feeling before that.  and am still kicking myself for not pushing the issue at one of her earlier checkups.  

i think this is normal for any parent.  you worry about your child and wish a complete long healthy life for them.  but as an adoptive parent i do seem to hold myself to a higher parenting standard than i think i would have otherwise.  you're a great mom and do a wonderful job.  i'm sure it's scary at first, but i'm sure you'll do what all mom's do.  go forward and do what's in the best interest of your child.