Adoptive Mother question for Adoptees?

Question

I am the adoptive mother of a 2yo boy from Ethiopia. I also have 2 bio kids, 5 and 7yo.

I would like ANY suggestions on how to help my son with the questions he has/will have. Be BRUTALLY honest.

Here is what we do now:

We have an open adoption and contact with my sons Ethiopian father and 4 siblings. His mother passed away.

We will visit every other year or every 3rd year as finances allow. In the meantime, we write frequently and send photos. We sponsor his 4 siblings (who are still with his father) so that they can attend school.

We have photos of my son with his father and us with his father hanging with all the other family photos. We also have a video message from him that our son watches whenever he wants.

I have kept a box with every single adoption related document I received, for my son whenever he is ready for it.

We have made friends with other Ethiopian adoptees and embraced his culture.

What else can I/should I be doing? What am I doing wrong?

Answer 1

I am an adopted child as well. It will be hard explaining things to him when he is older or has questions. It sounds like you are a good parent and are doing what is best for the child. When I was a child I didn't understand everything so when ever I was mad at my adoptive parents I wouldn't call them mom or dad, i would call them by their names. Don't feel bad if your kid does that, he is probably confused.

Answer 2

It sounds like you are doing a great job.  If/when your son starts asking questions be as honest and age appropriate as possible.

Answer 3

OK, you said be brutal...

First, I think it is GREAT that you are doing so much to keep your son in touch with his bio-family, his heritage, being open about his adoption, etc.  All this will pay off some day, if and when he wants it.  

BUT, I also think you need to be and act like his new permanent mom/dad.  You need to focus on the fact that he is now YOUR son.  I think you need to make it really clear in his young mind that you are his mom/dad, he is going to be with you forever, you love him because he is just so great a kid, etc.  I wonder if too much focus on the bio-family might confuse him or worry him that you might some day give him back.  I don't know; I am not an expert.

Answer 4

I am going to assume that there was no way to sponsor all 5 children so they could stay with their father.  Did the father relinquish this young boy to adoption?  It must be very difficult for him and his remaining children having his youngest live so far away and, no doubt, difficult for this young boy - especially since he has lost his mother.

Staying in contact will surely be comforting for him and his family.  I am a bit concerned about your calling him your son.  Have you considered an alternate appellation like 'Honorary Son'?  As long as you are in contact with his family he will know who he is, and will also know he is not really your son.  But he still deserves a place of honor in your family.

I am also hoping that you are choosing to live in a multicultural neighborhood.  I do not know what your ethnicity is but, if it is different from this young boy's, he should not be isolated growing up.  That would be a terrible disservice to him.

If you are white, I recommend you check out the following blog:  http://birthproject.wordpress.com/  and click on the links to "Black/African TRA Resources."

Love your 'tude!

Answer 5

this is great. just make sure hes aware hes adopted and you love him and are at his sideand just when hes ready you can show him stuff it will be great for him and you are oding the right thing. he will love you in return for this generous offer of life you are giving him.

Answer 6

You are a kind and loving mother to a boy who has a lot of baggage.

I wish there were more APs like you and your husband.

Thank you for being there for him, I'm sure you'll be there to validate his feelings in the future.

Thank you.

Answer 7

I agree wholeheartedly with the first two posters. You are doing a *fantastic* job! I also have to comment that I appreciate that you didn't share your son's entire story with us. I say that same thing frequently when it comes to my son (who was adopted) -- "it's his story, not mine." If he wants to tell people the details when he is old enough, then he can. My son was also 2 when I adopted him but he has no memories of his birth mother or the foster parents who lovingly cared for him for 2 years. He does ask questions occasionally but he always seems satisfied by the answers I give him and I bring up certain things about his birth mother (that she loves cats, for example) when situations present themselves. It's all done very naturally so that's it's not surprising to him when things about his life before me are mentioned.

Keep doing what you're doing. You sound like an outstanding parent!

Answer 8

Sounds like you are doing everything you can.  I admire you for keeping in touch with his natural father.  Most adoptive parents would not be that confident in themselves.  I would just wait and see what your son wants and what kind of questions he asks.  Be honest with him.  Don't call attention to the fact that he is not biologically yours or treat him any different.  Since he is only 2, does he really understand who his biological family is?  That is going to be the sticky point.  Just go with whatever he is saying or asking.  He might know who these other people are but I doubt he understands exactly why they are important.  I would not delve too deeply into this until he is older.  Maybe just leave it that his natural family could not take care of him like they wanted so they gave him to some people that could love him and take care of him.  I am adopted.  I wish my adoptive parents could have been even half as understanding with me and you are with your son.  He is very lucky.  Keep up the good work.

Answer 9

It sounds to me that you are being very conscientious and doing a lot of very caring things.

Adoption is hard, but it is made easier by empathetic caring adoptive moms, thank you for being one!