Adoptive Parents: Any Bonding Tips?

Question

Adoptive parents, do you have any bonding tips/hints that worked well for you with you children?

Answer 1

All of those who gave constructive answers had excellent ideas and suggestions.  

Ignore the broad-brush anti-adoption crowd.  

Just remember that attachment is a process, not an event.  There isn't a big, defining "Aha!" moment where now you are bonded, but before you weren't.  There will be little bumps along the way, or sometimes big bumps, but keep moving forward.  

My best advice, along with what else was offered, is to take your cues from your child(ren).  Read their body language and respond from there.

Good luck!

Answer 2

adoptive or birth parents, doesn't matter if the child is still young (say 0-2yr), they all have to do the same: give attention, support, TLC, patience etc. The kid won't know the difference between or forget his "past" soon. just do normal things that you would if he were you're birh child.

If the kids  are older, than the relathionship/bond has to be worked out at both ends (parents and child).

but I do not think there are bonding tips, different for adoptive or birth parents. all parties have to work together. I mean there are birth parents out there not made (yet) to be parents, or don't bond with their natural kids, right?

Answer 3

You can't go wrong with attachment parenting techniques!

Attachment is a 2 way process. When things are working normally, it is instinctive between a mother and her newborn, simply continuing the bond they had before birth. In adoption it isn't that way, even with a newborn, because there was no bond before the birth. So it takes more concentrated effort at first. And if the child is older, from foster care, from an orphanage, etc., then they may have learned that there often is not someone there to meet their needs. So the may have developed self-soothing techniques to compensate. So it will be harder for this child to attach, as they need to learn it is okay to be dependent, and that their needs WILL be met and that someone will be there for them.

So you need to really be there for them, to meet their needs, especially for food and comfort, right away if at all possible. Adopted children should not be left to "cry it out" and should not be Ferberized, because that teaches them to depend on themselves for comfort, and they need to depend on you.

Also don't play "pass the baby" with all of your relatives and friends. For the first few weeks or months it should be mostly just the mother and father (in some situations mostly just the mother). The parents should be the only ones feeding the child, for example. This is because this primary attachment needs to be securely formed between the child and the parents, for the sake of healthy emotional development. Not that others can't play with and interact with the baby--they can, but basic needs need to be met by the parents.

I think one of the most important aspect of attachment parenting for adoptive parents of babies or toddlers is babywearing. If you are adopting a baby or toddler, I would suggest wearing the child as much as you possibly can. from my experience, close physical contact is the most important thing to promote a solid attachment. I wore my daughter (adopted at 14 months) almost full time for the first few months, and that really helped her to trust me and attach to me. And it helped me to attach to her also.

I would get a simple sling for a newborn, or one like an Ergo or the Hip Baby from WalkingRockFarms (we LOVED ours) for a child from 6 months or so on up. I wouldn't use Baby Bjorn or other outward facing carriers, because it is good for the baby/child to be facing in towards you and snuggled against you for body contact and eye contact.

If you have a good carrier made for older kids (an Ergo, or a more traditional Asian Baby Carrier like a Mei Tai (we love our Sachi Mei Tai!)) you can still "wear" even an older child some of the time. Maybe regularly half an hour once or twice a day? Maybe as needed when he/she seems to be especially anxious, maybe after you've been apart, maybe transition to nap or bedtime--there can be lots of times it might help.

Co-sleeping can work really well to promote attachment. I don't know if you know how old the child will be, but depending on age, previous history and family situations that can mean a family bed, or a co-sleeper attached to the bed, or a crib with only 3 sides pushed up against the bed. There can be modifications also, for instance in our family our daughter (will be 4 in February) sleeps in her own bed in the same room with us. Sleeping together can really help to reassure kids at night, and that helps them feel secure and learn to trust you as their parent.

Yet another aspect of attachment parenting is Positive Discipline. A couple of books I like on that subject are: >Becoming the Parent You Want to Be<, by Laura Davis and Janis Keyser; and >Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline< by Becky A. Bailey. She has another book I really like called >I Love You Rituals< which has a lot of wonderful rhymes and fingerplays and games that are great for developing a loving relationship with your child.

Here is a nice article on attachment parenting and developmental stages that deals with adoptive families. I especially like it because, though it is brief, at each stage of development it mentions Normal Life Issues, Adoptee Issues, and Positive Parenting Responses.

http://adoption.families.com/blog/attach...

Oh, and for what it is worth, here is my "meta-theory" of parenting: Read a lot of different books, Ask advice from many different sources, think about the different advice and pick out the pieces you like best and discuss them with your partner (if any) so you can be more or less on the same page -- AND THEN -- be prepared to throw any and all of it out and start over when confronted with the actual child and the actual situation! In other words, it is great to ask for advice from other parents and from experts, but in the ultimate picture your child is unique and you have to experiment to find what works best for her/him -- and then be prepared to change again when they change.

Answer 4

Bond the same way you do with anyone or any child -- time, investment, patience, commitment and dedication.

Answer 5

As an adoptive mother of five children (now adults) I would like to "tip" you the following>

I never saw my children as "my adopted children" they were always "my children".

When introducing my six children (one pregnancy) I always said "These are my children" - not "These are my adopted children and this is my "own". which is what I heard sometimes from other adoptive parents. I used to get this knot in my stomach when I heard that, because it separated them and children do not want to feel separated.

Love them with all your heart, as I did, and you will see them blossom and grow.  My adult children, all six of them, are well adjusted, happy, successful (in their own way) with the memories of a happy childhood.  

We now have 7 grandchildren, who are close to our hearts.

MY children have been the best thing that has ever happened to me.

p.s.  Tell them as soon as they are able to understand, that they are adopted.  Do not hide it, be proud of it and they will be proud of themselves. Also, if they ask, tell them about their background.  One of my black sons has chosen to investigate his ethnic background and the other one choice not to.  To each his own.  Give them the freedom to do what they choose.

TO CRUISE DIRECTOR.  What a very sad attitude to have.

We only adopted because the babies were given up for adoption.  You have a warped idea as to what adoption is all about.  

Peace and love.

Answer 6

Just be yourself.  Love and care for the child as you normally would. If you try too hard, children can sense it and may push you away.  So just be as natural as you can.  You may want to spend some extra time with them around meal times and bed time.  Those are the times that they really care about.

Answer 7

There are several things you can do to bond with your child.  

I brought my son home when he was 8 months old.  After his bath, I'd rub lotion on him and just look into his eyes and talk to him.  I made sure there was no other distractions.

Here is a website that may help you:

http://www.iparentingadoption.com/articl...

Best wishes

Answer 8

Contact is critical.  Hold him, look into his eyes, talk to him, sing to him, etc.  Children need attention and love to bond.  They need held and rocked.  They need to hear that you love them.  Just do what come natural..........enjoy those times when he wants rocked or when you are feeding him those are the times when a lot of bonding takes place.

Answer 9

Time--attention-time and patience....

when you think you have given enough time understand you still have not given 1/2 enough of the time needed.

Answer 10

You could give him back to his mother then no tricks would be needed.